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Spoilers: There most likely is.
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stories.
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Fade
to Black
Chapter
2
I know that something isn't right. I can't open my eyes
and my voice escapes me but everything in me tells me I'm in a hospital and not
sitting at the little café with Kevin anymore. I can recognize the familiar
beeping of machines that are monitoring me from having spent entirely too many
nights in hospital after some demon took a good piece of me before I sent it
screaming into hell, and there is a smell in the air, a smell that I have all
but gotten way to used to. It's the smell of death. It's one of the things I
have learned to recognize being the Slayer.
The Slayer. I used to be her, the Chosen One. The
concept of being the world's champion seems almost foreign to me now. These
days I'm not much of anything, least of all Buffy Summers. I'm just a shell. Oh
sure outwardly blonde hair, hazel eyes, petite, muscular yep I fit the physical
description but inside…inside I have been slowly losing myself. I've lost the
will to fight for myself or anyone else.
I tried for so long to believe that I would be
okay. I fought hard to keep my head above the murky waters of the depression I
was drowning in. Somewhere along the way though I just lost my spirit, that
little piece of me that thought I was worth it.
I think I stopped trying after my mother died. I
kept losing people starting with him but it seemed like everyone that
ever came into my life walked right back out of it. It didn't matter how long
they stuck around for because each one of them decided they'd had enough fun at
the carnival called Buffy and they wanted to go home.
Most of them left without my noticing much less
caring. How could I care what they did when I couldn't stop caring about what he
did to me long enough to let anyone else in?
I can hear voices in the room. Some aren't familiar
and I figure them to be doctors or nurses that now bear the burden of fixing
me. God if only that were possible. If only I could leave this place and be the
Buffy I was years ago. The Buffy who fought and loved and cared and laughed.
Laughter, I almost can't remember what that is. It's been so long since I've
had anything to laugh about. I want to though, I really do.
The other voices I hear are familiar to me so I try
to open my eyes to let them know I'm okay.
All right maybe I'm not as okay as I'd like them to
believe because it's taking every last ounce of strength I have, which isn't
much, just to open my eyes and focus in on the faces that crowd my small room.
It takes me a minute or two but now I look around and I see Kevin standing
against the wall at the foot of my bed.
Our eyes connect and I can't help but feel guilty
at the way I have treated him. He give me a small smile of understanding and
that only pushes the knife in a little further.
"She's awake." I hear him say and immediately three
other faces come into view.
The first face I focus in on is Giles. Giles my mentor,
my rock and the father I have been missing since my parents divorced. I can see
worry and concern etched into his features. He gives me a smile and places a
hand on my leg.
"How are you Buffy?"
"Okay I guess although I'm not quite sure what
happened."
"Well no matter. You're here with us still and the
doctors have found nothing seriously wrong so you just rest."
I can see that he has his glasses in his hands and
he is wiping them almost compulsively. Which tells me one thing…he's worried.
Next I see Xander. He tries to smile and be light
and Xander-y but I can see the unshed tears glistening in his eyes and when he
tries to speak his sense of humor fails him but the love comes shining through
like a beacon.
"Hey Buff, you need anything?"
"No Xander…I'm good."
"Are you? I mean good, really good because I gotta
say…"
"Xander!"
Now that's my Willow. She's always been so
protective of me, understanding me on a deeper level that Xander and Giles
didn't get. I look into her face and she makes no effort to hide the fear that
is written so clearly. She grabs my hand and squeezes tightly and I know that
it is her way of telling me she has her own theory about what happened and what
or rather who caused it. Willow turns to the guys and asks them to give her a
minute with me alone. To their questioning stares she simply replies…girl
stuff. Giles tells her that they will be in the cafeteria having something to
eat and for her to find them there when she is done. Willow nods and we both
watch as the men file solemnly out of my room.
The door has barely shut behind Kevin when she
asks.
"So you going to tell me how this has nothing to do
with Angel?"
I open my mouth to speak but I find I don't know
what I'm going to say to her because she's right. What happened today was
classic Angel. I also know that Willow is feeling guilty over not knowing how
bad it still was. I guess I had still done a pretty good job of convincing
every one else that I had moved on, that Angel was a part of my distant past.
Fresh waves of guilt surged through me as I saw the hurt in her eyes.
"Will I can't tell you that this wasn't about Angel
because it was. I know I have been acting like I had moved on and that I was
content without him but I haven't and I'm not."
"I don't understand Buffy. You have had a lot of
boyfriends since Angel; you got out all the time. You have been acting like
happy Buffy and I just don't understand."
"That's just it Will, I've been acting. I couldn't
let any of you know just how bad I was hurting. I didn't want to disappoint any
of you and …I hoped that one day it wouldn't be an act."
"So what happened today?"
"I felt him Will. I felt him and when I looked he
was there."
"You saw him?"
I looked into Willow's face trying to find a way to
describe what had happened when I saw something else besides her concern…I saw
guilt. Willow knew something she wasn't saying and I had a feeling that she
hadn't shared this knowledge with Xander, Giles and most especially Kevin.
"Will you know something don't you?"
I ignore the pain that rips through me as I try to
sit up.
"Willow?"
But before I can question her any further or she
can even answer me I am once again assaulted with the feeling. My body is
humming and it's suddenly hard to breathe. A cold sweat breaks out over my body
and I look up at Willow with something akin to fear in my eyes I'm sure. My
head is swimming, my blood is rushing, my eyes are beginning to blur as salty
tears well up in them. I grab a hold of the bedrail so hard my knuckles have
gone white and I try to steel myself against what seeing him will do to me. It
feels like an eternity that I'm left in this limbo, purgatory almost of
suffering until I close my eyes and lower my head.
"He's here," I say barely above a whisper and then
both Willow and I turn our eyes towards the doorway and I hear someone gasp
although I'm not sure if its Wills or me that has done it. He is standing in
the doorway to my room looking even more exquisite than I remembered from the
beach.
"Angel." I breathe his name out and he takes a
tentative step towards me.
"Buffy."
