Between Alpha and Omega
By, Esmee Concept by, Tenshi no Yuma
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Say what you want
Say what you will
'Cos I find you think what makes it easier
And lies spread on lies
We don't care
Belief is our relief
We don't care
'ideas as opiates'
~Tears For Fears
0.
In the begining I used to watch, sometimes, through windows the Digimon who's lives I was going to destroy. I am not sure why I did - perhaps at the begining I watched them hoping to retaining some small piece of humanity, or perhaps "regain" is a more appropriate wording - watching them before-hand only gave me pain, and destroying them brought me no pleasure.
No, that's not completely accurate.
At first when I watched them, it gave me the painful kind of happiness that comes from knowing that even if your life was upside-down, somewhere someone was living normally. Then later, when I watched, I felt envious and sad.
Envious that I could no longer participate in the simple acts that made up a family.
Sad that I had to destroy them.
And then I began to feel resentful.
Resentful of what I had been before.
Resentful of what I was now.
Resentful of what they made me become.
Resentful of simply being.
So then, when the time came for me to destroy everything they held dear, I did it gladly.
No, not even that is right.
It's not that simple.
I didn't do it gladly, but I didn't do it sadly either. Part of me wanted them to feel all the pain and rage that I had gone through, I wanted to yell at them at the top of my lungs, 'Look at what I went through! See the pain I went through, see the rage and humiliation that I went through! How dare you claim to understand pain, humiliation! You can't possible understand what I went through!' While another part of me wanted to spare them from all I had gone through.
So I made a compromise with myself.
Kill all of them, quickly or slowly it doesn't matter, but leave none alive, so as to prevent any the pain of knowing only they had survived.
Sick reasoning, I know, but now I've stopped feeling anything really, so it's the best I can do. But even the resentment, the sadness, the rage, I felt was nothing more than the pale shadow of the remembrance of emotion.
I am not asking for anyone to judge me, or validate what I have done.
I am not asking for anyone's sympathy, pity, or forgiveness.
I am not asking for empathy.
Only comprehension.
That's all.
((CHAPTER II: THE REMEMBERED))
1.
"Why aren't we going after them?!" Palmon screamed at them. "We have to save her!"
"We can't save her Palmon, she's dead." Sora said softly tears dribling down her face as she tried, and failed, to block out the image of a slender form coursing with red pain as it flew through the air.
"NO! She's NOT dead!" Palmon yelled through intakes of ragged breath.
They had all stood numbly watching Myotismon take Mimi's burnt and bloody body, none of them willing to belive what had just happened.
Then Palmon had started to scream at them, alternatly begging them to go after Mimi and berating them for not going immeaditly. Finally shaken from her stupor by the inborn need to comfort and be comforted, Sora tried to calm the hysterical Palmon. Now, as if her words were some sort of magic trigger, they all started to cry.
Taichi, Jyou and, Yamato were all trying valantly not to cry, to be strong, adults. They were failing miserably of course.
Koushiro didn't even seem aware that he was crying, and Takeru was sobbing quietly to himself next to his older brother.
The Digimon themselves were still in shock. These people were the Chosen; Alphamon First Created of the Digiworld protected them. They weren't supposed to lose.
They weren't supposed to die.
"We have to find her! We can't just leave her!" Palmon screamed at them again, unwilling to belive that someone so apart of her life was gone even though she had seen it with her own eyes.
"Palmon," Yamato started, still feeling the warm living solidity of her body connecting with his. Still seeing her body hitting the ground, skin so very pale under the blood and black. Still feeling a helpless rage flooding through him, coloring the shock and horror with a reddish hue. Still hearing the muffled thud of her body as it hit the ground. "I saw her when she fell." He paused trying to keep the bile down. Still remembering, looking into Mimi's sightless amber eyes, seeing no rise and fall of her chest. "She's dead, Palmon." He paused again, trying to steady himself. He would never see her laugh again, or watch her sleep or hear her singing. "You have-" Yamato tried to say, but Palmon interrupted him.
"She's dead because she pushed you out of the way!" She flung at him, her voice harsh with tears and pain. "If it weren't for you she'd still here! You should have died instead of her!" A shocked silence followed as Palmon realized what she had just said, what she had just admitted. Then she started to cry in earnest. "She's dead . . . Mimi's-"
Yamato stood there looking like he had just been struck. "Palmon, I-"
"Don't speak to me! Don't even come near me! This is all your fault!" She sobbed as she ran off into the woods, which were still painted in the garish circus clown make-up colors that were so hatefully at odds with the horror and pain of the moment.
It enough to make one want to laugh hysterically. Or weep, whichever took hold first. Whichever gave relief first.
Yamato looked after Palmon helplessly, a sick feeling in his gut. She was right; it was all his fault.
"I'm sorry." Yamato whispered to everyone, and no one. "I'm sorry."
2.
Palmon didn't come back that night.
"I hope Palmon's okay." Sora said worried. She had already lost one of her friends; she didn't want to lose another.
"I'm sure she's fine Sora." Biyomon tried to comfort her, seeing that no one else was going to. "I bet she's on her way back right now."
At that moment Gennai decided to reappear in their lives.
"Hello, Chosen. I have some good news and some bad news for you, but you look like you have some news of your own for me."
The children just stared at the wavering hologram of the old man.
Surprised by the silence, the old man looked around. "What's with all the long faces around here? You would think someone had died!" He joked.
For one very intense moment Yamato hated Gennai with every fiber in his young being. How can he be so callous as not to notice anything?!
"What's got you all so disgruntled? Is the girl who wears all that pink – Mimi isn't it? – over-sleeping again?"
A stony silence answered him again, and this time he looked more closely at the children.
Taichi and Sora both looked stunned, sad, and more than a little angry; Sora had tears in her eyes, while guilt – and perhaps, failure? – were etched deeply in Tai's face.
Jyou had a certain familiar grimness in his face that Gennai had seen on so many young soldiers after their first real battle, while his eyes had a vague, far away look. Like he was trying to distance himself from something painful for as long as he could.
The blonde boy, Yamato he remembered, was looking at him with undisguised hostility. Rage, grief, and guilt warred in his face. He looked like he had just lost something precious, and he knew it, but wasn't precisely sure what he'd lost.
Koushiro had a terrible, haunted look in his eyes, like he'd seen something he wished he could forget, but he couldn't - wouldn't - allow himself to forget it.
Takeru looked like he was on the verge of tears, and there was an impression of age around him. Like he had seen something no one should see, especially a child. The Digimon all looked devastated.
He could not see Mimi or her Digimon.
Knowledge struck with the terrible uncanny accurate it is apt to have in times of fear and pain.
He looked at them sadly, his own memories of death crowding him. "I am sorry. I know you are all in pain right now, and I know no words will help with this pain, so I won't give you any. I will leave you to grieve for your loss."
"Gennai, wait!" Koushiro yelled as the hologram started out flicker.
"What is it child?" He asked kindly.
Yamato hated the pity that was evident in both Gennai's voice and manner.
"As much as I'm grateful to you for allowing us a reprieve to grieve for Mimi," Koushiro's voice cracked as he said her name. "You said you had news."
"Yes." Gennai sighed. He had news all right, but now was not the right time and there was a new problem to consider now as well. He would need to consult Alopexusmon as well. "Yes, I have news. Both good and bad, but I will not trouble you with it now. It can wait."
And with that, he left.
3.
Yamato sighed.
Ten days.
It was ten days ago Mimi had died. No, more accurately, he had let her die. Palmon had returned about four days ago. Her skin was grayer now than green, her petals were limp and faded, and her once bright beryl-green eyes were now dull. The first thing she had done when she returned, was to creep over to Yamato and say softly, more a whisper than anything else, in a voice rusty from tears, "I'm sorry I said those things Yamato." and then she crept over to the far side of the fire and curled into a fetal position.
Yamato glanced over at her now, and smiled slightly at what he saw. Gomamon was doing tricks and telling jokes to Palmon, while Gabumon sat protectively next to her with a small pile of fruit, almost, but not quite, hand-feeding her. An amused smile graced his face as he thought. I bet if Mimi were here she would say that Gabumon had a crush on Palmon.
The smile faded.
But Mimi wasn't here, would never be here again, and it was all his fault.
Gennai hadn't contacted them yet, and Yamato was eternally grateful of that. He still felt angry with Gennai. Angry that he hadn't tried to warn them, angry that he hadn't tried to help them, angry that he was here and Mimi wasn't. Yamato sighed again. It was useless to be angry with Gennai; after all he hadn't brought them here.
It was strange, the guilt he was feeling. The others were sad, that was very obvious, sad, and afraid. After all, if it could happen to Mimi, it could happen to anyone. After everything, they weren't immortal. But he felt more than simply sad, or afraid. He missed her so much that it physically hurt, it felt like there was a band around his chest whenever he thought about her, and that was often. She had pushed him out of the way at the cost of her life and he hadn't done anything to deserve it. He felt guilty, not just about her death, but about all the times he could have been nice to her, and wasn't. He was confused by his feelings and didn't want to think about them.
Trying to get his mind off this painful and confusing subject, he looked around to see what the others were doing.
Jyou was getting some more firewood. That seemed to be how he coped with the pain; by doing all the extra work he could.
Takeru was talking to Patamon softly. Yamato worried about him; he was much to young to have something like this happen to him. They were all to young for this.
Sora was simply staring into the fire. Biyomon was curled up next to her, she was doing her best to cheer Sora up, but it's hard to cheer someone up when you yourself are unhappy.
Taichi was looking up at the stars with Agumon. Taichi had been quiet and subdued of late, almost thoughtful and perhaps a little guilty. Yamato hoped he felt guilty, remembering all the time that Taichi had been cruel to her for no reason.
Koushiro was typing away on his laptop with Tentomon hanging over his shoulder. Yamato almost laughed. Come hell or high water, Koushiro would still be typing away on his computer. He could have almost laughed, if he hadn't known what Koushiro was trying to look up.
He was looking for a long and painful way to destroy Myotismon.
Yamato sighed. Even when they killed Myotismon it wouldn't bring Mimi back, it might make him feel much better, but it wouldn't bring her back.
She'll never try to weasel out of work again, or insist on those pointless little things anymore, never beg to stop and rest anymore or complain about the food or want to take a bath every time we stop by a stream or lake, or make us laugh, or sing to Takeru . . . Things that he had found irritating or silly before made tears come perilously close to the surface now. It was true; you never did realize the value of a person until they were gone.
Even though ten days had passed, it still felt like yesterday.
It hurt so much.
Jyou put more wood on the fire and then came over and sat next to him. Surprisingly Jyou seemed stronger because of her death, more mature. Yamato supposed they all were more mature, but he just felt so horribly young and powerless.
Silence fell over them, wrapping them in a cloak of contemplative silence. The fire cast ghoulish masks on their faces, while sparks shot upward, miniature stars trying to return to the darkly lit dome above them. For a moment peace caught them, woven from a net of fire and starlight around them.
"It still feels so strange with Mimi gone." Sora said softly, shattering the silence like glass.
"Yeah," Taichi said, Yamato could see that he was trying to lighten the mood. "It's so peaceful now that we don't have to listen to her whining all the time." He failed miserably, but the others picked up the thought and tried to add on to it.
"We've encountered half as much trouble, than when she was with us." Palmon said, surprising them with a weak smile.
"We don't have to stop every ten minutes, when we're walking any more." Yamato joked. Bad joke, very bad joke.
Koushiro and Jyou nodded, though tears gleamed in Koushiro's eyes.
"I'm almost glad she's gone." Jyou said.
Yamato stared at him, what did he mean 'almost glad'?
"Almost...?" Koushiro asked, a glint of anger in his eyes.
"Now I have to carry the food bag all the time." Jyou elaborated with a sickly grin.
They all fell silent again.
Then Takeru spoke, his voice sounding so small and lost in the silence. "But I still want her to come back."
Everyone else nodded in agreement, not trusting his or her voices. Silence reigned again, punctuated every once and again by the faint hiss of the fire.
After what seemed an eternity later, Jyou asked who would be taking Mimi's watch for the night.
"I will." Yamato volunteered quickly.
The others all looked at each other. "Yamato," Sora said gently. "You've been taking her watch for the past ten days. You should let someone else take it. You need to rest."
"No, Sora. I'm fine. Really." Yamato tried to smile, but the muscles around his mouth felt stiff, the smile false. "I'm going to take over Mimi's watch from now on."
"But-" What ever protests the others were about to use, were cut off by an explosion of greenish-white light from Palmon.
The explosion made no sound and didn't damage anyone, but they were all rubbing their eyes for several minutes before they could see again.
"Just what was that?" Koushiro asked, still rubbing his eyes.
"I don't know." Palmon answer, sobbing. Now that they could see again, they could all see that she was weeping as if her heart was broken. Gomamon tried to reach out to her, but she shied away, cowering into herself. She continued to weep. "I just don't know."
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