A/N: Okay, I have a little warning for all those that have or haven't seen the movie What Women Want, which this fic is based on, I intend to stay as true to the movie's plot as I can, ( I will cut a few things out, though) during this whole story, yes, there is swearing, so you have been warned.
What if our favorite Azkaban escapee had trouble getting back in the dating circle after obtaining freedom? People aren't exactly lining up to date him, his old reputation as a man's man is coming back to haunt him, his boss is driving him crazy, and to top it all off he has a fifteen-year-old godson who's dating an eighteen-year-old girl. And like all men, he is asking himself, "What do women want?" He is about to find out.
Sirius opened his eyes to see a pair of green eyes staring at him, "Ahh! Harry, don't do that, you almost gave me a heart attack!"
"You're not dead!" Harry breathed a sigh of relief.
"What are you talking about?" Sirius sat up, he was totally lost.
"The hair dyer was in the water, and you were on the floor, I thought . . ."
"Oh, I'm okay, Harry, sorry I scared you," Sirius put a comforting hand on Harry's shoulder, the boy still looked shook up. "I'm fine, really, are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good, nice hair by the way," Harry gestured at his godfather's hair.
Sirius looked at his reflection in the mirror, his hair was sticking straight up, "Might be the new style, but I wouldn't be talking if I were you."
"Don't you have some work to get to?" Harry asked meaningfully, trying to flatten his hair.
"Yeah, um . . . listen if you're not totally okay, I can stay home if you like, or maybe . . ."
"I'm fine, really," Harry stood up, and left the room.
"Teenagers," Sirius muttered trying to fix his hair so it would look wind swept, not as though it had been caught in a weed whacker. Maybe Dinwiddle was right, Harry was really shook up, well I admit one thing I won't be electrocuting myself again anytime soon, one, I'd probably give Harry a heart attack, and two, it completely messes up my hair.
*********
Just for a change of pace Sirius decided to apparate a few blocks away from work, (hoping his hair might flatten a bit more.) A woman jogging, raced past, if I lose one pound every ten blocks, then if I ran twenty blocks every other day . . .
Sirius doubled back, "Did she just say something?" He shook his head, and kept walking.
A teenage girl passed him thinking, one kiss doesn't make a lesbian, does it?
Sirius gave her a funny look, then an older man walking his French poodle went by.
Master. I need to poop!
"Ahh!" Sirius edged away from the poodle, then he jerked his head up to see at least 50 women running in a marathon came running toward him. "NO!"
My husband is cheating on me . . .
I wish my boyfriend would take it to the next level . . .
I haven't had sex in three months . . .
"AHH!" Sirius sprinted through the crowd, covering his ears. He didn't stop running until he reached the wall that hid Auror headquarters from the rest of the Muggle world.
"State your name, team, and rank!" a brick within the wall whispered.
"Sirius Black, Ravens, and dueling expert!" Sirius whispered back.
"Thumb, and wand print!" the wall demanded. Sirius placed his thumb on a spot on the brick, and tapped it with his wand. "Access allowed." Sirius stepped through the wall.
"Morning Floo," Sirius said to the receptionist.
"Morning Mr. Black," Floo smiled. Good morning my little sweet a**!
Sirius hit himself in the forehead.
Amy walked toward him, don't look up, don't look up, he'll just tell me another dumb joke. She smiled, and walked passed.
He scowled, and passed the plump secretary, oh, like you have the perfect body?
"This is getting bad," Sirius groaned.
Sheesh! Lighten up on the after shave, buddy, an attorney walked in front of him.
"Good morning Mr. Black!" Danielle said in her cheerful voice. Sirius jumped back, but then shrugged. "You have a meeting a 10:30, training at 3:00, Mr. Lupin is waiting for you in your office, and here are those files you wanted."
"That's it? No other thoughts?" Sirius scowled again.
"No," Danielle frowned. Do you realize I have an Ivy league education, and running your stupid errands has put me into therapy? Sirius's jaw dropped. Why don't you forget this trivial stuff, and give me some real work to do? She smiled pleasantly. Oh! I remember why, because I have a vagina! "Is there anything else I can get you?"
"No . . . thank you," Sirius shuddered, Where's Moony?
*********
"Moony! I need your help because I think I might kill myself," Sirius stamped into his office. Remus was sitting in one of the chairs, looking very bewildered.
"Oh, Mr. Black, before I forget here are those numbers," Danielle handed Sirius three sheets of paper. "And by the way your hair looks really good today, sir." And it's okay that I only get payed minium wage because I just used the company phone to call my boyfriend in Israel, she smiled. For an hour. Then left.
"Did you just hear that?" Sirius asked, faintly.
"'Your hair looks really good today' so what? I know you're a little obsessed with your hair, but . . ."
"No! Not that, the thing she was thinking thing, you know, about the boyfriend in Israel?"
"What's the matter, Sirius? Is Harry okay?" Remus was now thoroughly concerned.
"Harry's fine, but I think I'm not, I better explain just incase the coroner asks, I was really tired last night, the alarm clock was bugging me about taking a shower first, I was drying my hair when I slipped, and fell in the tub, electrocuted myself, totally blacked out. And when I woke up this morning I could hear what every woman around me was thinking, even French poodles!" Sirius threw his hands skyward. "French poodles, Moony!"
"Are you telling me you know the inner most thoughts of a French poodle?" Remus raised an eyebrow, had Sirius lost whatever sanity he had left?
"If it's female!" he flopped into his chair. "Don't give me that look. I'm not crazy."
"I don't think you're crazy, I think you're insane," Remus said seriously.
"Oh, yeah, come with me," before Remus could utter another word, he found himself being dragged out of the office. "Okay, see this Healer coming toward us?" The Healer passed them. "Grr . . . she thinks we're overpaid, and Dinwiddle's gay." Remus laughed.
"Good one, Padfoot."
"Shut up! I'm serious!"
"Of course, you're Sirius," Remus joked, but seeing the look on Padfoot's face he stopped. "We better get going, or we'll be late."
"Late for what?"
"Early morning meeting back on, by the orders of Rave Dixon," Remus did an impression of Rave's voice.
"Damn that women!"
********
Last ones to arrive, want me to know I'm not their boss, Rave thought as Black, and Lupin walked in. Okay, you're stars, now sit down.
"She thinks we're late because we want her to know she's not our boss," Sirius whispered.
"I'm begging you, please, buddy, give it a rest."
"Now, that the peanut gallery has arrived, Mr. Black would you like to give us your presentation?" Dixon tapped her foot on the tiled floor, as she watched Sirius's face go from complete confusion to horrified realization. "Mr. Black, if you please."
Sirius got to his feet, contemplating the idea of running out of the room, or jumping out of the window. "Well, I thought mostly about how a woman would block the er . . . Cavitious Curse! And the first thing I thought was that maybe she could conjure a good dentist!" He grinned sheepishly, everyone laughed, but Rave. There were five other women in the room besides Rave, and everyone of them thought the same exact thing while laughing: What an ass hole!
And as for Rave, I should have asked for more money!
Sirius buried his face in his hands.
*******************************
Sirius dragged himself into the house, the day didn't get any better later on, and all he wanted to do was sleep, but all the lights were out, and music was blasting from the living room. Curiously, he flicked the lights on to see some blonde girl making out with Harry on the floor.
"Ahh!"
Harry, and the blonde girl stopped making out, to see a very shocked Sirius Black. "Sirius, I can explain!" Harry said jumping to his feet.
"Harry, I don't want explanations! What do you think you're doing? Who's she?" Sirius had went from shocked to furious in a matter of moments.
"Er. . . she's my girlfriend, Carmen."
"Harry, who is he?" the blonde girl, Carmen, said. How hideous my boyfriend feeling me up in front of his godfather.
"He's my godfather," Harry explained.
"Hey! I'll ask the question here, babe," Sirius snapped.
What an ass hole!
" Another one! How old are you?" Sirius growled, barely keeping his temper.
"I just turned eighteen," Carmen said, twisting her hair. Where's my bra? Sirius kicked the lacy black bra over to the girl.
"Well, he's fifteen, he was ten, five years ago, do you get me, babe? Yeah? Good, now just get your stuff, and move on." He threw a black book bag at her, and pointed her out the door. She huffed, and left, saying good bye to Harry.
"What is your problem?" Harry shouted.
"You! What do you think you were doing?" Sirius yelled. Harry was making out, in front of him. He had always heard of this stuff on T. V., but he'd never thought Harry would do something like that. His Harry, James's son, the Harry that had saved him from the Dementors's Kiss, the Harry that looked so worried this morning that he had really hurt himself. Had just done something like that! This couldn't be happening!
"I was doing the same thing you did when you were my age!" Harry exploded, before turning on a heel, and the slamming door a few seconds later told Sirius, he was in his room.
Sirius was stunned, Harry was right, that was the bad thing, but it was the way Harry had said it that hurt him the most. A few minutes later, he realized something, "I need serious help, I need a shrink, or maybe an exorcist. Yeah, I'll go see a shrink! Harry, I'll be right back!" He grabbed his cloak, blocked the fireplace, locked the door, and left.
*************
Dr. Janice Sigmund was sitting at her Muggle computer, surfing on Ebay, and was just about to submit a bid for the most amazing looking lamp she had ever seen, when someone fell through her roof. Not just any someone, but the Sirius Black. What is he doing here? Didn't I treat him in Azkaban once?
"Hello, Dr. Sigmund, I'm sure you don't remember me, but I'm Sirius Black, and I meet you once before while I was at Azkaban, and . . ."
"I know who you are Mr. Black," Sigmund said. Why'd I leave the apparation wards down? "What do you need help with?"
"I think I'm going crazy!"Sirius layed down on the couch.
"Well, why don't you tell me why?"
"I can hear what women think," Sirius said.
"Really? Well, that isn't so unusual . . ."
"It isn't?" Sirius was now astonished.
"Plenty of men suffer from male menopause, and . . ."
"No!" Sirius interrupted her before she got any more weird ideas. "I can really hear what women think!"
Why didn't I put up those apparation wards? And I was so into buying that lamp on Ebay.
"How much was it going for?"Sirius asked.
"How much was what going for?" Sigmund twisted her hair.
"The lamp, on Ebay."
Sigmund swivelled around in her seat to see the Ebay website's "Submit Bid for Beautiful Lamp" up on her screen. "Oh, that's clever, very clever."
"How about you try picking a number?" Sirius suggested.
"Okay," Sigmund bit her lip. "I'll pick a number between one, and . . ."
"One million for all I care," Sirius was getting very impatient.
"Okay . . ."
"999, 996, 97, 98," Sirius ticked the numbers off, Sigmund's jaw dropped. He turned to face her, "I think you should get your little pen, and pad."
"Okay," Sigmund said shakily. I don't believe this! I'm a grown woman of 51 for heaven's sake!
"Oh, I won't tell a soul," Sirius put his hand over his heart.
Holy crap! "Oh, excuse me, but would you find it totally unorthodox if I smoked?"
"I understand."
"Mr. Black," Sigmund said with a cigarette in her mouth. "Why would you want to get rid of such of a wonderful gift?"
"Well, for starters, every woman I know thinks I'm an ass hole."
That's what I thought when I first met you too.
"Hey, Doc, give me break, please," Sirius pleaded.
"Oh, I'm sorry, but did you know that Fraud died asking himself one question, 'what do women want?' wouldn't it be strange, and wonderful if you were the first man to answer that question?" Sigmund said, but Sirius was still unconvinced. "Think of it this way, if men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, and you spoke Venusian, you'd have power." Sirius relaxed on the couch, and smiled, contemplating this idea. "If you know what women want, you could rule!"
A smug smile appeared on Sirius's face, "I could rule!"
************
Major thank yous to all my wonderful reviewers!
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Ebay, or What Women Want which this fic is
based on, but I do own everything else!