Part 5
New York, Thursday 2 a.m.
"Jake, just calm down. Sit for a minute, please?" Scout pleaded. Jake was frantic, pacing the room, eyes downward, hands clasped behind her back.
"I can't…I need to keep moving…I can't stop and think about it."
"It's okay you know? To think about it. To think about him. You have the right. He's coming back, that's a lot to think about."
"Okay," halfheartedly she answered him, not really wanting to think about Hamilton's return. In less than twenty- four hours, he'd be in New York and she had no idea why. The message he left two days before was obscure and cryptic, leaving only a blurb of information. Since receiving the message, she'd been in tumult. She worked so hard to forget him, to move on with her life, and just when she thought she'd finally done that, Hamilton decided to change that. He was coming back.
Taking the place next to Scout on the couch, Jake sighed and tilted her head back.
"I know I'm not Will, but if you want to talk about this then…well you can talk to me about it."
It was the first time Scout had ever said anything like that to Jake. Sure, they were friends and they talked about things, but their relationship was always more like good buddies who joked around and had fun together, rather than people who confided in each other every thought or feeling they experienced. He was right. He wasn't Will. "Where is he anyway?" she thought to herself. He left the house that evening and never returned. She was worried, but he made a call to Scout letting him know that he would not be home until later that morning.
After an awkward silence, Jake said, "I wish that this wasn't happening. I wish that Hamilton had never called. I wish that he wasn't coming back. I wish that he wasn't doing this to me. I wish…"
Scout finished for her, "…that he had stayed. You wish that you could go and turn back time and fix this all. That way none of this would be happening right now."
"Yeah. I can wish all I want. But that won't make any of this go away. "
"You can't beat yourself up over this. You shouldn't. There's no reason to."
"Scout, I let him go. I let him walk away from me. I called off the wedding, not Hamilton. I did this. All of this…is my doing. I loved him so much. I just wanted him to be happy…even if it meant that I wasn't going to be part of his happiness. That's what love is, isn't it? Thinking nothing of yourself, making sacrifices, acting in a way that only makes them a better person. So that's what I did. I let him go, so that he could find his happiness."
A hurt expression spread across her face. She looked away uncomfortably, pursing her lips together, eyes glossed, yet no tears to be found. It took every fiber of her body not to break down right then and there. She couldn't. Not now. She had done far too much crying the past couple of days that she didn't want to start again. Because if she did, she might not ever stop.
Scout took her hand. Jake still had her stare focused elsewhere, but responded by holding it firmly.
"I don't know if I ever told you this, but you're the bravest person I know. I could have never done that. I would've been selfish and done anything, anything to make him stay. I hope that one day, I'll find someone that I love that much…as much as you loved Hamilton. I admire you Jake. You're kind, strong, and selfless. That's why you did what you did, because you always think of everyone else first."
Now she looked at him and beamed. Those words were probably the kindest that he had ever said to her.
"Thank you. It's just…it's the hardest thing…letting go of what you thought was real, you know? I thought…he and I…I thought what we had was real. I guess I was wrong."
"I'm sorry." They hugged but were interrupted by the noise of the front door swinging open and banging against the wall. Startled, they watched as an obviously intoxicated Will entered the apartment.
His gait was unbalanced and awkward, his demeanor quiet and somber. It wasn't like Will to get so drunk. Jake could not comprehend what made him do this, but Scout understood exactly. Just as Jake was nervous about Hamilton coming home, so was Will—that and his decision to tell Jake how he felt about her.
"Will? What happened?" Jake asked impatiently.
"I…was…drowning…my sorrows…in…some…booze," he talked very slowly, however not slurred.
"Yeah! I can see that!" Jake was fuming. He was totally smashed. The last time he came home like this was the night Jake and Hamilton got engaged. She remembered it perfectly for when they got home that night, she ran to tell Will's room to share the good news. He wasn't there. An hour and a half later, he came home, accompanied by Scout, just sloshed.
Scout could see the tension building. Putting one of Will's arms around his shoulder, he announced, "Come on, let's get you upstairs buddy."
The three of them made it to his room and put him down on the bed. "I'll get some aspirin," said Scout on his way out the door.
Jake sat next to Will on the bed. She sprawled a blanket over him. His eyes were half opened, but looking straight at her.
"Dammit Will. You are really stupid."
"No!" his voice sort of squeaked. "I just drunk!"
"You've made that crystal clear," she got out, half laughing. "All right Krudski. Time to go Nighty-night."
As she started to get up, Will grabbed her hand. "Stay here Jake. Stay with me."
Turning towards him, she said, "You are such a baby! See what happens when you go out and get plastered. All right, I'll stay 'til Scout gets back. You know you're lucky to have a gal like me in your life—to sit here with you while you're in retardo mode."
"I'm not lucky. I don't have you."
She was bewildered. "What do you mean? I'm right here. I've always been here. Always will be."
"But not the way…" he stopped himself. He was drunk, however, he still knew that he had said too much.
"Not the way what? Jake confused."
At that moment, Scout came back. "Hey…here's something for that headache you're going to have."
"Thank you Scout," Will thought, "That could've been a real disaster."
"Well I kept my end of the bargain Will. I'm gonna go to bed. Night hangover boy." In one quick movement, she was off the bed and out the door. Not long after, the sound of the door shutting echoed in the hall.
"Good job Will. Nice way to cope."
"Shut up. I just needed to be alone. And plus, the alcohol placates your pain…well for a while at least."
Scout shook his head in disagreement. "It's not going to help anything. Hamilton is still coming back and you still have to tell Jake how you feel."
Will put his hand to his forehead and groaned. "Oh shit!"
"Uh huh. All right, I should get going. See you tomorrow…well if you're not too…"
"I get it."
"Bye," he laughed, shutting to door behind him.
"What am I doing?" Will asked out loud. "What am I doing?" He blinked a few times and passed out.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
In her room, Jake lay awake, thinking about what Will had said. "What did he mean 'I don't have you?' What the hell was he saying? We've always been there for each other. How could he say that?" She didn't know what to make of it. None of it made any sense—Will coming home in the state he did, him saying what he said—it just didn't register. And then…it hit her. Will was inebriated, but his words were clear—"I don't have you." He'd been her roommate and closest friend for so many years… "Could he be in…? No…no there's no way that is what he meant!" Jake's thoughts screamed at her. "That can't be it. Riiiggght Jacqueline! Yeah right! You're just delirious now…you need to sleep!"
All of these thoughts kept Jake's eyes wide open. She turned to her side and reached over to her night stand, picking up a portable CD player and headphones. "Maybe this will get me to sleep," she noted, placing the headphones on her ears. She pressed play and closed her eyes, lying back in her bed.
Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows?
Only time...
And who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose?
Only time...
Who can say why your heart sighs,
As your love flies?
Only time...
And who can say why your heart cries,
When your love lies?
Only time...
Who can say when the roads meet?
That they might be -
In your heart...
And who can say when the day sleeps,
If the night keeps all your heart?
...night keeps all your heart...
Who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose?
Only time...
And who can say where the road goes?
Where the day flows?
Only time...
Who knows?
Only time...
Who knows?
Only time...
By the time the song was over, Jake was sound asleep.