CHAPTER 10
Hilda and Aphrodite continued their struggle, but both were too engrossed in their fight to notice that the number of spectators watching were rapidly dwindling. That's because there was a commotion emanating from the other end of town.
"He's here!" someone shouted as he zipped past Xelda and Salem.
"Who?" the witch warrior asked.
"Hercules!" he hurriedly replied.
"That's nice," Xelda said.
"It's great!" Salem told her. "We're in a crossover episode. Must be sweeps."
The commotion came closer to Xelda and Salem. "I want to see Hercules, but I can't from this angle, Xelly," the cat said, staring up.
"And risk you saying something out loud?"
"When I see Hercules, I'll mew. Loudly."
"Promise that will be it?"
Salem nodded.
"Okay." Xelda picked him up.
The cat looked into the crowd and saw a tall, brawny, leather-clad man with long blond hair and began to mew.
He had caught Xelda's eye, too. "So I see," she said with a smile that revealed a touch of, for lack of a better word, hubba-hubba.
"I think you're falling for Herc, Xeldy," Salem whispered to her.
"Nonsense! What could I possibly have in common with that muscleman?" she protested.
"Your old scientific self hasn't disappeared, I see," the cat replied softly. "But in this world, you're an action heroine. If you want science, go to Athens and look up Archimedes--just don't bathe with him."
"Shhh! He's heading our way with a shorter blond." Salem recognized him as Herc's sidekick, Iolaus.
* * *
The hurdles and other track equipment put back in storage, Willard Kraft sat in the coaches' office after showering and changing into civilian clothes and regained his breath. He had called all the area dailies with the results, emphasizing the incredible debut of this tall girl from Greece. She'll be all-state without a sweat, he thought.
He understood Zee was an exchange student staying at Sabrina's house and consequently planned to take it easy on that irritating blonde. Can't run the risk of letting her transfer, he thought of his track star.
There was also the lovely Zelda to consider. He closed his eyes and imagined inhaling the aroma of her exquisite perfume. Willard hadn't talked with her since a phone call yesterday afternoon. "That's been too long without my Zuzu," he said to himself. "I'll drop by after dinner to say hello, and hope Hilda is out shopping. Please."
* * *
"What's going on here?" Hercules asked Xelda in a midwestern U.S. accent. Salem thought her heart was going to leap out of her chest, as in a Tex Avery cartoon. "Oh, by the way, my name is Hercules and this," he said pointing to his shorter companion, "is Iolaus."
"I'm Xelda, uh, sort of a warrior. For good things of course, like you." Salem nodded his approval.
"Cute cat," Iolaus said.
"Here, you take him," Xelda said, taking Salem from her shoulder and placing him in Iolaus' arms. "If you scratch him, kitty, forget about dinner." Surprised by her move, the feline stayed on good behavior.
"That's my sister Hilda fighting over there," Xelda pointed and said to Hercules.
"That's a strange glow she casts--" he answered as the fighters whirled around, "--and she's fighting my half-sister."
"Had forgotten you were related to Aphrodite. Sorry." She had taken at most one mythology course at Other Realm University hundreds of years ago. "As for my sister, well, she's always been the kind whose personality lights up a room."
"And look at Joxer, suspended in mid-air," Iolaus commented.
Xelda, Hercules and Iolaus all slowly approached the fight scene.
* * *
"That was delicious," Gabrielle said to Sabrina once dinner was finished.
"I agree," Xena said. "Fish is great anytime, especially with that broccoli."
"Thanks," Sabrina answered, but she was too engrossed in glancing at her watch. It was 6:40 p.m., just 20 minutes to go before the "Xena" rerun was to air and everything could be rectified at last. But rather than remind Xena and Gabrielle about it, she thought it best to tell them at the last minute.
"Just sit tight and relax," the young witch said. "You both have had a long and frantic day."
"You did feed Argo?" Xena asked.
"Of course," Sabrina replied. That was another thing that had to be done -- restore the horse to full size.
* * *
"Let me rescue Joxer," Xelda said to her new companions. Now what's holding him up there?, she thought to herself as she gazed at the suspended warrior. Let's approach this rationally...if rationality still has any place left in this world.
She licked a finger and held it aloft, feeling the wind currents. "Hmm," she said to herself, "the wind seems to be flowing around some kind of sphere surrounding him." She concentrated harder on the sensation of the air flow. "And from the fluctuations, it must be a very wobbly sphere...like a soap bubble or that thing from 'The Prisoner.'"
"Let's just hope it's as fragile as a soap bubble," Xelda muttered as she drew a magically-conjured dart from her armor. Aiming to miss Joxer by the narrowest of margins, she let the dart fly. With a resounding "pop," the force bubble burst and Joxer tumbled safely, if ungracefully, to the ground.
"Let's hear it for scientific method!" Xelda chuckled, then yelled, "Now run, Joxer, run!"
The clumsy warrior picked himself up and ran to the side of Xelda, Hercules and Iolaus.
"Not bad work," Hercules said to Xelda. "I am impressed."
"You should see me with a chakram," she replied with a coy smile.
"Hello, bro," Aphrodite said to Hercules in the midst of her tussle. "See? I'm a lover and a fighter!"
Hilda saw the action and became desperate. She's called in the cavalry, and who do I have for support? Xelly, she thought, who even with witch powers was out of her league against Herc. I need assistance, and fast. Then she caught Salem from the corner of her eye. I still have ambrosia, she thought. If I toss him a piece, he can eat it and gain godlike powers. The world may not survive him, but right now, who cares?
So a few seconds later, when she was only a few feet from Salem being held by Iolaus, she discreetly pulled out a small piece of the substance and made a shovel pass his way. But it never reached Salem.
Halfway through the toss, the ambrosia nugget landed on a flying chakram, where it mysteriously remained despite the high speed and was caught some distance away by an armored woman on horseback.
"And what have we here on my way to the general?" Callisto said with an evil grin. "A special bonus dessert. How ingenious of me to take this route." And with that, she eagerly placed the ambrosia in her mouth and let it roll around before swallowing the substance.
Seeing what was happening, Hercules rushed into the Hilda-Aphrodite battle. "After what has just happened, you two had better end your fighting," he said sternly. "We have bigger problems now. Callisto has just consumed ambrosia and will soon have godlike powers."
Callisto with powers. How many episodes is this ahead of schedule?, Salem wondered. Gee, the show has really been thrown off kilter, like a director's cut.
* * *
"I'm going to go see Sabrina," Harvey said to his perpetually pregnant mother as he rushed in and out of the kitchen and pulled out a sandwich from the refrigerator. "Gotta do some studying."
"Okay, sweetie," she replied, patting her stomach. "Oh, by the way, can you get me some ice cream on the way home?"
Cravings again, Harvey thought.
* * *
Xelda, Hilda, Salem, Joxer, Aphrodite, Hercules, Iolaus and the village residents eyed Callisto warily as she drew her horse closer to them.
"There's no telling what she could do now that she's becoming a god," Hercules said. "Look at her eyes -- see how she's changing." They were beginning to take on an eerie greenish glow.
Just like on the TV show, Salem thought. Then again, we are on the TV show.
"You all no doubt are wondering what it's like to turn into a goddess," Callisto said, snickering. "It's, well, a blast." With that, a fireball materialized in her right palm as the crowd gasped. "Here's the pitch!", she exclaimed, tossing it at the throng.
"Anachronism alert!" Hilda immediately responded, instantaneously creating an aluminum bat and giving it a mighty swing. She connected with the fireball and it went at least a thousand feet, fortunately landing in a lake.
"Metal bats really do make them go farther," Salem said to himself.
"Listen, amber girl, I don't know how you gained your powers, but you aren't going to outdo me," Callisto seethed. "I've only just begun to fight."
"Oh yeah?" Hilda retorted. "And by the way, my name is Hilda."
"So what."
Joxer ran over to Hilda's side. "Are you nuts, sweetie?" he said. "She's an insane, bloodthirsty madwoman -- and that was before ambrosia!"
"He's right," Aphrodite advised. "With godlike powers, she's essentially Ares on estrogen."
"Huh?" Hilda and Xelda said in unison.
"The god of war. Like, duh," the love goddess replied.
"We know who Ares is," Xelda sighed in exasperation. "We're just surprised that you know what estrogen is."
"Yeah, that's it," Hilda added unconvincingly.
"Sis is right," Hercules commented. "I have no idea how you glow like that, Hilda, but you are no match for Callisto."
"I don't care," Hilda said, lapsing into a John Wayne mode. "A witch has gotta do what a witch has gotta do." With that, she pointed a magic finger at Callisto. "Hey, hon, let's get small!"
But instead of Hilda's magic shrinking Callisto, it had the opposite effect and suddenly made her bigger. The new goddess rapidly outgrew her horse, who skittered away to dodge her increasing weight and bulk. By the time the growth stopped some 20 seconds later, Callisto had grown slightly more than 12 times her original size.
"How did that happen?" Hilda asked Hercules as she heard Aphrodite gulp.
"This is something I've never seen before," he replied. "For all the abilities and powers gods have, they cannot make themselves grow."
Then Xelda remembered an obscure passage from the Handbook of Magic: When a witch enters a fictional universe and gives a character powers, any magic the witch thereafter uses on that person has precisely the opposite effect. This rule was designed to prevent witches from going in books and stories and arbitrarily changing storylines. It came after a 1939 incident where a witch in Alabama altered "Gone With The Wind," giving Scarlett O'Hara Superman's powers and enabling her to singlehandedly defeat the Union army. Hilda must never have received that addendum to the handbook.
"Thank you, thank you," Callisto replied, looking down at the village from her new perspective. "Now I'm not only a god, but a titan, too. I only wish that little bitty Xena was here to see my transformation." She began laughing -- "Little bitty Xena, what a funny thing to say!" -- and due to her commanding size her sound resounded for miles. "But that's all right. Eventually I will have her wrapped around my little finger. Literally!"
This certainly wasn't on the TV show, Salem thought, although a 70-foot Hudson Leick does look rather delicious. Trouble is, this isn't Hudson Leick.
"I've really blown it now," Hilda said. "Everybody run!"
As if retreating from a 1950s B horror movie monster, the villagers hurried into the Charging Dragon tavern, where they stood cheek-by-jowl. Hilda, carrying Salem, and Xelda stood in front of the window; as one villager angrily said to Hilda, "You created this -- you stand in the line of fire." A nervous Joxer stood by her side, with Hercules, Iolaus and Aphrodite standing alongside Xelda.
"So you think I'm going to attack you now, little people?" the Callisto colossus said. "Could be. But first, I think I'm going to evaluate my abilities. Once I develop and harness my godlike strengths, I will easily become the most powerful force in the cosmos. Not even the gods will be able to stop me!" She stood up to her full, majestic height and noted she was slightly taller than the trees surrounding the village.
It began raining, and within a minute the drops were heavy. "At least we're under cover, something you now can never be," Hilda yelled to Callisto.
"Doesn't matter," the titaness-goddess replied, waving her hand above her head. Instantaneously, there was suddenly an invisible shield around Callisto, protecting her from the rain. "You forgot I can do this now."
Hilda grit her teeth in despair. "Darn, she learns quickly," she said.
"I'm hungry," Callisto said, "so how about a roast?" She viewed a farm in the distance and hurled a fireball. After the explosion, the aroma of roast pork and beef drifted toward the tavern.
"Hope there's enough there to satisfy my mighty appetite," she said, walking toward the burning property.
"That was my farm!" a man near Hilda exclaimed.
"Oh," Hilda replied sheepishly. "Uh, there wasn't anybody home, was there?"
"No," he replied, "but what about all my livestock?"
As Hilda struggled for an appropriate response, the proprietor of the Charging Dragon spoke up. "I'll be happy to make a deal with you for that meat," he said, "if there's any left when she's done."
Whew, Hilda thought. There's one crisis averted, sort of.
* * *
"--and remember, if you can furnish us proof of unexplained phenomena, you can win cash prizes," the announcer said. "Just send it to Weird Life, P.O. Box fifty-four thirty-two, Hollywood, California, nine-oh-..."
"Of course!," Libby Chessler said, jotting the address down from the TV set. "Show Sabrina for the freak that she is, and get money in the process! What could be sweeter?"
She shut off the TV set, retrieved her family's video camera from the closet and went to her car. "It's off to the Spellmans and that teeny tiny horse of theirs," she said. "I can smell that cash...another designer dress."
* * *
The time was now 6:50 p.m., and the "Xena" rerun was scheduled to air at the top of the hour. Sabrina, who was pointing the dinner dishes clean, admitted she was getting nervous about returning her guests to their world. What if she got the spell wrong? Where could they end up? More important from a family viewpoint, how are Hilda, Zelda and Salem holding up amongst the Xena characters?
Better get ready, she thought. The first thing she did was point at Argo, and the mare suddenly grew larger and larger until she reached her original size. Then, remembering the change she had made in her equine tract, she said a spell: "Keep Argo housebroken at full scale, till she's returned to Xena's vale." Now she appreciated owning a rhyming dictionary as part of her witch's training.
Sabrina took Argo's reins and walked her into the living room, where Xena and Gabrielle were resting on the couch. "I could tell she was tired of being so small," the witch explained.
"Uh-huh," said Gabrielle, who peered up from the Boston Herald sports section. "By the way, did you see that Curt Schilling struck out 12 Pirates last night?"
"If you really must know," Sabrina said, "it's getting close to the time I have to send you and Xena back." She glanced at the watch. "Eight minutes away, in fact."
"As you must," Xena said. "We have work to do."
"Dang," Gabrielle commented. "If this doesn't work, Sabrina, can I turn on the TV so see the Red Sox play at Texas tonight? The Ballpark in Arlington looks like a great place to watch a game."
Sabrina nodded and smiled, wondering if Gabrielle's sudden baseball zeal would make the transition to the Xenaverse.
* * *
"Hey, Olympus!" a giant leather-clad blonde yelled to a faraway mountain. "You gods better enjoy your time up there, 'cause it will soon be mine."
"Fat chance, you overgrown--darn, I'm so mad!" an infuriated Aphrodite said from inside the tavern.
"Callisto has gone crazy with power," Hercules said to his sister.
"Maybe it will wear off and she'll revert to normal size," a hopeful Hilda said.
"Yeah, right," several villagers said in unison.
"Hey, it could happen," she replied.
"What are we going to do?" Xelda whispered to Salem.
The cat gave a blank stare. "Give her a bottle that says 'Drink Me'?," Salem softly replied. "I have no idea."
"We could wait a little while, let her get overconfident, then find some way to trick her," Hercules said to Xelda. "If she's a titan, there may be some way to turn her into stone." She nodded, then thought to herself, what's the precise opposite of stone in this context? Even she was stumped by that one.
So it's come to this, Xelda thought. Powerless, for now, against a giant goddess created by my bumbling sister.
Her thoughts were disrupted by a thundering sound -- Callisto's lumbering footsteps, though she only needed a few strides to reach the front of the tavern. Her enormous boots were within kicking distance of the window where Hilda and Xelda stood, and Callisto feigned a threatening kick or two.
"Maybe I should simply crush all of you into oblivion," Callisto chortled, lifting her left foot above the pagoda. "Naw, too easy." She sat down in front of the tavern, folding her legs and eyeing the building like a schoolgirl looking at her dollhouse.
"This reminds me so of my younger days in Cirra," she said, giggling; by now, the rain had subsided. "And you're all my little dollies."
* * *
Libby Chessler parked her car on the intersecting street so the Spellmans couldn't see her, then stealthily walked around the corner, making sure her video camera was working properly. Once I get this tiny horse, we're in the money, she thought.
She carefully manuevered herself near the main window of the living room, then gradually worked the camera up to the edge of the window. From her viewfinder, she saw a surprising sight -- but a disappointing one.
A horse was in the living room, all right, but it was of normal proportions. Worthy of freakishness, she sighed, not worthy of cash. But then she noted Sabrina turning on the TV set while chatting with those two Greek students. It appeared she was giving them instructions, and Xena seemed very friendly with that horse.
Might as well keep the camera running, Libby thought. Could make for good cheerleader gossip.
"Time for you return," Sabrina said to her guests. "It's been a fun 24 hours."
"Pay us a visit anytime," Xena said, as she and Gabrielle each hugged their host.
"Gladly," Sabrina said. "Maybe I can help you subdue a warlord or two. Without magic." She heard her watch beep. "Seven o'clock."
The show came on, but there was a most unusual sight. Instead of Hilda, Zelda and Salem, the initial image was that of a huge Callisto sitting cross-legged in front of a pagoda.
So they're watching some cheesy sci-fi movie, Libby said. Those special effects don't look bad, though.
Xena was perplexed. "How did Callisto become a titan?" she wondered.
Sabrina sighed. "I have a weird feeling my aunts helped make her this way," she said. That belief was corroborated in the next image of the front window, where a nervous Hilda clutching a scared Salem, with a concerned Zelda standing nearby.
"They borrowed our outfits!" Gabrielle said.
"Just trying to fit in," Sabrina guessed.
Libby was confused. How did her aunts get into that movie? It looks too professional to be one of those independent productions.
Callisto grinned to the denizens of the tavern. "Think I'm going to do some urban planning," she said. "How about giving this tavern some open-air dining?" With that, she used her titan's strength to gingerly lift the roof from the pagoda, then tossed it aside as if it was part of a playset. "Hope you don't get much precipitation in these parts."
Xena and Gabrielle surveyed the crowd inside the suddenly uncovered tavern. "Look, there's Hercules," Xena said.
"And Iolaus, and Aphrodite," Gabrielle added. "They look as unsettled as anyone."
"You know, I think it's time I got to know some of you up close and personal, including you, that little kitty cat oracle I saw earlier today," Callisto said with an evil leer. "Unfortunately for you, titanesses and goddesses don't have allergies."
"Long story," Salem whispered to Hilda.
Callisto threateningly moved her right hand above the throng; a frightened Joxer clutched Hilda tightly, forcing Salem to leap into Xelda's arms for comfort.
"Hilda...Hilda..." the colossus bellowed.
"I've got to save my aunts!" Sabrina said. "Time to send you back, now!" She rushed into a spell recitation. "TV's fun, so's reality, send things back to where they used to be." She could see the images of Xena, Gabrielle and Argo began to flicker.
That's bizarre, Libby said to herself, as one hand grasped the video camera and the other the ledge near the window. I may have something here after all. Then she felt a strange feeling in her stomach...
As Callisto's huge hand hovered overhead, preparing to pick up victims as if they were toy soldiers, Hilda began hearing some beeps, followed by a swoosh -- sounds she recognized. "Who's playing Motown?" she asked, lapsing into a Diana Ross impression. "Reflections of...the way life used to be..."
"Used to be. That's it!," Xelda said. "I think we're going home! Thanks, Sabrina!" Their images wobbled. Seconds later, Hilda, Xelda and Salem faded from view in the tavern and on the TV screen, just as Willard Kraft parked his car in the Spellmans' driveway and Harvey Kinkle followed suit.
* * *
"We're home!" Hilda screamed to her sister, as she surveyed the Spellman living room and got a hug from her niece.
"Indeed we are," Xelda said. "And you're not amber anymore." Now I can drop that "X" and restore the "Z," she thought.
"Plus you've brought a guest along," Salem added.
"Where am I? What am I doing here?" Joxer asked, just as Willard, standing with Harvey, rang the doorbell. Why now? Sabrina said, rushing to answer.
"Well, it's good to have you here, sweetie," Hilda said, rushing to Joxer's side and embracing him. "Welcome to my world."
"Take him into the kitchen and settle him down," Zelda said. "We'll figure out what to do with him later."
"Gladly," Hilda said, leading him by the hand and zapping him into a shirt, tie and slacks. "I've got a lot to teach you, hon...but it's going to be so much fun playing tutor."
Sabrina opened the door. "Oh, hello Harvey, Mr. Kraft," she said.
"Zuzu, what are you doing dressed like Xena?" Willard asked. Sabrina realized that now that the spell was over, everyone's memories of the show were restored. Would this mean that what happened the past 24 hours was erased?
"Been invited to a costume party," Zelda replied. She grinned. "Imagine me as an action heroine."
"Like on TV," Harvey said.
Sabrina glanced to the set and saw Callisto on screen, but she was now normal sized, apparently powerless, and staring at her rival Xena. It was as if the previous events had never happened.
"Zuzu, you can be my warrior princess anytime," Willard said, hugging her, though grimacing a bit from contact with her pointed armor. "I'll call that costume store downtown and see if it still has a Hercules outfit available for rental."
Sabrina went into the kitchen to check out Hilda and Joxer; Salem had joined them. "I just don't understand this," the young witch said. "The spell says an equal number of people are displaced in that spell. If Joxer is here, who's there?"
* * *
"Where am I?" Libby wondered, looking at the field of green that suddenly lay before her. She examined her video camera, and discovered it wasn't working. "Somebody help me!" she screamed.
A tall brunette woman in leather, on horseback, spotted her and stopped.
"Can you help me?" Libby asked. "Funny, but you look like Xena."
"I get that all the time," Meg said in her ersatz Fran Drescher accent. "Hop on board."
THE END
DISCLAIMER: The Motown Sound, aluminum bats, Tex Avery cartoons, cheesy 1950s sci-fi movies and accents of girls who sound as if they come from Queens were not harmed during the production of this final chapter. In the words of the late, great Ernie Kovacs, it's been real.
Hilda and Aphrodite continued their struggle, but both were too engrossed in their fight to notice that the number of spectators watching were rapidly dwindling. That's because there was a commotion emanating from the other end of town.
"He's here!" someone shouted as he zipped past Xelda and Salem.
"Who?" the witch warrior asked.
"Hercules!" he hurriedly replied.
"That's nice," Xelda said.
"It's great!" Salem told her. "We're in a crossover episode. Must be sweeps."
The commotion came closer to Xelda and Salem. "I want to see Hercules, but I can't from this angle, Xelly," the cat said, staring up.
"And risk you saying something out loud?"
"When I see Hercules, I'll mew. Loudly."
"Promise that will be it?"
Salem nodded.
"Okay." Xelda picked him up.
The cat looked into the crowd and saw a tall, brawny, leather-clad man with long blond hair and began to mew.
He had caught Xelda's eye, too. "So I see," she said with a smile that revealed a touch of, for lack of a better word, hubba-hubba.
"I think you're falling for Herc, Xeldy," Salem whispered to her.
"Nonsense! What could I possibly have in common with that muscleman?" she protested.
"Your old scientific self hasn't disappeared, I see," the cat replied softly. "But in this world, you're an action heroine. If you want science, go to Athens and look up Archimedes--just don't bathe with him."
"Shhh! He's heading our way with a shorter blond." Salem recognized him as Herc's sidekick, Iolaus.
* * *
The hurdles and other track equipment put back in storage, Willard Kraft sat in the coaches' office after showering and changing into civilian clothes and regained his breath. He had called all the area dailies with the results, emphasizing the incredible debut of this tall girl from Greece. She'll be all-state without a sweat, he thought.
He understood Zee was an exchange student staying at Sabrina's house and consequently planned to take it easy on that irritating blonde. Can't run the risk of letting her transfer, he thought of his track star.
There was also the lovely Zelda to consider. He closed his eyes and imagined inhaling the aroma of her exquisite perfume. Willard hadn't talked with her since a phone call yesterday afternoon. "That's been too long without my Zuzu," he said to himself. "I'll drop by after dinner to say hello, and hope Hilda is out shopping. Please."
* * *
"What's going on here?" Hercules asked Xelda in a midwestern U.S. accent. Salem thought her heart was going to leap out of her chest, as in a Tex Avery cartoon. "Oh, by the way, my name is Hercules and this," he said pointing to his shorter companion, "is Iolaus."
"I'm Xelda, uh, sort of a warrior. For good things of course, like you." Salem nodded his approval.
"Cute cat," Iolaus said.
"Here, you take him," Xelda said, taking Salem from her shoulder and placing him in Iolaus' arms. "If you scratch him, kitty, forget about dinner." Surprised by her move, the feline stayed on good behavior.
"That's my sister Hilda fighting over there," Xelda pointed and said to Hercules.
"That's a strange glow she casts--" he answered as the fighters whirled around, "--and she's fighting my half-sister."
"Had forgotten you were related to Aphrodite. Sorry." She had taken at most one mythology course at Other Realm University hundreds of years ago. "As for my sister, well, she's always been the kind whose personality lights up a room."
"And look at Joxer, suspended in mid-air," Iolaus commented.
Xelda, Hercules and Iolaus all slowly approached the fight scene.
* * *
"That was delicious," Gabrielle said to Sabrina once dinner was finished.
"I agree," Xena said. "Fish is great anytime, especially with that broccoli."
"Thanks," Sabrina answered, but she was too engrossed in glancing at her watch. It was 6:40 p.m., just 20 minutes to go before the "Xena" rerun was to air and everything could be rectified at last. But rather than remind Xena and Gabrielle about it, she thought it best to tell them at the last minute.
"Just sit tight and relax," the young witch said. "You both have had a long and frantic day."
"You did feed Argo?" Xena asked.
"Of course," Sabrina replied. That was another thing that had to be done -- restore the horse to full size.
* * *
"Let me rescue Joxer," Xelda said to her new companions. Now what's holding him up there?, she thought to herself as she gazed at the suspended warrior. Let's approach this rationally...if rationality still has any place left in this world.
She licked a finger and held it aloft, feeling the wind currents. "Hmm," she said to herself, "the wind seems to be flowing around some kind of sphere surrounding him." She concentrated harder on the sensation of the air flow. "And from the fluctuations, it must be a very wobbly sphere...like a soap bubble or that thing from 'The Prisoner.'"
"Let's just hope it's as fragile as a soap bubble," Xelda muttered as she drew a magically-conjured dart from her armor. Aiming to miss Joxer by the narrowest of margins, she let the dart fly. With a resounding "pop," the force bubble burst and Joxer tumbled safely, if ungracefully, to the ground.
"Let's hear it for scientific method!" Xelda chuckled, then yelled, "Now run, Joxer, run!"
The clumsy warrior picked himself up and ran to the side of Xelda, Hercules and Iolaus.
"Not bad work," Hercules said to Xelda. "I am impressed."
"You should see me with a chakram," she replied with a coy smile.
"Hello, bro," Aphrodite said to Hercules in the midst of her tussle. "See? I'm a lover and a fighter!"
Hilda saw the action and became desperate. She's called in the cavalry, and who do I have for support? Xelly, she thought, who even with witch powers was out of her league against Herc. I need assistance, and fast. Then she caught Salem from the corner of her eye. I still have ambrosia, she thought. If I toss him a piece, he can eat it and gain godlike powers. The world may not survive him, but right now, who cares?
So a few seconds later, when she was only a few feet from Salem being held by Iolaus, she discreetly pulled out a small piece of the substance and made a shovel pass his way. But it never reached Salem.
Halfway through the toss, the ambrosia nugget landed on a flying chakram, where it mysteriously remained despite the high speed and was caught some distance away by an armored woman on horseback.
"And what have we here on my way to the general?" Callisto said with an evil grin. "A special bonus dessert. How ingenious of me to take this route." And with that, she eagerly placed the ambrosia in her mouth and let it roll around before swallowing the substance.
Seeing what was happening, Hercules rushed into the Hilda-Aphrodite battle. "After what has just happened, you two had better end your fighting," he said sternly. "We have bigger problems now. Callisto has just consumed ambrosia and will soon have godlike powers."
Callisto with powers. How many episodes is this ahead of schedule?, Salem wondered. Gee, the show has really been thrown off kilter, like a director's cut.
* * *
"I'm going to go see Sabrina," Harvey said to his perpetually pregnant mother as he rushed in and out of the kitchen and pulled out a sandwich from the refrigerator. "Gotta do some studying."
"Okay, sweetie," she replied, patting her stomach. "Oh, by the way, can you get me some ice cream on the way home?"
Cravings again, Harvey thought.
* * *
Xelda, Hilda, Salem, Joxer, Aphrodite, Hercules, Iolaus and the village residents eyed Callisto warily as she drew her horse closer to them.
"There's no telling what she could do now that she's becoming a god," Hercules said. "Look at her eyes -- see how she's changing." They were beginning to take on an eerie greenish glow.
Just like on the TV show, Salem thought. Then again, we are on the TV show.
"You all no doubt are wondering what it's like to turn into a goddess," Callisto said, snickering. "It's, well, a blast." With that, a fireball materialized in her right palm as the crowd gasped. "Here's the pitch!", she exclaimed, tossing it at the throng.
"Anachronism alert!" Hilda immediately responded, instantaneously creating an aluminum bat and giving it a mighty swing. She connected with the fireball and it went at least a thousand feet, fortunately landing in a lake.
"Metal bats really do make them go farther," Salem said to himself.
"Listen, amber girl, I don't know how you gained your powers, but you aren't going to outdo me," Callisto seethed. "I've only just begun to fight."
"Oh yeah?" Hilda retorted. "And by the way, my name is Hilda."
"So what."
Joxer ran over to Hilda's side. "Are you nuts, sweetie?" he said. "She's an insane, bloodthirsty madwoman -- and that was before ambrosia!"
"He's right," Aphrodite advised. "With godlike powers, she's essentially Ares on estrogen."
"Huh?" Hilda and Xelda said in unison.
"The god of war. Like, duh," the love goddess replied.
"We know who Ares is," Xelda sighed in exasperation. "We're just surprised that you know what estrogen is."
"Yeah, that's it," Hilda added unconvincingly.
"Sis is right," Hercules commented. "I have no idea how you glow like that, Hilda, but you are no match for Callisto."
"I don't care," Hilda said, lapsing into a John Wayne mode. "A witch has gotta do what a witch has gotta do." With that, she pointed a magic finger at Callisto. "Hey, hon, let's get small!"
But instead of Hilda's magic shrinking Callisto, it had the opposite effect and suddenly made her bigger. The new goddess rapidly outgrew her horse, who skittered away to dodge her increasing weight and bulk. By the time the growth stopped some 20 seconds later, Callisto had grown slightly more than 12 times her original size.
"How did that happen?" Hilda asked Hercules as she heard Aphrodite gulp.
"This is something I've never seen before," he replied. "For all the abilities and powers gods have, they cannot make themselves grow."
Then Xelda remembered an obscure passage from the Handbook of Magic: When a witch enters a fictional universe and gives a character powers, any magic the witch thereafter uses on that person has precisely the opposite effect. This rule was designed to prevent witches from going in books and stories and arbitrarily changing storylines. It came after a 1939 incident where a witch in Alabama altered "Gone With The Wind," giving Scarlett O'Hara Superman's powers and enabling her to singlehandedly defeat the Union army. Hilda must never have received that addendum to the handbook.
"Thank you, thank you," Callisto replied, looking down at the village from her new perspective. "Now I'm not only a god, but a titan, too. I only wish that little bitty Xena was here to see my transformation." She began laughing -- "Little bitty Xena, what a funny thing to say!" -- and due to her commanding size her sound resounded for miles. "But that's all right. Eventually I will have her wrapped around my little finger. Literally!"
This certainly wasn't on the TV show, Salem thought, although a 70-foot Hudson Leick does look rather delicious. Trouble is, this isn't Hudson Leick.
"I've really blown it now," Hilda said. "Everybody run!"
As if retreating from a 1950s B horror movie monster, the villagers hurried into the Charging Dragon tavern, where they stood cheek-by-jowl. Hilda, carrying Salem, and Xelda stood in front of the window; as one villager angrily said to Hilda, "You created this -- you stand in the line of fire." A nervous Joxer stood by her side, with Hercules, Iolaus and Aphrodite standing alongside Xelda.
"So you think I'm going to attack you now, little people?" the Callisto colossus said. "Could be. But first, I think I'm going to evaluate my abilities. Once I develop and harness my godlike strengths, I will easily become the most powerful force in the cosmos. Not even the gods will be able to stop me!" She stood up to her full, majestic height and noted she was slightly taller than the trees surrounding the village.
It began raining, and within a minute the drops were heavy. "At least we're under cover, something you now can never be," Hilda yelled to Callisto.
"Doesn't matter," the titaness-goddess replied, waving her hand above her head. Instantaneously, there was suddenly an invisible shield around Callisto, protecting her from the rain. "You forgot I can do this now."
Hilda grit her teeth in despair. "Darn, she learns quickly," she said.
"I'm hungry," Callisto said, "so how about a roast?" She viewed a farm in the distance and hurled a fireball. After the explosion, the aroma of roast pork and beef drifted toward the tavern.
"Hope there's enough there to satisfy my mighty appetite," she said, walking toward the burning property.
"That was my farm!" a man near Hilda exclaimed.
"Oh," Hilda replied sheepishly. "Uh, there wasn't anybody home, was there?"
"No," he replied, "but what about all my livestock?"
As Hilda struggled for an appropriate response, the proprietor of the Charging Dragon spoke up. "I'll be happy to make a deal with you for that meat," he said, "if there's any left when she's done."
Whew, Hilda thought. There's one crisis averted, sort of.
* * *
"--and remember, if you can furnish us proof of unexplained phenomena, you can win cash prizes," the announcer said. "Just send it to Weird Life, P.O. Box fifty-four thirty-two, Hollywood, California, nine-oh-..."
"Of course!," Libby Chessler said, jotting the address down from the TV set. "Show Sabrina for the freak that she is, and get money in the process! What could be sweeter?"
She shut off the TV set, retrieved her family's video camera from the closet and went to her car. "It's off to the Spellmans and that teeny tiny horse of theirs," she said. "I can smell that cash...another designer dress."
* * *
The time was now 6:50 p.m., and the "Xena" rerun was scheduled to air at the top of the hour. Sabrina, who was pointing the dinner dishes clean, admitted she was getting nervous about returning her guests to their world. What if she got the spell wrong? Where could they end up? More important from a family viewpoint, how are Hilda, Zelda and Salem holding up amongst the Xena characters?
Better get ready, she thought. The first thing she did was point at Argo, and the mare suddenly grew larger and larger until she reached her original size. Then, remembering the change she had made in her equine tract, she said a spell: "Keep Argo housebroken at full scale, till she's returned to Xena's vale." Now she appreciated owning a rhyming dictionary as part of her witch's training.
Sabrina took Argo's reins and walked her into the living room, where Xena and Gabrielle were resting on the couch. "I could tell she was tired of being so small," the witch explained.
"Uh-huh," said Gabrielle, who peered up from the Boston Herald sports section. "By the way, did you see that Curt Schilling struck out 12 Pirates last night?"
"If you really must know," Sabrina said, "it's getting close to the time I have to send you and Xena back." She glanced at the watch. "Eight minutes away, in fact."
"As you must," Xena said. "We have work to do."
"Dang," Gabrielle commented. "If this doesn't work, Sabrina, can I turn on the TV so see the Red Sox play at Texas tonight? The Ballpark in Arlington looks like a great place to watch a game."
Sabrina nodded and smiled, wondering if Gabrielle's sudden baseball zeal would make the transition to the Xenaverse.
* * *
"Hey, Olympus!" a giant leather-clad blonde yelled to a faraway mountain. "You gods better enjoy your time up there, 'cause it will soon be mine."
"Fat chance, you overgrown--darn, I'm so mad!" an infuriated Aphrodite said from inside the tavern.
"Callisto has gone crazy with power," Hercules said to his sister.
"Maybe it will wear off and she'll revert to normal size," a hopeful Hilda said.
"Yeah, right," several villagers said in unison.
"Hey, it could happen," she replied.
"What are we going to do?" Xelda whispered to Salem.
The cat gave a blank stare. "Give her a bottle that says 'Drink Me'?," Salem softly replied. "I have no idea."
"We could wait a little while, let her get overconfident, then find some way to trick her," Hercules said to Xelda. "If she's a titan, there may be some way to turn her into stone." She nodded, then thought to herself, what's the precise opposite of stone in this context? Even she was stumped by that one.
So it's come to this, Xelda thought. Powerless, for now, against a giant goddess created by my bumbling sister.
Her thoughts were disrupted by a thundering sound -- Callisto's lumbering footsteps, though she only needed a few strides to reach the front of the tavern. Her enormous boots were within kicking distance of the window where Hilda and Xelda stood, and Callisto feigned a threatening kick or two.
"Maybe I should simply crush all of you into oblivion," Callisto chortled, lifting her left foot above the pagoda. "Naw, too easy." She sat down in front of the tavern, folding her legs and eyeing the building like a schoolgirl looking at her dollhouse.
"This reminds me so of my younger days in Cirra," she said, giggling; by now, the rain had subsided. "And you're all my little dollies."
* * *
Libby Chessler parked her car on the intersecting street so the Spellmans couldn't see her, then stealthily walked around the corner, making sure her video camera was working properly. Once I get this tiny horse, we're in the money, she thought.
She carefully manuevered herself near the main window of the living room, then gradually worked the camera up to the edge of the window. From her viewfinder, she saw a surprising sight -- but a disappointing one.
A horse was in the living room, all right, but it was of normal proportions. Worthy of freakishness, she sighed, not worthy of cash. But then she noted Sabrina turning on the TV set while chatting with those two Greek students. It appeared she was giving them instructions, and Xena seemed very friendly with that horse.
Might as well keep the camera running, Libby thought. Could make for good cheerleader gossip.
"Time for you return," Sabrina said to her guests. "It's been a fun 24 hours."
"Pay us a visit anytime," Xena said, as she and Gabrielle each hugged their host.
"Gladly," Sabrina said. "Maybe I can help you subdue a warlord or two. Without magic." She heard her watch beep. "Seven o'clock."
The show came on, but there was a most unusual sight. Instead of Hilda, Zelda and Salem, the initial image was that of a huge Callisto sitting cross-legged in front of a pagoda.
So they're watching some cheesy sci-fi movie, Libby said. Those special effects don't look bad, though.
Xena was perplexed. "How did Callisto become a titan?" she wondered.
Sabrina sighed. "I have a weird feeling my aunts helped make her this way," she said. That belief was corroborated in the next image of the front window, where a nervous Hilda clutching a scared Salem, with a concerned Zelda standing nearby.
"They borrowed our outfits!" Gabrielle said.
"Just trying to fit in," Sabrina guessed.
Libby was confused. How did her aunts get into that movie? It looks too professional to be one of those independent productions.
Callisto grinned to the denizens of the tavern. "Think I'm going to do some urban planning," she said. "How about giving this tavern some open-air dining?" With that, she used her titan's strength to gingerly lift the roof from the pagoda, then tossed it aside as if it was part of a playset. "Hope you don't get much precipitation in these parts."
Xena and Gabrielle surveyed the crowd inside the suddenly uncovered tavern. "Look, there's Hercules," Xena said.
"And Iolaus, and Aphrodite," Gabrielle added. "They look as unsettled as anyone."
"You know, I think it's time I got to know some of you up close and personal, including you, that little kitty cat oracle I saw earlier today," Callisto said with an evil leer. "Unfortunately for you, titanesses and goddesses don't have allergies."
"Long story," Salem whispered to Hilda.
Callisto threateningly moved her right hand above the throng; a frightened Joxer clutched Hilda tightly, forcing Salem to leap into Xelda's arms for comfort.
"Hilda...Hilda..." the colossus bellowed.
"I've got to save my aunts!" Sabrina said. "Time to send you back, now!" She rushed into a spell recitation. "TV's fun, so's reality, send things back to where they used to be." She could see the images of Xena, Gabrielle and Argo began to flicker.
That's bizarre, Libby said to herself, as one hand grasped the video camera and the other the ledge near the window. I may have something here after all. Then she felt a strange feeling in her stomach...
As Callisto's huge hand hovered overhead, preparing to pick up victims as if they were toy soldiers, Hilda began hearing some beeps, followed by a swoosh -- sounds she recognized. "Who's playing Motown?" she asked, lapsing into a Diana Ross impression. "Reflections of...the way life used to be..."
"Used to be. That's it!," Xelda said. "I think we're going home! Thanks, Sabrina!" Their images wobbled. Seconds later, Hilda, Xelda and Salem faded from view in the tavern and on the TV screen, just as Willard Kraft parked his car in the Spellmans' driveway and Harvey Kinkle followed suit.
* * *
"We're home!" Hilda screamed to her sister, as she surveyed the Spellman living room and got a hug from her niece.
"Indeed we are," Xelda said. "And you're not amber anymore." Now I can drop that "X" and restore the "Z," she thought.
"Plus you've brought a guest along," Salem added.
"Where am I? What am I doing here?" Joxer asked, just as Willard, standing with Harvey, rang the doorbell. Why now? Sabrina said, rushing to answer.
"Well, it's good to have you here, sweetie," Hilda said, rushing to Joxer's side and embracing him. "Welcome to my world."
"Take him into the kitchen and settle him down," Zelda said. "We'll figure out what to do with him later."
"Gladly," Hilda said, leading him by the hand and zapping him into a shirt, tie and slacks. "I've got a lot to teach you, hon...but it's going to be so much fun playing tutor."
Sabrina opened the door. "Oh, hello Harvey, Mr. Kraft," she said.
"Zuzu, what are you doing dressed like Xena?" Willard asked. Sabrina realized that now that the spell was over, everyone's memories of the show were restored. Would this mean that what happened the past 24 hours was erased?
"Been invited to a costume party," Zelda replied. She grinned. "Imagine me as an action heroine."
"Like on TV," Harvey said.
Sabrina glanced to the set and saw Callisto on screen, but she was now normal sized, apparently powerless, and staring at her rival Xena. It was as if the previous events had never happened.
"Zuzu, you can be my warrior princess anytime," Willard said, hugging her, though grimacing a bit from contact with her pointed armor. "I'll call that costume store downtown and see if it still has a Hercules outfit available for rental."
Sabrina went into the kitchen to check out Hilda and Joxer; Salem had joined them. "I just don't understand this," the young witch said. "The spell says an equal number of people are displaced in that spell. If Joxer is here, who's there?"
* * *
"Where am I?" Libby wondered, looking at the field of green that suddenly lay before her. She examined her video camera, and discovered it wasn't working. "Somebody help me!" she screamed.
A tall brunette woman in leather, on horseback, spotted her and stopped.
"Can you help me?" Libby asked. "Funny, but you look like Xena."
"I get that all the time," Meg said in her ersatz Fran Drescher accent. "Hop on board."
THE END
DISCLAIMER: The Motown Sound, aluminum bats, Tex Avery cartoons, cheesy 1950s sci-fi movies and accents of girls who sound as if they come from Queens were not harmed during the production of this final chapter. In the words of the late, great Ernie Kovacs, it's been real.