April 3
AC 195
7:56pm
For the first time in months, I have time to write. Things have been taking a turn for the worst. The negotiations with the Foundation are going nowhere. But that is work, I am sorry, I am off topic again.
Now that I am alone, with my thoughts as my only companions, I have realized. I have only had one romantic encounter in my life, and it wasn't even for love really. It was a spur of the moment thing. Of course the person shall remain nameless, in case someone happens to stumble upon this diary. In the time since that encounter, I have had basically no time to think about romance. I have become the General of the strongest military force in the world at this point, and with that comes obligations of course. Again, I am sorry, off topic.
I have struggled with inner emotions over this romance issue. For days, nights, weeks, and months. There are so many who could possibly be the perfect one for me. Of course, I won't know until I try now will I?
I have to be honest here for a moment, I have never experimented or thought much about my sexuality. I always thought I was a "normal" man, attracted to only women, and the thought of being with another man was completely ridiculous! I thought that, until I met, Zechs Merquise. I guess you could say he changed my views on the whole sexuality thing. He is the most wonderful, and dare I say, lovely men I have seen in my lifetime. Of course what are the chances he, of all men would twist that certain way?
Through the years, I have seen changes in Zechs, and we have become rather close, or at least I think so. I am afraid, of course to tell him how I feel, God forbid if he sees this diary before I am dead and buried. He seems to show interest in a young Lieutenant named Lucrezia Noin. Now, I'm not going to force him to chose me over her, because chances are he probably doesn't twist that way, or would like me even if he did.
Yes, by now you know.. I am in love with Zechs Merquise, but I am afraid to tell him my true feelings. I fear he will think me an insufficient General, and maybe spread the word. Then what shall I do? Resign? Spend the rest of my life in hiding because I was too bold?
No, I won't allow that. Now that I am thinking about it more deeply, there is only one thing I can do. Tell him. No matter how it effects me or him. I have held this inside for so long, I know, someday it will slip. Better sooner, and by choice, than later, by accident.
But I cannot. For I am weak in that area, the emotional area more specifically. One day Zechs, you shall know how I feel, but for now, it shall remain a secret and only I shall know about it.
My time grows short again, but take my word, I shall write more again.
~Treize Khushrenada~