Dear Zack
Disclaimer: Zack and all
other characters belong to James Cameron and Fox, none to me.
Summary: Sequel to Dear
Tinga; second installment in the 'Regret to Siblings' series. Max writes to
Zack. (Post-AJBAC)And begs for his forgiveness. (M/Z, sort of)
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Dear Zack:
I'm sorry Zack, sorry that
I couldn't stop you from pulling that trigger. You shouldn't have done that,
Syl and Krit need you, the rest of us need you. I don't matter anymore; I'm
supposed to be dead remember?? You weren't supposed to save me. Why, why??? Why
would you give up your life for me??? I wasn't worth it. Why? Because I
couldn't even stop you from pulling the trigger, I couldn't save you from
yourself, Zack, that's why I'm not worthy. But, still, I hang on the hope that
you're not dead, I mean how could you be, you're our C.O., our big brother, the
one whose taken care of us over the last 11 years. You can't be dead Zack, we
need you, without you, everything'll get so screwed up. I'm the one who messed
up, Zack; you shouldn't have to cover for me. That's all you ever did for me,
you know, you protected me. Or at least you tried to. I kept pushing you away,
trying to deny the fact that I couldn't have a normal life. I convinced myself
that you were wrong, that I could have a normal life. I got pissed at you, when
you said that leaving would be the best thing for me in the situation. I was so
stubborn, so selfish, and stupid; I couldn't even see the bigger picture. But,
you, you always knew the bigger picture, Zack. You knew the bigger picture 11
years ago, and you knew it now, even as you raised the gun to your head.
You knew the big picture,
survival, was our existence had always been about. But, I couldn't see it, I didn't
want too. All those times that you tried convincing me, that it was for my own
good. I didn't listen, I did nothing to listen. In the end, and several other
times, all you did was sacrifice you freedom, and your life, for me. And I
wasn't even around to be grateful for it. I let
you do it, Zack, I let you. I wasn't even brave enough to own up to my
responsibilities, whenever I screwed up. Instead, you took the rap for me,
because you cared. I'm not worthy of having you care for me, Zack, I'm not. I killed Ben. I killed our brother. Even
as we worked together to save Tinga, even though you always had my back, I knew
you hadn't forgiven me for it. Why should you have?? It's not like I actually
did anything to earn you forgiveness. But, that's why I'm appealing to you now,
big brother, I was wrong. I admit it now, I was wrong. I killed Ben, that alone
was unforgivable, but, I left his body to Lydecker!!! I was selfish, and I knew
it. That was worse than the guilt of killing Ben. I didn't want to do it, Zack,
you have to believe me, it was the last thing that I wanted to do. But, I
didn't'
have a choice; it was
better than to let Ben suffer.
One of the biggest regrets
that I think I have was not being there for Brin, when she needed me. You know,
we promised her that we'd be back. But, we weren't, not with all that was going
on. But, I wanted to be there for her, you know I did. And yet, my own life is
so fucked up, that I was too self-absorbed, to actually do something to help
you guys out.
The biggest confession I
have to make, is to you personally though, Zack. You see, the thing is I don't
love Logan. I never
loved Logan. I guess I was just deluding myself with the promise
of a normal life. I was hiding behind him, trying to convince myself, that he was
what I wanted because he was safe. After you came to look for me, I realized
that safety was a lie. I suppose I always knew, somewhere in the back of my
mind. But, I made sure that I blocked it out. But, when you came to look for
me, I got scared. You made things too real, too dangerous and painful. I stayed
with Logan, because he sat up in his penthouse and just typed
his messages to the world. He didn't feel the need to make the situations as
blunt, and point blank as you did. After a while, I began to realize exactly
how ignorant, and naïve Logan
is. He could never understand things from our point of view. He didn't know
what it was like to grow in Manticore, with the Tac Officers watching our every
move. Training, watching our brothers and sisters die. Being tortured, having
seizures, and waking up every morning to one of 'Daddy's' sermons. He thinks
that if he does his little part, in warning people about the dangers that lurk
around, everything will be okay. But, like, I told him, people around here
don't care, they're happy. A lot of them have known nothing but The Pulse; they
don't want it to change. Logan
grew up a spoiled little rich boy, he still is one. I was stupid to think that
I could actually be with him, when he didn't even understand me. But, you did.
You understood to a degree, where no one else could. You were there for me when
I needed you, and even when I didn't want you there, you were there all the
same. You might think that I didn't catch on Zack that I never knew. But I
knew, I knew and I hid from it, telling myself that it wasn't safe. I knew you
loved me, and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you I knew. I love you Zack. I
always have, and I always will. I made a promise to you, to fight them and to
never give up. I will keep that promise Zack, I will. I miss you, and I love
you so much. I'm sorry I've been too fucking ignorant to tell you. I love you
Zack, and I'm sorry.
I Love You Always And Forever,
Maxie
