By the way, this is set right after
Rachel died (aarrghghhh KA Applegate!!!)
The Devil's Office
The Devil - *on the phone* No!!!
Wait, she's cool! Really! You can have her anytime ... what do you mean
you don't want her? ... of course no! Wait!!!!! *curses* He hung up on
me!!! God freaking hung up on me!!!
The Devil's Secretary - *looking
all dumb and blonde* You, like, poor thing!
The Devil - Well, thanks, that's
always good for my self esteem isn't it? Get Rachel in here.
*Rachel appears mysteriously* Rachel
- *in dark glasses and fubus* Whazzzzzzuppppp!!!!!
The Devil - Rachel, you do understand
you are the MOST annoying creature that has ever set foot in hell, don't
you? Elvis Presley could take a pick or two from you.
Rachel - You've mentioned that a
few million times now, you know. I think I might have guessed.
The Devil - *sulking* I just called
God. I was inquiring as to whether he would take you.
Rachel - Say whaaaa???
The Devil - As in to like heaven.
Rachel - You're kidding me!!! This
is like he place to be, maaaaan!!! Dude, I just heard Britney Spears is
going to be coming down here in twenty years, I couldn't miss that!!!
The Devil - He didn't want you.
Rachel - Say whaaaa???
The Devil - He didn't even want
you.
Rachel - Well that's insulting isn't
it?
The Devil - A bit, yes. But, I have
decided to do something that I haven't done in years. I'm sending you back
to earth.
Rachel - What!??? No way, dude!!!
I just saw Pamela Anderson's twin and ...
Zzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaappppp!!!!!
Suddenly, Rachel was standing in
the middle of the highway when suddenly a large eighteen wheeler came zooming
into her.
Rachel - *hands on hips* Well isn't
this ironic.
BAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!
Rachel was standing in the Devil's
office once again.
The Devil (or rathwe Lucifer) -
*slapping his forehead* What are YOU doing here!?!?!?!?
Rachel - I was just hit by a truck
whose driver looked remarkably like Cassie (#1!!!).
Lucifer - You're kidding me.
Rachel - Actually no. But did you
know, the average road accident in California is caused by bad tires?
Lucifer - What?
Rachel - Sorry. Einstein shares
my bunk.
Lucifer - You share your bunk with
Einstein?
Rachel - What's with all the questions.
Anyway, since you can't send me back to Earth now, I guess I'll just go
hang with Princess Diana.
Lucifer - Who says I can't send
you back to Earth????? I am Lucifer, the prince of evil, king of darkness,
father of Damien. Speaking of which, Lourdes, *Lucifer presses his intercom*
is Damien back from the School for Ultra-Evil kids?
Lourdes (AKA the Devil's secretary)
- It's called high school, Lucifer! Say it with me, high school.
I don't know why you insist on calling it the School for Ultra-Evil kids.
And no, he's not back, rumor has it, he's joined a Satanist Club whose
members, weirdly or not, are mainly Harry Potter fans.
Lucifer - Great! When he gets
home, tell him I love him, his coochie-coochie-coochie ... *he notices
Rachel staring at him* sorry. Ahem. *Cough* As I was saying, I'm going
to have to send you back to Earth, again. I'll have to do it right this
time. And, if you see any trucks heading towards you, duck for freaking
goodness sake!!!
Zzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaappppp!!!!!
Rachel was standing in the barn
where ... Tobias and Jake were kissing. (#2!!!!)
Rachel - Tobias, I've only been
dead a few days! How could you???? And with Jake. Wait a minute, you're
still a hawk, how's this happening?
Tobias - How the hell should
I know, all I know is oooohhhh ... Jake CAN kiss!!!!!>
Ax strolled into the barn, holding
a cigar and swaggering with Marco in tow looking way bigger than Rachel
remembered.
Ax - Yo, Rashelll!!! Whashup wish
shou???? I'm from the Palazzolo family!!!!! *puff, puff of the cigar*
Rachel - Ax, have you joined the
Mafia?
Ax - You shkeem??? You were alwaysh
sho klever!!! *puff, puff* Didja hear that, Marko!???? Funny, hey.
Marco - *deep unnatural voice* Yeah,
bosh. I heard her.
Rachel - I've been dead two days,
Tobias and Jake are planning to have kids, Ax has become a Mafia boss and
Marco has become ... tall???
Suddenly the barn door burst open,
Cassie ran in holding a chain-saw.
Cassie - Haahahahahahahahahahah!!!!
I'ma kill sumbbboooddddyyy!!!! Hahahahahahahah.
Rachel - Now I know I've seen it
all. Wait a minute, Cassie, wasn't it you who ran me over with that truck????
Cassie - I'ma kill summmbbboddddyyyyy!!!!
Rachel - Ask a stupid question ...
Suddenly Cassie started running
towards Rachel with the chain saw not making any effort to look less dangerous,
"I'ma kill sumbbbboooddddyyyyy!!!!"
Ax - This is sho inshane! I'ma call
the big boysh, Marko, you shkeem?
Marco - *chuckles* Yeah bosh.
Jake and Tobias were still kissing.
SLASH!!! Cassie cut through Rachel's
neck with the chain saw.
Lucifer - What're you doing here
again!?!?!?!??
Zzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaappppp!!!!!
Rachel was standing in the barn
again and Tobias and Jake were still kissing, Ax was selling insurance
policies to Cassie's parents and saying, "This is an offer you can NOT
refuse. You shkeem, Marko??" and Cassie, believe it or not, was stabbing
innocent ducks with a spade yelling, "I'ma killing sumbbbboooddddyyyyy!!!!"
Rachel - I'm baaaaaaacckkkk!!!
Tobias - Slurp ... Slurp ...>
Jake - Hmmhmhmhmhmhmmhmhmh...
Rachel - Not that anyone cares.
Suddenly Ax started yelling - Whazza
bloody hell???? I'm going to Paris, the city of love!!! *Sigh*
Rachel - What the ...
Marco - Don't worry, he started
having these personality complexes as soon as you died, he's like Madonna,
he changes his look every minute. He's insane. (#3!!!!!)
Rachel - Coming from you, that isn't
shocking.
Ax - Oh, Je ne pas insane! C'est
crayzeee! Me not insane! Tu agreair, Marque???
Pause.
Marco - Oh? Me. Oh yes, tu ne pas
insane. *to Rachel* I have to do this all the time.
Cassie - I'ma done killing sumbodddy,
now I'ma kill another body!!!!!!!
Tobias - Hmmmhmhmhmhmhmhmmmm
...>
Jake - Slurp... Slurp...
Cassie started running towards Rachel
with the spade.
Rachel - Don't fight it, just don't
fight it. (#4!!!!!)
And there it goes, my VERY last fic!!!
Shouldn't there be some sort of ceremony? Anyway, tell me what you think,
it'll be the last time. And I won't even email you threatening your cat.
I'm done doing that! *sniff* R&R people!!!
