IF STAR WARS WAS A SOAP OPERA
**THE HAN/LEIA WHORE STORY***
Han and Leia sit in the apartment in Coruscant. Leia has called Han away from his drinking buddies to tell him something
LEIA: (crying), Han, I have something to tell you?
HAN: What is it, the love of my life, the apple of my eye, the object of my affection?
LEIA: Han, don't be angry, but . . .
HAN: I'm hanging off your everyword sugardarling!
LEIA: I'm sleeping with Luke!
HAN: freaky soap opera music So am I!
more freaky soap opera music as the whole cast gasps
**LADY LOOKS LIKE A DUDE (THE LUKE/MARA STORY)***
Luke and Mara, now newlyweds, sit together on the fourposter bed of their honeymoon suite
LUKE: I love you, Mara.
MARA: I love you most, Luke. (haunted look plays over her eyes). But there is something I must tell you first. Remember when I worked for the Emperor?
LUKE: Yes, quite well.
MARA: Well, there is something I haven't told you before freaky soap opera music I'm a man. cast gasps
***SOMETHING TOTALLY UNRELATED THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PLOTLESS STORY***
In a time machine, Darth Vader goes back to Earth's past and hires a guy to kill JFK
***HAN/LEIA/LUKE/MARA CONVERGE****
LEIA: I'm sorry I had to tell him, Luke.
HAN: I"m sorry I had to tell her, Luke.
MARA: It looks like everyone is getting a piece of his ass but me. Alas.
Anakin, Jacen, and Jaina enter the room with C-3P0 and R2-D2
JACEN: I had sex with R2-D2. everyone gasps
C-3P0: Rot in hell, you little bitch! The astromech droid is mine!
JAINA: I'm a lesbian pregnant with a Yuzhan Vong baby. everyone gasps
ANAKIN: I'm actually the one that killed Chewbacca! everyone looks exasperated
HAN: I know that, you dumbass! Now you must die!
LEIA: You can't kill Anakin, Han!
JACEN: Jaina's a lesbian! Ha, ha, ha!
R2-D2: BEEEPP!
C-3P0: R2-D2, you little whore!
MARA: I'm a lesbian too, Jaina. Want to have sex?
LUKE: Why can't they just kill me off and write me in the script later as a Jedi ghost when this stuff is all cleared up? I feel like vomiting.
JAINA: That reminds me. On top of being a lesbian and Yuzhan Vong whore, I'm also bulimic.
LEIA: My baby!
HAN: Come here, you little HE-bitch. Daddy, wants to talk to you a second, Annie.
ANAKIN: Not till you put Uncle Luke's lightsaber up!
LANDO: That is not necessary. Out of revenge for not being written a major part in any of the Star Wars books, stories, movies, etc. I am killing you all! Rwahhahahahahaha
NARATOR AS FREAKY SOAP OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES IN BACKROUND: Tune in next time to see what happens in the totally plotess IF STAR WARS WAS A SOAP OPERA.
**THE HAN/LEIA WHORE STORY***
Han and Leia sit in the apartment in Coruscant. Leia has called Han away from his drinking buddies to tell him something
LEIA: (crying), Han, I have something to tell you?
HAN: What is it, the love of my life, the apple of my eye, the object of my affection?
LEIA: Han, don't be angry, but . . .
HAN: I'm hanging off your everyword sugardarling!
LEIA: I'm sleeping with Luke!
HAN: freaky soap opera music So am I!
more freaky soap opera music as the whole cast gasps
**LADY LOOKS LIKE A DUDE (THE LUKE/MARA STORY)***
Luke and Mara, now newlyweds, sit together on the fourposter bed of their honeymoon suite
LUKE: I love you, Mara.
MARA: I love you most, Luke. (haunted look plays over her eyes). But there is something I must tell you first. Remember when I worked for the Emperor?
LUKE: Yes, quite well.
MARA: Well, there is something I haven't told you before freaky soap opera music I'm a man. cast gasps
***SOMETHING TOTALLY UNRELATED THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PLOTLESS STORY***
In a time machine, Darth Vader goes back to Earth's past and hires a guy to kill JFK
***HAN/LEIA/LUKE/MARA CONVERGE****
LEIA: I'm sorry I had to tell him, Luke.
HAN: I"m sorry I had to tell her, Luke.
MARA: It looks like everyone is getting a piece of his ass but me. Alas.
Anakin, Jacen, and Jaina enter the room with C-3P0 and R2-D2
JACEN: I had sex with R2-D2. everyone gasps
C-3P0: Rot in hell, you little bitch! The astromech droid is mine!
JAINA: I'm a lesbian pregnant with a Yuzhan Vong baby. everyone gasps
ANAKIN: I'm actually the one that killed Chewbacca! everyone looks exasperated
HAN: I know that, you dumbass! Now you must die!
LEIA: You can't kill Anakin, Han!
JACEN: Jaina's a lesbian! Ha, ha, ha!
R2-D2: BEEEPP!
C-3P0: R2-D2, you little whore!
MARA: I'm a lesbian too, Jaina. Want to have sex?
LUKE: Why can't they just kill me off and write me in the script later as a Jedi ghost when this stuff is all cleared up? I feel like vomiting.
JAINA: That reminds me. On top of being a lesbian and Yuzhan Vong whore, I'm also bulimic.
LEIA: My baby!
HAN: Come here, you little HE-bitch. Daddy, wants to talk to you a second, Annie.
ANAKIN: Not till you put Uncle Luke's lightsaber up!
LANDO: That is not necessary. Out of revenge for not being written a major part in any of the Star Wars books, stories, movies, etc. I am killing you all! Rwahhahahahahaha
NARATOR AS FREAKY SOAP OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES IN BACKROUND: Tune in next time to see what happens in the totally plotess IF STAR WARS WAS A SOAP OPERA.