A/N: the song "Your Eyes" does not belong to me. It's from a musical called 'Rent.' OK, now this story gets really confusing!
"So, you say that you have lost a lot in your life?"
"Yeah. What's your point?" Carter asked. He was sitting up in a chair.
"John, you need to listen to me. How often do you express your emotions? Your feelings?"
"What do you mean?" Carter asked.
"When you're angry. What do you do?"
"I get angry! This is going nowhere!" Carter stood up but the man made him sit down again.
"When you feel sorrow for your lost friends. What do you do then?"
"I don't know. I guess it depends..." Carter said, sitting down again.
"Well?"
"Look, Dr. Nobrains-"
"It's Dr. Allbright."
"No, it isn't. It's Nobrains," Carter said, "Anyway, this really isn't going to work-"
"John, tell me what you do to express your sorrow! Or when you wish to speak to your brother. Or your friend, Lucy, you speak so much of." Dr. Allbright said.
"Well..." Carter weighed his options, then realized. If he told the man what he did, would it be possible for the man to find out?
"Let me see... Violent activity, low performance average, mood swings... Do you, by chance, create your own character? How these people would react if they were still living? You are the type of person who seems to have an active imagination."
"No!" Carter shouted, "No!" though he remembered a conversation he had had weeks before with one of these imaginary characters.
"John, I believe that you have artificial creations that you speak to sometimes in your head. Do you feel guilt for their demise?"
"Guilt? Ha!" Carter laughed.
"Uh huh. Well, thank you, John, I think our time is up."
"Good! Now I can get out of here!" Carter swung on his coat and slammed the door. In the waiting room, he saw Abby. He gave her a nasty look and left. Dr. Allbright came out after Carter had left.
"Do you know what's happened?"
"Yes," Allbright said.
"What?" Abby wanted to know.
"He has a rare syndrome. Have you ever read the book 'Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide?'"
"Yeah, I think, back in college, why?"
"Well, I believe that Dr. Carter has a similar situation. He feels guilty for the people that have left his life. He feels responsible for their deaths. And to try to get them to forgive him, he creates a simulation where he may have a dialogue with this person. In his mind, sometimes they can be standing right there in front of him. If the blame on himself is great, than sometimes, the character he created that represents a lost friend will not forgive him at all. The greater the guilt, the more vicious the character. If this happens over a long period of time, the patient, in this case Dr. Carter, will feel that he actually *is* speaking with his lost friend. And the more often he speaks with this manifestation, the more powerful it becomes. In extreme cases, the imagination can over come the reason of the brain and soon, Dr. Carter is engulfed by the character he created. I believe that is what is happening in this case. The only problem now is, we have to find out who is haunting his mind."
"That's not hard," Abby said, "There's one death that's been heavy on all our consciences. Lucy Knight. But Lucy was never so violent!"
"Of course. The real person that the character portrays always has a different personality. The Lucy Dr. Carter's being haunted by has been created by his guilt and pain."
"How do we get the real Dr. Carter back?" Abby asked.
"There's the tricky part..." Allbright trailed off. Suddenly, the ending of Jekyll and Hide came swiftly to Abby's memory.
"No..." she said, "He doesn't have to... he won't... He's not going to kill himself, is he?"
"My dear Ms. Lockhart, that is a story created by an author. The only way to get the original Dr. Carter back is if he wins the battle."
"Battle? You said nothing about a battle before!" Abby said.
"Yes, battle. Carter and Lucy are both battling for control at the moment. In my office, I could have sworn I saw kindness in those cold eyes. Ms. Lockhart, Dr. Carter is fighting for his sanity."
"Isn't there any other way?"
"The only other way is if Lucy leaves voluntarily. But I doubt that is going to happen. This is a strong creation and stubborn too. Carter must have really been beating himself up about this death," all Abby could do was nod. No words could express better how right Allbright was.
The next night, she tried something she had never thought of before the discussion with Carter's psychiatrist that day. She sat down in a sofa and closed her eyes.
"Come on. I know I didn't know her well, but if Carter can do it, I can too," she whispered, "Lucy, come one, I know you're in there, come on, I need help that only you can provide..." suddenly, memories flooded her mind like a river. Valentine's Day, music, Lucy Knight, John Carter, both bleeding severely. But most of all, the terror in both their eyes. Carter's eyes were glazed with pain and concern as well. Lucy's, with sorrow and fear. Could she have known that she wasn't going to make it? Their eyes seemed so much clearer now than they had on Valentine's Day.
**Your eyes. As we said our good byes. Can't get them out of my mind and I find I can't hide from your eyes...** a voice sang in Abby's head. Abby opened her eyes again and before her was Lucy, clad in a white gown, blue eyes sparkling with happiness but... Was that worry?
"What are you singing?" Abby asked, as if speaking to someone real.
"A song. It means nothing now, don't worry," but she kept humming the tune. Abby asked Lucy a question.
"Lucy... Why are you hurting Carter?" Lucy did nothing but smile, "Answer me, Lucy!"
"I am not hurting Carter. Carter is hurting himself."
"What?"
"I'm not the real Lucy, just the one you want to see, to speak with."
"What?" Abby asked again.
"You know that, Abby. What's the real reason you called me here?"
"I... Wait, you know, don't you?"
"But I want you to tell me," Lucy was still smiling, warmly.
"I need help."
"Yes. What kind of help, Abby?" Lucy asked.
"The help only Lucy Knight can give. I don't know what to do. Is there any way I can help Carter that you would know of that the psychiatrist didn't?" Lucy just hummed her tune again.
"Lucy, I'm asking for your help, not a song! If you care for Carter, then-"
"Maybe the answer is in the song, Abby," Lucy began to sing again, "Where there's moonlight, I see your eyes," there was silence.
"Lucy..."
"Don't you even wonder how Carter's character came out so different than me?" Lucy finally asked. Abby thought.
"Because I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I don't blame myself like Carter does. But I am asking for your help. You aren't the source of my pain, you're the source of my..." Abby looked for the word.
"Hope?" Lucy finished.
"Yeah, I guess."
"Hope can be wonderful, unpredictable, and mysterious, Abby."
"Like you?" Abby asked.
"You have hope, don't you Abby? I'm your hope. And you have faith. You have faith in Carter. Hope is a wonderful thing that can cure the incurable sometimes, can't it, Abby?"
"Well, yeah, maybe..."
"Then give him hope," Lucy said, "But don't give it to the wrong side of him."
"What do you mean?"
"When I looked into your eyes..." Lucy's song trailed off.
"Wait! Lucy, come back!" Abby cried.
Abby awoke suddenly in the chair she had fallen asleep in. That was powerful. Yet it helped her little. Her Lucy was her source of hope, but she was very vague. What was Abby supposed to do? Suddenly possessed by a power she didn't know she had, she stood up, put on her coat, and drove to the hospital, determination flaring in her eyes. She was going to succeed. She had told herself that in the beginning and she was going to follow through!
She felt as if she was in an old western movie. Carter stood at the end of the hall, his back to her. But when he felt her presence, he turned around and glared at her, menacingly. Abby glared back, determination burning in her gaze like a fire refusing to die. Everyone knew something was about to happen, and fell silent, watching the two. They just stared at each other for a moment. All this scene needed was a tumbleweed to blow through the town. Abby felt as if one of them should say 'draw.' She took the first move. She took two steps closer to the man, her steps echoing in the still hallway on the floor. Clop, clop. Two simple sounds that seemed to challenge Carter, they seemed to taunt him, daring him to do something. His eyes flashed. He, too, took two steps towards Abby. Abby felt all eyes on her. She looked around and saw all her friends watching her, hoping for her. Kerry, Mark, Luka, Peter, Elizabeth, Jing-Mei... they were all looking at her. Even Romano seemed to be watching. Tons of eyes all aimed at her. Eyes. Lucy's song came back to her and came alive again in her head. Lucy's beautiful voice broke the silence.
"Your eyes. As we said our good byes. Can't get them out of my mind and I find I can't hide from your eyes..." Abby suddenly knew what she had to do and the song died down, allowing her to think clearer. She stared at Carter into his icy brown eyes, so cold and full of hatred. She took three more steps towards him. He took two more. She took four steps, he took one more. Soon, they were barely a centimeter apart. Close enough for them to whisper to each other and not be heard.
"What have you come for?" Carter whispered.
"You," Abby answered simply, "You, Dr. Carter, just you."
"Here I am."
"No, you're not here yet," Abby said. Carter's face kept the same expression. Abby searched his eyes, deeply, strongly, for any sign of the warm brown they used to be.
"You want him," Carter said, tonelessly.
"Yes," Abby replied. Their faces shared the same, serious expression, "Where is he, Lucy?"
"He's gone. And he isn't coming back. You are just going to have to accept it," he was looking straight into Abby's eyes and Abby didn't dare look away. She knew if she searched long enough, she'd find him. Somewhere in there, past the depression, past the anger, past the pain, she would find the real Carter. But Carter was the first one to look away. He turned his head and called to the others.
"What are you all standing around for? Come on! What are we, some sort of spectacle? Get back to work, you lazy bums!" no one dared contradict Carter anymore.
"You do have that air about you," Abby told him.
"What air?"
"I knew it from the beginning, there was something different, but familiar about you..." Abby ignored Carter's question so he repeated.
"What air?"
"Her air, Carter. There are somethings you added to that character you created that you didn't know you did. You have her perseverance; you have her confidence; you have her temper. You have the ability to scare Carter," Carter was taken aback by the last quality Abby mentioned.
"What do you mean 'the ability to scare?'"
"You scare him. In death just as you did in life."
"He wasn't afraid of me!"
"Yes, he was. He was afraid of falling in love with Lucy, the real Lucy. But now, he's afraid of you taking over. There are things you lack, as well. Lucy was thoughtful. Lucy was cheerful. All she wanted to do was help. All you want to do is hurt. So let me tell you this: You have no business being here. I think the only one who wants you to stay is yourself. So stay out of Carter's head and go back to wherever it is you came from!" Abby whispered, harshly. Carter just looked at her, blankly, but his eyes were alive again. With what? Could it be the real Carter? Then, he smiled.
"Hit me," he said. Abby was shocked, "Hit me!" without knowing what she was doing, she slapped Carter.
"Is that all you got?" He asked, recovering.
"Oh, would you like some punch with that?" she asked, and slugged him with her fist.
"Strong and witty. Wow, you're quite the lady!" Carter was sarcastic. And he annoyed her so that she decided to hit him again. By now, the whole ER was watching them again. Carter was soon against the wall, Abby threatening to throw another punch.
"Abby, get back!" Kerry screamed.
"No, it's alright," Carter smiled, and whispered so only Abby could hear, "You want to get rid of me that bad? You're going to have to kill me."
"NO!" And she hit him again, this time so hard he fell unconscious.
"Abby what on earth do you think you're doing?" Kerry demanded, running over. Suddenly, a gurney appeared out of nowhere, it seemed and Kerry lifted Carter up onto it. Kerry wheeled him away into an exam room nearby and Abby just stared, blankly after them, unsure of the power that had overwhelmed her when she had thrown that punch.
"So, you say that you have lost a lot in your life?"
"Yeah. What's your point?" Carter asked. He was sitting up in a chair.
"John, you need to listen to me. How often do you express your emotions? Your feelings?"
"What do you mean?" Carter asked.
"When you're angry. What do you do?"
"I get angry! This is going nowhere!" Carter stood up but the man made him sit down again.
"When you feel sorrow for your lost friends. What do you do then?"
"I don't know. I guess it depends..." Carter said, sitting down again.
"Well?"
"Look, Dr. Nobrains-"
"It's Dr. Allbright."
"No, it isn't. It's Nobrains," Carter said, "Anyway, this really isn't going to work-"
"John, tell me what you do to express your sorrow! Or when you wish to speak to your brother. Or your friend, Lucy, you speak so much of." Dr. Allbright said.
"Well..." Carter weighed his options, then realized. If he told the man what he did, would it be possible for the man to find out?
"Let me see... Violent activity, low performance average, mood swings... Do you, by chance, create your own character? How these people would react if they were still living? You are the type of person who seems to have an active imagination."
"No!" Carter shouted, "No!" though he remembered a conversation he had had weeks before with one of these imaginary characters.
"John, I believe that you have artificial creations that you speak to sometimes in your head. Do you feel guilt for their demise?"
"Guilt? Ha!" Carter laughed.
"Uh huh. Well, thank you, John, I think our time is up."
"Good! Now I can get out of here!" Carter swung on his coat and slammed the door. In the waiting room, he saw Abby. He gave her a nasty look and left. Dr. Allbright came out after Carter had left.
"Do you know what's happened?"
"Yes," Allbright said.
"What?" Abby wanted to know.
"He has a rare syndrome. Have you ever read the book 'Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide?'"
"Yeah, I think, back in college, why?"
"Well, I believe that Dr. Carter has a similar situation. He feels guilty for the people that have left his life. He feels responsible for their deaths. And to try to get them to forgive him, he creates a simulation where he may have a dialogue with this person. In his mind, sometimes they can be standing right there in front of him. If the blame on himself is great, than sometimes, the character he created that represents a lost friend will not forgive him at all. The greater the guilt, the more vicious the character. If this happens over a long period of time, the patient, in this case Dr. Carter, will feel that he actually *is* speaking with his lost friend. And the more often he speaks with this manifestation, the more powerful it becomes. In extreme cases, the imagination can over come the reason of the brain and soon, Dr. Carter is engulfed by the character he created. I believe that is what is happening in this case. The only problem now is, we have to find out who is haunting his mind."
"That's not hard," Abby said, "There's one death that's been heavy on all our consciences. Lucy Knight. But Lucy was never so violent!"
"Of course. The real person that the character portrays always has a different personality. The Lucy Dr. Carter's being haunted by has been created by his guilt and pain."
"How do we get the real Dr. Carter back?" Abby asked.
"There's the tricky part..." Allbright trailed off. Suddenly, the ending of Jekyll and Hide came swiftly to Abby's memory.
"No..." she said, "He doesn't have to... he won't... He's not going to kill himself, is he?"
"My dear Ms. Lockhart, that is a story created by an author. The only way to get the original Dr. Carter back is if he wins the battle."
"Battle? You said nothing about a battle before!" Abby said.
"Yes, battle. Carter and Lucy are both battling for control at the moment. In my office, I could have sworn I saw kindness in those cold eyes. Ms. Lockhart, Dr. Carter is fighting for his sanity."
"Isn't there any other way?"
"The only other way is if Lucy leaves voluntarily. But I doubt that is going to happen. This is a strong creation and stubborn too. Carter must have really been beating himself up about this death," all Abby could do was nod. No words could express better how right Allbright was.
The next night, she tried something she had never thought of before the discussion with Carter's psychiatrist that day. She sat down in a sofa and closed her eyes.
"Come on. I know I didn't know her well, but if Carter can do it, I can too," she whispered, "Lucy, come one, I know you're in there, come on, I need help that only you can provide..." suddenly, memories flooded her mind like a river. Valentine's Day, music, Lucy Knight, John Carter, both bleeding severely. But most of all, the terror in both their eyes. Carter's eyes were glazed with pain and concern as well. Lucy's, with sorrow and fear. Could she have known that she wasn't going to make it? Their eyes seemed so much clearer now than they had on Valentine's Day.
**Your eyes. As we said our good byes. Can't get them out of my mind and I find I can't hide from your eyes...** a voice sang in Abby's head. Abby opened her eyes again and before her was Lucy, clad in a white gown, blue eyes sparkling with happiness but... Was that worry?
"What are you singing?" Abby asked, as if speaking to someone real.
"A song. It means nothing now, don't worry," but she kept humming the tune. Abby asked Lucy a question.
"Lucy... Why are you hurting Carter?" Lucy did nothing but smile, "Answer me, Lucy!"
"I am not hurting Carter. Carter is hurting himself."
"What?"
"I'm not the real Lucy, just the one you want to see, to speak with."
"What?" Abby asked again.
"You know that, Abby. What's the real reason you called me here?"
"I... Wait, you know, don't you?"
"But I want you to tell me," Lucy was still smiling, warmly.
"I need help."
"Yes. What kind of help, Abby?" Lucy asked.
"The help only Lucy Knight can give. I don't know what to do. Is there any way I can help Carter that you would know of that the psychiatrist didn't?" Lucy just hummed her tune again.
"Lucy, I'm asking for your help, not a song! If you care for Carter, then-"
"Maybe the answer is in the song, Abby," Lucy began to sing again, "Where there's moonlight, I see your eyes," there was silence.
"Lucy..."
"Don't you even wonder how Carter's character came out so different than me?" Lucy finally asked. Abby thought.
"Because I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I don't blame myself like Carter does. But I am asking for your help. You aren't the source of my pain, you're the source of my..." Abby looked for the word.
"Hope?" Lucy finished.
"Yeah, I guess."
"Hope can be wonderful, unpredictable, and mysterious, Abby."
"Like you?" Abby asked.
"You have hope, don't you Abby? I'm your hope. And you have faith. You have faith in Carter. Hope is a wonderful thing that can cure the incurable sometimes, can't it, Abby?"
"Well, yeah, maybe..."
"Then give him hope," Lucy said, "But don't give it to the wrong side of him."
"What do you mean?"
"When I looked into your eyes..." Lucy's song trailed off.
"Wait! Lucy, come back!" Abby cried.
Abby awoke suddenly in the chair she had fallen asleep in. That was powerful. Yet it helped her little. Her Lucy was her source of hope, but she was very vague. What was Abby supposed to do? Suddenly possessed by a power she didn't know she had, she stood up, put on her coat, and drove to the hospital, determination flaring in her eyes. She was going to succeed. She had told herself that in the beginning and she was going to follow through!
She felt as if she was in an old western movie. Carter stood at the end of the hall, his back to her. But when he felt her presence, he turned around and glared at her, menacingly. Abby glared back, determination burning in her gaze like a fire refusing to die. Everyone knew something was about to happen, and fell silent, watching the two. They just stared at each other for a moment. All this scene needed was a tumbleweed to blow through the town. Abby felt as if one of them should say 'draw.' She took the first move. She took two steps closer to the man, her steps echoing in the still hallway on the floor. Clop, clop. Two simple sounds that seemed to challenge Carter, they seemed to taunt him, daring him to do something. His eyes flashed. He, too, took two steps towards Abby. Abby felt all eyes on her. She looked around and saw all her friends watching her, hoping for her. Kerry, Mark, Luka, Peter, Elizabeth, Jing-Mei... they were all looking at her. Even Romano seemed to be watching. Tons of eyes all aimed at her. Eyes. Lucy's song came back to her and came alive again in her head. Lucy's beautiful voice broke the silence.
"Your eyes. As we said our good byes. Can't get them out of my mind and I find I can't hide from your eyes..." Abby suddenly knew what she had to do and the song died down, allowing her to think clearer. She stared at Carter into his icy brown eyes, so cold and full of hatred. She took three more steps towards him. He took two more. She took four steps, he took one more. Soon, they were barely a centimeter apart. Close enough for them to whisper to each other and not be heard.
"What have you come for?" Carter whispered.
"You," Abby answered simply, "You, Dr. Carter, just you."
"Here I am."
"No, you're not here yet," Abby said. Carter's face kept the same expression. Abby searched his eyes, deeply, strongly, for any sign of the warm brown they used to be.
"You want him," Carter said, tonelessly.
"Yes," Abby replied. Their faces shared the same, serious expression, "Where is he, Lucy?"
"He's gone. And he isn't coming back. You are just going to have to accept it," he was looking straight into Abby's eyes and Abby didn't dare look away. She knew if she searched long enough, she'd find him. Somewhere in there, past the depression, past the anger, past the pain, she would find the real Carter. But Carter was the first one to look away. He turned his head and called to the others.
"What are you all standing around for? Come on! What are we, some sort of spectacle? Get back to work, you lazy bums!" no one dared contradict Carter anymore.
"You do have that air about you," Abby told him.
"What air?"
"I knew it from the beginning, there was something different, but familiar about you..." Abby ignored Carter's question so he repeated.
"What air?"
"Her air, Carter. There are somethings you added to that character you created that you didn't know you did. You have her perseverance; you have her confidence; you have her temper. You have the ability to scare Carter," Carter was taken aback by the last quality Abby mentioned.
"What do you mean 'the ability to scare?'"
"You scare him. In death just as you did in life."
"He wasn't afraid of me!"
"Yes, he was. He was afraid of falling in love with Lucy, the real Lucy. But now, he's afraid of you taking over. There are things you lack, as well. Lucy was thoughtful. Lucy was cheerful. All she wanted to do was help. All you want to do is hurt. So let me tell you this: You have no business being here. I think the only one who wants you to stay is yourself. So stay out of Carter's head and go back to wherever it is you came from!" Abby whispered, harshly. Carter just looked at her, blankly, but his eyes were alive again. With what? Could it be the real Carter? Then, he smiled.
"Hit me," he said. Abby was shocked, "Hit me!" without knowing what she was doing, she slapped Carter.
"Is that all you got?" He asked, recovering.
"Oh, would you like some punch with that?" she asked, and slugged him with her fist.
"Strong and witty. Wow, you're quite the lady!" Carter was sarcastic. And he annoyed her so that she decided to hit him again. By now, the whole ER was watching them again. Carter was soon against the wall, Abby threatening to throw another punch.
"Abby, get back!" Kerry screamed.
"No, it's alright," Carter smiled, and whispered so only Abby could hear, "You want to get rid of me that bad? You're going to have to kill me."
"NO!" And she hit him again, this time so hard he fell unconscious.
"Abby what on earth do you think you're doing?" Kerry demanded, running over. Suddenly, a gurney appeared out of nowhere, it seemed and Kerry lifted Carter up onto it. Kerry wheeled him away into an exam room nearby and Abby just stared, blankly after them, unsure of the power that had overwhelmed her when she had thrown that punch.