Title: Smoke Crack
A
Parody on "Wear Sunscreen"
Author:
Alexa Thain
Disclaimer:
this is completely non-serious. I do
not abuse drugs, this is pure humor. My
apologies to the respectful owners of everything mentioned. Baz Luhrman owns the original song and the guy
who wrote his original text (that he apparently stole) owns the original
content and concept.
Author's
Note: Don't forget: IT'S NOT SERIOUS!
Thank you.
Attention
Graduating class of 2001. Smoke
Crack. If I could offer you only one
tip for the future, crack would be it. The long term benefits of crack
has been scientifically proven; the rest can only be told from my own
meandering experience. I will dispense
this advice... now.
If you
order chicken at a Chinese restaurant and it doesn't taste like chicken; it
probably isn't chicken. Oh, it may LOOK
like chicken, but so does a wide variety of "exotic" animals.
Attention
white people: do not get
dreadlocks. It isn't meant to be. Only the most adeptly fashionably equipped
can pull it off; everyone else looks stupid… yes, I mean you!
There is no
such thing as a size 0. It is all a
ploy of the fashion industry to make size 2's feel even skinnier; hence
inspiring them to STOP STARVING THEMSELVES.
Thank you to the waifs for making all of us 12's who are now "10's" feel
better, though.
Wonderbra:
ain't nothin' wrong with that!
If you're
an American, and you go to a foreign country; do not stand around in random
places talking at the top of your lungs in whatever strong American accent you
may have. Yes, you do sound
ignorant. Do you hear people from other
countries (excluding Japanese tourists and Mexicans) speaking in *their* mother
tounge at the top of their lungs?
No. Foreigners don't swim in
your toilet, don't pee in their pool.
Ladies:
99.9% of the clothing you wear will prompt men to sexually objectify you. Pick and chose the men around whom you promenade.
Drivers:
Turn off your brights. We are being
blinded by your stupidy.
That tan
you love so much IS going to give you wrinkles. You WILL look 60 when you're thirty. And you laugh at the pale people…
If you
can't sing, can't especially dance, enjoy excessive plastic surgery, but are a
size 0 (cough), are blond, and sufficient cute and cheap; you could be a
popstar! Just look at Britney Spears.
Make fun of
President Bush... it's FUN!
Maybe
you'll be lonely, maybe you won't; maybe you'll get laid, maybe you won't.
Some of
these things may not apply to you. Some
of these things you may be to stupid to comprehend. But whatever you do, trust me on the crack.
