I will look you in the Eye
Name: Ohimesama
Date: 6/30/01
Summary: Shinji Ikari confronts Asuka Langley Sorhyu after the Third Impact, when all are gone.
Disclaimer: Ohimesama has not, does not, will not ever own the characters of Neon Genesis Evangelion or the song In The Eye by Suzanne Vega.
Note: Baka means 'idiot' or 'stupid'.
I will look you in the eye
"I feel sick." She murmured, looking away.
He released her, his hands falling away from her slender neck, and cried. His hot tears fell on her face, and she glanced up.
"This is the end, isn't it?" She ran a hand over the white bandages on her other arm, and he was struck by a memory—a bandage on the pale skin of another girl.
"Ayanami Rei." He whispered, mentally comparing her to the girl beneath him. Why were they so similar now—now that Rei was gone (dead or worse, who knew?) and the girl beneath him was the only other survivor besides himself?
"Why did you say her name?" the girl asked, rubbing her neck unconsciously. He saw her motions, and felt ashamed.
"She sacrificed herself so that we could live."
"We were her children." The girl looked around, noticing their dead surroundings for the first time. One finger traced a red welt on the white skin of her neck, and she looked up.
"You did this to me?" she asked quietly.
He remembered the feel of her neck under his hands, the release of his anger and hate as he squeezed the life out of her and nodded.
"You hate me." She stated, and tried not to cry. When he did not answer, she said, "Very well," and moved out from under him.
"Asuka—"
"Be quiet." She snapped, the anger within her coming out now, as the remnants of his faded, and died away. "You were strangling me."
"Yes." He refused to lie.
"So you hate me."
Asuka's logic, though flawed, was said in a way that made it difficult for him to answer. So he didn't and she wept alone. He stood, listening to her sobs, and wished he knew what to do. His mind, battered after starting and then aborting the Third Impact, was unable to cope with Asuka's female reasoning. When she had swallowed the last sobs, he shifted his weight, ready to try and speak with her. Before he could move, though, she launched at him, hitting him square in the chest. They fell together to the sand, kneeling, her hands wrapped around his neck. He looked away.
"A weakling to the end." Asuka whispered. "I shall kill you now. You hate me, and I can't let you live knowing that."
"I don't…hate you…" he struggled to say.
"Shut up!" Asuka's grip tightened, as she wept again. Her cold tears, so unlike his, ran down his cheeks, over her knuckles, and pooled in the hollow of his throat.
"You'll be alone…" he said, and she cried harder.
"I can't let you live." She replied through her tears. "Shinji Ikari." She spat his name, a bitter taste in her mouth.
Shinji looked up, his eyes meeting hers, and Asuka flinched. She didn't see the accusations, the hate, or the anger she expected; instead, forgiving and something unreadable glowed in his eyes, warm and so very alive.
--
If you were to kill me now
Right here I would still
Look you in the eye
--
"Stop, stop!" Asuka tried to tear her gaze from his, but he held onto her, still staring into her blue orbs. "Don't look at me."
"I can't stop." Shinji said softly, drinking in her face.
A slow blush spread across her cheeks, chipping away at the anger inside. She turned her head slightly, and a sudden pain shot through her neck. Memories of her mother's death cracked in her mind, and her anger flared up once more.
"Die." She whispered.
--
And I would burn myself
Into your memory
As long as you were still alive
--
"You'll…be…alone…" he repeated, gasping through her deathgrip.
"I will forget you, and then I won't feel alone."
"You won't be able to forget me." Shinji smiled slightly. "Until the day you die."
"I will…I will…" she snarled. "Weakling."
"I am not weak." His voice seemed stronger now, despite the strength of her grip. "I'm letting you kill me, aren't I?"
"Letting me…" Asuka's lovely face distorted in anger. "You are letting me?!"
"Yes."
--
I would live inside of you
I'd make you wear me like a scar
--
"You'd never forget…" he winced, and arched his neck under her hands. "You'd…you'd remember me…always."
"No."
"Always." Shinji promised.
--
And I would burn myself
Into your memory
And run through everything you are
--
"You won't be able to forget, Asuka, I'll be with you, alive in your memory. You'd see me every day…" His words were choked off.
"Liar, liar." Asuka hissed. "Baka, you don't know anything."
"I know what happened to your mother, I know how I am the same as she in your eyes."
"Liar, liar." She repeated, but her voice lacked conviction. Her grip loosened.
He said nothing, just waited.
Asuka removed her hands, leaning back, her eyes half closed.
"Well?" She asked mockingly. He didn't move. "Aren't you going to run away like always, you baka?"
Shinji smiled.
--
I would not run
I would not turn
I would not hide
--
She waited impatiently. "You always run away, like a weakling. You run from your problems, you hide from the truth. Aren't you going to try and escape me?"
"I won't leave." Shinji said calmly.
"You will!" her voice rose. "You will leave me, just like everyone else!"
"No."
--
I would not run
I would not turn
I would not hide
--
"You will leave me. I can't let that happen." Asuka insisted. "So I have to kill you."
"Okay."
Her hands fastened around his neck again. He offered no resistance.
"Fight me."
"Why?" Shinji questioned, forcing her to look at him.
"I want to know that I won. Then I'll forget you, like I forgot Mama until that Angel reminded me, and I'll be okay, I'll be okay." Her tears had returned, running in paths down the curve of her cheeks, and landing on his skin.
--
I would live inside of you
I'd make you wear me like a scar
And I would burn myself
Into your memory
And run through everything you are
--
"You would never forget." He said stubbornly, showing a bit of that determined nerve that blazed in his body when he fought. His eyes flashed.
"Yes, I would."
"No. The memory of me would live forever, and you would know, over and over, how you killed the last other human, and why you are alone."
"NO!" The concept of that loneliness, of that guilt and regret, frightened Asuka more than she would have thought possible.
"Look me in the eye, Asuka, and then kill me." He raised his hands, gently cupping her face, and made her look down at him.
--
If you were to kill me now
Right here I would still
Look you in the eye
And I would burn myself
Into your memory
As long as you were still alive
--
"I can't…" her grip loosened again, and he breathed in gratefully.
"Why not?"
"I don't know." Asuka lied. She knew, but how could she explain that strange, compelling look in his eyes—warm and benevolent, and so innocent? He couldn't see his own eyes, how they glowed with an inner fire. As long as he looked at her, she couldn't hurt him.
"Yes you do." His voice reminded her of a teacher or a parent, gentle but firm.
"I…I don't want to be alone." That was true, yes—all she wanted was to be with someone…with him.
"I know."
"Why don't you hate me?" Her hands fell to his chest, clutching at the fabric of his shirt.
"How could I?"
"No one could love me…I'm so mean…always mocking you, always making fun of you…just because I knew that you were better than me." She whispered.
"I'm only better than you because I was meant to start the Third Impact." He paused, stroking her hair unconsciously. "You are not as unlovable as you think." She whimpered against his palm. "You also aren't as aloof as you think. I knew how you acted superior, perfect, confident, just to hide how you really felt. You were lying to me, Asuka, but I still saw the truth."
"Why did you change? You were never this strong." She felt the answer would be important—something had happened to Shinji, and she wanted to know what.
That faint smile played around his mouth again. "I killed all of mankind, nearly destroyed the world…there isn't much I'm afraid of now."
"Oh." Asuka rested her head against his shoulder. His arms tightened around her, and he laid his cheek on her head, running a red lock through his fingers. She closed her eyes, trying to remember when she had broken away from his hypnotic eyes—and when those ordinary brown eyes had gotten to be so powerful. Shinji had changed, but it was a change he had been making for all the time she'd known him, not something sudden. The weak exterior had simply finally fallen to the strength he hid within.
"You are lovable." He said randomly, interrupting her thoughts.
"I am?" Asuka wanted to believe him.
"Yes."
"Prove it." she challenged.
He placed two fingers under her chin and lifted her head. She felt like she was drowning in his eyes. Asuka closed her eyelids, enjoying the feather-light brush of her lashes on her cheek. And then his lips were on hers, and all her sadness seemed to vanish at his touch. His kiss was nothing like the one they'd shared, "to kill time", as she'd said then. It was slow and gentle, and was all the proof she needed. Her arms locked around his neck, no longer strangling, but instead embracing, her fingers caressing his hair rather than choking out his life.
"Do you love me?"
Shinji smiled again, and she saw yet another change. His smile had grown from a tentative thing to a confident and trusting gesture. "Yes." One simple word that turned her world upside down, filling her with happiness.
"And you won't leave me?"
"Never." He promised, and bent to kiss her again.
She pulled away slightly, angling her head downward so that he couldn't steal her lips again. "How will I know that you aren't lying?"
He smiled affectionately, and turned her face upwards again. His eyes glowed with love, and Asuka knew the answer before he spoke. "Look me in the eye."
She smiled back, reassured. If the warmth in his eyes disappeared, then she would know. "I'll look you in the eye," she agreed.
Shinji laughed, a low, comforting sound, and Asuka knew she'd never be alone again.
--
I would not run
I would not turn
I would not hide
In the eye
In the eye
Look me in the eye
--
Adam had won Eve's love with his own trust in her. And so, the second Adam and Eve repopulated the Earth, healing the wounds caused by their mistakes, with their combined love.