CHAPTER TWO: THE US SENATE
AN: ** means italics. Yes, very good my young Padawan learner.
The saga continues . . .
The Duchess of Gayness and Flutternut ran across the street to their good firend Chrisbacca's house. Chrisbacca stood outside his home with Han Homo, making repairs to their dilipadated mode of transportation, the ugly ass mult-colored oldmobile called the *Lesbian Falcon*.
" What is it, Flutternut?" Han Homo asked. " Has your mother been eating rat poison again?"
" No, Homo," Flutternut said. " It is much worse than that. We must immediately go to the United States Senate."
" I don't understand," Han Homo said, blinking his eyes rapidly. Chrisbacca threw back his head and roared in agreement.
" There's no time to explain!" Flutternut shouted in a panic. " Get the *Lesbian Falcon* started now."
Seeing their friends horror, they scurried to her orders. The Duchess of Gayness lingered into the backround, watching the crazed scene with her inbred eyes (j/k, jessi, you know i love you . . . no, you sick fools not that way).
They all piled up into the *Lesbian Falcon* and began to put down the street when a sudden crazed manaic threw themselves in front of the car. Han Homo and his co-pilot, Chrisbacca, slammed on the brakes in startlement. The manaic suddenly resurfaced.
" I am okay," they said in a slurred manner. "Everything is all-ight."
" Oh God!" Han Homo exclaimed in horror. " It is a drunken fool from the ghetto."
" Wasup, homie g-dogg?" the Drunken Fool said.
" We have no time to argue with this Drunken Fool," Flutternut said. " Throw them in the back and let's get a move on!"
Chrisbacca picked up the Drunken Fool and to Flutternut's request put her in the back seat of the oldsmobile wagon. It was time to haul ass fast to the US Senate.
*In front of Flutternut, stood Luke Skywalker, holding his green lightsaber and laughing maliciously. On his shoulder, perched a seagull with an evil glint in his eye. Fear spursed through the young girl as she trembeled in the evil Jedi Master's prescence (damn, I'm good).
" What do you want from me?" Flutternut demanded, her miliscule voice echoing thousands of time in the dark vacuum of space. " The dark vacuum of space?" Flutternut wandered out loud. " How is that possible? The coldness of deep space should have already caused our bones to become brittle and our bodies to collapse out of existence."
Luke Skywalker. " We're hot damn Jedi, fool," he said simply in reply.
" Ah . . .," Flutternut said, realization dawning on her sexy features (yes, I'm single if interested).
" A great battle is about to take place," Luke Skywalker said. " You and I will fight to the death unless you anull your crusade to stop my league of invincable seagulls."
" Never!" Flutternut cried out fiercely. " I will do what is best for the people!"
" I'll sleep with you," SKywalker offered.
Flutternut thought for a second. " No, not even that will work on me!" she cried. " If we must fight to the death, then so be it! I'd rather die than see our world reigned upon by a evil, kaniving Jedi and his seagulls!*-----
" What are you talking about?" Han Homo said, who was standing above Flutternut. Flutternut opened her eyes, realizing that her confrontation with Skywalker had been a dream.
Or had it been? The Jedi worked in odd ways sometimes . . . Flutternut knew this to be true from her own experience.
" What is it, Han?" she asked.
" We are at the Senate in Washington D.C., like you wanted," he said. " And Drunken Fool has vomited all over the backseat."
" Damn, and I just thought Skywalker was smelly," Flutternut said outloud, voicing one of her many stupid opinions. Han Homo decided to ignore it.
" Well . . .," Flutternut said, "to the Senate building, to fight for the freedom of the human race from the clutches of Skywalker and his seagulls!"
" Drunken Fool is passed out . . . should I just leave her in the Lesbian Falcon?"
" Yes, good idea," Flutternut agreed. " To the Senate Building we go!"
The friends banded together as they walked up the stairs of the Senate Building. They were greeted by a dumbass secretary intern (I think we all know how that goes so no further details needed).
" May I help you?" she asked, widening her eyes so she looked like a mongoose in heat (I'm not sure what that looks like, but to the story my friend).
" We need to talk to the senate!" Flutternut said grandly. " This is a life or death issue!"
" Sweet mother of gentle jesus!" she exclaimed. " I'll get you to Senator Fatass's office as soon as possible."
IN SENATOR FATASS'S OFFICE
Senator Fatass sat with the back of the chair to Flutternut and their friends, who stood stoically for their beliefs in Skywalker and the seagulls (except the Duchess of Gayness of course who thought they all were lifeless morons).
" What is this I hear of a life and death issue?" he asked in a chilling voice.
" Um, well, Senator Fatass," Flutternut began, gulping down her shyness. " I've just discovered that the world is going to end in three months."
Senator Fatass slowly pivoted in his chair. The group screamed at his obesity and shielded their eyes. He was a Hutt just like Jabba!
" What the hell!" shouted the Duchess of Gayness.
" And how have you come to the conclusion that the world is going to end," Senator Fatass asked, clasping his disporportional hands together.
" Well, Senator Fatass," Flutternut said, "I know that Luke Skywalker lives on the moon and is currently controlling the world's population of seagulls." She paused for dramatic effect, looking straight into the ugly hutt's eyes. " And in three months, he's going to order them to distinguish the human race!"
The room was silent with Flutternut's revelation. But soon the walls shook with a rumble.
" Hoo-hoo-hoo," Senator Fatass laughed. Oh, how he laughed, his great obesity shaking with every guffaw. Everyone was transfigured by the great bowls of fat's jello-like characteristic- they found that they could barely concentrated on nothing else! " This is the biggest piece of shit I have ever heard of! Star Wars does not exist, you lifeless morons! Get out of my office, fools!"
" Um, wait a second," said the Duchess of Gayness, holding up a hand. Everyone turned to look at her. " Um, yeah, I was just thinking, Senator Fatass, if the Star Wars universe really doesn't exist . . . "
Flutternut shook her head and interrupted her friend. " Senator Fatass, if you don't help us, then I suggest a vote of no confidence!" Her friends, besides the mystified Duchess of Gayness who was trying to figure out the logistics of what was happening around her, nodded and shouted out there agreement.
" You dumbass!" Senator Fatass roared. " There is no such thing as a vote of confidence!"
Everyone was silent as they tried to think in their small brain pools of what to do next.
" Corruption has taken over the Senate," Flutternut said, her eyes holding a certain malaise that only the incredibly stupid pocess. " We will fight for the independence of Michigan so that we can fight off the greatest threat to human society in history!"
" You will not win, fools," Senator Fatass replied. " That is possibly the dumbest dumbass thing I've ever heard!"
" We've got to get back to the Lesbian Falcon," Flutternut said. " It's time to haul ass."
AN: ** means italics. Yes, very good my young Padawan learner.
The saga continues . . .
The Duchess of Gayness and Flutternut ran across the street to their good firend Chrisbacca's house. Chrisbacca stood outside his home with Han Homo, making repairs to their dilipadated mode of transportation, the ugly ass mult-colored oldmobile called the *Lesbian Falcon*.
" What is it, Flutternut?" Han Homo asked. " Has your mother been eating rat poison again?"
" No, Homo," Flutternut said. " It is much worse than that. We must immediately go to the United States Senate."
" I don't understand," Han Homo said, blinking his eyes rapidly. Chrisbacca threw back his head and roared in agreement.
" There's no time to explain!" Flutternut shouted in a panic. " Get the *Lesbian Falcon* started now."
Seeing their friends horror, they scurried to her orders. The Duchess of Gayness lingered into the backround, watching the crazed scene with her inbred eyes (j/k, jessi, you know i love you . . . no, you sick fools not that way).
They all piled up into the *Lesbian Falcon* and began to put down the street when a sudden crazed manaic threw themselves in front of the car. Han Homo and his co-pilot, Chrisbacca, slammed on the brakes in startlement. The manaic suddenly resurfaced.
" I am okay," they said in a slurred manner. "Everything is all-ight."
" Oh God!" Han Homo exclaimed in horror. " It is a drunken fool from the ghetto."
" Wasup, homie g-dogg?" the Drunken Fool said.
" We have no time to argue with this Drunken Fool," Flutternut said. " Throw them in the back and let's get a move on!"
Chrisbacca picked up the Drunken Fool and to Flutternut's request put her in the back seat of the oldsmobile wagon. It was time to haul ass fast to the US Senate.
*In front of Flutternut, stood Luke Skywalker, holding his green lightsaber and laughing maliciously. On his shoulder, perched a seagull with an evil glint in his eye. Fear spursed through the young girl as she trembeled in the evil Jedi Master's prescence (damn, I'm good).
" What do you want from me?" Flutternut demanded, her miliscule voice echoing thousands of time in the dark vacuum of space. " The dark vacuum of space?" Flutternut wandered out loud. " How is that possible? The coldness of deep space should have already caused our bones to become brittle and our bodies to collapse out of existence."
Luke Skywalker. " We're hot damn Jedi, fool," he said simply in reply.
" Ah . . .," Flutternut said, realization dawning on her sexy features (yes, I'm single if interested).
" A great battle is about to take place," Luke Skywalker said. " You and I will fight to the death unless you anull your crusade to stop my league of invincable seagulls."
" Never!" Flutternut cried out fiercely. " I will do what is best for the people!"
" I'll sleep with you," SKywalker offered.
Flutternut thought for a second. " No, not even that will work on me!" she cried. " If we must fight to the death, then so be it! I'd rather die than see our world reigned upon by a evil, kaniving Jedi and his seagulls!*-----
" What are you talking about?" Han Homo said, who was standing above Flutternut. Flutternut opened her eyes, realizing that her confrontation with Skywalker had been a dream.
Or had it been? The Jedi worked in odd ways sometimes . . . Flutternut knew this to be true from her own experience.
" What is it, Han?" she asked.
" We are at the Senate in Washington D.C., like you wanted," he said. " And Drunken Fool has vomited all over the backseat."
" Damn, and I just thought Skywalker was smelly," Flutternut said outloud, voicing one of her many stupid opinions. Han Homo decided to ignore it.
" Well . . .," Flutternut said, "to the Senate building, to fight for the freedom of the human race from the clutches of Skywalker and his seagulls!"
" Drunken Fool is passed out . . . should I just leave her in the Lesbian Falcon?"
" Yes, good idea," Flutternut agreed. " To the Senate Building we go!"
The friends banded together as they walked up the stairs of the Senate Building. They were greeted by a dumbass secretary intern (I think we all know how that goes so no further details needed).
" May I help you?" she asked, widening her eyes so she looked like a mongoose in heat (I'm not sure what that looks like, but to the story my friend).
" We need to talk to the senate!" Flutternut said grandly. " This is a life or death issue!"
" Sweet mother of gentle jesus!" she exclaimed. " I'll get you to Senator Fatass's office as soon as possible."
IN SENATOR FATASS'S OFFICE
Senator Fatass sat with the back of the chair to Flutternut and their friends, who stood stoically for their beliefs in Skywalker and the seagulls (except the Duchess of Gayness of course who thought they all were lifeless morons).
" What is this I hear of a life and death issue?" he asked in a chilling voice.
" Um, well, Senator Fatass," Flutternut began, gulping down her shyness. " I've just discovered that the world is going to end in three months."
Senator Fatass slowly pivoted in his chair. The group screamed at his obesity and shielded their eyes. He was a Hutt just like Jabba!
" What the hell!" shouted the Duchess of Gayness.
" And how have you come to the conclusion that the world is going to end," Senator Fatass asked, clasping his disporportional hands together.
" Well, Senator Fatass," Flutternut said, "I know that Luke Skywalker lives on the moon and is currently controlling the world's population of seagulls." She paused for dramatic effect, looking straight into the ugly hutt's eyes. " And in three months, he's going to order them to distinguish the human race!"
The room was silent with Flutternut's revelation. But soon the walls shook with a rumble.
" Hoo-hoo-hoo," Senator Fatass laughed. Oh, how he laughed, his great obesity shaking with every guffaw. Everyone was transfigured by the great bowls of fat's jello-like characteristic- they found that they could barely concentrated on nothing else! " This is the biggest piece of shit I have ever heard of! Star Wars does not exist, you lifeless morons! Get out of my office, fools!"
" Um, wait a second," said the Duchess of Gayness, holding up a hand. Everyone turned to look at her. " Um, yeah, I was just thinking, Senator Fatass, if the Star Wars universe really doesn't exist . . . "
Flutternut shook her head and interrupted her friend. " Senator Fatass, if you don't help us, then I suggest a vote of no confidence!" Her friends, besides the mystified Duchess of Gayness who was trying to figure out the logistics of what was happening around her, nodded and shouted out there agreement.
" You dumbass!" Senator Fatass roared. " There is no such thing as a vote of confidence!"
Everyone was silent as they tried to think in their small brain pools of what to do next.
" Corruption has taken over the Senate," Flutternut said, her eyes holding a certain malaise that only the incredibly stupid pocess. " We will fight for the independence of Michigan so that we can fight off the greatest threat to human society in history!"
" You will not win, fools," Senator Fatass replied. " That is possibly the dumbest dumbass thing I've ever heard!"
" We've got to get back to the Lesbian Falcon," Flutternut said. " It's time to haul ass."