The night of the talent show, Selphie's Garden Festival Committee decorated the stage in Balamb Garden's school colors. The lighting was tasteful, the grounds were clean enough to eat off of, and there was an adequate supply of buckets for drunken students to vomit into. Squall would have congratulated Selphie on her work, had he given a flying fuck.

The judges-Cid, Edea, and Xu-were sitting at the tables in front of the stage. Squall peeked through the gap between the wall and the curtain, and was glad that he had been characterized without any emotion. Otherwise, the sight of the entire Garden population waiting to see some damn good talent might have forced him to wet his pants, like Zell just had for the third time.

Selphie, who was acting as announcer, ran out onto stage and waved perkily to everyone. The entire audience sighed "Awwwwww…!" as a collective.

"Hi!" Selphie giggled and then lowered the microphone down to her level. "Hi, everybody! Welcome to Balamb Garden's first Talent Spectacular! We have a whole buncha spiffykeen performers tonight, so let's hear a big round of applause for them all for being brave or pussy-whipped enough to perform tonight!"

The crowd responded with a unified, "BOOYAKA!"

"HELL YEAH! Okay, um, our first performer is Quistis Trepe." Selphie ran off the stage, "accidentally" kicking Quistis sharply on her left ankle. The blond gave her a withering look that Selphie completely did not see and would not have cared about had she seen it, then took her place in the center of the stage. She grasped the microphone and cleared her throat.

"Ahem. I will now give a speech entitled, 'Human Sexuality: An Anatomic Miracle'"

Everyone groaned. Quistis began.

"There are two very obvious differences between males and female. These are the external genitalia." Quistis slipped her jacket down over her shoulders. "The male exterior genitals consist of the penis and testicles. Both of these have a strong role in the reproductive act."

Quistis took her arms out of her sleeves and unbuttoned the first two buttons of her dress. "Interestingly enough, the female genitalia is mainly an internal mechanism. The entire vagina is a very complex organ, consisting of a clitoris, vulva, labia, and other parts." She undid the jacket's snap at her waist and let it drop to the floor. People started to get nauseated.

She took her long blond hair out of its customary barrette and let it fall loose around her shoulders, then undid the rest of the buttons. Now she was fairly naked to the waist, her bra visible between two folds of fabric. "The clitoris, an internal organ, exists mainly to cause pleasure for the female. The male may stimulate this organ, but it is not necessary. In fact, the female orgasm is not necessary to the reproductive process."

Off came the top of the dress completely, falling around her waist. Her bra was completely see-through in the hot theater lights. There was a huge rush for the bathrooms and buckets. "Sexual activity is performed this way: the male is stimulated and his penis becomes erect due to blood rushing to that part of his body. He then lubricated the female's vagina, either by sexually stimulating her, or by a synthetic lubricant." The dress was now gone. Quistis was wearing a thong. The rest of audience was screaming in pain by then. "The penis is then inserted into the vagina, and motions are performed until the male achieves orgasm. The end."

Quistis bowed. 'Thank you."

A few people were still conscious enough to flip her off. Everyone else was too busy throwing up, bleeding out of every bodily orifice, and crying to clap.

Selphie ran back onstage. "Um…we…apologize…for that….demented as fuck display of…complete and utter insanity. Um…do we even bother to check the judges' scores?"

Cid, Edea, and Xu wearily held up their scores. Selphie read them aloud. "A 1.2 from Headmaster Cid…a 2.0 from Edea…and an 8.5 from Xu?! What the hell?"

"I thought it was original, that's all." Xu said defensively.

Selphie shrugged. "Whatever. And speaking of whatever, we now have a dramatic poetry reading from our very own hero and jackass, Squall Leonhart!"