Lockin' Hearts with Gilderoy Lockhart
The Harry Potter Dating Game
By Fred, George, and Lee
Disclaimer: Potter. *GRUNT* What do we o-own? ABSOLUTELY NOTHIN'!!!! Okay, that was a little weird...well, more than a little weird. Yes, that was weird. *'Fred' to 'Lee'* You're strange, Lee. *'Lee' to 'Fred'*If I'm strange, you're stranger.* *'George' to 'Fred and 'Lee'* Stop it! You have a fic to write!
Oooooookay. Here it is, the absolutely hilarious Hogwarts Teachers Edition of our very own Harry Potter Dating Game
Be afraid, be very afraid...wait, what are you doing? Don't click the "Back" Button! Read the fic, for crying out loud! Didn't your mom ever tell you to face your fears?
Lockhart:Here we are, ladies and gentlepersons! Welcome to the Teachers Edition of Lockin' Hearts with your magical host, MEEEEEEEEEEE! Gilderoy Lockhart! You know, I'm in the running for Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award again this year, so all you witches out there, can I have your vote? It would be greatly appreciated.
Offstage Guy: I wanna recount. Shut up or I swear to Heaven I'll do it for you, Gilderoy.
Lockhart: Whatever. Hey, guess what!
Offstage Guy: There's a show going on! So...
Lockhart: Which show? I don't think that I recognize the set *Mr. Offstage scrolls up and points to the title* Ohhhh. I get it! Okies, today we have some very special guests on our show, so let me introduce you to our lovely bachelorette, Minerva McGonagall! She teaches Transfiguration!
*Thump! Thump! Thump! goes the audience. Don't ask me why, it's one of 'George''s crazy ideas.* *Hogwarts students in the crowd faint*
McGonagall: Oh my goodness, why on earth did I agree to this? *sigh!* *Grumbling* This is so embarassing...
Lockhart: What was that, Minnie?
McGonagall: Oh, no.
Lockhart: Right. Anyway, we must introduce our new bachelors! Our first contestant is the Potions Master at Hogwarts, a favorite of everyone who knows him, say hello to Professor Severus Snape! But you can just call him Snape. Everyone does.
*Audience boos, except for a very lonely Draco Malfoy.*
Lockhart: The second contestant is the headmaster of Hogwarts School, Professor Albus Dumbledore, who teaches...hey, wait a sec, he doesn't teach anything, he's just the headmaster! Why do they call him professor?!?!?
Dumbledore: Beats me.
Lockhart: Right. Now, onward...to introduce our 3rd and final bachelor! This...ahem...little (get it?) guy teaches Charms over there at the school. Please welcome Professor...er...umm, let's just call him Flitwick! The first name is unknown to me at this time, I'm sure you all understand...
*more thumping in the audience*
Snape: Oh my gosh. Ohhhhh my gosh.
Dumbledore: *chuckles and smiles* How fun!
Flitwick: Ohhhhhh nooooo..........
Lockhart: Now, no more mopin' around, bachelors! Hit it, girl!
McGonagall: Err... Bachelor number one? Oh, my gosh, there is NO chance I am ever going to say this!
Lockhart: Aww, come on, Minnie! The crowd is waiting!
*Bachelors look at each other. "Minnie?"*
McGonagall: Why me? *After a dirty look at Lockhart* Okay. Bachelor Number One...Would you...oh, GOSH, how embarassing...Would you...errr...kiss me on a first date?
Snape: Why me? Umm..err... *Turns an absolutely brilliant shade of red* uh, no...yes? *shrugs*
*Thump, thump!*
McGonagall: Egads! I hope that was the worst question! Bachelor Two, oh, goodness, not another embarassing one...Where would you take me on a date?
Dumbledore: I dunno, where would you like to go?
McGonagall: Oh, heavens, I don't know! Next question! Flitwick, would you like me if I was poor?
Flitwick: Of course! That was easy!
McGonagall: Heh heh... Umm, Severus? *she plunges on, not even bothering to look at the question at hand* Bachelor Number One, what kind of shampoo do you use? Wait a minute, what does that have to do with anything?
*Thump, thump*
Snape: *his bright red turns to an ugly purplish-green as he mumbles-* Idousshpoo...
McGonagall: Umm...what?
Lockhart: Speak up, Snapey!
Snape *eyes narrowing dangerously* I'll get you for this, Lockhart...Okay, if you MUST know, Minerva, I, errrr....Don't use it.
*Thump, thump*
McGonagall: *trying to supress a strong fit of giggling* Tee hee hee..okay, Dumbledore, your turn. I like to eat chocolate eclairs because, um, they're yummy. My laws, who thinks up these questions? Don't answer that. So. Bachelor 2, what do you like to eat and why?
Dumbledore: I really like chipolatas. They aren't messy and don't get tangled up in your beard.
McGonagall: I'm suprised, Albus, you never seemed like the chipolata type. Now, onward--Flitwick--Hey, look, a question that makes half-sense! Wow! Anyway. What do you consider as your greatest talent?
Flitwick: Well, um, I can do a mean Banishing Charm...and I can sort of sing...
Snape: Don't.
Flitwick: Hey!
Lockhart: Enough of this! It's time for you to pick a guy, Minnie! So, tell us, girl, who's your dreamdate?
McGonagall: I choose........ummmmmmm......number three?
Lockhart: Hey, Bachelor Number Three, step on out, you old smoothie! Come and step UP to your date!
McGonagall: *totally red, looking at floor* Hi.
Flitwick: *He's pink, and he's looking at the floor too* Hi.
Lockhart: Will the poor rejected contestants please leave the stage at this time? *Snape walks off, looking embarassed and mad. Dumbledore is laughing silently*
Lockhart: Thanks a bunch for joining me today for another episode of Lockin' Hearts! With me! Gilderoy! *winks*
*thump*
A/N: Okay, okay, we KNOW McGonagall was WAY out of character there, but, hey, just the fact that she would GO on the show means that she's out of character. You should have seen it coming, you potential flamers out there. But you have to admit that Dumbledore and Snape were in character! We know for a fact (well, sort of) that Professor Snape doesn't wash his hair. And Dumbledore would have taken it that way, you know? OH! And this message from the 'Lee' of our group:
I am a Star Wars fan as well as a Harry Potter fan, and since I am typing at the moment, I put a little Star Wars quote in there. Anyone who can find it, put it in the review (you WILL review, remember?) and you'll be mentioned in the next story. Aw, c'mon, it's not THAT hard to find...
This will probably be the second-to-last of the Lockin' Hearts junk. The next and final episode will be a "switcharound"--meaning that there will be three girls, with the guy asking the questions. How terribly fun! See ya next time! Always brush your teeth!
The Harry Potter Dating Game
By Fred, George, and Lee
Disclaimer: Potter. *GRUNT* What do we o-own? ABSOLUTELY NOTHIN'!!!! Okay, that was a little weird...well, more than a little weird. Yes, that was weird. *'Fred' to 'Lee'* You're strange, Lee. *'Lee' to 'Fred'*If I'm strange, you're stranger.* *'George' to 'Fred and 'Lee'* Stop it! You have a fic to write!
Oooooookay. Here it is, the absolutely hilarious Hogwarts Teachers Edition of our very own Harry Potter Dating Game
Be afraid, be very afraid...wait, what are you doing? Don't click the "Back" Button! Read the fic, for crying out loud! Didn't your mom ever tell you to face your fears?
Lockhart:Here we are, ladies and gentlepersons! Welcome to the Teachers Edition of Lockin' Hearts with your magical host, MEEEEEEEEEEE! Gilderoy Lockhart! You know, I'm in the running for Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award again this year, so all you witches out there, can I have your vote? It would be greatly appreciated.
Offstage Guy: I wanna recount. Shut up or I swear to Heaven I'll do it for you, Gilderoy.
Lockhart: Whatever. Hey, guess what!
Offstage Guy: There's a show going on! So...
Lockhart: Which show? I don't think that I recognize the set *Mr. Offstage scrolls up and points to the title* Ohhhh. I get it! Okies, today we have some very special guests on our show, so let me introduce you to our lovely bachelorette, Minerva McGonagall! She teaches Transfiguration!
*Thump! Thump! Thump! goes the audience. Don't ask me why, it's one of 'George''s crazy ideas.* *Hogwarts students in the crowd faint*
McGonagall: Oh my goodness, why on earth did I agree to this? *sigh!* *Grumbling* This is so embarassing...
Lockhart: What was that, Minnie?
McGonagall: Oh, no.
Lockhart: Right. Anyway, we must introduce our new bachelors! Our first contestant is the Potions Master at Hogwarts, a favorite of everyone who knows him, say hello to Professor Severus Snape! But you can just call him Snape. Everyone does.
*Audience boos, except for a very lonely Draco Malfoy.*
Lockhart: The second contestant is the headmaster of Hogwarts School, Professor Albus Dumbledore, who teaches...hey, wait a sec, he doesn't teach anything, he's just the headmaster! Why do they call him professor?!?!?
Dumbledore: Beats me.
Lockhart: Right. Now, onward...to introduce our 3rd and final bachelor! This...ahem...little (get it?) guy teaches Charms over there at the school. Please welcome Professor...er...umm, let's just call him Flitwick! The first name is unknown to me at this time, I'm sure you all understand...
*more thumping in the audience*
Snape: Oh my gosh. Ohhhhh my gosh.
Dumbledore: *chuckles and smiles* How fun!
Flitwick: Ohhhhhh nooooo..........
Lockhart: Now, no more mopin' around, bachelors! Hit it, girl!
McGonagall: Err... Bachelor number one? Oh, my gosh, there is NO chance I am ever going to say this!
Lockhart: Aww, come on, Minnie! The crowd is waiting!
*Bachelors look at each other. "Minnie?"*
McGonagall: Why me? *After a dirty look at Lockhart* Okay. Bachelor Number One...Would you...oh, GOSH, how embarassing...Would you...errr...kiss me on a first date?
Snape: Why me? Umm..err... *Turns an absolutely brilliant shade of red* uh, no...yes? *shrugs*
*Thump, thump!*
McGonagall: Egads! I hope that was the worst question! Bachelor Two, oh, goodness, not another embarassing one...Where would you take me on a date?
Dumbledore: I dunno, where would you like to go?
McGonagall: Oh, heavens, I don't know! Next question! Flitwick, would you like me if I was poor?
Flitwick: Of course! That was easy!
McGonagall: Heh heh... Umm, Severus? *she plunges on, not even bothering to look at the question at hand* Bachelor Number One, what kind of shampoo do you use? Wait a minute, what does that have to do with anything?
*Thump, thump*
Snape: *his bright red turns to an ugly purplish-green as he mumbles-* Idousshpoo...
McGonagall: Umm...what?
Lockhart: Speak up, Snapey!
Snape *eyes narrowing dangerously* I'll get you for this, Lockhart...Okay, if you MUST know, Minerva, I, errrr....Don't use it.
*Thump, thump*
McGonagall: *trying to supress a strong fit of giggling* Tee hee hee..okay, Dumbledore, your turn. I like to eat chocolate eclairs because, um, they're yummy. My laws, who thinks up these questions? Don't answer that. So. Bachelor 2, what do you like to eat and why?
Dumbledore: I really like chipolatas. They aren't messy and don't get tangled up in your beard.
McGonagall: I'm suprised, Albus, you never seemed like the chipolata type. Now, onward--Flitwick--Hey, look, a question that makes half-sense! Wow! Anyway. What do you consider as your greatest talent?
Flitwick: Well, um, I can do a mean Banishing Charm...and I can sort of sing...
Snape: Don't.
Flitwick: Hey!
Lockhart: Enough of this! It's time for you to pick a guy, Minnie! So, tell us, girl, who's your dreamdate?
McGonagall: I choose........ummmmmmm......number three?
Lockhart: Hey, Bachelor Number Three, step on out, you old smoothie! Come and step UP to your date!
McGonagall: *totally red, looking at floor* Hi.
Flitwick: *He's pink, and he's looking at the floor too* Hi.
Lockhart: Will the poor rejected contestants please leave the stage at this time? *Snape walks off, looking embarassed and mad. Dumbledore is laughing silently*
Lockhart: Thanks a bunch for joining me today for another episode of Lockin' Hearts! With me! Gilderoy! *winks*
*thump*
A/N: Okay, okay, we KNOW McGonagall was WAY out of character there, but, hey, just the fact that she would GO on the show means that she's out of character. You should have seen it coming, you potential flamers out there. But you have to admit that Dumbledore and Snape were in character! We know for a fact (well, sort of) that Professor Snape doesn't wash his hair. And Dumbledore would have taken it that way, you know? OH! And this message from the 'Lee' of our group:
I am a Star Wars fan as well as a Harry Potter fan, and since I am typing at the moment, I put a little Star Wars quote in there. Anyone who can find it, put it in the review (you WILL review, remember?) and you'll be mentioned in the next story. Aw, c'mon, it's not THAT hard to find...
This will probably be the second-to-last of the Lockin' Hearts junk. The next and final episode will be a "switcharound"--meaning that there will be three girls, with the guy asking the questions. How terribly fun! See ya next time! Always brush your teeth!