Title: For
the Love of the Pilsbery Doughboy (1/5)
Author:
Duchess of Buffonia
Disclaimer: Maybe I'm just on crack, but last I checked
Buffy still belonged to Joss Whedon… damn!
Summary: (whole
thing) My drug-induced ramblings… Xander, Buffy, Teletubbies, good old
fashioned Riley bashing, Papa Smurf, and of course, the Pilsbery Doughboy. WARNING: This is pure fluff. Don't take anything seriously! Except for the ultimate power of B/X, of
course. BTW: my drug of choice is
chocolate; try it, it's good stuff.
Rating:
TV-14… for implicated sex talk, and some Pilsbery Doughboy allusions.
Archive:
Will be at Beloved by the Zeppo (http://www.bbtz.net)
anyone else who wants it just has to ask and it's yours…. (just post it and
tell me where it is please!)
Authors
Note: This fic is dedicated to a guy named Chris, who randomly emailed me
complimenting the site. Apparently my
site and fics had converted him to B/X… he's been feeding my ego enough so I
could write this little fic.
Feedback:
yes!!!! Please email my German account:
alexathain@web.de I can only check my
online accounts on Sundays, but get mail from the above account daily.
*************
"So, what
do you want to do?" Buffy pondered,
clicking her heels together as she sat lazily on the table; Xander at her side.
"I don't
know; what do you want to do?" he returned, all the while merrily twiddling his
thumbs.
"Whatever."
Buffy shrugged insipantly and let out a long, exagerrated sigh.
They sat
for a moment in complete, utterly boring silence. Whilst they were lost in their own world of boredom, Tinky Winky
(the most overlooked Tellitubbi, I might add) wandered into the room, did a
little dance, and retreated once more.
This was followed in the next few minutes by the Lakeside High School
Marching Band, which was playing a jolly Backstreet Boys tune. Completely undaunted by such things, Xander turned
to Buffy and suddenly exclaimed, "Buffy, I love you!"
"Really?"
she pondered, "Well, I don't really have time to love you; being that I'm
completely comsumed by brooding over Angel and pining after Riley, but we could
always just have a sex romp. I like sex
romps… Riley and I once had the funnest sex romp… hmmm." Buffy looked off into space, completely doe
eyed and dreamy.
Meanwhile,
Xander was crushed. Though he quite
favored a good sex romp; he would far prefer to watch Care Bears with Buffy
while spoon feeding her gummi worms and butterscotch drops. But, on a separate note, he really had a
strong desire to poke Angel with a stick.
Xander
retreated to another room, separated by a black velvet curtain. "Yo Dead Boy; whassup?" Xander sauntered over to the large cage that
held his former nemesis. "Xand-man!!!
Long time no see!" exclaimed an extatic Angel, but soon his face fell, "Felt
the sudden urge to poke me with a stick, huh?"
Xander
nodded and picked up his favorite poking stick. Angel sighed morosely, "Oh, I was hoping you had come to talk or
something… about stuff." Xander took a
step forward, getting a good grip on the stick, "About Buffy, you mean."
"Yeah,"
replied Angel sheepishly, "She's so peerty!"
He batted his eye lashes and seemed to disapear into his own line of
thoughts. Xander positioned himself
outside the cage and firmly commanded, "Angel, snap out of it! I'm ready."
Angel stood
up straight as a board, his washboard stomach rippled with sweat. The room seemed to grow dark and the
dwelling's rats ran to their hiding places, for they knew what torture was
imminent. Xander pushed the stick into
the cage and poked Angel square in the stomach, to which Angel squeeled like the
Pilsbery Doughboy. The squeel echoed loudly
throughout the small space, and suddenly the smell of fresh bread could be
found.
Xander
paused at the door, satisfied, as he put his stick away. "Thanks buddy, I needed my Pilsbery for the
day; it's a shame they stopped airing that commercial: I just love that little
squeel!" Xander's eyes seemed to light up as he spoke about his childhood
idol. He sighed nostalgically and left
Angel; who was still giggling like a slighly buffer Homer Simpson (but, c'mon,
who wouldn't chose Homer over Angel?)
End Part
One
Title: For
the Love of the Pilsbery Doughboy (2/5)
Summary:
(this part) Riley gets a visit from Papa Smurf, Big Brother proves that you are
never alone, Riley bashing.
Rating:
TV-14… for implicated sex talk, implicated drug use, and for the abuse of Papa
Smurf.
Authors
Note: This part is dedicated to Papa Smurf… we love ya buddy!
*************
Riley sat
silently on his bed; dressed up in full army garb. A small sob escaped his throat as he comtemplated his
situation. The poor schmuck suddenly
began chattering to himself, as he often did; being that he was usually alone
(chugging drain cleaner, no less).
"God! I miss it so much!!!! I was such a damn sexy soldier! And now I'm 'Ordinary Joe' instead of GI
Joe, and I never even got upgraded to the new "Ken package"!" Riley looked down sadly at his "Ordinary Joe
package" and began to cry like an actress on Oscar night.
Suddenly,
Papa Smurf appeared before him, "Don't worry Riley! I can help you!"
"Papa Smurf?"
Riley uttered in disbelief, "but I haven't seen you for years!"
"I've been
here the whole time Riley. I've been
watching you. I knew you were the one."
Papa Smurf said cryptically.
"The
one? The one what?" Riley pondered as
he scratched his head dumbly.
"The one to
shove all my problems up his ass; what the hell do you think Finn boy?" Papa Smurf grew aggressive; thus moving
Riley to burst into tears. "Don't cry
Finn… I was only joking." Papa Smurf reassured the pathetic shell before him.
Papa
Smurf's mood changed suddenly as he reached into his pocket (wait: did you ever
notice that the Smurfs didn't wear pants?
It was like sending a subliminal message to kids to run around naked and
contract sexually transmitted diseases… all a ploy of the condom manufacturers
to attract more business!)
Anyhow,
where was I? Oh, yes: Papa Smurf reached mysteriously into his
"pocket" and pulled out two pills; a blue pill and a red pill. (enter dramatic
theme music)
"Now my
son, you must make a choice," said Papa Smurf deeply (contrary to the "helium
induced" living he was so accustomed to), "Choose the blue pill, and your world
stays as it is. Buffy will come over
later for a little sex romp and you will remain the pathetic ex-soldier boy
that you are. Choose the red pill, and
who knows! Shit happens!" Papa Smurf shrugged and looked up at the
ceiling.
"Papa
Smurf?" Riley pondered.
"Yes, my
son." He answered in Yoda-like fashion.
"Are you
high on crack again?" Riley dumbly scratched his head again; which later turned
out to be a tumor that was leaking into his brain cavity, but that's another
story.
"Just a
little." Papa Smurf (or "Pappy", as the loaders liked to call him) answered
nonchalantly.
"Cool."
Riley shrugged. "So, when can I take
the pill?"
"Wonderland
waits for no one." Papa Smurf insisted.
"What?"
Riley asked, completely clueless as to what the hell he meant.
"Why fiddle
dee, dee; I do declare!" Papa Smurf shouted in full Southern accent, crossing his
legs, batting his eyelashes, and tossing his hair as he did so. Without a further promt from Riley, Papa
Smurf jumped up and began to sing "I'm a Little Tea Pot", with hand motions, of
course. (How can you sing it without
them!)
Though
Riley was thoroughly confused, as he normally was by the everyday conversations
of children's cartoon characters; he had to admire Papa Smurf's stunning
performance, but this was soon followed by jealously; for Riley had never been
bright enough to accomplish both the song and dance at the same time.
"Ugh!!!!"
Riley let out a huge girly-man war cry and simply beat the living daylights out
of Papa Smurf. Once he was done
resorting to violence, everything made perfect sense to Riley. If he wanted to go to Wonderland to find the
super cute underaged Alice (to restore his battered sense of sex appeal), he
would have to go trippin' on the red pill.
Then, he would have a viable reason in court for his behavior.
Before
Riley could engulf his destiny, a knock came at the door. Fearing that it would be that damn sexy
female Smurf, Riley was hesistant to answer the door.
"Open the
damn door Riley!" came the shrill demand of Buffy.
Riley, who
was currently completely Buffy-whipped (imagine "Mr. Plow" episode whip sound),
complied and immediately opened the door.
Buffy marched in wearing spandex sequined pants, a see-through black
top, and a hot pink wig; she was followed by Dawn, who was decked out in a
"Cheerleader's Suck" t-shirt and a fake beard.
"Riley we
have to talk." Buffy spat out; cocking
her hips to one side and pouting accordingly.
"Damn straight foo'" threw in Dawn, "you'se gots ta talk." She made some
emphatic "ghetto" hand gestures and crossed her hands over her chest.
"What is
she doing here?" Riley questioned.
Buffy made a crack of the whip and spat out, "I can bring whoever I want
with me, and don't question me! I'm the
chosen one and I *chose * to have her with me." Buffy wove her hand in the air,
asserting that she was the queen of the castle.
Dawn nodded
her head silently, "She is the one."
Buffy smiled at her young counterpart and continued, "Riley, I don't
think it's gonna work out. Frankly, I
can't stand to listen to you whine all the time and your sexual technique
really sucks."
"What!"
exclaimed Riley. "You're the one who
purposely slacked so we couldn't finish the task of building the Buffy logo out
of dominoes! And you dare blame *me *
for ruining this relationship!"
**** We now
pause for a message from our sponser. ****
Enter
insanely happy announcer lady. "So, you
saw that little mishap between Buffy and Riley, which we brought to you live
without interuption. Stay tuned to Big
Brother, we will be showing you the nominations after this brief commercial
break!"
**** five
minutes later ****
Enter
Buffy, she sits in the easy chair provided and primps herself for the
camera.
"So, I
nominate Riley, because he really sucks in bed. Okay," she smacks her gum and begins to rise from her chair,
"that's it."
Switch to
next shot. Enter Dawn.
"I nominate
Riley, because he sucks in bed… or so I've heard. And on a separate note: Xander *is * the sexiest man alive…
foo'!" after giving a ghetto nod, she rises.
Enter Xander.
"Um… I nominate Riley, because he sucks,
um yeah. I also nominate Papa Smurf
because he doesn't share any of his crack."
Xander smiles nervously for the camera and then quickly retreats, most
likely to poke Angel with a stick.
Enter
Angel, still squeeling.
"I * who
who! * nominate Riley, because he gets to have sex with Buffy and keep his
soul, that's it… *who who! *"
Switch to
peppy announcer lady.
"So you
heard it folks, Riley is in the lead for banishment. Now it is up to you!
Watch and vote for either Riley or Papa Smurf, who is doing fine and
sends his love from intensive care!"
**** We now
return you to your regularly scheduled program ****
Riley
finished pathetically asserting himself and stood in front of Buffy, simply
pouting. Suddenly (big surprise) a
knock came at the door. Riley
reluctantly opened the door and found Xander standing before him.
Dawn leapt
forward and embraced him, "Xandy-pie! I
* kiss * missed you so * kiss * much!" Dawn smothered his visage with kisses,
while Xander desprately tried to push her away. After a brief struggle he finally succeeded, and Dawn flew half
way across the room; landing on Riley's bed.
"Riley,"
Xander asserted, "I have to give you a beat down now." Xander took a step forward and prepared his
fists. Riley stuck out his lower lip
and began to stammer, "Buh… buh… but why?"
"Because
you're a schmuck." Xander answered simply.
Meanwhile, Dawn sighed whimsically from her position on the bed, "He's *
so * sexy when he's assertive!"
"Oh,"
uttered Riley, "why didn't you just say that."
Riley went to Xander's side and prepared himself for his beat down. Xander smirked happily and proceeded to beat
Riley down; which, due to fanfic censors, cannot be shown at this time.
Sometime later,
as Riley lay black, blue, and dumbfounded on the floor; Buffy, Xander, and Dawn
lounged together on the bed. "You
know," Buffy cantered insipantly, "that was really sexy of you Xander."
Xander
raised his eye brows with surprise, "Really?
Me?" Buffy sighed, "Yeah. Whenever you want to try that sex romp, I'm
ready."
Xander's
hopes fell as he realized she wanted to use him only for sex. "And Xander," chimed in Dawn, "Whenever you
want to use me to vent about how Buffy only wants you for a sex romp, I'm
here."
"Thanks
Dawn," Xander said sadly, "That really means a lot to me."
The group,
exhausted from the various activities of the day instantly fell asleep.
End Part
Two
Title: For
the Love of the Pilsbery Doughboy (3/5)
Summary:
(this part) Angel gets bitchy, Jerry Springer tries to solve everybody's
problems.
Rating:
TV-14… c'mon: Jerry Spinger mean anything to you?
Authors
Note: This part is dedicated to Parker, everyone's favorite character.
*************
Angel roamed
about the streets of Sunnydale pathetically aware of his own problems. He had managed to escape his cage earlier,
because in the midst of his last poking fest; Xander had forgotten to lock the
door. After wandering around for about
thirty minutes, he found himself at the door of Riley's group house and he
decided to pay the elusive Mr. Finn a visit.
Hoping to
find Riley so he could talk and maybe bite him a little, Angel rapped lightly
on his door, but there came no answer. Angel
opened the door anyway and found quite a scene! Riley still lay bruised and battered on the floor, a sloppy grin
about his face; while Buffy, Dawn, and Xander were sprawled suggestively on the
bed.
A millions
different thoughts ran through Angel's head.
The first was: "They had an orgy without me?" The second: "Damn, Buffy looks hot in sequins." The third:
"Xander left me for this?" The last
thought stayed with Angel. He was very
hurt that Xander would rather do forbidden things with Buffy and Dawn than stay
with Angel and poke him with a stick.
Eventually Angel gave up on brooding and simply yelled at the group,
"Hey! Wake up!!!"
Buffy
raised her head groggily, "Angel? What
are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in
your cage?" The rest of the group also
stirred; including Riley, who was still in too much pain to coherently move or
speak.
"Xander,"
Angel began to plea with Xander, "I'm really hurt that you would betray me with
Buffy. I trusted you!" A lone tear slipped down Angel cheek as he
whined.
"Angel I
never meant to hurt you, but I'm a free man, I can do whatever I want!" Xander
protested.
"Not with
my woman!" Angel exclaimed. "Excuse
me?" came a cry of protest from Buffy.
"Since when was I *your * woman?
You don't own me Angel, I can have a sex romp with whomever I chose!"
"Oh
really?" questioned Angel, "You wanna start something?"
"Bring it
on!" Buffy accepted his challenge.
Xander sighed. "There's only one way to solve this." Xander offered,
"Jerry Springer."
**** Cue
Jerry Springer theme song. Enter Jerry.
****
Jerry:
"Hello, welcome to today's show. The
topic today is amazingly a new one: "Slayers and the men who love them". Everyone, please welcome Buffy; the vampire
slayer."
* Sporadic
cheering ensues, plus a few cat calls as Buffy walks onto stage wearing red
leather pants and a feather boa; to which she replies by going into the
audience and promptly bashing the perpatrators over the head with a stake. She takes her seat on stage. *
Buffy:
"Thank you Jerry."
Jerry: "Now
Buffy, tell me about your problem."
Buffy: "Of
course,"(she smacks her gum) , "so way back when I had this little thing with
Angel, but then he went psycho and so I moved on. Then he comes back and thinks that we can actually have a
relationship. I tell him to get a life
and he finally goes away. I start
dating Riley, who's a total schmuck, but gives me whatever I want, and Angel
comes back *again * and starts bitching.
Then Xander decides to simply lock Angel in a cage and poke him
occasionally, which is great. Or so I
thought! Just today Xander decides to
tell me he loves me, which is all well and good; being that I always love a
good sex romp, but he wants a real relationship. Now I have all three fighting over me! It's rediculous!"
Jerry:
"Right, right. Everyone, please welcome
Angel, the Souled Vampire."
* More
sporadic cheering, followed by cat calls when Angel walks out all in black (as
usual); to which he responds by throwing a brooding look at the young men; who
are pleased not to get hit with a stake again.
He takes a seat next to Buffy, who rolls her eyes and turns away from
him. *
Angel: "You
see how she treats me! It's like she
doesn't remember how good it was! We
were in love, but then 'one moment of happiness' and poof! Gone."
Buffy:
"Good? Good? Yeah, if you like constant brooding and whining about the dark
life.. sure! And what do you expect! You killed my friends!"
Angel: "It
was an accident!"
Buffy:
"Sure, that's why you broke her neck, accidently carried her back to Giles's
house, and * accidently * placed her in his bed for him to find."
Jerry: "I
think we have some questions from the audience."
* Jerry
walks over to a young woman, fervently raising her hand. *
Woman:
"Wait a minute, wait a minute! Are you
telling me that your friend Giles got freaky with the dead girl?"
Buffy:
"No!!! He found her dead, thanks to
Deadboy here."
* Stan
stands up *
Stan: "Oh
my God, you killed Jenny!"
Cartman:
"You bastard!"
* They sit
down, only after Cartman does a little dance.
Angel frowns and begins brooding.
The woman is still pondering the whole situation. *
Woman: "So
you're telling me that no one got freaky with the dead girl?"
Buffy:
"No! You *beep* *beep* *beep*!"
Angel:
"Buffy! Don't be such a *beep* *beep*
*beep*!"
Buffy:
"Excuse me Angel? Aren't you the one
who *beep* killed all my *beep* friends!"
Angel:
(makes a ghetto snap gesture) "Excuse me?
Would you stop *beep* talking about that! *beep*!"
Buffy: "I
am not a *beep*!"
Jerry:
(interrupts the argument quickly) "Buffy, so you moved on with a boy named
Riley, correct?"
Buffy:
"Yes."
Jerry: "I
think we should meet him. Ladies and
Gentlemen, meet Riley, the schmuck."
* Dead
silence. Riley walks awkwardly onto
stage and sits down next to Angel, mainly because Buffy shoots him a fatal
stare as he tries to sit next to her. *
Riley:
"Why, Hellomph." (He is stopped in his sound by the big wad of cotton still
stuffed in his mouth; a result of the "Jerry Springer Complimentary Dental
Exam"; which was made available only to Riley.)
* complete
silence, except for one cough from a random audience member. *
Jerry:
"Well, yeah; this is Riley. Buffy, do
you have anything to say about your relationship?"
Buffy: "Not
really, except that his sexual technique really sucks."
Riley:
(spits lad wad of cotton out of his mouth) "What! You said I was a panther!"
Buffy: "I
lied."
* loud
chorus of "ooh's" errupts from the audience. *
Jerry: "Now
you've met the men in Buffy's life, but there's another person you should
meet. Please welcome Xander, who's been
in love with Buffy for the past five years!"
* Xander
enters stage left apprehensively, shooting looks at Jerry, who wasn't supposed
to mention the whole "in love with" thing.
The audience cheers loudly; masking the standard cat calls. Xander reluctantly takes the seat next to
Buffy; the only seat available. *
Buffy:
"Xander! I never knew!"
Jerry:
"Really? Buffy, I think Angel has something
he needs to tell you."
* Angel
opens his mouth slowly. *
Random
Audience Member: "Oh yeah baby! Break
me off a piece of that!"
* Angel
blushes. (in my world, he blushes dammit!) *
Angel:
"That time you were sick in the hospital, I came to visit you; essentially
planning to kill you."
* Audience
cuts him off with a chorus of boo's *
Angel:
"But, Xander stopped me, so I dubbed him your "White Knight"."
* Buffy
turns to Xander. *
Buffy: "Is
that true?" (She pushes her feather boa to the floor; which Riley greedily
snatches and places around his own neck.)
Xander:
(sheepishly) "Yes."
Buffy: "Oh,
Xander!"
* Buffy
lunges at Xander and kisses him passionately.
The whole audiences begins to 'ooh' and 'ahh'. Meanwhile, Riley has finally realized his calling as a
crossdresser, and does a little runway while the audience cheers him on. They all know that in due time they'll bring
out his bisexual lover. *
Jerry:
"Buffy has finally found her prince charming, but another slayer also thinks
the same. Here's Faith, the rogue
slayer!"
*
Enthusiastic cheering ensues as Faith struts out wearing the exact same "duck
tape" ensamble that Cher wore in her "Turn Back Time" video. *
Faith:
"Baby!" (She pulls Xander out of Buffy's arms and pulls him into her own
passionate embrace.)
Buffy: "I
don't think so bitch!" (she leaps out of her seat and tackles Faith, full
female cat fight ensues.)
Audience:
"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" (etc.)
* WHAM!*
(duh, nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh, duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh!… Batman
theme continues)
* Faith
flies across the stage. Angel and Riley
stand terrified by the door; clinging to each other for dear life. Xander stands center stage; yelling at Buffy
and Faith to stop while trying to avoid flying furnature. Tom, everyone's favorite security guard,
stands to the side enjoying the "view". *
* POW! *
* Faith
backhands Buffy, who stumbles back slightly.
She grabs a chair and proceeds to fling it in Faith's direction. Instead of Faith, it knocks Xander upside the
head and continues flying across the room.
Continuing on it path of destruction, it promptly knocks Riley and Angel
unconscious; to which the audience cheers loudly. Buffy and Faith stop their fighting and run to Xander's side. *
Buffy:
"Xander! Oh Xander! I'm so sorry! Does it hurt?"
Xander:
"Only when I think."
Faith: "Gee
Buffster, great aim."
Buffy:
"Faith, shut up!"
Xander:
"Girls, girls; please stop fighting over me!
It's sexy, but dangerous; check out Riley and Deadboy over there!"
Buffy: "All
she wants you for is a sex romp Xander!"
* The
audience gasps; as though it actually shocks them. Xander looks questioningly at Faith; who nods fervently. *
Xander:
"True Buffy, but is that any different from you?"
* Before
Buffy can answer; Jerry interupts. *
Jerry:
"Okay everybody; let's meet Riley's bisexual lover, Parker!"
* Sporadic
cheering from the audience as Parker enters wearing the same outfit as Faith. *
******
losing signal ******* static ***** we now return you to your regularly
scheduled fanfic ******
End Part
Three
Title: For
the Love of the Pilsbery Doughboy (4/5)
Summary:
(this part) Who Wants to Be a Millionare, Duchess style. Note: this part is more serious than the
others; I couldn't resist.
Rating:
TV-14… for gratuitous mentions of Kathy Lee Gifford.
Authors
Note: This part is dedicated to Cody Lee Gifford, because look who his mom is.
***********
"Angel you are
so impossible!" Buffy yelled at Angel. "And you!" she turned to Xander, "You've
been lying to me all these years!
You've loved me all along, and yet you let me have all that bad sex with
Deadboy and the schmuck!" Buffy waved
her arms about in confusion and then simply turned and walked out the door
muttering, "I can't deal with this." On her way out, she kicked Riley, who was
lost in a passionate embrace with Parker.
Buffy
wandered around the campus aimlessly.
She couldn't help but think about the past. Xander following her around like a puppy for a year, Angel
looking damn sexy when he was brooding, dying, hurting Xander, Scott Hope, sex
with Angel, Xander in a speedo, Xander and Cordelia, Xander and Willow, Xander
and Faith, Parker, Xander and Anya, Schmuck boy. While she was completely lost in her thoughts; Buffy failed to
realize that she was walking out into the middle of nowhere. When she finally looked around, she found
her self in that annoyingly cryptic desert from that freaky dream episode.
"Well
Buffy, you've finally made it here. Now
are you ready to play?" a mysterious voice called out to her from the shadows.
Buffy
squinted as she looked around, completely confused, "Play what?"
"Who Wants
to Be a Millionare!!!" the voice shouted; as Regis Philbin stepped out of the
shadows. The desert became dark and a
myriad of annoying laser lights appeared.
A studio audience also miracuouly appeared out of nowhere. Regis smiled sacrinely, "So Buffy, question
one." He took a seat and beckoned Buffy to do the same. She peered around her and was convinced that
she was trippin'.
"This
question is for your sanity Buffy. Do
you understand how the game is played?"
Regis looked at her expectantly.
Buffy swallowed hard and feebly said, "Um not really."
"What! What planet have you been on!" Regis shouted
at her. "This show can be seen 4 times
a week on everyone's favorite family network, ABC!" Regis smiled into the
camera and winked. "Well Buffy, this
first question is for your sanity, the second your integridy, the third your
intelligence, and the last is for the love of your life."
"Excuse me
Regis," Buffy stuttered nervously, "Isn't this show called "Who Wants to be a
*Millionare*"?" Regis rolled his eyes,
"Just shut up and play." Buffy shrunk
back in her seat and nodded solemnly.
"Question
one," Regis began, "Who is the most annoying former talk show host in the
history of creation? A) Kathy Lee
Gifford B) Debbie Montanopolus C) Barbara Walters D) John Henson." He finished the question and peered at Buffy.
"Gee, I
don't know. That's a hard one, two from
The View…" Buffy bit her lips nervously.
The theme music suddenly started playing; which caused Buffy to jump in
her seat. The pulsating tones kept
repeating themselves and Buffy pondered her situation. This was to compensate for her sanity after
all. "Regis, I think I'm ready. I'm gonna go with A, Kathy Lee Gifford."
"Final
answer?" prodded Regis. Buffy swallowed
hard, "Yes, final answer." Then music
suddenly burst out of the speakers incredibly loud and Regis began to
grin. "Correct!" he shouted. "Kathy Lee Gifford is the most annoying talk
show host in history!" Regis suddenly
wrinkled his brow in annoyance, "Dammit Cody!
Stop playing with my mind!
Ugh!" Regis cried out in pain
from the computer chip that Kathy Lee had planted in his head, which gave her
and her children complete control over him and his career. (let me tell you,
she made a fortune off of "Millionare"!)
He
remembered the camera and smiled once more, "Okay Buffy, question two. Don't forget, this one is for your
integridy." He paused dramatically before reading the question, "Which one of
these was the best Star Wars movie? A)
A New Hope B) The Empire Strikes
Back C)Return of the Jedi D) The Phantom Menace."
"I don't
know Regis; wouldn't that be a rather opinionated answered? I don't think there can be one right
answer." Buffy asserted this
truth. Regis leaned forward
agressively, "Listen little girl, just do what I say, dammit!" He leaned back and grew calm again. He faced the camera and explained, "You see
Buffy, in Duchess's world there is only one right answer; if you answer
correctly, she won't completely trash your character in this fic. Just a little."
Buffy
thought for a minute. She was still
confused as to why she had insisted for the past day and a half that sex romps
were the most important thing to her, and she would never actually wear a
feather boa. Things began to make more
sense, Duchess was in control. She chose
very carefully her answer, "Regis, I'm gonna say B, The Empire Strikes Back."
"And why is
that Buffy?" Regis pondered. Buffy
thought for a minute, "Well, because Harrison Ford looked the best in that
part, and there was that whole hokey Leah/Han Solo thing. Plus, Luke sounded so funny when he was
whining about Darth Vader being his dad. 'No!'," she mocked Luke, "It can't
be!'" she chuckled to herself. "Final
answer." She asserted.
Regis
paused dramatically, "Right!" he shouted suddenly. Buffy smiled assuredly; she was getting the hang of this
game.
She thought
too soon. Regis suddenly looked quite
grave as he read the next question.
"Okay Buffy, this is a toughie, and it's for your intelligence. Who did Joey choose? Is it A) Dawson B) Pacey C) neither or D)
it doesn't matter, Dawson's Creek is rediculous anyway."
Buffy was
dumbfounded. She was the only teenager
in the United States of America, other than Duchess, who didn't watch Dawson's
Creek. "Well," she said slowly, "I know
Joey used to have a big crush on Dawson, but then had a passionate fling with
Pacey. Frankly I think their both hot,
so I don't know who she would chose."
She bit her lip and almost cried, knowing that if she got this question
wrong she would never find the love of her life.
Regis
looked straight at her and pretended he was actually upset as he said, "Buffy,
I'm gonna need your answer." Buffy
looked up, "Don't I have any lifelines?"
"No Buffy,
you've already used them." Regis informed her.
Buffy's mouth dropped, "We've only been playing for two minutes! I haven't used any lifelines!" Regis looked dead at her, "You've been
playing all along. It started five
years ago, you just didn't know it."
"But!"
Buffy began to protest, but realized that she had to answer. She thought the question over in her head
and finally thought she might have the answer, but in all honesty she knew it
was only a guess. "I'll have to go with
D, it doesn't matter, Dawson's Creek is rediculous anyway." Regis didn't answer her. He slowly shook his head. "I'm sorry Buffy." Buffy's mouth dropped and she thought she would cry. Regis, being the evil person he is,
continued, "That's what I would be saying if you hadn't gotten it right! Congratulations Buffy! Only one more question left!"
Buffy
grinned, but prepared herself for the next question, which she anticipated
would be hard.
"Okay
Buffy," Regis began, the grim look on his face causing another wrinkle, "Here's
the last question." The lights grew dim
and the camera man came in for a close up; inadvertantly coming too close and
smacking Regis with the camera. After a
moment and a few Tylonals, Regis continued reading. "Which of these people has been in love with you since the moment
he first saw you? A) Angel B) Riley
C) Xander D) Papa Smurf"
It was
worse than Buffy thought. When she
heard Angel's name, she thought that had been her choice, but Papa Smurf had
been sniffing her a lot… and Xander seemed to like her a lot too. Buffy came to a cross roads. Lots of thoughts flew through her head,
until she thought she finally had it.
"Regis," she paused, "I have to say A, Angel. He told me that he loved me from the first moment he saw me; it
has to be Angel."
Regis
peered at her, "Final answer?" Buffy
nodded, "Final answer." Regis frowned
slightly, "I'm sorry Buffy; you're wrong."
All the lights went out and the studio audience disappeared. Buffy was left standing across from Regis, a
lone candle providing a dim light.
"What do you mean I'm wrong?!?!" Buffy shouted. "It was Xander." Regis asserted, "It was
always Xander; it always will be Xander.
Angel was too self centered to truly love you in that first moment. Even his love now is only want and
jealousy."
Buffy
realized that in those last few moments it wasn't Regis speaking to her
anymore; that a different voice was escaping from his body. She wasn't quite sure what it was, but
before she could think too much about it; Regis disapeared and the candle snuffed
out, leaving Buffy in the cold darkness; alone.
End Part
Four
Title: For
the Love of the Pilsbery Doughboy (5a/5b)
Summary:
(this part) Octoberfest comes to Sunnydale!
Xander is named Sexiest Man Alive; hence realizing Dawn's evil plot to take
over the world… And our lovely conclusion.
Rating:
TV-14… for the plunging necklines of the beer wenches and for torture by Lou
Bega song.
Authors
Note: This part is dedicated to everyone who thinks I've gone insane… yes thank
you. And, all the songs in this part
are GERMAN: yes, Lou Bega is German (believe it or not)
*********
Buffy had a
mission. She had to find Xander and
figure this whole thing out. Well,
first she had to smack Angel upside the head for all that "love at first sight"
BS. She hoped that Xander would be in
his basement, because that was where she was headed.
She could
hear the music from a mile away.
Chattering, laughing, dancing; her ears told her that Xander was having
a party! *Since when did Xander have
party's?* pondered Buffy. She was
further propelled into confusion as she approached the house. The carnival like procession was gathered
all over the street and a large sign hung over Xander's front door that said
"Wilkommen zu Ocktoberfest!".
There was a
stage set up on Xander's front lawn; where a bleach blond guy in laderhosen and
a girl in a black pigtailed wig were dancing about and singing some freaky song
in German. The audience clapped along
and clinked their beer mugs together as the song went on.
"Riley?"
shrieked Buffy as she realized that he was the freaky bleach blond dancing
around in lederhosen. "What did you do
to your hair?" she finished as he pranced to the edge of the stage and bent
down to speak with her. "Hey
Buffster! Cool huh? I also wanted to be an international singing
sensation!" The song finished and
another tune started up; this time Buffy recognized it.
"One, Two,
Three, Four, Five; everybody in the car now come on lets ride! To the liquor store round the corner, the boys
say they some gin and juice but I really don't wanna…" Yes, it was Lou Bega! Half the audience cringed at hearing that
damn song *again*, but they still cheered and clapped along, their senses
having been completely dulled by all the beer they had drunk.
Buffy was
thoroughly confused. First of all,
Buffy knew that Xander didn't know any German.
Secondly, Riley looked better in those laderhosen than she did! Buffy pushed through the party goers until
she found Xander's back door; which was covered by one of those hippie beaded
door thingys. She entered reluctantly
and found Xander; half naked and surrounded by about ten different beer
wenches.
Buffy stood
watching as the beer wenches; all wearing matching dirndles (yes, that's what
those authentic German dresses are called) whose necklines scooped low enough
to reveal an ungodly amount of cleavage, coddled Xander. He cooed softly and bestowed his "Buffy
patented" grin upon those closest to him.
Buffy nearly cried as she realised that he was telling them jokes; oh
how she longed to be told Xander jokes!
It got to
the point where Buffy couldn't stand it any more. "Xander! What the hell
are you doing?" she questioned forcefully, her hands placed on her hips as she
furrowed her eye brows with anger.
Xander looked up, shocked, "Buffy?
What are you doing here?" he asked, pushing the beer wenches away; all
of whom pouted when they realized that Xander wanted nothing more to do with
them.
"That's not
the point Xander!" Buffy yelled impatiently, "What the hell are you doing?" she
began tapping her foot as she held her arms crossed sternly. Xander got off of the bed and took a step
towards her, "Didn't you hear?"
"Hear
what?" Buffy spat at him. Xander
grinned slightly, "I was officially named People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive!
Here," he tossed the magazine over to her, "see for yourself."
Buffy
couldn't believe her eyes; Xander, her Xander, was posing on the cover of
people magazine. She opened up to his
centerfold and fold a layout of pictures of him. Him and Dawn, Xander pimpin' it in south LA, Xander surrounded by
a bunch of models, and a picture of Xander, Buffy, and Willow that had been
taken years earlier. While still
pondering why Xander would ever wear an ankle length fur coat, gold chains, and
Prada sunglasses; Buffy sighed whistfully at the old picture, flooding her with
old memories.
****** we
now pause for annoying Big Brother interruption ******
Enter
annoying announcer lady. "Well, you did
it folks! It was your strong campaign
to name Xander "Sexiest Man Alive" that brought the fanfic to this point! As you can see, a strong "Save Riley"
campaign has also immerged, and it's followers have encouraged Riley to stop
being a whiny bitch and become an international singing star!" She smiles, showing her huge, annoying
toothy grin.
"All we can
wonder now is 'Where is Dawn? Will she
come to congragulate Xander' and 'Will Buffy confess her love?' It's all up to you now. The voting polls are now open. Dial 1 800 555 6677 to have Dawn appear,
kiss Xander, and have them commence a highly illegal love affair. Dial 1 800 555 6678 if you'd like to see Riley
have a number one hit on the German charts.
Dial 1 800 555 6679 if you'd like Xander to poke Angel with a stick some
more. And finally, dial 1 800 555 6680
if you want to see Buffy and Xander happy together in the end. Each call costs 75 cents and yes, we will
then sell your phone number for our own profit so that you receive unsolicited
telemarketing calls for the rest of your life!"
******
please dial… or send feedback now. Part
two of Part 5 depends on you! "bru ha ha!" (Duchess
lets out her evil laugh, having reduced the readers to groveling for the happy
ending) *****
End Part
One of Part Five
Title: For
the Love of the Pilsbery Doughboy (5b/5b)
Author:
Duchess of Buffonia
Disclaimer: Maybe I'm just on crack, but last I checked
Buffy still belonged to Joss Whedon… damn!
Summary: (this
part) The non-crack ending.
Rating:
TV-14… just because.
Archive: At
Beloved by the Zeppo (http://www.bbtz.net)
anyone else who wants it just has to ask and it's yours…. (just post it and
tell me where it is please!)
Authors
Note: This part is dedicated to Chris again… for calling me the "anti-Christ".
Feedback:
yes!!!! Please email my German account:
alexathain@web.de I can only check my
online accounts on Sundays, but get mail from the above account daily.
*********
Buffy's
eyes flooded with tears as she realized how important Xander really was to her,
and there he stood; in front of her half naked with that doopy grin she loved
so much on his face. "Surprised?" he
asked of her. "No actually," Buffy
answered; still choked up slightly, "Dawn has been ranting about it for
months."
Xander
looked down at his feet, disapointed by her explanation, "Oh." Buffy smiled a bit, "And, you are pretty
damn sexy Xander." Xander looked up in
shock, "What?"
"You heard
me," Buffy asserted, "I don't know; I had a sort of epiphany and…" Xander's face fell again, "And you realized
that you were ready for that sex romp?" He sighed in anticipation of the
response. "No," Buffy replied, "I'm ready to be in love with you." Buffy
applied gently and quietly.
Xander was
thoroughly shocked and confused by her words, "What? You are Buffy, right? And
I am Xander?"
"Last time
I checked," Buffy responded with a smile.
"When did this happen? No, *how* did this happen?" Xander pondered. "Let's just say that that stupid
"Millionare" show isn't as bad as I thought."
Buffy smiled again; keeping her secret to herself.
Of course,
now Xander was even more confused, but he accepted her explanation because
frankly, he was head over heels in love with her. He simply stepped forward and kissed her passionately, fervently,
and with a few more "wild" adjectives.
Meanwhile, Angel (aka: Pilsbery Doughboy) sat in his domicile; spying on
them with a set of binoculars. He then
relayed the "happy" news to the whole gang; which set Faith a-cursin' and Dawn
started to cry, but Riley and Parker were too lost in an embrace to care. Papa Smurf just smoked his crack and planned
his revenge on Riley…
And they
lived happily ever after… until Duchess got a hold of them and tortured them in
the sequel, but that will be next week.
The End…
*********
** Jerry's
Final Thought **
Jerry: "True
love is hard to find; you may randomly run into it one day and it just might
ask to have you. Don't go after
brooding vampires and lousy schmucks instead.
Schmucks should be left to their bisexual lover Parker and slayers
should always wear skin tight leather.
Trippin' Smurfs should be left alone; the medical bills are far to high
anyway. Big Brother is watching you and
Kathy Lee Gifford is the devil incarnate.
Never forget to love your inner Pilsbery Doughboy. Thank you; good night."
