Chapter 6
Confessions and Fears
By Raven Dancer
rating: PG
disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K. Rowling except for the Drs. Barnes. I receive no monetary compensation for these works.
Summary: Confessions and Fears
The Headmaster moved back to the table, taking the seat now vacated next to Snape. He looked at the rigid man, the mix of emotions playing across his face. He was ready to break, no doubt about that.
"I'm sorry," Snape managed again, "I'm just so tired." He rubbed his eyes and mournfully looked at the jumble of food that had been desired and now was repulsive.
"Do you want to lie down?" Lupin queried, disturbed at the huge mood shift. He again rested a hand on Snape's shoulder and prayed he wouldn't totally shut down. Snape merely nodded and stood, silently allowing both men to guide him back into the bedroom. He crawled deep under the covers and wrapped himself completely around a pillow, his face buried.
Dumbledore was not going to be ignored. He walked around to the opposite side of the bed and watched as the face reappeared, dull eyes staring at nothing. Carefully "the Headmaster wanded the bed back into its original size so that he could more easily get to Snape.
"Severus?" he very gently reached out and smoothed hair off his forehead.
"yes master?" a dulled, automatic response. Lupin glanced at Dumbledore.
"Severus? Child? Look at me," he continued in a quiet voice, hand still on his forehead. Snape blinked then slowly refocused in the direction of the voice. Finally he met Dumbledore's eyes.
"Yes, Headmaster?" he asked in a slightly strained voice.
"Good Severus, stay with us," Dumbledore reached for his hand and held it gently.
Lupin slowly climbed into the bed and moved close to Snape without actually touching. He watched Dumbledore for any adverse reaction, then inched closer still.
"Let Remus warm you, Severus. Your hand feels like ice."
"Ok," came a soft reply. Lupin snugged up against his back and pulled him in against his body. Snape whimpered and tensed slightly at the touch, but allowed it all the same.
"Severus?" again Dumbledore stroked his face, pulling a piece of hair out of his mouth. Snape looked up into the calm blue eyes.
"Tell me what happened to upset you."
The Potions Master closed his eyes for a long moment, long enough for both men to think he'd fallen asleep.
"I'm afraid," the soft voice wafted up. Neither listener spoke, but Lupin held him a little closer and Dumbledore reclasped his hand and looked at a face that showed no emotion whatsoever.
"I'm always very careful. Always deferential to Voldemort and
his chosen few. Never disrupt the unspoken hierarchy or challenge
those who are the accepted leaders," here he stopped to lick dry lips.
"Thirsty?" Lupin asked and Snape nodded.
"Accio tea mug," called Dumbledore and in sailed his nearly full mug. Followed closely by an agitated Dobby and the pot of tea.
"It is cold, Headmaster. Cold!" protested the elf.
"It is fine, Dobby. But we need a straw. Please."
Dumbledore quaffed ıhalf the cup in a large swallow. He poured fresh tea on top mixing it. Dobby dropped in a straw and the entire contraption was brought down to Snape to sip. He drank deeply and sighed.
Dumbledore set everything down and resumed holding Snape's hand. The man was thinking judging by his face. Weighing his words.
"I was called last Monday in the late afternoon and you
walked me out, Albus," he swallowed.
"Thank you for that," he added. Dumbledore just squeezed his hand.
"I went far enough away to apparate and was about to when
I was hexed. I managed to apparate to the meeting," his hand twitched and Dumbledore soothed it away with his thumb.
"I apparated nearly in front of Voldemort puking my guts out.
It was neither pleasant or welcome, I'm sure. I expected to
be dragged aside and de-hexed when it was convenient. But.
Snape trailed off and both men knew the crux of the matter was coming up.
"I wasn't moved. I also wasn't fully conscious; sometimes I've
lain dazed for several minutes before I can move at all. After
awhile I felt my face cleaned and the curse lifted. Someone even
gave me a few sips of cool water. I was very confused and
for a brief moment I thought I was back here with you, Albus.
Back safe."
He gripped his mentor's hand more fully and Dumbledore held tight.
"I was terrified to discover that Voldemort himself was
holding me. So close, so close." He trembled violently and Lupin secured his grip.
"He was holding me and I could see Pettigrew and Malfoy
glaring down at me from behind his shoulder. I knew, gods,
I knew I was in trouble."
The shaking continued and Snape finally pushed himself up, his story interrupted while they let him resettle sitting up but leaning back against Lupin. Dumbledore offered more tea and he drank as though he were parched.
"Voldemort asked what had happened and I mentioned
briefly about the hexing before I'd apparated and intimated
I had been cursed before. I mean, I didn't know what to do; I'd
very rarely spoken directly to Voldemort unless reporting
some action I'd been in on. Now he was holding me and taking
care of me and then he began to, to," swallow, "to touch me
and tell me how devoted I was and how he'd overlooked my
finer points and maybe when he was stronger he would
welcome me back. I just nodded and whispered something
about being not worthy. He just, just stroked my cheek and
smiled at me."
Here Snape stared wildly at Dumbledore.
"But when he says "welcome" it means, means his bed chamber
and his games and I remember how his chosen looked years
ago when he was coming into his power and they never lasted
very long because the others always found ways to remove
them, kill them."
Very near to hysteria, Lupin rewrapped himself around Snape, grounding him.
"I don't want to do, th-that, with him. I can't do that!"
Dumbledore took both his hands and steadied them; he gathered his own thoughts and was about to speak when Snape continued.
"Worse, worse, he pulled me up and put me at his right side
in the circle, in Pettigrew's place. His followers fight viscously
among themselves for certain positions in the circle. They've
killed for position. I have always steered towards the middle
and have maintained my place easily without resorting to dueling.
Now I have all of them, all, angry at me. I've grabbed the
prime position in the circle and gained his promised attention.
They will be watching for any weakness, any fault. I will be
under Voldemort's intense scrutiny for worthiness. It was
difficult enough when I was part of the inner circle. I don't
know what I am going to do, Albus." Snape's voice had dropped to a despairing whisper as Dumbledore gathered him up and rocked him.
It was more frightening that Snape didn't cry, only curl close to the older man and put his head on Dumbledore's chest listening to the reassuring heart beat.
"I think, Severus," Dumbledore reasoned, "once we get you
completely healthy we can make some plans. But for now, and
at least for the next several weeks, you're going to be much
too sick to leave the castle, much less my and Remus's sight."
"Ok," came the barely whispered reply.
"You'll just move up to my rooms awhile," Dumbledore continued.
"Is there still that ducky paper on the bathroom walls?" asked the Potions Master in a shaky, weak voice.
"Oh, Sev, I changed that ages ago," said Dumbledore extremely apologetically.
"Thank GOD! It made me queasy," came the grouchy voice.
Lupin snickered.
"Then you'll like this news even more," cautioned the Headmaster.
"I've arranged for a professor to take your classes for the
next week or two."
Lupin looked expectantly, "A sub?" he asked.
"Yes. For a week at least. Severus, you're much too shaky
and we know that the information you're weak and ill will
reach certain Death Eaters fairly quickly. Voldemort, too."
Snape hugged tightly into Dumbledore.
"Thank you," he managed.
Then he cried.
They held him until he relaxed into sleep. He was lowered onto the pillows, blankets tucked around him. Unguarded in sleep the years fell off the man's face and Dumbledore was sharply reminded of twenty years ago. The stakes were just as high, seemingly impossible to overcome. He looked up at Lupin.
"Shit," Lupin said succinctly.
"Indeed," Dumbledore replied. "At least he'll have a few weeks.
Although he's only been called twice this school term. Usually
he receives an owl from a fellow Death Eater."
"I'm sure they're ambiguous enough," Lupin remarked.
"Generally. So really, he can recuperate. The trick is not
letting him get depressed."
Lupin just rolled his eyes dramatically.
"gods, Albus, I'm terrified for him as is!"
Dumbledore searched his eyes long and intensely.
"Well, then, you realize what this means, Remus," the older man said softly, deadly serious, causing the younger to lean close and whisper,
"What, Albus?"
"We have to, to rehang the ducky wallpaper."
Lupin stared at him blankly.
Then he grinned.
Snickering.
Snape shifted in his sleep and opened his eyes. The immediate sight of Lupin and Dumbledore hovering over him and giggling both annoyed and concerned him. But annoyed won out.
"Oh, right. I've got Death Eaters after my ass and you two have
gone nutters," he groused.
Lupin pulled him into a rough hug.
"Oh, no, Sev, no, honest, we, we..." and he dissolved back into laughter. Snape just sighed. He was trapped once again between these two people.
He ground his teeth
and waited.
And Waited.
Then he crawled out from between them and went into the bathroom just to get a door between him and them.
He eschewed the toilet; even with the lid down he didn't want to be that far from the floor. It was hard tile. So he sat leaning against the sink cabinet, pulling his knees up towards his chest. He sat staring at his hands.
Damn.
Scared to death and still not shaking. He really was a cold bastard, wasn't he?
Sighing, he pulled his knees closer and rested his chin on them.
Damn.
He allowed his mind to wander. He was safe for the time being. He would have to work out how to keep himself alive and out of Voldemort's bed. Piece of Cake!
Damn.
He didn't get much time, had only really gotten a short moment
to study the tile grouting next to the tub when the door flew open. He looked up at a very concerned Dumbledore.
"Miss me?" he asked with as much sarcasm as he could muster.
"Severus!" the older man exclaimed. "Whatever are you
doing down there?"
"Contemplating retiling" he retorted.
He heard Lupin's incredulous "WHAT?" from behind Dumbledore and projected in mock anger:
"Well, some of us, when faced with sure buggering and death
by powerful, dark mages, don't dissolve into FITS OF GIGGLES!"
"Oh, right. You rip out the bathroom fixtures," dead panned Dumbledore. Lupin pushed in.
"No he didn't," he exclaimed; Snape just glared at him.
"I'm not so daft as to rip out my own loo," he turned his face away and dropped his amazingly obnoxious facade.
"I'm just looking for a little quiet," Snape sighed and shut his eyes and worked on shutting out them. He neither helped nor hindered their varied attempts to move him, having to resort to levitating the Potions Master up and out to the couch where they put him. They kept a very worried eye on him for the next hour.
Finally Snape pushed himself over.
"You two really aren't going to leave me, are you?" he asked quietly.
"No, Severus," said Lupin earnestly.
"Blast!" he groused.
Dumbledore chuckled and sat on the couch, forcing Snape to accept him as a pillow or sit up. He was very surprised when the pillow option won out. He carefully put his hand on Snape's arm nearly expecting it to be bitten. One did not mess with sleeping dragons.
The hand remained intact and Snape sighed.
"I'm sorry," he said shortly. "I'm unused to this. I've kept
my guard up so many years I don't know how to accept kindness
or affection in any form," he shifted, getting more comfortable and then wrapped one hand over Dumbledore's.
"At least when I'm thoroughly depleted my mouth shuts off," he added gruffly.
"For which I am eternally grateful," retorted Dumbledore and used his free hand to stroke Snape's hair.
"Maudlin mush," he grumbled under his breath. But his hand tightened on Dumbledore's and he sighed into his touch.