Hi,
everyone, my name is Catherine and this is my second Andromeda story. Since I haven't found too many post-eps for
Harper 2.0, I thought I would try one.
TITLE: Empty
AUTHOR
Catherine
EMAIL
hsemerjian@home.com
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of this, please refrain from
suing me
SPOILERS: Heavy ones for Harper 2.0
RATING: PG
CONTENT
Mild language
SUMMARY: Harper reflects on the loss of his knowledge
Empty
By: Catherine
You
know, my life used to be nice and simple.
Used to be, being the key words in that sentence. First, it was survive in the camps, then
escape. After that, it was working for
that rat face Gerentex and then with Beka.
All I had to worry about was survival, salvage and fixing stuff; that
was it for me.
Now
everything has changed.
When
we first came on board the Andromeda, I figured it was going to be a short-term
thing. I didn't think Beka was the
idealist type, but I guess Dylan's converted her. Trance jumped right in and Rev, well, he loves any opportunity to
do good he can get. As for Tyr, I
couldn't begin to guess his motivations, probably something to do with profit
and/or survival.
Me?
I was just waiting for us to ditch the relic and go on our merry little
way. Well, it's been a while now, and
it doesn't look like we're going anywhere any time soon. You know, Beka's never really struck me as
the type to give up command so easily.
I thought she'd at least put up a fight for it.
I
thought I knew a lot of things.
You've
heard me boast: genius, indispensable,
brilliant and the list goes on. Then
one day, Bek and me are heading back to the ship and this stupid evil beach
ball had to go and wreck everything.
That damned Perseid probably thought he was doing me a favour by giving
me that information. Then again, maybe
he didn't want it to die with him. He
saw the perfect out in my cerebral port.
Nobody
realizes how much trouble this thing actually is. The surgery was bad enough, but what I had to do to pay for the
surgery is something that I will take with me to my grave. And it hurts, every time I jack into a
system. After the first month or so,
you learn not to scream every time you use it.
But even now, it still feels like a hot poker being shoved into my neck. Some people at the institute would pass from
the pain every time.
But
what the Perseid did, that hurt more than any other time. It felt as though he was breathing fire
right into my brain, and it spread all over my body. I thought I was going to be burned alive; it hurt so much. My skin felt like it was burning.
It
seemed almost natural when the knowledge started to seep in, kind of like
things were coming together in my head.
You know how when you stare at a problem long enough, things fall
together in a way that's totally unexpected but turns out to be right? Well, it seemed like everything was starting
to do that. Ideas rushed in and out of
my head faster than I could finish them.
All my life, I've looked for answers to questions, longed to know where
things come from and suddenly, it was all there at my fingertips! I thought I'd hit the mother load.
Boy
did that knowledge come with a price.
My nightmares of Earth are bad enough, but if you, oh, quadruple them a
couple dozen times, you might start to scratch the surface of what I saw! It was terrible, millions of people died
every time I closed my eyes. Even with
all the knowledge gone, I still see them; still hear their screams for mercy. Even the smell isn't that hard go conjure
up. Once you get a whiff of Magog
venom, you never forget it. Can you
blame me for not wanting to sleep?
So
I am where I feel the most comfortable, the engineering shop. It's a work of art, the X1. Don't know how in the hell I'm going to
finish it, but it's still nice to look at.
Now that everything is gone, the ship is practically saying 'you're not
smart enough to finish me.' Maybe I'm
doomed to just sit here and run my hand over the frame of it over and over
again for the rest of my life.
Even
as a kid, I'd always thought of myself as pretty smart. I knew all of the good hiding places to get
away from invaders. My father got sick
and tired of all of my questions so he'd smack me. It wasn't because he didn't love me; it was because silence was
the best way to avoid being captured.
The Nietzscheans don't much care for talkers.
After
having all that knowledge, then having it taken away, makes me realize just how
dumb I really am. Sometimes, when it's
not important, bits and pieces of it will tease me and as I focus on getting
them, they vanish as quickly as they come.
It sucks.
Before
the nightmares, I thought the Divine, or whatever is watching over people, was
rewarding me for my less-than-perfect life.
I was willing to live with the nightmares – not like they were anything
new anyway - even if I had to fight the likes of Yeager for it, that was all
right, because you know what?
I
felt like I could contribute something to the Commonwealth.
Sure,
the others would say that being the fix-it guy is good enough, but they don't
get it. I could have told Dylan the
statistical probabilities of which worlds would sign the treaty and which
wouldn't. Hell, given the right
material, I could have built him another ship, just like this one, AI included. Weapons, shields, drugs that make it easier
for a pilot to stay in slipstream without the addictive qualities of
Flash. It was all at my fingertips and
now it's gone just because it was giving me a headache and a mortal enemy who
would stop at nothing to take off my head.
That's more merciful than what the Magog and Nietz do at home.
It's
so weird now, I remember knowing it all, I just don't remember any of the
specifics. It's like going from being
in slipstream to crawling on your hands and knees in water. Everything seems so slow now, like a light
switch was turned off in my head and now I'm just plain old Seamus again.
Plain,
yeah, that's a good way to describe me.
What I know now is what any other person could know if they were just
given enough time and books. Hell, a
port wouldn't even be necessary. I'm
nothing special, just a porter with a smart mouth.
I
feel so empty. Maybe that thing of
Trance's worked too well and she sucked out some of the stuff that makes me …
well, me.
You
know what the worst part of it is? The
others would have a real hard time understanding. What hurts the most is the realization that I don't even know a
fraction about anything. Dylan had his
whole world yanked out from underneath him, but he still has this ship and his
mission. I think I understand a little
better about how he feels now that everything is gone from me.
Empty.
Yeah,
that's the best way to describe me.
THE
END
