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I went through the next day operating on three levels at once. To everyone around me, I was just being quiet, and obviously in a brown study. On the next level down, on the part that I allowed to be registered, there was nothing but blissful blank despondency. Normal yelled at me three times, four people cut me off in traffic, and one person tried to steal my bike, but I never let the blankness waver, so I didn't feel anything. I could cope with blankness. But deep down, in the part of myself that I had always kept a firm wall around until coming to Seattle, I was wailing. I knew what I was going to have to do when I went to Logan's for dinner that night, and I hated myself for it. Thankfully, the only thing that broke through the wall was the distant feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach.
Standing at Logan's door, I get a deep sense of deja-vou(sp?). He opens the door with a smile, and all my walls come crashing down. I blink back the tears that spring to my eyes. How am I going to get through this? A flicker of concern crosses his eyes. He gestures me in.
"Hey." It's half question. I swallow the lump in my throat and try to act normal.
"Hey." Even to me it sounds more like a sob than a word. I look at the floor. I should do it now. Just get it over with. What's one guy gonna matter to me when I'm back at Manticore? Back home. It's where I was made to be, it's where I belong. I was never made to be out here, I'd never be happy. Just do it now. I raise my head to meet his eyes, deep blue pools of worry, all of my training screaming at me to kill him now, and panic courses through me. No one has ever looked at me like that. No one besides my siblings have ever cared how I was feeling before, and they just tell me to suck it up. The last trace of my wall disappears, and I start to cry.
"Max…what's wrong?" the worry in his eyes is now joined by an equal share of bewilderment. After briefly hesitating, he reaches out a hand and cups my face, brushing the tears away with his thumb. The tenderness in the gesture just makes me cry harder. Why'd he have to be so nice? Giving up on trying to make me talk, he steps forward and hugs me gently, rubbing my back as if I were a child.
"You're gonna be okay, Max. It's gonna be alright." God, he's killing me. I sag against him and bury my face in his shoulder, crying for the first time that I can remember. All the years of being forced to suffer in silence, the fear that I'd always hidden behind the wall flowed out of me as Logan gently rocked me, murmuring reassurances in my ear. Eventually my sobs slow, diminishing into slow, shaky breaths. Logan looks down at me, still worried. I'm pretty sure that if I open my mouth, I'll start crying again, so I don't say anything.
"What happened? Is Lydecker around?" I take a deep breath.
"No, Logan…I didn't run away, I…I was sent here." I don't know what possessed me, but I really want to tell him the truth. I must be going mad. He took a step back, his eyes widening with confusion and wariness.
"What?" he breathed.
"I was sent here to…find…Eyes Only…you." Tears were streaming unnoticed down my face again, and the words were coming harder. "I…was supposed to…gain your trust…then…kill you." It came out as a squeak, but I kept on going. "Recognized you….in the park…They…had a file on you…" I took a shaky breath, and broke down to a bare whisper. "After yesterday's broadcast- " I swallowed. "Lydecker called…said he wanted you dead…and me back there…in 36 hours. I've got maybe…12 hours until…I'm supposed to be there." I didn't dare look at him. There was silence for a long time, broken only by my shaky breathing.
"You haven't killed me yet though." I snapped my head up. There was no anger, no fear in his voice, or in his face. The concern was back, as well as curiosity. He was studying me with his head cocked to the side, as if I were a puzzle to be figured out. I stared for a moment. I'd expected him to run, or to tell me how low I was for tricking him, not this. Damb him for being so wonderful. It reached me then.
"I can't." I whispered, and the tears started again. I turned away. "You were supposed to be some self-absorbed ass-hole." I stated bitterly. "But instead…" Straining for the words and failing, I tried to explain. "No one's ever treated me like you do. No one's ever cared how I was feeling." I paused and whispered. "You're the nicest person I've ever met. I can't kill you." I sighed. "Go on with your broadcasts, I'll just tell Lydecker I couldn't find you. He'll throw a temper tantrum, but he'll get over it, and I heal pretty fast." I know I'm being weak, letting my feelings get in the way, but for once I don't care. And if Lydecker doesn't like my report, he can go screw a goat. A gentle hand on my shoulder makes me turn. Logan's looking down at me with the gentlest expression I've ever seen. The hand moves to stroke my cheek, and I lean into it.
"If you know what he's going to do to you…why go back at all?" His eyes never leave my face. He's serious.
"It's where I was made to be. It's where I belong." I parrot the words that have been drilled into my head since I was born. He looks at me quizzically.
"You really believe that?" he asks gently. I don't even bother responding. I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it.
"I have to go." I take one last look at his face and almost run out the door before I can change my mind, leaving him staring forlornly after me.
I build up my wall around the sadness I have as I pack my things. Manticore's my home, I should be glad that I'm going back. Pausing at the sound of OC's soft breathing, I scribble a note of thanks, saying that I'm leaving to take care of my sick mother. She shouldn't wonder too much about that. Taking a last look around, I tiptoe out the door and get on my motorcycle. Time to go home.
This chapter didn't come out as well as I wanted it too. And don't worry, I'm not done yet! Please Review!