Author: Shari Starlight
Email: Sharistarlight@aol.com
Category: Isabel POV, mentions of A/I romance
Rating: R
Spoilers: the entire show from season one to departure
Disclaimer: The characters in their initial creation are owned by the producers and writers of the official show. I simply take the names and the idea of the story to write a poor contrast to the show.
Summary: Isabel POV on departure it is an one-parter. What really goes on inside that character's head? No one knows, but here is my attempt to figure it out
There were always three voices in my head--Vilandra, my alien-counterpart, Izzy, the human side, and Isabel, the medium between the other two. All three paid a part in creating me and my personality: Vilandra was my soul, Izzy was my heart, and Isabel was my mind. Isabel made most of the conscious decisions--occasionally one of the other two would force me to do something I didn't necessarily want to do, especially Vilandra. . .I was always afraid of what she would do because she was so strong! So very strong, too strong. And I'm so weak.
She was so much stronger than me, or Isabel, or Izzy--so strong I had to build walls around her in my mind. I began to tame that side of me that I didn't even have a name for, yet. But not even confining Vilandra could stop her incredibly strong influence over me and my actions. I wasted all my energy just keeping a hold over my confinement of Vilandra. So I distanced myself from anything that would make me happy. . .and Vilandra angry. I couldn't hang around people I liked, I had to hang around shallow people--because that's what Vilandra approves of. Let's face facts, folks, she was a shallow person back when she was still alive on Antar. She had to have it been to do what she did. I made a new persona for myself, one that Vilandra readily approved of. You know of it, the Ice Queen. It continued like this for so long, horribly long now that I think about it. Why I waited so lo--but, that's for later. I continued to hang around shallow people, popular people, and my personality became unhappy and bitter.
Then, one day everything changed. Max broke all the rules by saving the life of Elizabeth Parker. He broke the rules by telling her that we're aliens. I wasn't quite sure of my opinion about this event because Vilandra was so angry and Izzy was ecstatic. I believe that this was the exact moment I began to lose my grip on Vilandra. Biting comments began to pour forth from my mouth without ever going through the Isabel filter.
Elizabeth Parker, the first human to know about us. I believe we could have gotten along under normal circumstances, even become best friends if it hadn't been for Vilandra and her hatred of the girl. We had our moments, of course, where you could see the potential for a friendship. Some of these moments were when I used powers both to change the color of her nail polish and clean her shirt of coffee. No matter how much I wish things were different, that potential for friendship couldn't be indulged fully because of Vilandra's rage.
Maria Deluca, the second human to know about us. I probably would not have become friends with her under normal circumstances simply because she is not the kind of person I would relate with at all. She was introduced into the group during the height of Vilandra's rage. (This, Maria, was the reason for my mean actions towards the beginning of our friendship.)
Alexander Whitman, the third human to be introduced to the group. But he was so much more. Izzy adored him, Isabel enjoyed his company, and even Vilandra could stand him. But when I was around him, the voices stopped. I was just Iz. . .but I was afraid of opening up to him, to show him myself and make myself vulnerable as just Iz. God, I miss him. I can't think clearly anymore, there is no Isabel or Izzy anymore. They left to a dream world where they could be with Alex. But I'm stuck here with only Vilandra for company. It's so cold.
Kyle Valenti, the fourth human to know about us. What can you say about Kyle? He was the only one that truly understood me and my reasons for hanging out with such a shallow crowd.
The four humans, in general, represented a hassle, a means to an end, and even a curse. The very first step, Max healing Liz, led to a chain of events which eventually led to me finally being a put a name to that evil side of me. Vilandra, the traitor of the Royal Four and Antar. It was devastating to know that I was the cause of the ultimate downfall an entire people! I lost something then. I don't know if it was my self respect or the key to those walls in my mind containing Vilandra. . .but ever since, those walls have been taken down from brick to brick.
Then later in this devastating year, Alex died in a supposed car wreck/suicide. Later, we found out that Tess killed him and was using him to translate the destiny book so we could go home. I didn't know that, then. Izzy and Isabel fled from me when Alex died. Anything about me that even resembled human was gone. Now it was only me versus Vilandra. And I'm so weak. It began to get so bitterly cold. Then things just got worse.
Max became a bastard. I couldn't leave for college, hoping to bring Vilandra with me for everyone's benefit. He impregnated Tess, and the baby couldn't survive in the atmosphere or some such shit. We were going home. I didn't want to go, I wouldn't be able to stop HER. But Vilandra. . .she did want to leave, and I must reiterate, I am so weak. I couldn't say no, and I couldn't stop her. So I cried. I cried for Alex, Isabel, Izzy, Max, Liz, Michael, Kyle and his perverted ways, myself, and even Vilandra because of the sorrow I felt for her.
We figured it all out as we were leaving. Well, we didn't. The four humans told us. Liz had been trying to convince us but I didn't want to believe anything alien could have been the cause of Alex's death--because then, in some sick, twisted way his death was my fault! Tess left, anyway, as you know. With the baby--to Khivar. And the walls are just getting thinner and less strong. Vilandra's fighting for control now. I can feel it. But I don't think I am strong enough to fight this time. I'm tired, weak, and cold. Not numb, though. Never numb. The untaming of Vilandra has begun. I tried so hard to control her, but I don't think I can try anymore.
I'm afraid of letting her loose within me. I'm afraid of becoming her. Look at Lonnie. She killed her own brother. That's what I'd be like if I allowed Vilandra control. And I'm afraid of being Lonnie. And I'm so weak, and Vilandra is so strong, so strong.
Liz, Maria, Kyle--I am sorry for all the cruel things I've done to each of you. I love you all, it's just that Vilandra doesn't. It's your humanity, she considered it a curse of genetics. Forgiveness is all I ask of you, you don't have to understand me though I have tried here to explain myself fully.
Max, that recommendation was right. Roswell is too small for me, and the world is too small for me. So I have to leave it. I can't be here, anymore. I'm so tired, and if I rest for even a moment, Vilandra will get control. And that CAN'T happen. It just can't. I'm leaving you because Roswell is too small for me, and for Vilandra.
Max, this is not your fault. It isn't anyone's fault, except my own for my own exhaustion. My life, in itself, causes such misery. Just look at how we are, look at where Alex is now--Vilandra is leaking from me and destroying everything I hold dear. And I love each of you too much to let Vilandra destroy you, as well.
I don't have much more time. Max, apologize to Mom and Dad for my actions. And my last wish is that you tell them. Tell them about our heritage and our powers. Tell them about Vilandra, and then show them this letter. I bid you farewell. It is time.
Love, Iz
(not Isabel, or Izzy, or Vilandra, just Iz)
P.S. Oh, I'm starting to feel numb, inside and out. And the warmth, it's no longer cold. It's a wonderful feeling. I am finally happy. Please forgive me. I must rest.
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Isabel died from blood loss. She cut the main artery in her neck. The note was found by her friends and then her family, barely legible as tears and blood mingled on the page. It was declared a suicide, brought on from undiagnosed and untreated Dissociative Identity Disorder.