A/N: My first ever completed Harry Potter fic. Please go easy on the reviews. This is just a short fic about how Snape felt about Lily Potter and why he acts the way he does towards Harry. Remember that I own nothing but the plot twists. I know some of these have been done before, but I realized that after I started mine. It's rated PG for some rude words. I normally don't use words like that, but I thought it appropriate to express how Snape was feeling.
Please review. Send comments to
Oh well. This story is based on Sarah McLachlan's song, When She Loved Me from the Toy Story 2 Soundtrack. The characters all belong to J.K. Rowling.
~Venus163~
When She Loved Me…
Severus Snape stared at the attendance list in his hand, staring hard at the parchment. He wished if he stared hard enough, it would burst into flames or the names would fade out or something, but he knew it wouldn't.
So, the time had arrived. After more than a decade of trying to forget, the test had come.
Severus had an awful feeling that he had failed it, even before it had started.
He stared at the damning name on the list once more, and sucked in his breath.
Harry Potter.
FLASHBACK
"Hi! I'm Lily Evans. What's your name?"
Severus stared at the redheaded witch who was so forward with him. Everybody always avoided him like the plague, but this outgoing, perky girl obviously wasn't like everybody.
"Severus," he said finally. "My name is Severus Snape."
"Nice to meet you, Severus Snape," said Lily Evans. "Want some Chocolate Frogs I bought from the candy witch?"
END FLASHBACK
Severus sighed. That was how it had all started. A simple, innocent question that had controlled his life ever since his answer.
Sometimes he wished that he had never told her his name. Then, she and he would have remained strangers, and so much of what was now his past would never have happened.
But only sometimes.
And he never truthfully wished it.
If he had the chance to turn back time, he would do it all over again. It was all worth it. For Lily. He would tell her his name on the Hogwart's Express, forever binding all his actions afterwards to her.
FLASHBACK
"Evans, Lily!"
Severus watched as Lily walked, no, skipped up to the Sorting Hat. He knew for sure that he was going to be in Slytherin house, so he crossed his fingers and hoped that she would be too.
His eyes never left the figure of the small girl with an oversized hat on her head. It was only a few moments until the Sorting Hat shouted out her house, but it seemed like an eternity to Severus.
"GRYFFINDOR!"
Severus's heart sank. Gryffindor. Slytherin's sworn rival.
He stared at the ground, missing the next names, until his own was called. He dragged his feet; he couldn't help it, really, up to the Sorting Hat.
"Ah… a good mind, clever really… The ability to be great is in you… you have a partialty to Gryffindor… however, I think the best place for you is in SLYTHERIN!"
Severus ran to the Slytherin table, wanting to hide anywhere that Lily couldn't see him. He didn't look up for the rest of the sorting, but finally got the courage to when Headmaster Dumbledore began his Start-of-Term speech.
Lily smiled and waved at him from her seat next to a boy with messy black hair and glasses. She winked at him.
Severus slowly smiled. Perhaps the house rivalry wouldn't stop their friendship after all.
END FLASHBACK
Severus smiled. It was a genuine smile, not one of those harsh, artificial smiles he wore for the benefit of his students, but it was also bittersweet.
Lily had been different from all the Gryffindors. No matter what anyone had said, she had done what she had wanted and what she had thought to be right. To hell with reputations and what gossips said.
That was why she had remained his friend.
FLASHBACK
"Lily!"
Severus ran after the sobbing witch desperately, wondering what in the world could have made her cry. Lily never cried. That was a fact. If Lily cried, something was terribly wrong.
He caught up with her down by the lake. Putting a hand on his shoulder, he whispered, "Lily, what's wrong?"
"Oh Severus," she sobbed, "James Potter… he dyed my robes pink… and he knows pink goes horribly with red hair… I know they all thought I was ugly…"
"Oh Lily," he whispered, putting an arm awkwardly around her shoulders.
"…And I didn't know how to turn them back… I'm from a Muggle family, so I didn't know a lot of spells…"
Hearing that, Severus froze. Lily? A Muggle-born? It was quite obvious, really, since Evans was not the surname of a Pureblood family.
But he was supposed to hate Muggle-borns. Mudblo-
He found he couldn't finish the thought. Lily was different. She really was.
"Oh Lily," he whispered again, wiping away her tears, and comforted her as best he could.
END FLASHBACK
That had been the exact moment that he had started to hate James Potter, Severus was sure of it. He had made Lily cry. To him, it had been an extreme offense, a crime. To make Lily Evans cry would condemn one as the lowliest scum, not fit for even the Mugglest of Muggles.
And James had certainly made Lily cry.
How he had hated that James Potter.
FLASHBACK
"Lily! Wait!"
Severus slowed down besides Lily, and turned with her to see who was calling her. His lips curled into a snarl.
Sirius Black. Potter's best friend.
"What do you want, Black?" he snapped, stepping closer to Lily.
Black shot him a look of loathing. "I wasn't aware that I was talking to you, Snape." He turned to Lily. "Lily, please don't be mad at James… He just doesn't know how to act around girls-"
Lily laughed lightly, but it was not a sincere laugh. "James? Not know how to act around girls? Don't take me for a fool, Sirius. He has girls worshipping the ground he walks on."
Black put a hand on her shoulder. Severus wanted to punch his head in, but with Lily right there he dare not.
Black sighed. "Lily… please understand… to him you're different than all the other girls-"
At those words, Lily stiffened under Black's hand. "Different to him, Sirius? I know I'm not pretty. I know about my hideous red hair and these ugly green eyes…"
Severus's jaw dropped. How could Lily think so low of herself?
Apparently Black had thought the same thing, for he gripped her shoulders with both hands and shook her gently. "Lily… no, that's not what I meant… you're different to James, Lily, because you *don't* worship the ground he walks on. You *don't* have a crush on him, you act like you detest him, and that confuses him."
Lily looked up into Black's eyes for a long moment. Then, she nodded. "I'll try not to be upset with him, Sirius… but he acts like he hates me all the time!"
Black chuckled, letting go of her shoulders. "Oh, he only acts like it, Lily. He doesn't hate you… far from it."
With a smile to Lily and a snarl towards Severus, Black ran off towards the Quidditch Pitch, yelling about bludgers. Severus put a hand on Lily's back and guided her towards the castle.
END FLASHBACK
Severus held his head in his hands. He had been such a fool, then. That little encounter with Sirius Black… if he had only recognized the significance of the short exchange between Black and Lily, he could have avoided the disaster that followed later…
But he hadn't. He had lived for the present then; he hadn't even thought of the future. That was why it had gone completely over his head, and it was only after everything was said and done that he had realized how important Black's words had been.
But everything was finished. He couldn't change anything, not without being thrown into Azkaban.
FLASHBACK
"Lily, will you go to the Ball with me?"
Lily looked at him strangely. "Ball? What ball?"
Severus was stunned. "The-the Yule Ball…"
Lily gasped and reached out to hug him. "Oh Severus, I'm so sorry, but I can't go with you-"
"Are you going with someone else?" Severus asked, dreading the answer.
"No, but my sister's getting married… I have to be there, or Mum would never forgive me…"
Severus nodded. "I see."
"Oh Sev, don't be upset. I *would* go with you, really, but I just can't! It was sweet of you to ask me, though. I'd rather be with you at the ball any day than have to see Petunia get married to that big fat git Vernon Dursley…"
Suddenly, she grinned. "Oh Severus… I love you… You're one of the best friends I ever had!"
Severus looked nervous. "You love me? Like a friend, right?"
In a sudden show of sentiment, Lily kissed his cheek. "Of course, silly!"
END FLASHBACK
Severus touched his cheek. He could still remember the exact spot where she had kissed him. At times, when he lay in his bed at night, thinking of her, he could swear that he had felt her lips brush against that spot on the cheek.
That had been the only time she had ever kissed him. After the wedding she returned to being the Lily Evans he knew so well: cheerful and happy but aloof; hiding her emotions under a blithe mask of indifference.
And she had loved him then. Not romantically, but she had still loved him. As a friend.
FLASHBACK
Lily ran, sobbing, out of the Great Hall, a Muggle letter clutched in her hand. Severus again felt as if the world was coming to an end. Lily hadn't cried since the time back when they started school.
He ran out of the Great Hall, looking frantically for Lily, and after a few moments his eyes fell on her. He stepped towards her, then stopped, for someone had beaten him to her…
James Potter.
He watched, disbelieving, as Potter knelt down besides Lily, who was curled up in a fetal ball on the floor, and gently put his arm around her. He watched Lily bring her head up and look into Potter's eyes for a brief moment before bursting into tears again…
But this time, she rested her head on Potter's chest and let him rock her like a small child. She let him hold her tightly and whisper comforting words into her ear. She let him stroke her soft red hair and wipe her tears away…
Severus tore his gaze from the pair and ran.
END FLASHBACK
In that moment, he had realized that he loved her… that he was *in* love with her…
But from that moment on, they had drifted apart. Severus could see now that when James Potter had comforted her, Lily had changed her views on him. Suddenly she wasn't Severus's friend anymore. Suddenly she had become James Potter's friend.
He hated James Potter twice as much then.
FLASHBACK
"JAMES POTTER! DON'T YOU DARE!"
Severus watched as Lily chased James Potter around the Quidditch field, yelling about prank shampoo. He watched Potter run behind Remus Lupin, then behind Peter Pettigrew, before finally hiding behind Sirius Black. Lily had almost caught up with him…
"Lily!" Severus called then, before Lily could reach his enemy.
The witch blinked for a moment before recognizing his voice. "Hullo, Severus," she said, going over to him, but her voice lacked the friendliness and fondness that it used to carry whenever directed at him.
It stung him.
"Um, Lily… I was wondering… would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me tomorrow? You know, just to hang out… we haven't hung out in a while," he said lamely.
Lily looked uncomfortable. "Well…"
"Sorry Snape," Potter said, coming up behind Lily and standing next to her. "She's spending the day with us."
As if to confirm his words, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew joined him.
Severus turned towards Lily, desperate.
She turned her gaze away from him. "I'm sorry," she whispered, before letting Potter and his friends take her towards Gryffindor Tower.
END FLASHBACK
With a cry of anger, Severus threw his Potions Gradebook towards the opposite wall, and listened as it hit the barrier with a resounding thud.
It was then that he had known that even friendship was out of reach for him. It was then that he had known that Lily didn't love him anymore…
Not even as a friend.
Potter and his gang had turned Lily against him. They had become strangers.
FLASHBACK
"Get lost, Snape! Just press the knot on the Willow's trunk and see what happens!" Sirius Black, irritated, turned and stomped away towards Gryffindor Tower.
Severus, mumbling to himself, waited until it was dark before venturing outside. Remus Lupin, gone every month… If he proved to Lily that Potter and his friends were dangerous or untruthful, maybe he could get her to come back to him and be friends again…
Taking a stick, he poked it towards the Whomping Willow's trunk blindly until he felt the uneveness of a knot. He put pressure onto the stick, and was relieved to see the Willow's branches shudder and lay still.
Seeing a passage, he walked towards it and poked his head in. Nothing. Feeling suspicious, he entered the passage and headed towards the other end.
An inhuman howl rent the air.
He froze. That was the howl of the werewolf… Remus Lupin was a werewolf!
Suddenly he saw a werewolf running towards him, eyes filled with a wild hunger. Severus couldn't move. Fear made his blood run cold.
Without warning someone barreled into him and was running swiftly towards the entrance of the tunnel, hand clamped firmly onto his wrist. Severus had to blink several times before realizing that it was James Potter.
Abruptly Potter gave a mighty jump and heaved him out of the Whomping Willow's reach. Severus lay still, panting on his back.
A stifled cry caused him to sit up.
Lily.
He scrambled to his feet and headed towards her. "Lily… Lupin… werewo-"
She pushed right past him, not even looking at him. He froze, and suddenly he felt cold all over. He could hear Lily's cry of, "James!"
He turned his head slowly, dreading what he would see but *needing* to see it, to satisfy his need to know.
His eyes widened.
Lily threw herself into Potter's arms. Her arms around his neck, she wept into the front of his robes. "Oh James… when Peter told me… I thought… I thought…"
"Ssshhh, Lil. It's okay," Potter murmured, putting his arms around her shaking form. "It's okay… Remus is fine…"
"And you?" she asked tearfully.
"I'm perfectly fine, Lil. See? Not hurt at all…"
Severus fell to his knees.
END FLASHBACK
It had hurt.
Hell, it still hurt.
Whenever that memory surfaced, Severus always felt as if someone had ripped his heart out, stomped on it, and stuffed it back inside him.
Lily hadn't cared for him. Lily had run to Potter.
How he still hated that James Potter.
FLASHBACK
Severus rounded a corner, heading towards the Slytherin Tower after a night of studying in the library.
He heard a muffled giggle, and wondering what it could be, took a detour to the left.
The Transfiguration classroom.
He tiptoed towards the empty room, intent on not being noticed. The door was open slightly. Silently, he peeked inside…
And instantly wished he hadn't.
Lily was inside… with Potter. Their arms were around each other, and their lips were pressed together in a sweet kiss.
He saw the adoration in her eyes. He saw the love and devotion in those emerald-green orbs… directed at Potter.
His books clattered to the ground.
Lily and Potter jumped.
"Who's there?" Potter asked, but Severus had already picked up his books and fled into the shadows of Hogwarts at night.
END FLASHBACK
A lone tear traveled down his cheek, but Severus furiously swiped it away.
He had understood then what Sirius Black had meant back at the beginning of their school days. James didn't hate Lily. Far from it.
He loved her…
And she loved him back.
No. He wasn't going to hurt any longer. It had been ten years, damn it!
But he knew that thinking like that wouldn't make the memories go away.
"Severus?"
He looked up to see Dumbledore in the doorway.
"Yes, Albus?" he said, trying to be cold.
Somehow, he knew that the Headmaster hadn't been fooled.
"Severus, the Sorting's about to start."
He gave a curt nod, and Dumbledore disappeared. Sighing, Severus stood and left the Potions room.
FLASHBACK
Severus couldn't keep his eyes off Lily Evans the night of the Graduation Ball. He had always thought her to be beautiful, but tonight… she was absolutely radiant.
He desperately wanted to ask her to dance. But he couldn't. Lily only danced with James Potter. Ever since that night Severus had caught them kissing in the Transfiguration classroom a year ago, Lily danced only with Potter, and Potter danced only with her.
"What a perfect couple," whispered Remus Lupin to Sirius Black, and Black nodded.
Severus scowled deeply. It pained him to see Lily so happy with that Potter.
Suddenly, Potter drew away from Lily and headed towards the Staff Table. Severus, not daring to hope, drew near Lily, palms sweaty.
"Attention, Wizards and Witches of all ages!"
He jumped instinctively at the loud voice and turned. Potter was standing on the Staff Table, voice magically loud with the Sonorus Charm.
Potter grinned down at them all. "As you know, this is the last night that we'll all probably be together. After tonight, we'll all go our separate ways and forget many of each other, getting on with our lives.
"But there's one person that I never want to forget. She's always supported me, and we've both been through the torture of being named Head Students."
Severus looked at Lily out of the corner of his eye. She was looking puzzled, but happy.
Potter suddenly jumped off the Staff Table and made his way towards Lily. The crowd parted for him, but closed in behind him.
Potter went up to Lily. "I love you, Lily Evans. I've loved you since the time you dyed my hair blue for turning your robes pink first year."
Lily blushed.
Potter suddenly knelt on one knee and took her hand. Lily's eyes widened in realization.
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side…" Potter reached in his Dress Robes and took out a small, dark blue box. Flipping it open, he revealed a diamond ring surrounded by emeralds. "Will you make me the happiest wizard alive? Lily Evans, will you marry me?"
Severus held his breath. For one moment, his heart filled with hope, wild hope.
Then, he saw Lily smile. "Yes, James," she said, eyes filling with tears. "Yes."
Severus's heart shattered.
He watched blankly as everyone present, from Peter Pettigrew to Professor Dumbledore, applauded. He barely heard Sirius Black whistle loudly in his ear, nor did he notice Remus Lupin conjuring confetti and glitter and making it fall over the couple.
All he saw was Potter slipping the ring onto Lily's finger. He saw her eyes light up, and he saw her kiss him in a deep, passionate kiss.
Severus turned and fled from the Great Hall.
END FLASHBACK
Severus blinked back tears as he settled himself in his seat at the Staff Table.
His heart had never completely come back together.
Stupid Potter… to him.
Smart, intelligent Potter… to everyone else.
Perfect Potter.
Pretty Boy Potter.
Quidditch Captain and Seeker Potter.
Popular Potter.
Ladies' Man Potter.
The Boy Who Had Everything…
Even Lily.
Lily's Potter.
No. He would stop thinking about Lily. He just had to.
FLASHBACK
"Do you, Lily Evans, take this wizard to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
Severus, skulking in the back of the church, stopped and looked at Lily beseechingly, even though he knew that she couldn't see him.
"I do…"
Severus turned and headed towards the door. Behind him, he could hear James Potter say, "I do".
Grabbing his broom, he prepared to fly away from the painful scene. Lily never needed to know that he had come to her wedding.
He hesitated, though. What did he really want? For her to be happy, of course. And if James Potter made her happy… then he would leave her alone.
"Severus…"
He turned to see Lily looking at him from the church door. She suddenly smiled, and ran to him. "You came, Severus… I didn't think you'd come…"
He nodded brusquely. "Yeah…" He tried hard not to think of how beautiful she looked in her white Muggle wedding dress, the white flowers she was named after twined in her red hair.
Suddenly Lily threw her arms around him, and for a moment, Severus Snape turned back into the little boy who wondered why the redhead witch offered him Chocolate Frogs on the Hogwart's Express.
"Oh Severus," Lily said, "Thank you for coming…"
Severus hugged her back, a bittersweet taste in his mouth. When Lily pulled away from him and looked into his eyes, he was startled at what he saw…
Guilt.
She was being nice to him because of guilt.
Severus Snape turned back into the block of ice that he had become ever since that fateful day where James Potter had said that Lily would be going to Hogsmeade with him and his friends.
"I'm leaving," he said curtly, turning around.
Lily seemed to understand. "I'm sorry, Severus…"
He turned and looked at her. He stared at her for a long while, trying to imprint her picture into his memory. Then, he got on his broom. "Don't be. I just hope he makes you happy, Lily Potter."
He left.
Unwanted tears traveled down his face. Lily was gone from him forever.
Making up his mind, he decided to find Lucius Malfoy. He would know where the Dark Lord was to be found.
END FLASHBACK
Severus stared at the table, eyes unfocused and unseeing.
Her wedding day had been the last time he had seen her alive.
After Lily had married James Potter, he had turned to the Dark Lord for salvation from the pain, and had become a Death Eater.
After a while, though, he realized that even the Dark Lord's bidding couldn't erase Lily from his mind. He then turned to Dumbledore, who sent him back into the darkness that he had surrounded himself in to play spy.
That had been his punishment. He had accepted it without question.
FLASHBACK
Severus grabbed his arm in pain as he felt the Dark Mark contracting. The pain soon became so unbearable that he blacked out.
When he came to, he grabbed a pinch of Floo Powder, wincing at the agony still in his arm. Throwing the Floo Powder into the fireplace, he shouted "Hogwarts!" and jumped inside.
He landed in Dumbledore's office. He started to look for the Professor when the door creaked open slowly.
He turned. Dumbledore's face was pale and his eyes were full of sadness. He looked years and years older. Seeing him, he shook his head.
Severus closed his eyes as hot tears threatened to escape. Lily… *His* Lily…
No… *James Potter's* Lily…
In that instant, he knew Lily was dead…
The beautiful, happy Lily Evans was dead…
No…
The beautiful, happy *Lily Potter* was dead…
END FLASHBACK
"Severus?"
He shook his head, getting rid of both painful memories and tears for the moment. He looked up to see Professor Flitwick.
"Yes?"
"The Sorting…"
He looked up to see it had already begun. His eyes instantly fell on a boy…
A boy with messy black hair…
A boy with glasses…
A boy who looked exactly like James Potter…
He watched as the boy looked around him and whispered to a clumsy redhead.
Then the youth turned to look towards his direction, and Severus gasped.
He had Lily's eyes.
"Potter, Harry!" Minerva McGonagall called.
The boy walked up to the Sorting Hat nervously. He put it on, and quickly the hat cried out, "GRYFFINDOR!"
Severus smiled. Gryffindor, eh? He was going to have some fun with this.
At the Gryffindor table, young Harry Potter looked up at Severus Snape, frowning, his green eyes filled with dislike.
Lily's eyes.
Severus Snape half-smiled. Lily had loved him, once upon a time.
Harry Potter was Lily's son.
For Lily he would watch over him. For Lily he would protect him…
But for James Potter he would make sure that his life was miserable.
Severus grinned.
When She Loved Me
Sarah McLachlan
When somebody loved me
Everything was beautiful
Every hour spent together
Lives within my heart
And when she was sad
I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy
So was I
When she loved me…
Through the summer and the fall
We had each other that was all
Just she and I together
Like it was meant to be
And when she was lonely
I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me
So the years went by
I stayed the same
But she began to drift away
I was left alone
Still I waited for the day
When she'd say, "I will always love you"
Lonely and forgotten
Never thought she'd look my way
She smiled at me and held me just like she used to do
Like she loved me
When she loved me
When somebody loved me
Everything was beautiful
Every hour spent together
Lives within my heart
When she loved me…
~FINISH~