A/N: I don't own Evangelion, only Emi, Natsumi and this story.
GuyverX53 and Average Joe: Don't worry, I love happy endings, too. I think this story has one
or two more chapters left depending on a couple things. I'll warn you when it's the last chapter.
Cubic Reality: Got it, more depth, thanks for the suggestion.
Sumiki-chan: When I read your review I almost thought about going off in a different direction
and keeping Emi alive, but then I decided I better stick to the original outline. Anyway, thanks
so much for the complement. Pitying the characters; it made me feel great.
Everyone who is reviewing: Thanks a lot! I love reviews, even if they just say 'this made me
happy' or something. It's nice to know what people think. BTW: Any tips on how to write Rei?
I am completely lost when it comes to what she is like.
Enjoy!
******************************************************************************
He Who Talks to Angels
Chapter 3
By Veronica Cereta
*****************************************************************************
Shinji sat outside the Nerv traumatic injury division. The cold metal folding chair was sticking
into his side causing a sharp point of pain. He didn't care, nor did he really take notice at all.
Thoughts of Asuka were all that occupied his mind: the hope that she was all right, and the
desperate hope that she would somehow find it in herself to forgive him for what he had done.
The third children wanted more than anything to go inside the room be there for Asuka, but
Misato had banned him. She had said that he might get in the way of the doctors. 'What a weak
lie.' A casket like container into which the second children was placed did most of the work of
monitoring and keeping the environment healthy. Shinji knew why he wasn't allowed to enter.
It was because they didn't want Asuka to see him when she woke up. They were afraid that his
presence would upset, maybe even traumatize her.
He got up and looked in the window to Asuka's room. She was still unconscious, inside the box.
It would open on it's own once she could maintain life functions by herself. A novice nurse
stared wearily at him from the corner. The nurse pretended to be taking notes on his patient's
condition. Shinji had a feeling that the nurse was planning out what he would do if the boy
disobeyed orders and entered the room. 'Don't worry. I won't cause any trouble.' On the little
table were the dozen roses Shinji had bought for his roommate. It was a poor way to apologize
for killing someone, but it was all he could think to do. He heard the click, clack of a person in
dress shoes approaching but didn't lift his stare from the box. As warm hand was placed on his
shoulder, he looked up at Misato.
"You did the right thing." Her voice was quiet. "It was the only way to save Asuka."
He silently stared ahead.
"She will realize it in time. You had the strength to do what needed to be done."
He couldn't take it. Killing Emi was the worst thing he had ever done and now Misato was
telling him what a great thing he had accomplished. This all was too much for Shinji to handle.
Taking a last look at the casket holding Asuka he bolted down the hall.
Misato stared after him. 'Running away again. Asuka isn't the only one who needs to forgive
you, Shinji. Somehow, you need to find a way to forgive yourself.' She turned and walked into
the room.
The third children ran down the hallway and out the front gate of Nerv headquarters. All he
could think of was putting space between himself and that place. He ran through the streets, not
really caring where he was going. After a few minutes of desperate running he came upon the
first children.
Rei was making her way to headquarters. She stared quizzically at Shinji as he approached. She
wondered slightly when he had taken up jogging. Then she noticed his face. This was not a
leisurely exercise. Shinji was in pain.
"What are you doing?" She asked, monotony.
Something inside Shinji snapped. All the bitterness and hatred towards everyone and everything
that had made him kill Emi came funneling down upon the blue haired girl.
"You! You knew!" he shrieked.
"Nani?" She was very confused.
"My father never planned for you to assassinate Emi! I was to kill him all along . . . and you
knew about it!"
"Shinji . . . no."
"Don't you have a heart at all? Asuka is seriously hurt because of Father and you. I hate you! I
hate father! I hate you all!"
"Wait," said Rei quietly, but it was too late. The boy was already out of earshot. 'Shinji, I had
no idea. I would have killed for you. I would do anything for you and your father.' Why was he
accusing her of this? She told herself that he was just taking out his anger, but the truth was, his
accusation cut her to the core. She had cared for him ever since that time he had thrown open
her entry plug with his bare hands, just like his father had done. She wanted to help end his
suffering, but had no idea how.
A few minutes ago Shinji wouldn't have thought it possible, but after yelling at Rei, he hated
himself even more. She hadn't done anything wrong. He admitted to himself that she probably
had no idea about his killing the boy. Even if she did, there was little she could have done to
help. He was just mad at everyone, and she just happened to be in the way.
The third children believed that there was not a single person to whom he could turn. Everybody
had lied to or used him. The only person he trusted, the only person he even wanted to care
about, was lying in a coma; and, even if she were awake, she wouldn't talk to him. As a child,
Shinji was used to being alone. However, he had just gotten comfortable depending on Misato,
and opening himself up to Asuka and even Rei. Having those connections ripped away caused
the most intense pain he had ever experienced. There was no one who cared, no one on whom
he could rely.
Then he thought of one person who had never lied to him, never used him, never hurt him in any
way. He ran a few more blocks and finally stood panting in front of the white, wooden house.
**************************************************************************
Misato waved the nurse away and sat down on a three-legged stool. She watched the box,
praying for it to let out its tell tale hiss and open, indicating that Asuka was conscience. For
once, her prayers were answered. She jumped from her seat as the box opened.
"Asuka," she was staring down at the second children. "Asuka, don't strain yourself to talk, but
are you alright?"
The red head nodded slightly. She looked around the room, trying to get her bearings.
Misato glanced up at the window. A horde of doctors, nurses and technicians had gathered to
monitor the pilot's condition. They were respectfully giving the major her space, but she knew
that if anything changed or went wrong, they would flood into the room in a heartbeat. That
meant no mention of the third children. Speaking about Shinji, Emi or anything that might
remind the girl of the ordeal was strictly prohibited. Misato racked her brain for a
noncontrovercial topic of conversation.
"So . . . Have you seen any good T. V. shows lately."
Asuka rolled her eyes. "Look, Misato. I feel fine. I can talk about it."
The major glanced up at the doctors. A few of them were nodding in permission. She would
have gone over their heads anyway, but it was nice that the decided not to put up a fight.
Looking back down, she began, "Shinji feels terrible."
"I hate him! How could he have done that to me?"
"Asuka!" Misato couldn't believe the selfishness of this girl. After all Shinji had been through
Asuka couldn't show one ounce of compassion towards him. "He didn't do anything to
deliberately hurt you." The woman made herself lower her voice and gain control. "He saved
your life."
"Well I would rather have died!" Asuka yelled at the top of her voice.
"You don't mean that!" Misato shouted as the medics rushed in and huddled around their patient.
"Yes I do! I hate Ikari! I never want to see him again!" She was still yelling as a frantic nurse
brushed Misato from the room.
Asuka laid back, closed her eyes and refused to speak. Bitter, hateful thoughts raced through her
mind. She had finally began to open up. She had finally allowed two people to influence her
life, her feelings. She had finally let down her defenses, and then one went and killed the other!
She told Shinji not to do it, but that spineless jerk couldn't handle the pressure. If he had just
waited a moment longer . . . she would have been dead. 'No!' she thought. 'If he had waited
everything would have been fine! He didn't have to kill Emi!' She would never forgive him for
this.
"Asuka, can you speak?"
She was a bit surprised that the doctors were still trying to talk to her. "Yes, I can speak, Baka!"
The medical team exchanged looks of relief. "Let's get you go a bed," said a tall, stout man with
thin glasses and thick black hair. He lifted her out of the box and carried her down the hallway
to a waiting inpatient area. Laying her in a cold hospital bed, he smiled. "Alright, now we'll
leave you to your thoughts."
'No, don't. I hate my thoughts. Don't leave me.' From deep inside Asuka screamed at her
doctor, however her pride wouldn't allow her to speak. She bit her tongue as she watched the
medical team leave. When they had almost all evacuated, she noticed a slender blonde woman
placing a bouquet of roses on a corner table.
"Excuse me," Asuka asked politely. "Could you tell me who those are from?"
The woman looked down at the card. "It says Ikari Shinji."
The second children closed her eyes and sighed. "Could you take them with you."
"Nani?"
"Just take them with you, please."
"All right." The woman slowly bent down and took the roses.
After they had left Asuka lay back in bed. She allowed a single tear to trace a line down her
cheek. Then she forced herself to stop. She wouldn't waste tears on that jerk or what he had
done! The effort exerted in her attempt not to cry tired her and she fell into a deep sleep.
******************************************************************************
"Hi!" Aibu greeted Shinji happily. "You want to see . . . Natsumi!"
"You guessed it," Shinji replied half heatedly.
"She's in the back yard."
"Arigato." The third children went into the back yard. He shivered. This place was worse than
Headquarters. The smell of blood almost lingered in the air, blood that he had caused. For a
moment he considered turning around and going home. Then he thought of Natsumi. She might
need him and heaven knew he needed her. Shinji looked around for a moment before going back
to a grove of pines. Pulling aside some of the lower branches he found the young girl in her
thinking spot.
"Hello, Natsumi."
She looked up. It was evident that she had been crying for some while. "Did you hear?"
"Hear what?"
"Emi died."
Shinji had figured that was what she meant. He wondered how much she knew. "Did they tell
you anything about it?"
She nodded. "They said that he . . . he . . ." Her face went blank.
Shinji waited patiently for her seizure to subside. After a few moments he asked, "Natsumi?"
"Yes."
"What did they tell you about Emi's death?"
"They said that he was hit by a car."
Shinji didn't know whether he should be relieved that they didn't tell her the truth or outraged
that they had lied to her. After a minute he decided to be relieved. At least there was still one
person who didn't hate him. "Are you okay?"
She nodded. Wiping away her final tears she asked, "Do you want to play checkers?"
"I would love that."
Shinji stayed put while she ran into to house to get the board. She was going to be fine. Emi and
her were not particularly close. In a week or two she would stop feeling very sad and in a few
years she would forget that this had ever happened. The pilot envied her. He would never be
able to forget what he had done.
She came back skipping and smiling. Shinji was forced to smile back at her. It felt good. It felt
so good to smile just once after all he had been through. He began to loose himself in the game.
It was such a simple game. You only had to jump the other person's pieces. There were no
tough choices, no life changing decisions.
Natsumi won as usual. "I beat you! I won!" She was always so happy after winning. Then she
looked at Shinji. He looked like he was going to cry. "I'm sorry. You almost won. I'm really
good, so it's not your fault you lost."
"Oh it's not that." Shinji laughed a little. "I'm just thinking about something else."
"Emi?"
"Yeah."
Natsumi jumped around the table and hugged Shinji. He hugged her back with all his might.
She looked up; "You wanna play again?"
"Sure."
"Okay, you'll win this time. I know it!"
Smiling, he put the pieces back onto the board. "Natsumi."
"Yeah?"
"I'm really glad that I came over today."
There was no answer. Shinji waited out another seizure.
******************************************************************************
"Mamma! Mamma! They chose me! I am an elite pilot! I'll defend Mankind! I'm the best in
the world!"
Asuka, as a very little girl, ran towards her house, to where her mom was waiting waiting. She
yelled to her Mom even before she reached the door.
"I have to keep it a secret, so I'll only tell you, Mamma!"
Her mom would be so proud. Who wouldn't be proud to have their daughter save the world!
She was such a good kid. The best kid a parent could ask for.
"Everybody is being so nice to me now, I won't feel so lonely any more."
Now her mom would see how great she was. Her mom would put down that stupid doll and
finally realize that her daughter was wonderful, that her daughter was great, that her daughter
was there.
"I'm okay now even without papa!"
It will all be okay, because you will see me again; you will be my mamma!
"So look! Look at me!"
I am here!
"Mamma!"
Asuka threw open the door to the house. The room seemed bathed in red light. The shadowy
figure of a woman hung from a rafter. Next to the woman was the doll. The two swung back
and forth, the mother and the toy she took for her daughter.
"Mamma . . .Mamma, why? How?"
The woman lifted her head and stared, without recognition, down at her daughter. "Don't worry.
I'm not alone. I couldn't do it by myself. I needed help."
It was then that Asuka noticed the shadowy figure behind her mother. It appeared to be
tightening the noose. The figure rubbed its hands together as it stepped out from behind the
hanging woman and into the red light.
"No!" Asuka screamed at the third children. "Shinji, no!"
The second children bolted upright in bed. She was sweating and panting. Laying back down
she began to cry into her pillow. She buried her head in it as if trying to wipe out the lingering
memory of the nightmare.
"Asuka?" Misato had entered the room.
The second children took no notice, but continued to sob.
Misato sat down next to the girl and laid a hand on her back. She sat for a moment feeling her
hand move up and down as Asuka convulsed a little. She could tell that the red head was trying
to bring herself under control. She was so stubborn, refusing to cry freely even after a such a
terrible incident.
"I'm fine," declared Asuka wiping away a tear. "What do you want?"
"Just checking up on you. How are you doing?"
"As well as can be expected!"
Now that there was little chance of the child slipping back into a comma, Misato could talk about
what ever she liked. She wanted more than anything for Asuka to forgive her roommate.
"Listen, Asuka, Shinji feels just terrible."
The red head simply nodded.
"He really hates himself."
"He should, after what that baka did to me!"
"Don't you ever . . . don't ever imply that Shinji did anything to deliberately hurt you." The
major was shaking with rage. "Shinji would never deliberately hurt anyone, especially you. You
have been through a lot and you need a face to put with this tragedy. Shinji reminds you of all
the pain, all the sorrow, and so you hate him. And that's natural; that's human. But don't ever
say that Shinji did the wrong thing! He had to do what he did. He had to save you."
Misato was right and Asuka knew it. Yet the simple fact remained. She hated him. Whether he
had to do it or not, she hated him for doing it. She didn't know if she could ever forgive him.
*****************************************************************************
Shinji said goodbye to Natsumi and started walking away from the house. She waved from the
window until he was out of eyesight. Seeing the little girl had been so wonderful. He felt
relieved, almost peaceful, but at the same very guilty. Asuka couldn't play with Emi any more.
It wasn't fair. Maybe she would like Natsumi. Shinji found that very unlikely, but it might be
worth a try.
The guilt was getting unbearable. He had to see if Asuka was okay. That meant going back to
Nerv. Only a couple of hours had past since he'd left that place, and he didn't want to face it
again. However, he couldn't just abandon the second children. The time with Natsumi had
given him the strength he needed to face that place again. Sighing deeply he made his way to
Headquarters. He walked slowly, thinking about what he would say to Asuka. How could he
even begin? After a few feeble tries at coming up with something, he decided to just wing it.
There was nothing he could really do to prepare himself.
As he walked, Shinji looked out over the horizon. The sun was descending, casting pink and
purple light across the western sky. The boy realized that he hadn't eaten all day, hadn't even
thought of it. Now his stomach rumbled pitifully. Well, it would have to wait until after he saw
Asuka.
As he neared the building the third children shuttered. He wouldn't run away this time. He
would just get in, see Asuka, and get out. It wouldn't be so hard. Shinji forced himself to run
his key card through the slot. He walked quickly and quietly to the hospital.
He went to board the elevator. As it rumbled to a stop and the doors opened, Shinji stood facing
his father.
"Why father," he cried, "Why did you make me kill?"
"It was the only way." Gendo's voice was monotone and cold.
"But . . . no, it didn't have to happen!"
"Yes it did." As the doors closed on the commander the boy could here him say, "and the sooner
you realize that the easier it will be."
No, his father was wrong. He didn't have to kill the boy Asuka cared about. He was cowardly
and weak and he hated himself for it. Shinji waited for the next elevator and rode it to the floor
holding Asuka.
When he got to the room he saw Misato sitting on the bed. Asuka was sitting up and the two
were in a heated discussion. 'Oh, thank God! She's alright!' Shinji felt like crying for joy. He
watched the two, overcome with relief.
Asuka had been silent as Misato lectured her. She didn't understand why the major was being so
hard on her. Shinji had killed someone she cared about. She was supposed to hate him, besides
she couldn't help it.
Misato looked up and saw Shinji. She shook her head. "He's come to see you."
"Shinji?" Asuka was quiet, almost scared. "I just can't, not now."
Misato sighed deeply. "Of course. I understand." She got up and walked out to Shinji.
As the major stepped out of the room the boy called excitedly, "She's alright! Is she really
okay?"
She smiled. "Yes, Asuka is doing fine."
"Great. I'm going to talk to her now."
"Shinji . . . she's still . . . pretty tired. It would be best if you didn't disturb her."
"Okay. I see." The boy was bitterly disappointed. 'She still hates me is what you really mean,'
he thought. He looked into the room; 'well at least she got my flowers.' Then he noticed that
there were no roses in the room. "Misato, didn't you give her my flowers? Did she see them?"
"She . . . asked that they . . . be . . . removed."
"Oh."
Misato's heart broke for the boy. In a pathetic attempt to cheer him up she asked, "Have you
eaten yet?"
"No."
"Would you like to go out tonight?"
He paused for a moment. "Yes . . . Yes, I would like that."
Asuka sighed with relief as she watched them leave. 'Shinji, I'm sorry. I just can't do it. I still
love you, but . . . I still hate you.'
******************************************************************************
Shinji gasped as Misato walked out of her room. She had changed into a spaghetti strapped
black dress with three ruffled tiers on the bottom. Her hair was done up, make up tastefully
applied and some gold jewelry topped of the ensemble. When she had asked him to dress up, he
had no idea how fancy she was going to get. Just where were they going anyway?
"We're going to have a great time tonight," She replied in response to his skeptical look.
She was overcompensating. Shinji could tell.
"You look great," she continued.
"Thanks, it's nothing." It really was nothing special, just a dress shirt some black dress pants
and a thin black tie, but the complement was nice.
"Well, let's go." Misato reached out and looped her arm through Shinji's. She led him to the
car. Shinji felt like he should open the door for her, but he didn't have the keys. Once inside she
took off almost before the boy had his door shut. They raced through the dark streets of Tokyo
Three.
"So . . . How are things with Kaji?" Shinji thought that maybe if she was forced to talk she
would slow down a little. It wasn't that he didn't trust Misato. He just sort of feared for his life.
"Oh, that baka! He just doesn't understand women."
"Neither do I," Shinji said sullenly.
"Yeah, I guess we're a pretty unpredictable bunch, but really, it's not like we try to be difficult.
Men just don't understand things like emotions or feelings."
Shinji laughed a little. Misato pulled the car up to a very fancy restaurant. The place was huge
with many large windows. As they got out of the car a valet walked up to park it.
"Be careful with this baby. It's a good little car."
The man looked at the beat up blue car and stifled a laugh. He didn't think anyone would notice
if he added a few more scratches. Hell, they probably wouldn't notice if he crushed it to a cube.
He wondered how the thing even ran.
"Yes mamm." The valet got inside and slowly drove away.
The restaurant lobby was carpeted in red. There was a large gold chandelier hanging from the
center of the high ceiling and a black baby grand piano sitting in a corner. Large green plants
were in corners, hanging from hooks, and set on tables all over the room. This place definitely
looked like it was out of Misato's price range.
The major noticed her guest's quizzical look. "This is the place they took me when they were
trying to recruit me to work at Nerv. Isn't it great? I've been waiting for a reason to come back
here and well . . . I just thought we could use some cheering up. Besides, I had a little cash saved
up for a rainy day."
'A little cash?' thought Shinji. 'Must have been an extra bank account!'
A man in a tuxedo approached them.
"Dinner for two tonight?" he asked in a stuffy voice
"Yes," Misato answered.
"Right this way."
They followed the man back through a candle lit dining room. He seated them at a small black
table towards the center.
"Is this satisfactory?"
"Certainly," Misato beamed.
The man walked off and Misato giggled at Shinji. "Isn't this place cool!"
He nodded. Shinji had never even seen a restaurant like this. He picked up his menu and looked
at the prices. There was no way the major could afford this. She would be broke for weeks
because of this meal.
A waiter approached. "Can I start you off with something to drink?"
"Water will be fine for me," the major answered.
"I'll take a water, too."
"All right. I'll be back in a moment."
Misato turned to her guest, "Now Shinji, be sure to order whatever you want. Money is no
object. This is your night." She gulped as she opened her menu. Somehow she didn't think it
had been this expensive when Commander Ikari had brought her here. 'I guess when someone
else is paying . . .'
Shinji decided that he would not order what ever he wanted. He just couldn't do that to Misato.
The waiter came back with the water. He set the glasses before the couple and took out a
notepad and pen.
"Are you ready to order?"
"Yes," Shinji replied. "I'll take the soup and a salad."
"Right, soup and a salad. And for the lady?"
"Um . . . the same."
"Okay, that's two soups and salads." The waiter looked down his noise a bit at the couple,
lamenting how small the tip would be for this meal. He took the menus and headed for the
kitchen.
"Shinji," Misato scolded. "I told you to order whatever you wanted."
"Well, I wanted the soup and salad."
"Oh, you are incorrigible!"
The boy could tell that she didn't mean it. There was no hiding the relief behind her voice.
"So, how are you holding up?" asked Misato.
Shinji thought about that. He hated his father for making him kill, he hated her and Ritsuko for
lying to him, he hated himself for . . . for everything, and he wanted more than anything for
Asuka to speak to him again. "Okay, I guess," was his feeble reply.
The major cocked an eyebrow. She knew that wasn't how he felt, but there was no point
pressing the issue. "How is school going?"
"Fine."
This forced conversation was beginning to get on the woman's nerves. "Listen, Shinji, Asuka
knows that you did the right thing."
"How do you know that?"
"Because, I told her."
"Oh." The third children was glad the Misato was trying to help. The major was a powerful ally,
especially when it came to matters of the heart. Shinji smiled, "Arigato."
"Don't mention it. Things will get better. I promise."
GuyverX53 and Average Joe: Don't worry, I love happy endings, too. I think this story has one
or two more chapters left depending on a couple things. I'll warn you when it's the last chapter.
Cubic Reality: Got it, more depth, thanks for the suggestion.
Sumiki-chan: When I read your review I almost thought about going off in a different direction
and keeping Emi alive, but then I decided I better stick to the original outline. Anyway, thanks
so much for the complement. Pitying the characters; it made me feel great.
Everyone who is reviewing: Thanks a lot! I love reviews, even if they just say 'this made me
happy' or something. It's nice to know what people think. BTW: Any tips on how to write Rei?
I am completely lost when it comes to what she is like.
Enjoy!
******************************************************************************
He Who Talks to Angels
Chapter 3
By Veronica Cereta
*****************************************************************************
Shinji sat outside the Nerv traumatic injury division. The cold metal folding chair was sticking
into his side causing a sharp point of pain. He didn't care, nor did he really take notice at all.
Thoughts of Asuka were all that occupied his mind: the hope that she was all right, and the
desperate hope that she would somehow find it in herself to forgive him for what he had done.
The third children wanted more than anything to go inside the room be there for Asuka, but
Misato had banned him. She had said that he might get in the way of the doctors. 'What a weak
lie.' A casket like container into which the second children was placed did most of the work of
monitoring and keeping the environment healthy. Shinji knew why he wasn't allowed to enter.
It was because they didn't want Asuka to see him when she woke up. They were afraid that his
presence would upset, maybe even traumatize her.
He got up and looked in the window to Asuka's room. She was still unconscious, inside the box.
It would open on it's own once she could maintain life functions by herself. A novice nurse
stared wearily at him from the corner. The nurse pretended to be taking notes on his patient's
condition. Shinji had a feeling that the nurse was planning out what he would do if the boy
disobeyed orders and entered the room. 'Don't worry. I won't cause any trouble.' On the little
table were the dozen roses Shinji had bought for his roommate. It was a poor way to apologize
for killing someone, but it was all he could think to do. He heard the click, clack of a person in
dress shoes approaching but didn't lift his stare from the box. As warm hand was placed on his
shoulder, he looked up at Misato.
"You did the right thing." Her voice was quiet. "It was the only way to save Asuka."
He silently stared ahead.
"She will realize it in time. You had the strength to do what needed to be done."
He couldn't take it. Killing Emi was the worst thing he had ever done and now Misato was
telling him what a great thing he had accomplished. This all was too much for Shinji to handle.
Taking a last look at the casket holding Asuka he bolted down the hall.
Misato stared after him. 'Running away again. Asuka isn't the only one who needs to forgive
you, Shinji. Somehow, you need to find a way to forgive yourself.' She turned and walked into
the room.
The third children ran down the hallway and out the front gate of Nerv headquarters. All he
could think of was putting space between himself and that place. He ran through the streets, not
really caring where he was going. After a few minutes of desperate running he came upon the
first children.
Rei was making her way to headquarters. She stared quizzically at Shinji as he approached. She
wondered slightly when he had taken up jogging. Then she noticed his face. This was not a
leisurely exercise. Shinji was in pain.
"What are you doing?" She asked, monotony.
Something inside Shinji snapped. All the bitterness and hatred towards everyone and everything
that had made him kill Emi came funneling down upon the blue haired girl.
"You! You knew!" he shrieked.
"Nani?" She was very confused.
"My father never planned for you to assassinate Emi! I was to kill him all along . . . and you
knew about it!"
"Shinji . . . no."
"Don't you have a heart at all? Asuka is seriously hurt because of Father and you. I hate you! I
hate father! I hate you all!"
"Wait," said Rei quietly, but it was too late. The boy was already out of earshot. 'Shinji, I had
no idea. I would have killed for you. I would do anything for you and your father.' Why was he
accusing her of this? She told herself that he was just taking out his anger, but the truth was, his
accusation cut her to the core. She had cared for him ever since that time he had thrown open
her entry plug with his bare hands, just like his father had done. She wanted to help end his
suffering, but had no idea how.
A few minutes ago Shinji wouldn't have thought it possible, but after yelling at Rei, he hated
himself even more. She hadn't done anything wrong. He admitted to himself that she probably
had no idea about his killing the boy. Even if she did, there was little she could have done to
help. He was just mad at everyone, and she just happened to be in the way.
The third children believed that there was not a single person to whom he could turn. Everybody
had lied to or used him. The only person he trusted, the only person he even wanted to care
about, was lying in a coma; and, even if she were awake, she wouldn't talk to him. As a child,
Shinji was used to being alone. However, he had just gotten comfortable depending on Misato,
and opening himself up to Asuka and even Rei. Having those connections ripped away caused
the most intense pain he had ever experienced. There was no one who cared, no one on whom
he could rely.
Then he thought of one person who had never lied to him, never used him, never hurt him in any
way. He ran a few more blocks and finally stood panting in front of the white, wooden house.
**************************************************************************
Misato waved the nurse away and sat down on a three-legged stool. She watched the box,
praying for it to let out its tell tale hiss and open, indicating that Asuka was conscience. For
once, her prayers were answered. She jumped from her seat as the box opened.
"Asuka," she was staring down at the second children. "Asuka, don't strain yourself to talk, but
are you alright?"
The red head nodded slightly. She looked around the room, trying to get her bearings.
Misato glanced up at the window. A horde of doctors, nurses and technicians had gathered to
monitor the pilot's condition. They were respectfully giving the major her space, but she knew
that if anything changed or went wrong, they would flood into the room in a heartbeat. That
meant no mention of the third children. Speaking about Shinji, Emi or anything that might
remind the girl of the ordeal was strictly prohibited. Misato racked her brain for a
noncontrovercial topic of conversation.
"So . . . Have you seen any good T. V. shows lately."
Asuka rolled her eyes. "Look, Misato. I feel fine. I can talk about it."
The major glanced up at the doctors. A few of them were nodding in permission. She would
have gone over their heads anyway, but it was nice that the decided not to put up a fight.
Looking back down, she began, "Shinji feels terrible."
"I hate him! How could he have done that to me?"
"Asuka!" Misato couldn't believe the selfishness of this girl. After all Shinji had been through
Asuka couldn't show one ounce of compassion towards him. "He didn't do anything to
deliberately hurt you." The woman made herself lower her voice and gain control. "He saved
your life."
"Well I would rather have died!" Asuka yelled at the top of her voice.
"You don't mean that!" Misato shouted as the medics rushed in and huddled around their patient.
"Yes I do! I hate Ikari! I never want to see him again!" She was still yelling as a frantic nurse
brushed Misato from the room.
Asuka laid back, closed her eyes and refused to speak. Bitter, hateful thoughts raced through her
mind. She had finally began to open up. She had finally allowed two people to influence her
life, her feelings. She had finally let down her defenses, and then one went and killed the other!
She told Shinji not to do it, but that spineless jerk couldn't handle the pressure. If he had just
waited a moment longer . . . she would have been dead. 'No!' she thought. 'If he had waited
everything would have been fine! He didn't have to kill Emi!' She would never forgive him for
this.
"Asuka, can you speak?"
She was a bit surprised that the doctors were still trying to talk to her. "Yes, I can speak, Baka!"
The medical team exchanged looks of relief. "Let's get you go a bed," said a tall, stout man with
thin glasses and thick black hair. He lifted her out of the box and carried her down the hallway
to a waiting inpatient area. Laying her in a cold hospital bed, he smiled. "Alright, now we'll
leave you to your thoughts."
'No, don't. I hate my thoughts. Don't leave me.' From deep inside Asuka screamed at her
doctor, however her pride wouldn't allow her to speak. She bit her tongue as she watched the
medical team leave. When they had almost all evacuated, she noticed a slender blonde woman
placing a bouquet of roses on a corner table.
"Excuse me," Asuka asked politely. "Could you tell me who those are from?"
The woman looked down at the card. "It says Ikari Shinji."
The second children closed her eyes and sighed. "Could you take them with you."
"Nani?"
"Just take them with you, please."
"All right." The woman slowly bent down and took the roses.
After they had left Asuka lay back in bed. She allowed a single tear to trace a line down her
cheek. Then she forced herself to stop. She wouldn't waste tears on that jerk or what he had
done! The effort exerted in her attempt not to cry tired her and she fell into a deep sleep.
******************************************************************************
"Hi!" Aibu greeted Shinji happily. "You want to see . . . Natsumi!"
"You guessed it," Shinji replied half heatedly.
"She's in the back yard."
"Arigato." The third children went into the back yard. He shivered. This place was worse than
Headquarters. The smell of blood almost lingered in the air, blood that he had caused. For a
moment he considered turning around and going home. Then he thought of Natsumi. She might
need him and heaven knew he needed her. Shinji looked around for a moment before going back
to a grove of pines. Pulling aside some of the lower branches he found the young girl in her
thinking spot.
"Hello, Natsumi."
She looked up. It was evident that she had been crying for some while. "Did you hear?"
"Hear what?"
"Emi died."
Shinji had figured that was what she meant. He wondered how much she knew. "Did they tell
you anything about it?"
She nodded. "They said that he . . . he . . ." Her face went blank.
Shinji waited patiently for her seizure to subside. After a few moments he asked, "Natsumi?"
"Yes."
"What did they tell you about Emi's death?"
"They said that he was hit by a car."
Shinji didn't know whether he should be relieved that they didn't tell her the truth or outraged
that they had lied to her. After a minute he decided to be relieved. At least there was still one
person who didn't hate him. "Are you okay?"
She nodded. Wiping away her final tears she asked, "Do you want to play checkers?"
"I would love that."
Shinji stayed put while she ran into to house to get the board. She was going to be fine. Emi and
her were not particularly close. In a week or two she would stop feeling very sad and in a few
years she would forget that this had ever happened. The pilot envied her. He would never be
able to forget what he had done.
She came back skipping and smiling. Shinji was forced to smile back at her. It felt good. It felt
so good to smile just once after all he had been through. He began to loose himself in the game.
It was such a simple game. You only had to jump the other person's pieces. There were no
tough choices, no life changing decisions.
Natsumi won as usual. "I beat you! I won!" She was always so happy after winning. Then she
looked at Shinji. He looked like he was going to cry. "I'm sorry. You almost won. I'm really
good, so it's not your fault you lost."
"Oh it's not that." Shinji laughed a little. "I'm just thinking about something else."
"Emi?"
"Yeah."
Natsumi jumped around the table and hugged Shinji. He hugged her back with all his might.
She looked up; "You wanna play again?"
"Sure."
"Okay, you'll win this time. I know it!"
Smiling, he put the pieces back onto the board. "Natsumi."
"Yeah?"
"I'm really glad that I came over today."
There was no answer. Shinji waited out another seizure.
******************************************************************************
"Mamma! Mamma! They chose me! I am an elite pilot! I'll defend Mankind! I'm the best in
the world!"
Asuka, as a very little girl, ran towards her house, to where her mom was waiting waiting. She
yelled to her Mom even before she reached the door.
"I have to keep it a secret, so I'll only tell you, Mamma!"
Her mom would be so proud. Who wouldn't be proud to have their daughter save the world!
She was such a good kid. The best kid a parent could ask for.
"Everybody is being so nice to me now, I won't feel so lonely any more."
Now her mom would see how great she was. Her mom would put down that stupid doll and
finally realize that her daughter was wonderful, that her daughter was great, that her daughter
was there.
"I'm okay now even without papa!"
It will all be okay, because you will see me again; you will be my mamma!
"So look! Look at me!"
I am here!
"Mamma!"
Asuka threw open the door to the house. The room seemed bathed in red light. The shadowy
figure of a woman hung from a rafter. Next to the woman was the doll. The two swung back
and forth, the mother and the toy she took for her daughter.
"Mamma . . .Mamma, why? How?"
The woman lifted her head and stared, without recognition, down at her daughter. "Don't worry.
I'm not alone. I couldn't do it by myself. I needed help."
It was then that Asuka noticed the shadowy figure behind her mother. It appeared to be
tightening the noose. The figure rubbed its hands together as it stepped out from behind the
hanging woman and into the red light.
"No!" Asuka screamed at the third children. "Shinji, no!"
The second children bolted upright in bed. She was sweating and panting. Laying back down
she began to cry into her pillow. She buried her head in it as if trying to wipe out the lingering
memory of the nightmare.
"Asuka?" Misato had entered the room.
The second children took no notice, but continued to sob.
Misato sat down next to the girl and laid a hand on her back. She sat for a moment feeling her
hand move up and down as Asuka convulsed a little. She could tell that the red head was trying
to bring herself under control. She was so stubborn, refusing to cry freely even after a such a
terrible incident.
"I'm fine," declared Asuka wiping away a tear. "What do you want?"
"Just checking up on you. How are you doing?"
"As well as can be expected!"
Now that there was little chance of the child slipping back into a comma, Misato could talk about
what ever she liked. She wanted more than anything for Asuka to forgive her roommate.
"Listen, Asuka, Shinji feels just terrible."
The red head simply nodded.
"He really hates himself."
"He should, after what that baka did to me!"
"Don't you ever . . . don't ever imply that Shinji did anything to deliberately hurt you." The
major was shaking with rage. "Shinji would never deliberately hurt anyone, especially you. You
have been through a lot and you need a face to put with this tragedy. Shinji reminds you of all
the pain, all the sorrow, and so you hate him. And that's natural; that's human. But don't ever
say that Shinji did the wrong thing! He had to do what he did. He had to save you."
Misato was right and Asuka knew it. Yet the simple fact remained. She hated him. Whether he
had to do it or not, she hated him for doing it. She didn't know if she could ever forgive him.
*****************************************************************************
Shinji said goodbye to Natsumi and started walking away from the house. She waved from the
window until he was out of eyesight. Seeing the little girl had been so wonderful. He felt
relieved, almost peaceful, but at the same very guilty. Asuka couldn't play with Emi any more.
It wasn't fair. Maybe she would like Natsumi. Shinji found that very unlikely, but it might be
worth a try.
The guilt was getting unbearable. He had to see if Asuka was okay. That meant going back to
Nerv. Only a couple of hours had past since he'd left that place, and he didn't want to face it
again. However, he couldn't just abandon the second children. The time with Natsumi had
given him the strength he needed to face that place again. Sighing deeply he made his way to
Headquarters. He walked slowly, thinking about what he would say to Asuka. How could he
even begin? After a few feeble tries at coming up with something, he decided to just wing it.
There was nothing he could really do to prepare himself.
As he walked, Shinji looked out over the horizon. The sun was descending, casting pink and
purple light across the western sky. The boy realized that he hadn't eaten all day, hadn't even
thought of it. Now his stomach rumbled pitifully. Well, it would have to wait until after he saw
Asuka.
As he neared the building the third children shuttered. He wouldn't run away this time. He
would just get in, see Asuka, and get out. It wouldn't be so hard. Shinji forced himself to run
his key card through the slot. He walked quickly and quietly to the hospital.
He went to board the elevator. As it rumbled to a stop and the doors opened, Shinji stood facing
his father.
"Why father," he cried, "Why did you make me kill?"
"It was the only way." Gendo's voice was monotone and cold.
"But . . . no, it didn't have to happen!"
"Yes it did." As the doors closed on the commander the boy could here him say, "and the sooner
you realize that the easier it will be."
No, his father was wrong. He didn't have to kill the boy Asuka cared about. He was cowardly
and weak and he hated himself for it. Shinji waited for the next elevator and rode it to the floor
holding Asuka.
When he got to the room he saw Misato sitting on the bed. Asuka was sitting up and the two
were in a heated discussion. 'Oh, thank God! She's alright!' Shinji felt like crying for joy. He
watched the two, overcome with relief.
Asuka had been silent as Misato lectured her. She didn't understand why the major was being so
hard on her. Shinji had killed someone she cared about. She was supposed to hate him, besides
she couldn't help it.
Misato looked up and saw Shinji. She shook her head. "He's come to see you."
"Shinji?" Asuka was quiet, almost scared. "I just can't, not now."
Misato sighed deeply. "Of course. I understand." She got up and walked out to Shinji.
As the major stepped out of the room the boy called excitedly, "She's alright! Is she really
okay?"
She smiled. "Yes, Asuka is doing fine."
"Great. I'm going to talk to her now."
"Shinji . . . she's still . . . pretty tired. It would be best if you didn't disturb her."
"Okay. I see." The boy was bitterly disappointed. 'She still hates me is what you really mean,'
he thought. He looked into the room; 'well at least she got my flowers.' Then he noticed that
there were no roses in the room. "Misato, didn't you give her my flowers? Did she see them?"
"She . . . asked that they . . . be . . . removed."
"Oh."
Misato's heart broke for the boy. In a pathetic attempt to cheer him up she asked, "Have you
eaten yet?"
"No."
"Would you like to go out tonight?"
He paused for a moment. "Yes . . . Yes, I would like that."
Asuka sighed with relief as she watched them leave. 'Shinji, I'm sorry. I just can't do it. I still
love you, but . . . I still hate you.'
******************************************************************************
Shinji gasped as Misato walked out of her room. She had changed into a spaghetti strapped
black dress with three ruffled tiers on the bottom. Her hair was done up, make up tastefully
applied and some gold jewelry topped of the ensemble. When she had asked him to dress up, he
had no idea how fancy she was going to get. Just where were they going anyway?
"We're going to have a great time tonight," She replied in response to his skeptical look.
She was overcompensating. Shinji could tell.
"You look great," she continued.
"Thanks, it's nothing." It really was nothing special, just a dress shirt some black dress pants
and a thin black tie, but the complement was nice.
"Well, let's go." Misato reached out and looped her arm through Shinji's. She led him to the
car. Shinji felt like he should open the door for her, but he didn't have the keys. Once inside she
took off almost before the boy had his door shut. They raced through the dark streets of Tokyo
Three.
"So . . . How are things with Kaji?" Shinji thought that maybe if she was forced to talk she
would slow down a little. It wasn't that he didn't trust Misato. He just sort of feared for his life.
"Oh, that baka! He just doesn't understand women."
"Neither do I," Shinji said sullenly.
"Yeah, I guess we're a pretty unpredictable bunch, but really, it's not like we try to be difficult.
Men just don't understand things like emotions or feelings."
Shinji laughed a little. Misato pulled the car up to a very fancy restaurant. The place was huge
with many large windows. As they got out of the car a valet walked up to park it.
"Be careful with this baby. It's a good little car."
The man looked at the beat up blue car and stifled a laugh. He didn't think anyone would notice
if he added a few more scratches. Hell, they probably wouldn't notice if he crushed it to a cube.
He wondered how the thing even ran.
"Yes mamm." The valet got inside and slowly drove away.
The restaurant lobby was carpeted in red. There was a large gold chandelier hanging from the
center of the high ceiling and a black baby grand piano sitting in a corner. Large green plants
were in corners, hanging from hooks, and set on tables all over the room. This place definitely
looked like it was out of Misato's price range.
The major noticed her guest's quizzical look. "This is the place they took me when they were
trying to recruit me to work at Nerv. Isn't it great? I've been waiting for a reason to come back
here and well . . . I just thought we could use some cheering up. Besides, I had a little cash saved
up for a rainy day."
'A little cash?' thought Shinji. 'Must have been an extra bank account!'
A man in a tuxedo approached them.
"Dinner for two tonight?" he asked in a stuffy voice
"Yes," Misato answered.
"Right this way."
They followed the man back through a candle lit dining room. He seated them at a small black
table towards the center.
"Is this satisfactory?"
"Certainly," Misato beamed.
The man walked off and Misato giggled at Shinji. "Isn't this place cool!"
He nodded. Shinji had never even seen a restaurant like this. He picked up his menu and looked
at the prices. There was no way the major could afford this. She would be broke for weeks
because of this meal.
A waiter approached. "Can I start you off with something to drink?"
"Water will be fine for me," the major answered.
"I'll take a water, too."
"All right. I'll be back in a moment."
Misato turned to her guest, "Now Shinji, be sure to order whatever you want. Money is no
object. This is your night." She gulped as she opened her menu. Somehow she didn't think it
had been this expensive when Commander Ikari had brought her here. 'I guess when someone
else is paying . . .'
Shinji decided that he would not order what ever he wanted. He just couldn't do that to Misato.
The waiter came back with the water. He set the glasses before the couple and took out a
notepad and pen.
"Are you ready to order?"
"Yes," Shinji replied. "I'll take the soup and a salad."
"Right, soup and a salad. And for the lady?"
"Um . . . the same."
"Okay, that's two soups and salads." The waiter looked down his noise a bit at the couple,
lamenting how small the tip would be for this meal. He took the menus and headed for the
kitchen.
"Shinji," Misato scolded. "I told you to order whatever you wanted."
"Well, I wanted the soup and salad."
"Oh, you are incorrigible!"
The boy could tell that she didn't mean it. There was no hiding the relief behind her voice.
"So, how are you holding up?" asked Misato.
Shinji thought about that. He hated his father for making him kill, he hated her and Ritsuko for
lying to him, he hated himself for . . . for everything, and he wanted more than anything for
Asuka to speak to him again. "Okay, I guess," was his feeble reply.
The major cocked an eyebrow. She knew that wasn't how he felt, but there was no point
pressing the issue. "How is school going?"
"Fine."
This forced conversation was beginning to get on the woman's nerves. "Listen, Shinji, Asuka
knows that you did the right thing."
"How do you know that?"
"Because, I told her."
"Oh." The third children was glad the Misato was trying to help. The major was a powerful ally,
especially when it came to matters of the heart. Shinji smiled, "Arigato."
"Don't mention it. Things will get better. I promise."