A/N: There will be one more chapter after this, plus an epilogue. I don't own Evangelion.
Rhine: Thanks for all your reviews. I don't think Rei is OOC in agreeing to kill Emi. I had a
scene where Gendo tells her he will have Shinji do it, she examines her feelings for Shinji and
the comander and then decides to do it for both of them even though it will hurt her emensly. I cut
the scene because it was more fun to have her speak up at the meeting. I also think Gendo would
have made Shinji kill Emi. I think he cares for Rei and Shinji equally, since he had a hand in
both of their creations. He meant what he said about acciedents in battle being easier to forget
than planned killings. You are right, Shinji would have done more to save Emi. I'll fix that in
the rewrite. Natsumi will give some advice in the next chapter. Thanks for the idea. Thanks for
the advice on how to write Rei, it was great.
Average Joe: :) Thanks for the idea. I thought up an evil way for Asuka to hurt Shinji. Also
thanks for the Advice about Rei.
Warren: Glad you liked it. That's one of my favorite parts, too.
Everyone: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. You guys make me happy. Enjoy the
next chapter.
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He Who Talks to Angels
Chapter 4
By Veronica Cereta
*****************************************************************************
Shinji and Misato walked into the apartment much later in the evening. After dinner out with his
guardian, Shinji almost felt hopeful about the situation. The major always managed to put things
in the most positive light. However as the third children passed Asuka's empty room, his
peaceful mood was completely shattered. The truth was, Asuka was very alone, hurting, and
there was nothing he could do about it.
He slunk to his room and got into bed. Tossing about restlessly, he thought of his red headed
roommate. From the kitchen he could hear Misato opening a beer. 'Shouldn't she be getting
ready for bed?' He wondered what Asuka was doing at the moment. Was she lonely, afraid,
bored? Eventually the boy managed to drift into a tormented sleep.
The events leading up to Emi's death played out in his dream. Misato ordered the two pilots to
launch. They fought the angel as it led them towards the group home. Then came the most
terrifying moment of Shinji's frightening existence. The angel had Asuka and was going to
destroy her. The third children's weapon had been destroyed. He needed another, but one had
not been provided. 'Why wasn't there another weapon? Was it part of the plan? Could his
father really be so cruel?' Unfortunately Shinji knew the answer. He had witnessed his father's
single mindedness often as a child, and later as an Eva pilot. 'Whatever it takes to get the job
done,' He thought bitterly. So the third children did the only thing he could; he plunged his
progressive knife down upon Emi. This time, as he was in mid swing, the little boy disappeared,
and in his place Asuka materialized. She was wearing the yellow dress that she had worn on the
day they met and smiling up at him trustfully. Shinji tried to stay his hand, but it was, too, late.
The knife plunged into the second children, dispensing her in a spray of blood.
"No!" he screamed as he bolted up in bed. Shinji stared at the walls of his room. What had he
done? He hadn't actually killed Asuka, but he had completely destroyed her trust, her openness,
and possibly her ability to love. Shinji remembered a movie he had seen about a boy who was so
fragile that he had to live in a plastic bubble in order to keep the harmful elements in the
environment away from him. Asuka was in an extremely fragile state, secluded from the
harmful element, otherwise known as Shinji. 'She's alone in her little bubble. That's not right.
She shouldn't have to be lonely at a time like this. I may be hurtful to her, but I know someone
who isn't.'
Shinji got up and went to Misato's room. He knocked at the door. There was no answer.
"Misato?" He said quietly. Then louder, "Misato?"
Slowly Shinji slid the door open and looked into the room. It was empty. The boy smiled,
realizing that Asuka wasn't alone after all. He went back to bed, feeling all the better.
******************************************************************************
Misato had been trying for over an hour to get comfortable in the white easy chair in Asuka's
room. The major wondered how Shinji was doing. Maybe she should have waited until he was
asleep, but he had seemed much better after dinner. 'Poor guy. He wants so much to help Asuka
and she won't even let him get near her. It must be very difficult for him, trying to find
forgiveness, love, from Asuka, and from himself.'
The red head rolled around a couple of times. 'Can't sleep either?' Misato thought. 'She's been
through so much lately. I wish I could take her back home, back to familiar surroundings, her
own room, and Shinji. The sooner she forgives him the better, for both of them.'
******************************************************************************
Shinji woke tired. He hadn't slept very much the past night. The boy kept waking up and
wondering about his roommate. He was very grateful when morning finally arrived and he could
visit her again. Even if he couldn't talk to her, he could at least see how she was doing. Shinji
got up and dressed hurriedly. He fixed himself some toast and ate it before poor Pen-Pen had
even entered the kitchen. The penguin was feeling a bit neglected these days. 'Sorry,' Shinji
thought, 'but I've got more important things to worry about.' Feeling a bit guilty, he placed an
extra piece of toast in Pen-Pen's food bowl. 'There, that ought to help.'
The third children left for headquarters just as the sun was peaking over the horizon. On the way
he met up with the first children. The two walked in awkward silence for a long while. Finally
Shinji broke the hush.
"What are you doing up so early?"
She answered quietly, "I have a couple of tests this morning."
"Oh." Shinji had forgotten completely about tests, work, school, and almost every average part
of his life. Apparently the higher-ups at Nerv understood and were delaying all tests on the
second and third children. This realization made Shinji hate his father a little less, a very little.
There was more silence. Shinji spoke again, "Listen, Rei. I fell bad about what I said."
"Don't."
"Nani?"
"I know you were upset." Their eyes met for a brief moment.
"Oh," said Shinji, as the gaze was broken. Again silence prevailed. Talking to the first children
would never be easy, but the boy was beginning to get the hang of it. 'The moments of silence
aren't always bad,' he realized, 'just normal parts of the conversation, often as important as the
words.
This time Rei spoke up. "I didn't know about the plan."
"I know."
Rei almost smiled. They walked the rest of the way in silence, but this time it wasn't forced. It
was peaceful and appreciative. It was the silence that sometimes exists between two friends who
are close enough not to fear it.
When the two reached Nerv, they quickly swiped their cards and entered. Shinji hurried to
Asuka's room. He was very surprised when he noticed the first children following him.
"Ayanami, are you visiting Asuka, too?"
She paused for a moment. "I am a concerned about the second children as well." She couldn't
tell him the real reason; that she wanted to be there for him. She herself did know exactly why
she wanted to help him. The girl only knew that she cared about what Ikari was going through.
Shinji smiled as he almost ran to the elevator. His smile faded as the doors opened to reveal the
commander. However, he was much too excited to see Asuka to let his father slow him down.
Shinji and Rei stepped on to the elevator and faced forward. They road in silence for a minute,
then Commander Ikari spoke.
"The pilot of Unit 02 is being released today. Misato is taking her home . . . I thought you
should know."
Shinji paused for a long time. "Arigato," was his quiet reply. This always happened. As soon
as Shinji really began to hate his father, he started acting decent. It was because of this that he
could never truly hate his father for very long. It was because of this that he felt so weak and
helpless when talking to the man.
Gendo nodded.
The elevator stopped and Shinji hurried away. Rei slowly walked after him. The boy peered
into Asuka's room. It was empty; he was too late. He ran to the window just in time to see
Misato driving away from headquarters. 'Damn!' He would have to walk all the way home to
see her.
Rei watched Shinji watch the car. He seemed upset about having to wait to see his roommate.
For a reason that Rei was unaware of, this fact saddened her. She decided not to think about it.
'There are tests to be run,' she thought as she silently walked away.
Shinji walked out into the hall and looked for the blue haired girl. He wasn't surprised when he
couldn't find her. By now he was used to her somewhat antisocial ways. Sighing deeply he
headed for home and Asuka.
******************************************************************************
Misato looked over at her passenger. Asuka was staring up at the sky though to window.
"Feeling better?" the major asked.
"Hai, a little." She sighed. Physically she felt fine, but emotionally . . . "Misato?"
"Yes?"
"Do you know about Shinji and me. I mean before the . . . incident?"
"I have my suspicions."
"Well, I kind of liked things that way." She raised her voice a bit. "I mean he is a complete
baka, and a coward, but . . . he's somehow not that bad."
Misato smiled knowingly. There was something about Shinji, something in his peaceful, quiet
manner that drew you in and made you want to like him.
Asuka continued, "But I hate him so much! Even though I want to, I don't think I can ever
forgive him for what he did."
Misato thought for a minute. "Asuka, forgiveness isn't always something that just happens.
Sometimes you have to work at it. Try to be around him and be happy."
"Happy," she scoffed.
"Well, try to interact with him without hating him. Build up a tolerance, then a friendship, and
then truly forgive him."
Asuka didn't see much sense in what major was saying. If she couldn't forgive him, then she
couldn't forgive him and that was that.
Sensing the girl's resignation, Misato added, "I know you can do this."
That hit a nerve in Asuka. It made forgiving Shinji a challenge, and Sohryu Asuka Langley was
not one to back away from a challenge. She wasn't very hopeful about her chances, but it was
worth a try. Shinji did deserve at least the effort.
***************************************************************************
As Rei sat in her plug suit her thoughts kept drifting back to the third children. Her feelings
about him were unidentifiable, at least to her, and they had been that way for some time. She
cared for him, and wanted him to care for her. Was that love? The girl knew nothing of that
emotion. Having never felt love she couldn't identify it with any degree of certainty. Was it
friendship, another thing she didn't understand or know? Was this how friends felt? This caring,
concern and . . . was it . . . desire? She couldn't be certain, couldn't be certain of anything.
"Rei?"
The voice of Ritsuko derailed her train of thought.
"Hai."
"Rei, is there something on your mind today? You're sync. ratio is a bit lower than usual."
The first children thought for a moment. Something was defiantly on her mind, but what could
she say to the doctor. Like all people on the verge of their first crush, Rei imagined that no one
on earth had ever felt the way she was feeling.
"No," she finally replied.
"Well, try to concentrate on synchronizing with your Eva," Ritsuko commanded gently.
"Hai."
******************************************************************************
The only thoughts filling Shinji's mind were of Asuka. She was probably home by now. Home,
where they all belonged. He couldn't wait to get to the small apartment. She had to be okay;
they released her. She had to be well enough to go home, and that was a major improvement.
Home; the word sounded wonderful. Her room would no longer be empty, making him feel
guilty, making him remember. Of course she still hated him. He had a long way to go before
things would be normal again, and he didn't know if they would ever be completely normal. At
least they would be together. As a slight breeze blew through the almost empty streets he
quickened his pace a bit.
******************************************************************************
Asuka stared at the walls of her room. She had told Misato that she wanted to sleep, but that was
a lie. The second children had done nothing but sleep for the past couple of days. She wasn't
tired any more, but she just didn't feel up to talking with her guardian. She wondered if Shinji
was in his room. 'Where else would he be?' She didn't know if she could forgive the boy, but
she wanted very much to see him.
Sighing, the girl left her room and walked the hall slowly. A shaky hand reached out and
knocked on his door. No answer.
"Shinji? . . . Shinji no baka, answer me!" She couldn't blame him for being timid after she had
refused to speak to him for so long. Slowly she slipped the door open. The room was empty.
'That jerk! He's never here when I need him.' Asuka knew that wasn't true. He had always
been there when she was sad, confused, or even just bored. Still the thought that he didn't care
enough to be home when she arrived made her seethe with anger. 'Boys! Refuse to talk to them
for a couple days and they forget all about you!' Checking to see if Misato was looking, Asuka
slipped into the first children's room. The room was sparse, a few items on a table were the only
indications that it was inhabited in at all. 'How can he live with so few possessions?'
She looked over at the bed, remembering her dream. A shiver ran down her spine causing her to
tremble visibly. Moving towards the table she tried to put such thoughts behind her, but images
of Shinji kept creeping into her conscience. Not pictures of the real Shinji, but the man from her
dream, and the monster who had been forced to kill Emi. 'Those aren't Shinji,' she tried to tell
herself. 'That is just how you see him now.' It was no use. The person kept returning, the
person that she hated more than anything.
Her gaze shifted to a device on the table. 'He must have left in a hurry this morning. He's never
without this.' She picked up the SDAT and caressed it with her fingertips. 'This is Shinji's
escape. This is where he goes when he can't face the world.' She looked at the tiny ear bugs.
Then, dropping the device to the floor, she continued. 'I had an escape once, a short-lived
respite from the world. You ruined it, Shinji.'
"You killed him." As she spoke her last thought aloud she brought her foot down on the SDAT.
She listened with satisfaction as the machine crunched and creaked under her twisting heal. This
wasn't right; this wasn't what she'd come in here to do. But it felt so great. 'Why is it so much
easier to hate someone than to try to love them?' A lone tear traced a path down Asuka's face as
she thought about what she had lost. She would never get Emi back, and because of her inability
to forgive, it looked as if Shinji would be lost forever as well.
Trying to stop any more tears, she left Shinji's room and hurried to her own. She buried her
head in her pillow. 'Why can't I forgive? Am I really that callous? He was trying to save me
for Christ's sake! Why can't I love?'
*****************************************************************************
"I'm home! Misato! Misato! I'm home!" Shinji began shouting to his guardian from outside in
the hallway. "Misato! Asuka!" Asuka, Misato, they were all three home together. The boy felt
as if Asuka had been away for an eternity rather than a couple days. It had all felt so wrong, the
empty room, the quiet mornings; now it would all be right again. Shinji made himself believe
that it would all be right again.
He threw the door open. "Misato!"
"Shinji." The major emerged from her room. "Where did you go?"
The third children ignored the question. "Is she here? How is she?"
"Asuka and I arrived home about a half hour ago. I think she's been in her room since. She's
fine, but . . . Shinji, things haven't changed at all."
The boy's smile disappeared momentarily. "That's okay. I think her being home will help a
lot."
His guardian smiled and cocked her head. "Me too," she said warmly.
"Misato, would it be okay if I . . ." He glanced towards Asuka's room.
The woman thought for a moment. "I don't think it will hurt. But, Shinji . . . just don't expect
too much. She's been through a lot."
"Yeah." 'And I put her through it.' He added silently.
Straightening up and clenching his fists, Shinji slowly walked to Asuka's room. He lifted a hand
and knocked.
"Come in." Came the drained voice of the second children.
"Welcome home." Shinji's smile broadened as he entered the room. They were the first words
he had spoken to the red head in a long time.
Asuka remained with her head pressed into the pillow, trying to decide how she felt. Part of her
was excited. She was genuinely happy to see Shinji. She understood how much he cared for her
and that was what she needed more than anything, someone to care, someone to try to understand
how she felt.
'But he will never understand. He can't.' From a place deep within the second children came a
pain, a hatred. 'He hurt me, hurt me more than anyone ever has.'
Shinji carefully moved over to sit beside his roommate. "How are you feeling?"
"Better," she said quietly.
"That's great." Shinji made small talk. 'Little steps,' he thought. 'Don't expect too much from
her.' "I talked to Rei the other day. They are still running tests . . ."
Asuka's mind wandered as her roommate rambled on. This was a switch. Shinji was talking too
much. She wanted so much to melt into his arms, to let him hold her so tightly that she felt she
would never break free. She didn't allow herself to do so; she couldn't.
". . . So then I went to see Natsumi . . ."
'Natsumi,' Asuka reddened behind her ears. 'He still has Natsumi. He killed the boy I cared
about, but he still has his precious little girl!'
". . . We played checkers and . . ."
"Shinji, I can't."
"Nani?"
"I can't do this. I can't . . . be with you. You hurt me so bad. You hurt me, and you will never
know the pain of it all. You can't know what it is like to finally care for someone, finally break
through and then have him ripped from you. You don't understand what it is to watch helplessly
as you loose someone you care about, someone so frail and defenseless." Her voice was steadily
raising to a high shriek. "I hate you! I have everyone!" She could feel warm tears building, but
she didn't release them. Not now, not for him.
Shinji stared at the girl. She was still so fragile, and he was still hurting her. The last thing he
wanted to do was to cause her pain. "I . . . I understand." He swallowed and stood up. "I'll
leave you alone. But Asuka, I care about you. If you ever need me, I'm here."
She didn't say anything, couldn't for fear of the tears behind her eyes.
Each step cut through Shinji like a knife as he walked towards her door. He felt he was
neglecting his roommate, but it couldn't be helped. He could only hurt her by staying.
Asuka hated herself for what she had just done. There was nothing else she could do. The pain
was just too much.
Misato looked up from the kitchen as Shinji walked out of the room. Seeing her, the boy went
and sat down at the table. He really wanted to be alone at a time like this, but he knew it was no
use. If Shinji went to his room Misato would follow. He may as well join her willingly and get
it over with.
The major was about to ask how it went. Seeing her charge's downcast look, she thought the
better of it. Instead she looked at her watch and realized it was mid afternoon. She didn't doubt
that Shinji had gone without food all day again. He had a lot on his mind these days.
Wordlessly, Misato got up and did something she rarely ever did. She began to prepare a meal
for her ward.
Shinji watched her with slight amusement as she began to boil rice. "It's not your turn to prepare
dinner."
"Can't I do something nice for my charge every now and then."
Shinji cocked an eyebrow. He knew she was doing this out of pity, but it felt okay, and he was
very hungry. "Would you like help?" he asked, grabbing some instant soup to throw over the
rice.
"No instant stuff today, Shinji! Get the lamb!"
"Lamb? You have lamb, Misato?"
"Sure do." She winked. "Kagi took me to an Indian restaurant the other night. The lamb curry
was so yummy, I decided to try some of my own. I made him buy me some lamb. It's in the
fridge."
Skeptically, Shinji opened the fridge. Sure enough, there was a rack of lamb right in the middle.
He took it over to the sink to thaw. Then he got out the curry powder.
"It's going to get better," Misato said, hunched over the thawing lamb.
"I know," answered Shinji who was mixing curry. However he was very cynical about being
forgiven any time soon. They had a better chance of making a fantastic Indian dish than he had
of Asuka putting this incident behind her.
However, the domestic task soon worked it's magic on the boy. What he loved most about
housework was its consuming nature. It was difficult to think of anything else while cooking an
intricate meal or cleaning a room until it sparkled. He smiled at his guardian. She always knew
just what to do to help him forget his troubles, if only for a while.
To Shinji's great surprise, in a couple of hours he and Misato were sitting down to a fabulous
dinner of lamb curry and steamed vegetables. He smiled across at his guardian. "This is great."
"I couldn't have done it without you." She winked.
Shinji ate happily. The food was good. Misato was wonderful. Asuka was home. It wasn't
perfect, or even close, but things were definitely beginning to look up.
Then they heard a soft crying, coming from Asuka's room.