A/N: I don't own Evangelion. This is the last real chapter, but there is an epilogue after it.
Lady Infinity: Thanks, don't worry, no suicide attempts in this fic :)
Sumiki-chan: That was going to be the last chapter, but I wanted to follow up on some ideas
from reviewers. I think you will like this ending better.
Golden Child and Rhine: The last chapter was definitely a bridge, but the fact that two people
picked up on it means I'll have to do some rewriting. Thanks for the insight.
Everybody: Thank you so much for your encouragement. I hope you like the ending.
******************************************************************************
He Who Talks to Angels
Chapter 5
By Veronica Cereta
*****************************************************************************
The quiet sobs carried from Asuka's room to the kitchen.
"I can't do this. Misato, please talk to her."
The major looked across the table at Shinji. A comment about him running away leapt to her
mind, but she refrained. "Okay." She resolutely left her lamb dinner and walked to Asuka's
room.
Shinji watched her walk slowly to the door and knock. After waiting a while, the major entered.
'At least she doesn't hate Misato,' the boy thought, 'At least there is still someone for her.' He
hurriedly ate his dinner and cleared off his plate. Then he wrapped Misato's dish and set it in the
fridge.
After cleaning the kitchen a bit, the third children escaped to his room. He planed to loose
himself in the rhythms of his trusty SDAT. Shinji walked over to the table where he had left the
device that morning, but it wasn't there.
He looked to the floor and saw it, smashed to bits. Picking it up, the boy surveyed the damage.
There was no way it could be repaired. He knew this had been the work of the second children.
Who else would do such a spiteful thing to him. It didn't hurt so much that it was broken. What
hurt was that Asuka had done it. He could easily buy a new SDAT. But this display of his
roommate's rage was further verification of her hatred. He gently placed the useless machine on
the table and lay on his bed, looking up at the ceiling.
However, without his favorite escape, bad thoughts seemed to find him: thoughts of his last
mission, thoughts of murder. Now that his roommate was home, he no longer had concerns
about her health. She was still shaky; she still hated him, but now she had Misato and was going
to be okay. Now he had time to concentrate on himself and he realized that he hated himself. It
was a familiar feeling. Every time he ran away, or acted cowardly he experienced self-loathing,
but it had never been as intense as this. A life was over because of him, a life that Asuka loved.
Of coarse she hated him, he was evil.
'No, I had to do it. Asuka would have died. Or is that just a cop out. Did I really try everything
I could? Couldn't I have fought the angel, or tried to distract it? Couldn't I have done
something, anything?'
The thought kept returning, 'I took a human life.' Shinji sat up in bed and held his head with
both hands. It was reeling with animosity against himself. He had to escape. He had to . . . run
away. Shinji looked over at the table. Even if the SDAT had been working, it wouldn't have
done much good. The pain of this experience was much greater than any he had ever felt. A
couple of songs weren't going to ease it away.
He stood up and walked to the door, while wiping away a few straying tears. He was worthless.
He couldn't even save one little boy; one little boy who Asuka dearly loved. What good was he
to anyone? He had escape. He had to find someone who loved him, who saw his worth. He ran
from his room and out of the apartment. Tears swiftly trickled through lashes squeezed tightly
together, as he hurried along the familiar route to the white, wooden group home.
***************************************************************************
Misato looked down at her charge. Asuka was sobbing onto her pillow. 'She's been doing that a
lot lately,' thought the major, who wanted desperately to curb that trend. However she was at a
loss as to what to do about it. This was an unusual and uncomfortable state for Misato.
Asuka sat up and looked at her guardian through puffy, wet eyes. She knew that any minute now
Misato would start a lecture about how she needed to find a way to forgive Shinji. 'I can't,'
thought the girl. 'This time he has done too much. He hurt me. I hate him.' The red head was a
little surprised that the major had not began to lecture yet.
"I know what you are going to say," began Asuka finally. "You are going to say that I need to
forgive Shinji. That it is best for the both of us."
Misato looked at the girl. "I think you know that. Saying it again won't help at all."
"It's too hard! I can't! I won't!" She was shrieking.
The major was quiet and calm. "It will happen. You need Shinji, and he needs you. I can tell."
Asuka was silent. From somewhere inside came startling realization that Misato was right.
"Hey," the woman broke Asuka's train of thought, "How would you like some lamb curry?"
***************************************************************************
Shinji stood outside the house, relieved to finally be near someone who needed him. He rang the
doorbell. It took quite a while for someone to come to the door. Finally a woman, who Shinji
recognized as one of the respite workers answered. He was a bit surprised that Aibu had not
greeted him.
She extended a hand. "Hi, I'm Kathryn. Can I help you?"
"Umm," he slowly replied. "I'm here to see Natsumi."
"I'm reading her a bed time story."
"Oh," Shinji's excited mood gave way to sorrow.
Noticing the change in the boy, Kathryn smiled, "I guess it would be okay if you read it to her."
Shinji looked up and grinned gratefully. "Domo Arigato."
He and Kathryn climbed the dimly lit stairs to Natsumi's room. Shinji opened the door slowly.
The lights were off except for a lamp by the bed. The little girl was in bed, waiting.
Natsumi sat up and smiled when she saw him. "Hi, Shinji!"
"Hello, Natsumi."
Kathryn entered the room. "Natsumi, Shinji is going to read your bedtime story to you."
"Yea!" the young girl squealed.
Shinji smiled and sat down on the bed. He loved this place, loved Natsumi. He also needed her
to give him strength and help him get through tough times. He needed her to help him find his
worth.
"Read this one!" Natsumi produced a book from under the covers.
The boy looked at the front of the thin paperback. "Five Little Monkeys," he began. "Five little
monkeys, sitting in a tree, tease Mr. Crocodile, 'Can't catch me.'
Kathryn smiled at the pair and eased the door shut.
Shinji watched her leave and then turned to the girl.
Natsumi wasn't looking at the book; she was looking at Shinji. "What's wrong?" she asked.
"Nani?"
"You are sad. What's wrong?"
Was he really that transparent? "Well, I did something very wrong, and I feel bad about it."
"Oh. One time I hit Aibu very hard and he had a bruise and I felt sad for doing it."
"Oh yeah." 'It's not quite the same thing,' thought Shinji, but he appreciated the effort.
"Yeah," she continued. "Then I thought about all the people that love me and I knew I wasn't
bad. Do people love you?"
Shinji thought. He had been deprived of love for so long. He was sure his mother had loved
him, but that was so long ago. Asuka might have loved him, but that was over. Misato, did she
love him? She certainly cared about him, but was it love? He answered, "I don't know."
"Well I love you!" The small girl threw her arms around the third children.
He held her for a moment. "I love you too, Natsumi."
*****************************************************************************
Misato looked across the table at Asuka. The girl's eyes were puffy and red, but the tears had
dried.
"Arigato, Misato," the girl said quietly. "This is really good. And I haven't had meat in a
while!"
"Shinji helped."
Asuka only nodded. Shinji sure was good at domestic tasks. Even though it seemed weak and
feminine, it was a point in his favor; 'and god knows I don't excel at household responsibilities.'
"Asuka," Misato spoke, "is there anything I can do to help you forgive and move on."
With the delicious meal in her stomach, Asuka was calmer, more willing to reason. She thought
logically for a moment. "No. Nobody can do anything. I want Shinji to know what he did, to
feel with I felt. I know that's impossible, but it would be easier if he felt the pain of loosing
someone he had grown attached to, someone he had reached after trying for a while." The
second children was surprised how easy it was for her to discuss her feelings with Misato, but
then the major had always been good at drawing out the best in others, and the red head was tired
of being angry, yelling, and making a scene.
"That eye for an eye stuff isn't healthy. You need to forgive, without hurting him."
'It's a little late for that,' Asuka remembered the SDAT incident. She decided not to mention
that to Misato. "I know, but it would just be easier if he understood."
"Shinji's highly empathetic. I think you've picked up on that. I'm sure he understands without
having to go through it."
"Maybe so, but still . . ."
"I know," said Misato. "Hey, I went drinking with Ritsuko the other night, and we saw the
cutest guy. He was sitting at the end of the bar . . ."
Asuka realized that the major was changing the subject, and she was grateful. The two eased
gracefully into talk about boys and Kaji, but the subject of romance, brought to mind Shinji.
***********************************************************************
"Along comes Mr. Crocodile. SNAP!" When Shinji said 'Snap,' Natsumi raised a hand to give
him a high five. She had done it since MR. Crocodile's first appearance; this was his third.
"Oh, no! Where is he? Now there are only two little monkeys sitting in a tree, tease Mr.
Crocodile, 'Can't catch me.' Along comes Mr. Crocodile. SNAP!" This time no little hand rose
to meet his. He looked at the girl lying next to him.
"Natsumi, are you sleeping?"
"No. . . no. . . I just . . . I . . . I . . ."
Shinji waited for the seizure to end, but it seemed to be taking longer than usual. It was different
from the others. Instead of starring off into space, her eyes were closed tight. She began to
convulse a bit.
"Kathryn," the boy called.
At this point Natsumi was convulsing violently. A string of drool had made its way to her
pillow.
"Kathryn!"
Light streamed into the room as the respite worker threw open the door. She glanced at Natsumi.
"Shinji, stand up. Now we have to turn her onto her side. It will help her breathe easier."
The two wrestled the little girl to her side. Shinji held her there as Kathryn threw a blanket over
her. When she saw the boy's quizzical look she explained, "She might loose control of her
bodily functions. We don't want her to be embarrassed."
Natsumi's comfort was the least of Shinji's concerns. He was afraid she might die. Then he
remembered something from a movie. "Shouldn't we stop her from swallowing her tongue?"
"No. There's more chance of us hurting her by restraining the movements in her mouth, than of
her swallowing her tongue."
"But there is a chance?"
"A small one."
This was unacceptable to the third children. He was used to being in charge. However, there
was nothing to be done. "So she might die?"
Kathryn looked at Shinji, "She probably won't."
The respite worker picked up the phone by the bed and hit the speed dial. Shinji listened
intently. "Dr. Walcot, yes, it's a grand mal . . . about three minutes now . . ."
'Three minutes,' thought the boy, 'it seems like forever. Has it really only been three minutes?'
"Yes Dr., she's lying in bed . . . on her side . . . breathing is regular . . ."
Shinji watched helplessly as the girl went through the seizure. One word kept flashing through
his mind. 'Probably . . . She *probably* won't die . . . She'll *probably* live.' He was useless.
He, Shinji Ikari, who controlled the most powerful weapon in the world, was absolutely useless.
There was nothing he could do to save this girl. Was this what Asuka had felt, what he had made
her feel?
"Dr. the convulsions are getting slower and less violent."
Shinji was jerked from his thoughts. So intense were his emotions that he hadn't even noticed
the little girl's movements slowing and becoming less ridged. Eventually, she stopped moving.
"Natsumi!" Shinji tried not to yell. "Natsumi are you all right!"
The girl's rigid body went peacefully limp. She slowly blinked her eyes open, looking up at the
boy who was holding her by this time.
"What's going on?" she asked quietly.
"Natsumi! Natsumi!" Shinji hugged the girl tightly, grateful she was alive.
"The seizure is over. Yes, Dr., she seems all right. I'll bring her by tomorrow for another check
up." Kathryn put the phone back on the receiver and collapsed into a near by chair. "Thank
God."
Natsumi looked around the room. "Where am I?"
"Poor dear," the respite worker explained, "she'll be a bit disorientated for a little while." She
turned to the girl. "You're in you're bed. You just had a seizure. Your friend, Shinji, was
reading you a bedtime story. I, Kathryn, am just going downstairs." She whispered to the boy,
"I'll be there if you need me."
Shinji nodded.
Natsumi blinked after the woman as she got up and left the room.
The third children gazed at the little girl in his arms. She was so fragile, just like Asuka. "Well .
. . should we start the book over?" He was at a loss for anything else to say.
Natsumi nodded and stared blankly at the pages as Shinji began the story. "Five little monkeys
sitting in a tree. . ."
******************************************************************************
"I'm going to bed." A very sedated Asuka stood up from the table.
Misato nodded and watched her leave. 'She's worn out. Harboring hate takes a lot out of a
person.'
Asuka was grateful for the sanctuary of her dark room. Talking with her guardian had been good
and helpful, but it had also been exhausting. Despite her tragic past, the second children
sometimes forgot how tiring intense emotion could be. She lay in bed and stared up at the
ceiling. 'Why did you have to do it? Why can't it just be the way it was when we were together
and Emi was alive?' She could feel the hatred rising again, but she was too tired to deal with it.
She simply slipped into an agreeable sleep without another thought.
******************************************************************************
"Never tease a crocodile. It's not nice, and it's dangerous." Shinji finished up the story. "Good
night Natsumi." He got up to leave.
"Good night, Shinji." She still had that blank stare, like she didn't quite comprehend her
surroundings, and really didn't care to try. Shinji didn't feel he could be around her much longer
and was sadly grateful to leave her for the night.
Downstairs he found Kathryn sitting at the kitchen table, reading. She looked up from her book
as he entered the room.
Shinji was glad to see her. "Um, Kathryn . . . Natsumi doesn't quite seem herself."
"Yeah, once she sleeps through the night, she'll be fine. She just needs to shake it off. Trust me,
tomorrow she won't remember anything about the seizure. The only way she'll know it even
happened is that she'll have an extra doctor appointment."
"Oh," the boy hoped she was right. "Well, bye."
"Hey," Kathryn stood up. "Are you going to be there tomorrow?"
Shinji thought. "Yeah, I really want to go. I just feel kind of out of place, since it was my fault."
"How could it be your fault that Emi was hit by a car? You don't look old enough to drive."
The third children had been so wrapped up in his problems that he hadn't noticed the cover up.
It wasn't just a story they told Natsumi. It had to be the official scenario. He was slightly
amazed at the efficiency of his father's organization. He also wanted to scream that it was he
who had done it. People had the right to hear the truth. On the other hand, this way nobody
hated him. A few moments passed before he realized that Kathryn was still expecting an answer.
He decided to keep the cover.
"Um . . . I was here when he ran out into the street."
"Oh, I'm sorry. But you must know it's not your fault."
"Yeah, I guess. Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow." Shinji practically bolted from the house. He
felt bad for lying, but since everybody else was . . . 'Well, my father would want me to keep up
the cover.' He was copping out again and he knew it, but maybe this time it was for the better.
***************************************************************************
Asuka rolled over. She had slept for a while, but after the exhaustion had worn off, she realized
that she wasn't very tired at all. She looked at the left wall of her room, then at the right. Then
she lay on her back and looked up at the ceiling. 'I wish something would happen.'
At that moment she heard the apartment door open. Saying a quick prayer of thanks to the gods
of distraction, she listened intently. Distinctly, she heard the door to Shinji's room slide open
and the third children enter.
'What is he doing up so late?' In her head she invented a few explanations. He was running
tests, he was out having fun, he was . . . well, nothing seemed quite right. Her curiosity was
overpowering her hate. 'I can talk to him for a little bit, just to see what he was up to,' she
rationalized.
The second children didn't even bother to knock on the door. Opening it she called, "Shinji-
baka, what are you doing up so late?"
Shinji sat up in bed. He was very surprised to hear his roommate's voice. He stuttered, "I went .
. . to see Natsumi."
The red head rolled her eyes, "What were you doing there so long?"
"She had a seizure. It was . . . scary. I thought she might die."
Asuka was taken a back. She silently chastised herself for wishing her pain onto Shinji earlier
that evening. If anything happened to Natsumi, Shinji would be dejected. "Is . . . Is she okay?"
"Hai. She's alright."
"Good." With genuine gratefulness, Asuka turned to go to her room.
Shinji watched her go. "Arigato, Asuka," he said quietly, then smiled and fell into an easy sleep.
***************************************************************************
The next day, Shinji woke early. It was Saturday, the day of Emi's funeral. He donned a nice
pair of black slacks and a black tie. When he emerged into the hall he was surprised to find
Misato and Asuka already waiting for him. He looked at his roommate. She was beautiful. Her
little black dress hugged her body. Her hair was put up and red ringlets framed her face.
Asuka noticed the boy's gaze and smiled. Then, remembering that she hated him, she looked
away quickly. Shinji didn't mind so much, things were getting better, just as Misato had said
they would.
The three walked silently to Misato's car and drove to the cemetery. Shinji wasn't sure what
religion Emi had been, or if he even had one. The ceremony was going to be a simple,
nondenominational service. They would stand around the casket, loved ones would talk, and
everybody would say good bye to the little boy.
Shinji couldn't quite tell if the silence in the car was in reverence to the dead or because of lack
of anything to say. It was the first time the three of them had been together since the incident.
Maybe they were all nervous. At any rate, Shinji would not be the one to break a silence.
Asuka stared ahead. She wanted to say something, to let Shinji know that she didn't really hate
him, that she finally understood, and knew that he understood as well. But her pride wouldn't
allow her to speak, so she observed the silence.
Misato was concentrating on the road. She wanted to say something to make the two children
make up, but she also wanted to avoid a scene this morning. It seemed her charges were on their
way to reconciliation and she didn't want to ruin that. She kept her mouth shut.
So in perfect silence they arrived at the cemetery. It was a small plot of land just outside Tokyo
Three. They walked through the rows of grave markers towards a place where a crowd had
gathered. They couldn't see the casket yet, for all the people, but a bright red Japanese maple
shaded the plot. There was a little creek running by the tree. It was the perfect place for a little
boy to rest.
As they approached, Shinji noticed a blue haired girl in the crowd. After clearing it with Misato,
and more importantly Asuka, he went over to talk to the first children.
Rei looked up as Shinji neared. She was happy to see the boy and this surprised her a little.
"Hello, Shinji."
"Hi, Rei. What are you doing here?"
Rei paused for a moment while she wrestled with her feelings. "I . . . I . . .just thought I would
be here . . . for . . . you . . .you know, if you needed me, or something."
Shinji was shocked and very amused. He had never seen the girl at a loss for words, and never
so full of emotion. "Arigato," he smiled. "You're a great friend."
Rei was taken a back. 'Friend.' In one word Shinji had given a title to the feelings that she
could not decipher. Friend. It was a warm word, a secure word. Rei liked it; she liked being a
friend to Shinji. She smiled, "Arigato, Shinji."
"Well, I'm going to get back to Asuka. I just wanted to say hi."
Rei understood. The feelings she had of wanting to help Shinji were the same ones he harbored
for Asuka. She nodded in agreement as Shinji slowly walked away.
'Friend,' she mused, turning to face the casket.
***********************************************************************
Shortly after Shinji had left Misato had found her high school friend, Kathryn. Asuka, slightly
bored, began scanning the crowd. It was full of Emi's teachers, relatives and classmates. It was
the classmates who caught the second children's eye. One boy in particular, he was a skinny
little thing with thick black hair. By his self-stemmed behaviors, flapping his arms, staring into
space, it was evident that he had a disorder very similar to Emi's. The red head approached him.
"Hello."
He completely ignored her, focusing on his hands instead.
"Are you autistic?" She tried to look into his eyes. "What is it like in that world of yours?"
He looked at her for a brief moment and then went back to his hand.
She smiled, "I bet I could break into you're world. I've done it before, you know."
Asuka was suddenly overcome with an intense desire to get to know this boy, to help him break
free. Then she noticed the others, a little girl using sign language with an older woman, a boy
sitting in a wheelchair staring blankly ahead. She wanted to help them all. This desire was
completely new to Asuka. Until this point all the second children had ever wanted to do was
pilot her Eva to earn the praise of others. Now, looking around, she had a drive to . . . study
special education. Maybe someday the angels would stop coming. Maybe she wouldn't always
be able to pilot. That thought had been unthinkable at one point, but now she had something
tangible to hang onto. She had hope that there may be life after Eva.
She looked at the children and thought of how great it would be to help them, to make a
difference; a boy using the white cane when he walked, a girl using a book with pictures to
communicate, a girl with a helmet running to . . . Shinji?
Asuka looked closer. It was Natsumi. The red head smiled happily as the little girl and boy
embraced. 'He'll make a good father some day,' she thought for a second time.
***********************************************************************
Shinji had seen Natsumi coming from a ways a way. Despite his good clothes and the crowd
gathered, he ran to meet her. The little girl jumped into his arms.
"Hi, Shinji!"
"Hi, Natsumi. How are you?"
"Just great! Look what Kathryn bought me, because I have to go to the doctor today." She
proudly held up a small model dinosaur. "It's a dienonychus. It was smart and strong and only
as big as a man, but eleven feet long . . ."
Shinji grinned broadly. Natsumi was back to her normal self. She was going to be just fine.
With that realization, his thoughts turned once again to Asuka. He waited patiently for the girl to
finish talking. "That's great, Natsumi, but now I have to go see a friend."
"I'll come with you."
Shinji looked around, wondering if it was okay. Then he noticed Natsumi's respite worker
talking to Misato. "Sure, come on." He took her hand and led her to his guardian and
roommate.
The third children walked over and stood next to the second. He still held Natsumi's hand
tightly. Looking over at his roommate, Shinji noticed her smile, and the new life behind her
eyes. This made him bolder.
He whispered, "I know it doesn't mean much, but . . . I'm here for you."
Asuka turned to look into his eyes. He was so sincere, so . . . loving. And she was so tired of
hating him. She was still mad, and would be for a long time. But now she had something else to
cling to. Now she had hope.
"Actually, Shinji, it means a lot," she whispered, taking his hand.
He had watched her come through so much. Often she seemed fragile, but she was truly strong,
truly wonderful. Holding on to Natsumi with one hand and her with the other, he felt like he
could do anything, say anything, and he did. "Asuka . . . I love you."
The red head's eyes welled up with tears. As the celebrant began his talk she could only reply,
"I know." Someday when the pain had numbed and the memories faded, she would be able to
say those three words back. She knew it, Shinji knew it, and for the moment, that was enough.
Lady Infinity: Thanks, don't worry, no suicide attempts in this fic :)
Sumiki-chan: That was going to be the last chapter, but I wanted to follow up on some ideas
from reviewers. I think you will like this ending better.
Golden Child and Rhine: The last chapter was definitely a bridge, but the fact that two people
picked up on it means I'll have to do some rewriting. Thanks for the insight.
Everybody: Thank you so much for your encouragement. I hope you like the ending.
******************************************************************************
He Who Talks to Angels
Chapter 5
By Veronica Cereta
*****************************************************************************
The quiet sobs carried from Asuka's room to the kitchen.
"I can't do this. Misato, please talk to her."
The major looked across the table at Shinji. A comment about him running away leapt to her
mind, but she refrained. "Okay." She resolutely left her lamb dinner and walked to Asuka's
room.
Shinji watched her walk slowly to the door and knock. After waiting a while, the major entered.
'At least she doesn't hate Misato,' the boy thought, 'At least there is still someone for her.' He
hurriedly ate his dinner and cleared off his plate. Then he wrapped Misato's dish and set it in the
fridge.
After cleaning the kitchen a bit, the third children escaped to his room. He planed to loose
himself in the rhythms of his trusty SDAT. Shinji walked over to the table where he had left the
device that morning, but it wasn't there.
He looked to the floor and saw it, smashed to bits. Picking it up, the boy surveyed the damage.
There was no way it could be repaired. He knew this had been the work of the second children.
Who else would do such a spiteful thing to him. It didn't hurt so much that it was broken. What
hurt was that Asuka had done it. He could easily buy a new SDAT. But this display of his
roommate's rage was further verification of her hatred. He gently placed the useless machine on
the table and lay on his bed, looking up at the ceiling.
However, without his favorite escape, bad thoughts seemed to find him: thoughts of his last
mission, thoughts of murder. Now that his roommate was home, he no longer had concerns
about her health. She was still shaky; she still hated him, but now she had Misato and was going
to be okay. Now he had time to concentrate on himself and he realized that he hated himself. It
was a familiar feeling. Every time he ran away, or acted cowardly he experienced self-loathing,
but it had never been as intense as this. A life was over because of him, a life that Asuka loved.
Of coarse she hated him, he was evil.
'No, I had to do it. Asuka would have died. Or is that just a cop out. Did I really try everything
I could? Couldn't I have fought the angel, or tried to distract it? Couldn't I have done
something, anything?'
The thought kept returning, 'I took a human life.' Shinji sat up in bed and held his head with
both hands. It was reeling with animosity against himself. He had to escape. He had to . . . run
away. Shinji looked over at the table. Even if the SDAT had been working, it wouldn't have
done much good. The pain of this experience was much greater than any he had ever felt. A
couple of songs weren't going to ease it away.
He stood up and walked to the door, while wiping away a few straying tears. He was worthless.
He couldn't even save one little boy; one little boy who Asuka dearly loved. What good was he
to anyone? He had escape. He had to find someone who loved him, who saw his worth. He ran
from his room and out of the apartment. Tears swiftly trickled through lashes squeezed tightly
together, as he hurried along the familiar route to the white, wooden group home.
***************************************************************************
Misato looked down at her charge. Asuka was sobbing onto her pillow. 'She's been doing that a
lot lately,' thought the major, who wanted desperately to curb that trend. However she was at a
loss as to what to do about it. This was an unusual and uncomfortable state for Misato.
Asuka sat up and looked at her guardian through puffy, wet eyes. She knew that any minute now
Misato would start a lecture about how she needed to find a way to forgive Shinji. 'I can't,'
thought the girl. 'This time he has done too much. He hurt me. I hate him.' The red head was a
little surprised that the major had not began to lecture yet.
"I know what you are going to say," began Asuka finally. "You are going to say that I need to
forgive Shinji. That it is best for the both of us."
Misato looked at the girl. "I think you know that. Saying it again won't help at all."
"It's too hard! I can't! I won't!" She was shrieking.
The major was quiet and calm. "It will happen. You need Shinji, and he needs you. I can tell."
Asuka was silent. From somewhere inside came startling realization that Misato was right.
"Hey," the woman broke Asuka's train of thought, "How would you like some lamb curry?"
***************************************************************************
Shinji stood outside the house, relieved to finally be near someone who needed him. He rang the
doorbell. It took quite a while for someone to come to the door. Finally a woman, who Shinji
recognized as one of the respite workers answered. He was a bit surprised that Aibu had not
greeted him.
She extended a hand. "Hi, I'm Kathryn. Can I help you?"
"Umm," he slowly replied. "I'm here to see Natsumi."
"I'm reading her a bed time story."
"Oh," Shinji's excited mood gave way to sorrow.
Noticing the change in the boy, Kathryn smiled, "I guess it would be okay if you read it to her."
Shinji looked up and grinned gratefully. "Domo Arigato."
He and Kathryn climbed the dimly lit stairs to Natsumi's room. Shinji opened the door slowly.
The lights were off except for a lamp by the bed. The little girl was in bed, waiting.
Natsumi sat up and smiled when she saw him. "Hi, Shinji!"
"Hello, Natsumi."
Kathryn entered the room. "Natsumi, Shinji is going to read your bedtime story to you."
"Yea!" the young girl squealed.
Shinji smiled and sat down on the bed. He loved this place, loved Natsumi. He also needed her
to give him strength and help him get through tough times. He needed her to help him find his
worth.
"Read this one!" Natsumi produced a book from under the covers.
The boy looked at the front of the thin paperback. "Five Little Monkeys," he began. "Five little
monkeys, sitting in a tree, tease Mr. Crocodile, 'Can't catch me.'
Kathryn smiled at the pair and eased the door shut.
Shinji watched her leave and then turned to the girl.
Natsumi wasn't looking at the book; she was looking at Shinji. "What's wrong?" she asked.
"Nani?"
"You are sad. What's wrong?"
Was he really that transparent? "Well, I did something very wrong, and I feel bad about it."
"Oh. One time I hit Aibu very hard and he had a bruise and I felt sad for doing it."
"Oh yeah." 'It's not quite the same thing,' thought Shinji, but he appreciated the effort.
"Yeah," she continued. "Then I thought about all the people that love me and I knew I wasn't
bad. Do people love you?"
Shinji thought. He had been deprived of love for so long. He was sure his mother had loved
him, but that was so long ago. Asuka might have loved him, but that was over. Misato, did she
love him? She certainly cared about him, but was it love? He answered, "I don't know."
"Well I love you!" The small girl threw her arms around the third children.
He held her for a moment. "I love you too, Natsumi."
*****************************************************************************
Misato looked across the table at Asuka. The girl's eyes were puffy and red, but the tears had
dried.
"Arigato, Misato," the girl said quietly. "This is really good. And I haven't had meat in a
while!"
"Shinji helped."
Asuka only nodded. Shinji sure was good at domestic tasks. Even though it seemed weak and
feminine, it was a point in his favor; 'and god knows I don't excel at household responsibilities.'
"Asuka," Misato spoke, "is there anything I can do to help you forgive and move on."
With the delicious meal in her stomach, Asuka was calmer, more willing to reason. She thought
logically for a moment. "No. Nobody can do anything. I want Shinji to know what he did, to
feel with I felt. I know that's impossible, but it would be easier if he felt the pain of loosing
someone he had grown attached to, someone he had reached after trying for a while." The
second children was surprised how easy it was for her to discuss her feelings with Misato, but
then the major had always been good at drawing out the best in others, and the red head was tired
of being angry, yelling, and making a scene.
"That eye for an eye stuff isn't healthy. You need to forgive, without hurting him."
'It's a little late for that,' Asuka remembered the SDAT incident. She decided not to mention
that to Misato. "I know, but it would just be easier if he understood."
"Shinji's highly empathetic. I think you've picked up on that. I'm sure he understands without
having to go through it."
"Maybe so, but still . . ."
"I know," said Misato. "Hey, I went drinking with Ritsuko the other night, and we saw the
cutest guy. He was sitting at the end of the bar . . ."
Asuka realized that the major was changing the subject, and she was grateful. The two eased
gracefully into talk about boys and Kaji, but the subject of romance, brought to mind Shinji.
***********************************************************************
"Along comes Mr. Crocodile. SNAP!" When Shinji said 'Snap,' Natsumi raised a hand to give
him a high five. She had done it since MR. Crocodile's first appearance; this was his third.
"Oh, no! Where is he? Now there are only two little monkeys sitting in a tree, tease Mr.
Crocodile, 'Can't catch me.' Along comes Mr. Crocodile. SNAP!" This time no little hand rose
to meet his. He looked at the girl lying next to him.
"Natsumi, are you sleeping?"
"No. . . no. . . I just . . . I . . . I . . ."
Shinji waited for the seizure to end, but it seemed to be taking longer than usual. It was different
from the others. Instead of starring off into space, her eyes were closed tight. She began to
convulse a bit.
"Kathryn," the boy called.
At this point Natsumi was convulsing violently. A string of drool had made its way to her
pillow.
"Kathryn!"
Light streamed into the room as the respite worker threw open the door. She glanced at Natsumi.
"Shinji, stand up. Now we have to turn her onto her side. It will help her breathe easier."
The two wrestled the little girl to her side. Shinji held her there as Kathryn threw a blanket over
her. When she saw the boy's quizzical look she explained, "She might loose control of her
bodily functions. We don't want her to be embarrassed."
Natsumi's comfort was the least of Shinji's concerns. He was afraid she might die. Then he
remembered something from a movie. "Shouldn't we stop her from swallowing her tongue?"
"No. There's more chance of us hurting her by restraining the movements in her mouth, than of
her swallowing her tongue."
"But there is a chance?"
"A small one."
This was unacceptable to the third children. He was used to being in charge. However, there
was nothing to be done. "So she might die?"
Kathryn looked at Shinji, "She probably won't."
The respite worker picked up the phone by the bed and hit the speed dial. Shinji listened
intently. "Dr. Walcot, yes, it's a grand mal . . . about three minutes now . . ."
'Three minutes,' thought the boy, 'it seems like forever. Has it really only been three minutes?'
"Yes Dr., she's lying in bed . . . on her side . . . breathing is regular . . ."
Shinji watched helplessly as the girl went through the seizure. One word kept flashing through
his mind. 'Probably . . . She *probably* won't die . . . She'll *probably* live.' He was useless.
He, Shinji Ikari, who controlled the most powerful weapon in the world, was absolutely useless.
There was nothing he could do to save this girl. Was this what Asuka had felt, what he had made
her feel?
"Dr. the convulsions are getting slower and less violent."
Shinji was jerked from his thoughts. So intense were his emotions that he hadn't even noticed
the little girl's movements slowing and becoming less ridged. Eventually, she stopped moving.
"Natsumi!" Shinji tried not to yell. "Natsumi are you all right!"
The girl's rigid body went peacefully limp. She slowly blinked her eyes open, looking up at the
boy who was holding her by this time.
"What's going on?" she asked quietly.
"Natsumi! Natsumi!" Shinji hugged the girl tightly, grateful she was alive.
"The seizure is over. Yes, Dr., she seems all right. I'll bring her by tomorrow for another check
up." Kathryn put the phone back on the receiver and collapsed into a near by chair. "Thank
God."
Natsumi looked around the room. "Where am I?"
"Poor dear," the respite worker explained, "she'll be a bit disorientated for a little while." She
turned to the girl. "You're in you're bed. You just had a seizure. Your friend, Shinji, was
reading you a bedtime story. I, Kathryn, am just going downstairs." She whispered to the boy,
"I'll be there if you need me."
Shinji nodded.
Natsumi blinked after the woman as she got up and left the room.
The third children gazed at the little girl in his arms. She was so fragile, just like Asuka. "Well .
. . should we start the book over?" He was at a loss for anything else to say.
Natsumi nodded and stared blankly at the pages as Shinji began the story. "Five little monkeys
sitting in a tree. . ."
******************************************************************************
"I'm going to bed." A very sedated Asuka stood up from the table.
Misato nodded and watched her leave. 'She's worn out. Harboring hate takes a lot out of a
person.'
Asuka was grateful for the sanctuary of her dark room. Talking with her guardian had been good
and helpful, but it had also been exhausting. Despite her tragic past, the second children
sometimes forgot how tiring intense emotion could be. She lay in bed and stared up at the
ceiling. 'Why did you have to do it? Why can't it just be the way it was when we were together
and Emi was alive?' She could feel the hatred rising again, but she was too tired to deal with it.
She simply slipped into an agreeable sleep without another thought.
******************************************************************************
"Never tease a crocodile. It's not nice, and it's dangerous." Shinji finished up the story. "Good
night Natsumi." He got up to leave.
"Good night, Shinji." She still had that blank stare, like she didn't quite comprehend her
surroundings, and really didn't care to try. Shinji didn't feel he could be around her much longer
and was sadly grateful to leave her for the night.
Downstairs he found Kathryn sitting at the kitchen table, reading. She looked up from her book
as he entered the room.
Shinji was glad to see her. "Um, Kathryn . . . Natsumi doesn't quite seem herself."
"Yeah, once she sleeps through the night, she'll be fine. She just needs to shake it off. Trust me,
tomorrow she won't remember anything about the seizure. The only way she'll know it even
happened is that she'll have an extra doctor appointment."
"Oh," the boy hoped she was right. "Well, bye."
"Hey," Kathryn stood up. "Are you going to be there tomorrow?"
Shinji thought. "Yeah, I really want to go. I just feel kind of out of place, since it was my fault."
"How could it be your fault that Emi was hit by a car? You don't look old enough to drive."
The third children had been so wrapped up in his problems that he hadn't noticed the cover up.
It wasn't just a story they told Natsumi. It had to be the official scenario. He was slightly
amazed at the efficiency of his father's organization. He also wanted to scream that it was he
who had done it. People had the right to hear the truth. On the other hand, this way nobody
hated him. A few moments passed before he realized that Kathryn was still expecting an answer.
He decided to keep the cover.
"Um . . . I was here when he ran out into the street."
"Oh, I'm sorry. But you must know it's not your fault."
"Yeah, I guess. Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow." Shinji practically bolted from the house. He
felt bad for lying, but since everybody else was . . . 'Well, my father would want me to keep up
the cover.' He was copping out again and he knew it, but maybe this time it was for the better.
***************************************************************************
Asuka rolled over. She had slept for a while, but after the exhaustion had worn off, she realized
that she wasn't very tired at all. She looked at the left wall of her room, then at the right. Then
she lay on her back and looked up at the ceiling. 'I wish something would happen.'
At that moment she heard the apartment door open. Saying a quick prayer of thanks to the gods
of distraction, she listened intently. Distinctly, she heard the door to Shinji's room slide open
and the third children enter.
'What is he doing up so late?' In her head she invented a few explanations. He was running
tests, he was out having fun, he was . . . well, nothing seemed quite right. Her curiosity was
overpowering her hate. 'I can talk to him for a little bit, just to see what he was up to,' she
rationalized.
The second children didn't even bother to knock on the door. Opening it she called, "Shinji-
baka, what are you doing up so late?"
Shinji sat up in bed. He was very surprised to hear his roommate's voice. He stuttered, "I went .
. . to see Natsumi."
The red head rolled her eyes, "What were you doing there so long?"
"She had a seizure. It was . . . scary. I thought she might die."
Asuka was taken a back. She silently chastised herself for wishing her pain onto Shinji earlier
that evening. If anything happened to Natsumi, Shinji would be dejected. "Is . . . Is she okay?"
"Hai. She's alright."
"Good." With genuine gratefulness, Asuka turned to go to her room.
Shinji watched her go. "Arigato, Asuka," he said quietly, then smiled and fell into an easy sleep.
***************************************************************************
The next day, Shinji woke early. It was Saturday, the day of Emi's funeral. He donned a nice
pair of black slacks and a black tie. When he emerged into the hall he was surprised to find
Misato and Asuka already waiting for him. He looked at his roommate. She was beautiful. Her
little black dress hugged her body. Her hair was put up and red ringlets framed her face.
Asuka noticed the boy's gaze and smiled. Then, remembering that she hated him, she looked
away quickly. Shinji didn't mind so much, things were getting better, just as Misato had said
they would.
The three walked silently to Misato's car and drove to the cemetery. Shinji wasn't sure what
religion Emi had been, or if he even had one. The ceremony was going to be a simple,
nondenominational service. They would stand around the casket, loved ones would talk, and
everybody would say good bye to the little boy.
Shinji couldn't quite tell if the silence in the car was in reverence to the dead or because of lack
of anything to say. It was the first time the three of them had been together since the incident.
Maybe they were all nervous. At any rate, Shinji would not be the one to break a silence.
Asuka stared ahead. She wanted to say something, to let Shinji know that she didn't really hate
him, that she finally understood, and knew that he understood as well. But her pride wouldn't
allow her to speak, so she observed the silence.
Misato was concentrating on the road. She wanted to say something to make the two children
make up, but she also wanted to avoid a scene this morning. It seemed her charges were on their
way to reconciliation and she didn't want to ruin that. She kept her mouth shut.
So in perfect silence they arrived at the cemetery. It was a small plot of land just outside Tokyo
Three. They walked through the rows of grave markers towards a place where a crowd had
gathered. They couldn't see the casket yet, for all the people, but a bright red Japanese maple
shaded the plot. There was a little creek running by the tree. It was the perfect place for a little
boy to rest.
As they approached, Shinji noticed a blue haired girl in the crowd. After clearing it with Misato,
and more importantly Asuka, he went over to talk to the first children.
Rei looked up as Shinji neared. She was happy to see the boy and this surprised her a little.
"Hello, Shinji."
"Hi, Rei. What are you doing here?"
Rei paused for a moment while she wrestled with her feelings. "I . . . I . . .just thought I would
be here . . . for . . . you . . .you know, if you needed me, or something."
Shinji was shocked and very amused. He had never seen the girl at a loss for words, and never
so full of emotion. "Arigato," he smiled. "You're a great friend."
Rei was taken a back. 'Friend.' In one word Shinji had given a title to the feelings that she
could not decipher. Friend. It was a warm word, a secure word. Rei liked it; she liked being a
friend to Shinji. She smiled, "Arigato, Shinji."
"Well, I'm going to get back to Asuka. I just wanted to say hi."
Rei understood. The feelings she had of wanting to help Shinji were the same ones he harbored
for Asuka. She nodded in agreement as Shinji slowly walked away.
'Friend,' she mused, turning to face the casket.
***********************************************************************
Shortly after Shinji had left Misato had found her high school friend, Kathryn. Asuka, slightly
bored, began scanning the crowd. It was full of Emi's teachers, relatives and classmates. It was
the classmates who caught the second children's eye. One boy in particular, he was a skinny
little thing with thick black hair. By his self-stemmed behaviors, flapping his arms, staring into
space, it was evident that he had a disorder very similar to Emi's. The red head approached him.
"Hello."
He completely ignored her, focusing on his hands instead.
"Are you autistic?" She tried to look into his eyes. "What is it like in that world of yours?"
He looked at her for a brief moment and then went back to his hand.
She smiled, "I bet I could break into you're world. I've done it before, you know."
Asuka was suddenly overcome with an intense desire to get to know this boy, to help him break
free. Then she noticed the others, a little girl using sign language with an older woman, a boy
sitting in a wheelchair staring blankly ahead. She wanted to help them all. This desire was
completely new to Asuka. Until this point all the second children had ever wanted to do was
pilot her Eva to earn the praise of others. Now, looking around, she had a drive to . . . study
special education. Maybe someday the angels would stop coming. Maybe she wouldn't always
be able to pilot. That thought had been unthinkable at one point, but now she had something
tangible to hang onto. She had hope that there may be life after Eva.
She looked at the children and thought of how great it would be to help them, to make a
difference; a boy using the white cane when he walked, a girl using a book with pictures to
communicate, a girl with a helmet running to . . . Shinji?
Asuka looked closer. It was Natsumi. The red head smiled happily as the little girl and boy
embraced. 'He'll make a good father some day,' she thought for a second time.
***********************************************************************
Shinji had seen Natsumi coming from a ways a way. Despite his good clothes and the crowd
gathered, he ran to meet her. The little girl jumped into his arms.
"Hi, Shinji!"
"Hi, Natsumi. How are you?"
"Just great! Look what Kathryn bought me, because I have to go to the doctor today." She
proudly held up a small model dinosaur. "It's a dienonychus. It was smart and strong and only
as big as a man, but eleven feet long . . ."
Shinji grinned broadly. Natsumi was back to her normal self. She was going to be just fine.
With that realization, his thoughts turned once again to Asuka. He waited patiently for the girl to
finish talking. "That's great, Natsumi, but now I have to go see a friend."
"I'll come with you."
Shinji looked around, wondering if it was okay. Then he noticed Natsumi's respite worker
talking to Misato. "Sure, come on." He took her hand and led her to his guardian and
roommate.
The third children walked over and stood next to the second. He still held Natsumi's hand
tightly. Looking over at his roommate, Shinji noticed her smile, and the new life behind her
eyes. This made him bolder.
He whispered, "I know it doesn't mean much, but . . . I'm here for you."
Asuka turned to look into his eyes. He was so sincere, so . . . loving. And she was so tired of
hating him. She was still mad, and would be for a long time. But now she had something else to
cling to. Now she had hope.
"Actually, Shinji, it means a lot," she whispered, taking his hand.
He had watched her come through so much. Often she seemed fragile, but she was truly strong,
truly wonderful. Holding on to Natsumi with one hand and her with the other, he felt like he
could do anything, say anything, and he did. "Asuka . . . I love you."
The red head's eyes welled up with tears. As the celebrant began his talk she could only reply,
"I know." Someday when the pain had numbed and the memories faded, she would be able to
say those three words back. She knew it, Shinji knew it, and for the moment, that was enough.