"Three Words"
by Jedi Rune
Disclaimer: I wish they were mine, I wish I wish I wish...damn. Oh well. Still belong to Lucas, kids.
Obi-Wan curled up beside the body of his Master and wept. For hours, it seemed, he had sat beside Qui-Gon, holding him, that fatal scene replaying in his mind- the final thrust of the red blade, the look of complete shock and pain on his Master's face. Obi-Wan's scream of denial echoed in his own ears like background music that would never fade.
It did not matter that he had avenged his Master's death; Obi-Wan cared nothing that Darth Maul was probably still falling in halves down that endless shaft. It did not even matter that his lightsaber had been lost during the battle. None of it had prevented Qui-Gon from dying, therefore none of it mattered.
"Oh, Master," he cried into the tunic of the man he had seen as a father, "why did you leave me?"
Obi-Wan shook with sobs and huddled even closer to Qui-Gon's body. He had long since covered the mortal wound staining his Master's chest; he couldn't bear to look at it. He wanted to pretend for just a while, a short while in time, that his Master was not dead. Obi-Wan raised his head up to look at Qui-Gon's face. The tears flowed from the Padawan's eyes even more now- Qui-Gon looked so still, so at peace. As if dreaming.
The Padawan reached up with a trembling hand and ran his cold fingers through his Master's greying hair. His hand trailed across the pallid face and finally rested on his forehead. Weeping silently, Obi-Wan struggled to lift himself up from where he lay beside his Master. He placed a gentle kiss on Qui-Gon's forehead, his tears streaming down to fall on his Master's face.
"I never told you," he whispered brokenly, "how much you really meant to me. I couldn't bring myself to thank you. Foolishly, I had always thought that there would be time." He lost his eyesight as the tears welled up again. "And now I know. . . there never will be time. Master, I. . . words almost can't express the love and thankfulness that I feel. For so long, you have been my mentor, my teacher; you supported me in everything, sometimes even when you knew I was wrong. Because you thought that the important thing was that I knew you cared. And I watched you-every day of our lives. I noticed your kindness and your trust, I could hear your unspoken love for me echo in everything that you did. You were my father, and I loved you as a son, as if I had truly been yours by blood. I'm so sorry that I never told you."
Obi-Wan collapsed onto his Master's chest, hugging the Jedi's body tightly as if in doing so he could bring Qui-Gon back to life. His Padawan braid brushed his Master's unresponsive face; Obi-Wan knew that soon he would lose even that fragile connection that had bound them together. "I won't fail you," he said softly as he wrapped his arms around Qui-Gon's shoulders and hugged him close. "I will train the boy." He buried his face in his Master's Jedi tunic, his tears disappearing in the folds of cloth.
Obi-Wan sighed deeply. The last thing he heard before he lost consciousness was the memory of his Master speaking his name.
***************************
Obi-Wan came to slowly. His head felt foggy and the bright light shining on his eyes annoyed him. He cautiously sat up and risked a look. What he saw startled him. He was in the middle of a lush forest, surrounded by nothing but trees, sunlight, and the singing of birds. "Where am I?" he wondered.
Suddenly he remembered everything. It all came crashing back to him as if a waterfall had abruptly opened above his head.
Obi-Wan leapt to his feet in near hysteria. Where was his Master's body? Had someone taken his Master away while he slept? Obi-Wan desperately scanned the area. The last thing he recalled was lying down on the cold metal floor beside his Master's body. How had he gotten here, to this forest?
"Who do you seek?" a quiet voice asked.
Obi-Wan whirled. In front of him sat a little boy, no more than ten years of age; he had not been there a second ago.
"Who are you?" Obi-Wan asked dumbly. But before the child even answered, the Padawan knew. He could see it in the eyes and in the face, and even in the way he sat there, body upright yet relaxed; he was a shadow of the man Obi-Wan adored and respected above all others.
"My name is Qui-Gon," the child said. His face lightened with a smile. "But you already knew that. Who are you?"
"Obi-Wan Kenobi." Seeing his Master so young, so innocent, and yet still with the developing physical and mental sketches of who he would grow up to become drove Obi-Wan to his knees. He fell to the mossy floor and remained there, paralyzed, tears spilling down his face.
"Why are you crying?" the child asked gently. His eyes- wise for one so young, and filled with sad blue and grey colors- observed the shivering man in front of him. "It is a beautiful day. Tears do not become it." He smiled sadly down at Obi-Wan.
"You..." Obi-Wan tried to speak, but failed. He cleared his throat and made a second attempt. "Please... Tell me where this is. Why am I here?"
"This is my home planet. It is where I was born." A distant look grew in the child's eyes. "Do you hear that? The forest is alive... All around us it speaks. I can hear it crying."
Obi-Wan tried to concentrate. Even at a young age his Master had already begun to connect strongly with the Living Force.
"We are dreaming," Qui-Gon said.
Obi-Wan took the comment without question. For some reason, he knew that it was true. "We're sharing the same dream?" he asked hesitantly.
"Yes, but in different times. You are having it sometime far away from my present; yet, I am dreaming this in what is to you many years in the past."
Obi-Wan nodded. "I understand. But why are we here?"
"I can tell by your face that you have need of help. You have just faced something very difficult-something painful."
"And you," Obi-Wan asked softly, "what is bothering you?"
The child's sad eyes stared back at him. For the first time, Obi-Wan noticed the dark shadows that surrounded them; he doubted the boy had slept much in the past few weeks. Qui-Gon waited until he was fully in control of his emotions before speaking. Still, a glimmer of deep pain hovered over his features. "A month ago, my planet was attacked by invaders. They began to destroy everything; in a matter of days, nearly all life on the planet was gone. My parents and I, along with a few others, were some of the lucky ones. We managed to escape that first attack. We fled to the surrounding hills in the hopes that someone would come and rescue us." The boy closed his eyes, a look of grief flashing across his face. "Two weeks ago, we were discovered by the invaders." A tear escaped his tight control and rolled down his cheek. "I alone survived."
Obi-Wan's eyes were wide with shock. He had not known this about his Master's past. Suddenly, he thought about the look in his Master's eyes, that sad, far-away gaze that he seemed to carry with him wherever he went; even when enjoying himself or talking with his Padawan, it never quite left. And now Obi-Wan knew why. He also understood now the reason for his Master's compassion and empathy with all living creatures, especially those who suffered. Qui-Gon understood-had understood ever since he was a little boy. He had learned what it was like to suffer and to be alone too early in life. The thought of his Master's soothing voice and compassionate glance left Obi-Wan reeling with tears. He would never see that look on his Master's face or be comforted by his gentle voice again.
"You're thinking of what or who you left behind-of what you've lost," the child said quietly, easing through Obi-Wan's despairing thoughts. "Sometimes talking about it helps you to heal."
Obi-Wan nodded mutely. He couldn't bring himself to say the words. He looked up at the child who would become the man he loved- and the Master he'd lost. How could he tell the boy that it was he that he grieved for?
"It is alright," Qui-Gon said gently. "I know what it is like to feel the pain of loss." He smiled at Obi-Wan's startled look. "Yes, I know that you mourn someone you love; I recognize it in your eyes. It is a pain that strikes deeper than fear." He kneeled beside Obi-Wan and forced the older man to look at him. "There is no shame in grief, or even anger, at what has happened. Just be careful that it does not consume you. If the one you mourn cared for you as much as you do for him, then he would not want you to give in to despair. Even in death, there is hope. You may take time to grieve-- everyone does-- but eventually, if you escape the despair, then you will see the hope that lies beyond."
Obi-Wan's tear filled eyes looked up into the child's compassionate ones. The Padawan could not escape that glance-it had been the same one that had comforted him so many times in the past. His face twitched into the shadow of a smile. Even without knowing it, his Master had returned from death to comfort him.
"Tell me about the one you lost," Qui-Gon said softly. "Was he your father? A close friend?"
Obi-Wan nodded. When he finally began to speak, his words came out choppily as if he had to force himself to say it. Gradually, though, his hesitation fell away and he began to talk rapidly, like the words were falling straight from his soul to his lips. "He was both to me," he began. "Father and friend. He was... he was my Master. I admired him and... I cared for him. He was the first person to show me what love was-I could feel his love for me in everything that he did. He didn't need to say it because I knew. He showed me everyday." He smiled and tugged on his Padawan braid as if remembering. "He taught me everything-how to love, how to live my life serving others... compassion. He taught me what it was like to feel loved so completely that you... that you feel in harmony with the other's thoughts and actions. We knew when each other was in pain or suffering. . . and we healed each other. We could communicate deeper than words... I was his Padawan learner. My Master taught me well. Even beyond being a Jedi. He taught me things that have saved my life and enriched it. He showed me how to win with honor and, more importantly, how to lose with dignity. Knowing him has been the best thing that ever happened to me." Tears stung his eyes. "That's why losing him is so hard..."
The child did not respond, but merely offered Obi-Wan his silent support and willingness to listen.
The Padawan continued. "It's so ironic," he said bitterly. "My Master meant the world to me. I have loved him more than anyone or anything else. I would have died for him!" He paused to wipe angrily at his falling tears. "But I never told him any of that! I can only say it now, when he's gone. Because I was too damn stupid to realize that maybe we wouldn't have forever to say everything that needed to be said. I wasn't ready to lose him!!! I naively thought that if anyone died, I would because I would be able to push my Master out of harm's way... get hacked to pieces, or vaporized, in his place. No, I was going to be the brave little Padawan and save my Master at the last instant. Have him hold me in his arms as I slowly bled to death, instead of me holding him." He sobbed and pounded his fists into the ground. "I had to watch him die!!!" He stopped thrashing the ground and then brought his hands up, as if examining them; as if he was looking for stains. "There was no blood... But I could feel his pain. It screamed through our bond, even though he was using his remaining strength to quiet it. He... suffered greatly. There was nothing I could do to ease his pain or heal him. I had to feel him... not only watch but... feel him slipping away. The tight bond we had forged over the years melted away in my fingers as the seconds went by. I knew how badly he had wanted to scream out in pain; I knew that he held it all in, the cry that would have at least given him some measure of relief, because it would have hurt me to hear it. And I could do nothing..." The words caught in his throat and he struggled to voice them. "It should have been me!!! I was supposed to die, not my Master! I should have protected him. He should never have been fighting that damned Sith alone. I was supposed to be at his side, fighting next to him. If I hadn't failed, he would still be alive-and I would still have time to tell him all that I needed to." He buried his face in his hands. "He slipped away so quickly... There wasn't time. I couldn't interrupt him, I kept thinking over and over that he wasn't going to die, he was going to make it. And yet, I knew that he wouldn't. Another part of me kept thinking that I had to pay attention to everything, remember every detail, listen more closely than I ever had before because this was going to be the last time I would hear his voice. And yet the words built up in my throat, those three words that would have given me at least some peace... And I didn't say them. I choked on them, straining to listen to my Master's final request, giving him my promise to train the boy. It was so hard... so very hard. Why couldn't I tell him when it mattered most?"
The child shook his head and put his small fingers over Obi-Wan's mouth. "Sssh... You did nothing wrong. What happened was fated to happen, no matter how much harder you might have tried to get to your Master. No amount of running or willpower would have gotten you there in time; what happened was meant to happen. It was not your fault."
"But I should have-"
Qui-Gon cut him off gently. "You cannot change fate, Obi-Wan. Your Master's death was not yours to prevent. Instead, you were allowed to be there with him in the end. Because of you, he did not die alone. That is a precious gift."
Obi-Wan blinked in shock. He had never thought of it that way.
"Sometimes," the little boy whispered, "you don't need to tell someone that you love them. You speak it in your actions-the way you smile, the way you share his troubles. Love does not always need to be voiced for it to be known and understood. I'm sure your Master knew how deeply you cared for him." He fixed Obi-Wan with a stare. "Do you doubt his love?"
"Never!" Obi-Wan said instantly, his anger flaring. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself. He knew that the boy was not trying to upset him.
"And yet you said that he never told you, either. You said yourself that you felt it in everything that he did, how he showed you every day. He didn't need to speak the words, just as you didn't." The child looked at him again with his compassionate, painfully familiar eyes. "He knew, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan stared at the child as his words sunk in. Gradually, he felt a great weight being lifted from his shoulders; slowly, but surely, it rose up and left him. He still felt the marks that they had left-he doubted that he would ever be rid of them-but the burden was gone. He sighed and, for the first time, managed a small smile. A sound that had been so foreign to his lips in the past day escaped from his mouth. The child grinned at Obi-Wan's quiet, yet healing laughter.
After a long moment of quiet, brightened by Obi-Wan's new understanding, Qui-Gon felt a gentle tugging in his mind. He knew that the dream was about to end. "I don't know what will happen in the future," he said to Obi-Wan as he stood, "but I hope we become friends."
The way that the older man looked at him, with such sadness and longing-as if he was someone the older man wished to say something very important to, perhaps a desperate warning for the future that he couldn't say-made the child suddenly uncomfortable. A thought began to form in his mind, a growing realization, but he pushed it aside. It would have to wait. Around them, the forest began to dissolve. They would both soon wake, years apart, with only the memory of the dream. Qui-Gon continued quickly, "I feel that we will meet again, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Until then..." He reached out a hand and rested it on Obi-Wan's shoulder.
The Padawan bowed his head as he kneeled; his heart ached. The gesture the child had unknowingly made was something his Master had always done to comfort him.
"Remember what you've learned here, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said softly. Around them, everything turned to a blinding light.
"Always, Master," Obi-Wan said, the gesture automatically bringing the beloved title to his lips.
Then Obi-Wan felt himself falling away from the child, torn away from his comforting grip, the last touch he would ever feel from his Master. Before reality claimed him for its own, he thought he heard, echoing faintly as if from a long distance away, "Safe journey, my Padawan..."
***********************************************
Obi-Wan slid to a halt as he slammed back into consciousness. He stopped an inch away from the laser wall that would have ended his life. A few walls away, his Master was kneeling in meditation. Before him, separated by only a sheet of deadly red, stalked the Sith.
Obi-Wan's heart leaped in his chest. His Master was still alive! Obi-Wan wanted to cry with happiness. He had been given another chance!
Obi-Wan's entire body tensed, waiting for the timer that would open the laser walls and allow him to rush to his Master's aid. This time, he would not fail. He would run harder than he ever had in his life. This time, he would make it.
A quiet buzz and the sudden revolution of the red walls were all the signals Obi-Wan needed. He burst forward as if shot from a cannon, hurtling past the first laser wall. The floor seemed to fly beneath his feet as he charged forward. He was going to make it.
And then it happened again. Obi-Wan heard the faint buzz. The wall in front of him-all that stood between him and his Master-began to slide forward. He saw it as if in slow motion and he screamed. Closer and closer it came; the gap began to close. No, his mind screamed in denial, I am meant to make it through. This time is going to be different-I'm going to save Master Qui-Gon.
The wall slid shut.
Obi-Wan barely stopped in time to prevent himself from colliding with the deadly expanse of red.
Just one wall away from him his Master battled the Sith.
Obi-Wan stared at the two combatants in denial, his mind not yet believing his eyes. Why else had he been sent back into the past, if not to save his Master?
It was happening again-but Obi-Wan didn't want to believe it. The two men fighting executed the same moves, the same dance with death, lightsabers flashing in the same patterns they had the first time Obi-Wan had watched this awful scene. Thrust, parry, dodge. . . the same motions were playing out again.
And then the fatal blow to the jaw that sent Qui-Gon reeling back.
A scream of absolute horror and denial ripped through Obi-Wan's throat at the same instant the red lightsaber slid through his Master's body.
He felt agony tear through the bond he had with Qui-Gon.
Again, he had been unable to prevent the fatal wound-"You cannot change Fate, Obi-Wan" the Padawan heard a young voice say in his mind. Obi-Wan stared at his Master, lying on the floor, and tears ran from his eyes. God, but he wished he could.
The dark creature stalked towards him, his mouth carved in a feral grin. "You're next," he seemed to say.
The hatred and despair threatened to overwhelm Obi-Wan as he saw that chilling smile. The blue lightsaber was making an imprint on the palm of his hand; he forced himself to loosen his grip. He tried to center himself like his Master taught him. If he let the darkness overpower him, then everything would change. Instead of being able to comfort his Master as he died, Obi-Wan would have to die beside him, knowing he'd failed Qui-Gon. No, he grated to himself, that was not going to happen. He would not let his Master down. He took a deep breath and centered himself. The Force began to pulse through him.
If he had come back just so that history could repeat itself, then so be it; at least this time, he would tell his Master how much he cared. Obi-Wan steeled himself to his task as he calmly looked at the pacing Sith through eyes brightened with the strengh of the Force. Through the bond, he felt his Master's concern and love for him, and his efforts to hide his suffering from his Padawan. "I won't let you down," Obi-Wan sent the thought to his Master. A weak echo of reassurance flowed back to him.
A shimmer in the Force alerted the Padawan; Obi-Wan brought his lightsaber to the ready and prepared himself. Abruptly, the red lazer wall disappeared. Obi-Wan ran forward, lightsaber in hand. The Sith advanced to meet him.
The rest of the duel played out as it had before, with only one difference. This time, Obi-Wan was fighting for the chance to tell his Master he loved him.
He moved as he felt he never could before, even the first time-every reaction was quicker, every motion of his body fluid and strong with the Force. He felt the energy pulse through his veins. His lightsaber was not a weapon but an extension of himself. He used it like a Jedi Knight, beautifully and with skill, just as his Master had taught him. Never before had he achieved such harmony with the Force. He moved as if he was a reflection of his Master's younger self, brought from the past and restored to life. The Padawan braid that swung with every movement was the only evidence that he was still an apprentice.
Soon, the battle was over. Obi-Wan had leaped out of the pitt, summoning Qui-Gon's lightsaber to his hand, and sliced the Sith into halves. He spared no time to watch the demon plummet as he had the first time, but ran to his Master's side.
"It's... it's too late," Qui-Gon said softly.
"No," Obi-Wan said, the familiar pain of loss shooting through his feelings. His Master's face swam in and out of focus as tears gathered in the Padawan's eyes. He knew that nothing he could do would save his beloved Master.
"Promise me," Qui-Gon continued urgently, "you will train the boy. He is the Chosen One."
Obi-Wan took Qui-Gon in his arms and held him tightly. "Yes, Master. I promise." Tears again flowed down his face. He began to force three words out of his throat. Why had he thought that it would be easier this time around? Obi-Wan bowed his head and took a deep breath. He could feel Qui-Gon trying to soothe him through their bond.
Obi-Wan forced away the tension that threatened to close his throat. He would not back out now. He had been given another chance and he intended to use it.
Before Obi-Wan could choke out the words around his tears, Qui-Gon put a finger on his lips. He smiled up into his Padawan's tormented, grief-stricken face. "When I was a boy..." he whispered, gathering his strength, "you came to me in a dream. I remember, my Padawan... my Obi-Wan. I remember what you said..." He looked up into Obi-Wan's eyes and smiled. He gently wiped away his Padawan's tears. "I know, Obi-Wan. You don't need... to say anything. I have always known..." His eyes softened. They bore the marks of deep compassion and affection. "I love you, too, my Obi-Wan Kenobi. Never forget that."
"Never, Master," Obi-Wan replied softly, leaning down to kiss his Master's forehead. Somewhere inside of him, the pressure that had been keeping back his words shattered and the force on his throat melted away. "I love you, my father."
Qui-Gon smiled, his features relaxing into an expression of tranquillity and happiness. Pride shone in his eyes.
"I will see you again," Obi-Wan whispered into his Master's ear.
Qui-Gon nodded as he felt the Force calling to him. Shards of beautiful light streaked across his vision-they lightened everything in his view and made the world come alive with beauty. He saw completely what he had only before been able to glimpse. The world was alive with the Force-it shone through everything, filling everything. He laughed despite the pain. Obi-Wan looked down at him as Qui-Gon's body convulsed; the Master saw his Padawan encased with a light so rare and so different from the light that shone in everything else, that he couldn't help but smile. It was the same light and fire that he knew shined in himself; it was as if that particular light made them one, connected them in a way that had never before been achieved and would perhaps never be known to the world again. And Qui-Gon knew then that everything would be well. Obi-Wan was chosen by the Force for greater things than this; the Master would indeed see his Padawan again.
As the call grew stronger and his ears were filled with a melody that needed no words, Qui-Gon's strength failed. His breath came in gasps and his hands trembled violently. And still Obi-Wan held his Master in his arms. "I'm with you," he said softly, echoing words of comfort that his Master had said to him many times before.
With a vision of the peace to come filling his mind, Qui-Gon smiled. "I know..." he said with his last breath. Then his body stilled and sank into his Padawan's arms. The Force had called him home.
****************************************
Obi-Wan held his Master in his arms and rocked him back and forth. He had been able to say the words-he had been given a final chance to tell his Master how much he loved him. Obi-Wan's eyes shone with tears. But they were not solely out of grief; some of them were from love.
Obi-Wan ran his hand through Qui-Gon's hair and closed his Master's eyes. He stood up carefully, using the Force to sustain him, Qui-Gon's body still in his arms.
Obi-Wan began to trace his way back to the room the battle had started in. He was grateful that he saw no one, although he heard occasional shouts of joy from a distance. He knew instinctively that Queen Amidala had been victorious and that all was well with the rest of the planet. He cradled Qui-Gon in his arms-the peace had cost his beloved Master his life.
Obi-Wan finally reached the room he'd been searching for. He saw with relief that no one had disturbed anything. Obi-Wan gently lay Qui-Gon on the floor and picked up the two brown Jedi robes that had been flung aside what felt like days ago. He lovingly folded his Master's robe and then picked up his own. He shook it out and then wrapped his Master's body in its soft embrace. Although it was far too short to completely cover the tall Jedi, Obi-Wan knew it was right somehow. He knelt beside Qui-Gon and touched his Master's pale face. He would return with others to carry Qui-Gon outside with the honor and respect due to his noble Master.
After a moment of meditation, Obi-Wan rose to his feet and squared his shoulders to face the celebration outside. He lightly touched the lightsaber that hung from his belt where his own used to be. He would wield it now out of respect for his Master.
With the Force wrapped around himself and Qui-Gon Jinn's long Jedi robes around his shoulders, he stepped outside into the waning sunlight.
Obi-Wan Kenobi smiled. The Force whispered that he would see his Master again.
But for now, he had a promise to keep.
by Jedi Rune
Disclaimer: I wish they were mine, I wish I wish I wish...damn. Oh well. Still belong to Lucas, kids.
Obi-Wan curled up beside the body of his Master and wept. For hours, it seemed, he had sat beside Qui-Gon, holding him, that fatal scene replaying in his mind- the final thrust of the red blade, the look of complete shock and pain on his Master's face. Obi-Wan's scream of denial echoed in his own ears like background music that would never fade.
It did not matter that he had avenged his Master's death; Obi-Wan cared nothing that Darth Maul was probably still falling in halves down that endless shaft. It did not even matter that his lightsaber had been lost during the battle. None of it had prevented Qui-Gon from dying, therefore none of it mattered.
"Oh, Master," he cried into the tunic of the man he had seen as a father, "why did you leave me?"
Obi-Wan shook with sobs and huddled even closer to Qui-Gon's body. He had long since covered the mortal wound staining his Master's chest; he couldn't bear to look at it. He wanted to pretend for just a while, a short while in time, that his Master was not dead. Obi-Wan raised his head up to look at Qui-Gon's face. The tears flowed from the Padawan's eyes even more now- Qui-Gon looked so still, so at peace. As if dreaming.
The Padawan reached up with a trembling hand and ran his cold fingers through his Master's greying hair. His hand trailed across the pallid face and finally rested on his forehead. Weeping silently, Obi-Wan struggled to lift himself up from where he lay beside his Master. He placed a gentle kiss on Qui-Gon's forehead, his tears streaming down to fall on his Master's face.
"I never told you," he whispered brokenly, "how much you really meant to me. I couldn't bring myself to thank you. Foolishly, I had always thought that there would be time." He lost his eyesight as the tears welled up again. "And now I know. . . there never will be time. Master, I. . . words almost can't express the love and thankfulness that I feel. For so long, you have been my mentor, my teacher; you supported me in everything, sometimes even when you knew I was wrong. Because you thought that the important thing was that I knew you cared. And I watched you-every day of our lives. I noticed your kindness and your trust, I could hear your unspoken love for me echo in everything that you did. You were my father, and I loved you as a son, as if I had truly been yours by blood. I'm so sorry that I never told you."
Obi-Wan collapsed onto his Master's chest, hugging the Jedi's body tightly as if in doing so he could bring Qui-Gon back to life. His Padawan braid brushed his Master's unresponsive face; Obi-Wan knew that soon he would lose even that fragile connection that had bound them together. "I won't fail you," he said softly as he wrapped his arms around Qui-Gon's shoulders and hugged him close. "I will train the boy." He buried his face in his Master's Jedi tunic, his tears disappearing in the folds of cloth.
Obi-Wan sighed deeply. The last thing he heard before he lost consciousness was the memory of his Master speaking his name.
***************************
Obi-Wan came to slowly. His head felt foggy and the bright light shining on his eyes annoyed him. He cautiously sat up and risked a look. What he saw startled him. He was in the middle of a lush forest, surrounded by nothing but trees, sunlight, and the singing of birds. "Where am I?" he wondered.
Suddenly he remembered everything. It all came crashing back to him as if a waterfall had abruptly opened above his head.
Obi-Wan leapt to his feet in near hysteria. Where was his Master's body? Had someone taken his Master away while he slept? Obi-Wan desperately scanned the area. The last thing he recalled was lying down on the cold metal floor beside his Master's body. How had he gotten here, to this forest?
"Who do you seek?" a quiet voice asked.
Obi-Wan whirled. In front of him sat a little boy, no more than ten years of age; he had not been there a second ago.
"Who are you?" Obi-Wan asked dumbly. But before the child even answered, the Padawan knew. He could see it in the eyes and in the face, and even in the way he sat there, body upright yet relaxed; he was a shadow of the man Obi-Wan adored and respected above all others.
"My name is Qui-Gon," the child said. His face lightened with a smile. "But you already knew that. Who are you?"
"Obi-Wan Kenobi." Seeing his Master so young, so innocent, and yet still with the developing physical and mental sketches of who he would grow up to become drove Obi-Wan to his knees. He fell to the mossy floor and remained there, paralyzed, tears spilling down his face.
"Why are you crying?" the child asked gently. His eyes- wise for one so young, and filled with sad blue and grey colors- observed the shivering man in front of him. "It is a beautiful day. Tears do not become it." He smiled sadly down at Obi-Wan.
"You..." Obi-Wan tried to speak, but failed. He cleared his throat and made a second attempt. "Please... Tell me where this is. Why am I here?"
"This is my home planet. It is where I was born." A distant look grew in the child's eyes. "Do you hear that? The forest is alive... All around us it speaks. I can hear it crying."
Obi-Wan tried to concentrate. Even at a young age his Master had already begun to connect strongly with the Living Force.
"We are dreaming," Qui-Gon said.
Obi-Wan took the comment without question. For some reason, he knew that it was true. "We're sharing the same dream?" he asked hesitantly.
"Yes, but in different times. You are having it sometime far away from my present; yet, I am dreaming this in what is to you many years in the past."
Obi-Wan nodded. "I understand. But why are we here?"
"I can tell by your face that you have need of help. You have just faced something very difficult-something painful."
"And you," Obi-Wan asked softly, "what is bothering you?"
The child's sad eyes stared back at him. For the first time, Obi-Wan noticed the dark shadows that surrounded them; he doubted the boy had slept much in the past few weeks. Qui-Gon waited until he was fully in control of his emotions before speaking. Still, a glimmer of deep pain hovered over his features. "A month ago, my planet was attacked by invaders. They began to destroy everything; in a matter of days, nearly all life on the planet was gone. My parents and I, along with a few others, were some of the lucky ones. We managed to escape that first attack. We fled to the surrounding hills in the hopes that someone would come and rescue us." The boy closed his eyes, a look of grief flashing across his face. "Two weeks ago, we were discovered by the invaders." A tear escaped his tight control and rolled down his cheek. "I alone survived."
Obi-Wan's eyes were wide with shock. He had not known this about his Master's past. Suddenly, he thought about the look in his Master's eyes, that sad, far-away gaze that he seemed to carry with him wherever he went; even when enjoying himself or talking with his Padawan, it never quite left. And now Obi-Wan knew why. He also understood now the reason for his Master's compassion and empathy with all living creatures, especially those who suffered. Qui-Gon understood-had understood ever since he was a little boy. He had learned what it was like to suffer and to be alone too early in life. The thought of his Master's soothing voice and compassionate glance left Obi-Wan reeling with tears. He would never see that look on his Master's face or be comforted by his gentle voice again.
"You're thinking of what or who you left behind-of what you've lost," the child said quietly, easing through Obi-Wan's despairing thoughts. "Sometimes talking about it helps you to heal."
Obi-Wan nodded mutely. He couldn't bring himself to say the words. He looked up at the child who would become the man he loved- and the Master he'd lost. How could he tell the boy that it was he that he grieved for?
"It is alright," Qui-Gon said gently. "I know what it is like to feel the pain of loss." He smiled at Obi-Wan's startled look. "Yes, I know that you mourn someone you love; I recognize it in your eyes. It is a pain that strikes deeper than fear." He kneeled beside Obi-Wan and forced the older man to look at him. "There is no shame in grief, or even anger, at what has happened. Just be careful that it does not consume you. If the one you mourn cared for you as much as you do for him, then he would not want you to give in to despair. Even in death, there is hope. You may take time to grieve-- everyone does-- but eventually, if you escape the despair, then you will see the hope that lies beyond."
Obi-Wan's tear filled eyes looked up into the child's compassionate ones. The Padawan could not escape that glance-it had been the same one that had comforted him so many times in the past. His face twitched into the shadow of a smile. Even without knowing it, his Master had returned from death to comfort him.
"Tell me about the one you lost," Qui-Gon said softly. "Was he your father? A close friend?"
Obi-Wan nodded. When he finally began to speak, his words came out choppily as if he had to force himself to say it. Gradually, though, his hesitation fell away and he began to talk rapidly, like the words were falling straight from his soul to his lips. "He was both to me," he began. "Father and friend. He was... he was my Master. I admired him and... I cared for him. He was the first person to show me what love was-I could feel his love for me in everything that he did. He didn't need to say it because I knew. He showed me everyday." He smiled and tugged on his Padawan braid as if remembering. "He taught me everything-how to love, how to live my life serving others... compassion. He taught me what it was like to feel loved so completely that you... that you feel in harmony with the other's thoughts and actions. We knew when each other was in pain or suffering. . . and we healed each other. We could communicate deeper than words... I was his Padawan learner. My Master taught me well. Even beyond being a Jedi. He taught me things that have saved my life and enriched it. He showed me how to win with honor and, more importantly, how to lose with dignity. Knowing him has been the best thing that ever happened to me." Tears stung his eyes. "That's why losing him is so hard..."
The child did not respond, but merely offered Obi-Wan his silent support and willingness to listen.
The Padawan continued. "It's so ironic," he said bitterly. "My Master meant the world to me. I have loved him more than anyone or anything else. I would have died for him!" He paused to wipe angrily at his falling tears. "But I never told him any of that! I can only say it now, when he's gone. Because I was too damn stupid to realize that maybe we wouldn't have forever to say everything that needed to be said. I wasn't ready to lose him!!! I naively thought that if anyone died, I would because I would be able to push my Master out of harm's way... get hacked to pieces, or vaporized, in his place. No, I was going to be the brave little Padawan and save my Master at the last instant. Have him hold me in his arms as I slowly bled to death, instead of me holding him." He sobbed and pounded his fists into the ground. "I had to watch him die!!!" He stopped thrashing the ground and then brought his hands up, as if examining them; as if he was looking for stains. "There was no blood... But I could feel his pain. It screamed through our bond, even though he was using his remaining strength to quiet it. He... suffered greatly. There was nothing I could do to ease his pain or heal him. I had to feel him... not only watch but... feel him slipping away. The tight bond we had forged over the years melted away in my fingers as the seconds went by. I knew how badly he had wanted to scream out in pain; I knew that he held it all in, the cry that would have at least given him some measure of relief, because it would have hurt me to hear it. And I could do nothing..." The words caught in his throat and he struggled to voice them. "It should have been me!!! I was supposed to die, not my Master! I should have protected him. He should never have been fighting that damned Sith alone. I was supposed to be at his side, fighting next to him. If I hadn't failed, he would still be alive-and I would still have time to tell him all that I needed to." He buried his face in his hands. "He slipped away so quickly... There wasn't time. I couldn't interrupt him, I kept thinking over and over that he wasn't going to die, he was going to make it. And yet, I knew that he wouldn't. Another part of me kept thinking that I had to pay attention to everything, remember every detail, listen more closely than I ever had before because this was going to be the last time I would hear his voice. And yet the words built up in my throat, those three words that would have given me at least some peace... And I didn't say them. I choked on them, straining to listen to my Master's final request, giving him my promise to train the boy. It was so hard... so very hard. Why couldn't I tell him when it mattered most?"
The child shook his head and put his small fingers over Obi-Wan's mouth. "Sssh... You did nothing wrong. What happened was fated to happen, no matter how much harder you might have tried to get to your Master. No amount of running or willpower would have gotten you there in time; what happened was meant to happen. It was not your fault."
"But I should have-"
Qui-Gon cut him off gently. "You cannot change fate, Obi-Wan. Your Master's death was not yours to prevent. Instead, you were allowed to be there with him in the end. Because of you, he did not die alone. That is a precious gift."
Obi-Wan blinked in shock. He had never thought of it that way.
"Sometimes," the little boy whispered, "you don't need to tell someone that you love them. You speak it in your actions-the way you smile, the way you share his troubles. Love does not always need to be voiced for it to be known and understood. I'm sure your Master knew how deeply you cared for him." He fixed Obi-Wan with a stare. "Do you doubt his love?"
"Never!" Obi-Wan said instantly, his anger flaring. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself. He knew that the boy was not trying to upset him.
"And yet you said that he never told you, either. You said yourself that you felt it in everything that he did, how he showed you every day. He didn't need to speak the words, just as you didn't." The child looked at him again with his compassionate, painfully familiar eyes. "He knew, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan stared at the child as his words sunk in. Gradually, he felt a great weight being lifted from his shoulders; slowly, but surely, it rose up and left him. He still felt the marks that they had left-he doubted that he would ever be rid of them-but the burden was gone. He sighed and, for the first time, managed a small smile. A sound that had been so foreign to his lips in the past day escaped from his mouth. The child grinned at Obi-Wan's quiet, yet healing laughter.
After a long moment of quiet, brightened by Obi-Wan's new understanding, Qui-Gon felt a gentle tugging in his mind. He knew that the dream was about to end. "I don't know what will happen in the future," he said to Obi-Wan as he stood, "but I hope we become friends."
The way that the older man looked at him, with such sadness and longing-as if he was someone the older man wished to say something very important to, perhaps a desperate warning for the future that he couldn't say-made the child suddenly uncomfortable. A thought began to form in his mind, a growing realization, but he pushed it aside. It would have to wait. Around them, the forest began to dissolve. They would both soon wake, years apart, with only the memory of the dream. Qui-Gon continued quickly, "I feel that we will meet again, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Until then..." He reached out a hand and rested it on Obi-Wan's shoulder.
The Padawan bowed his head as he kneeled; his heart ached. The gesture the child had unknowingly made was something his Master had always done to comfort him.
"Remember what you've learned here, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said softly. Around them, everything turned to a blinding light.
"Always, Master," Obi-Wan said, the gesture automatically bringing the beloved title to his lips.
Then Obi-Wan felt himself falling away from the child, torn away from his comforting grip, the last touch he would ever feel from his Master. Before reality claimed him for its own, he thought he heard, echoing faintly as if from a long distance away, "Safe journey, my Padawan..."
***********************************************
Obi-Wan slid to a halt as he slammed back into consciousness. He stopped an inch away from the laser wall that would have ended his life. A few walls away, his Master was kneeling in meditation. Before him, separated by only a sheet of deadly red, stalked the Sith.
Obi-Wan's heart leaped in his chest. His Master was still alive! Obi-Wan wanted to cry with happiness. He had been given another chance!
Obi-Wan's entire body tensed, waiting for the timer that would open the laser walls and allow him to rush to his Master's aid. This time, he would not fail. He would run harder than he ever had in his life. This time, he would make it.
A quiet buzz and the sudden revolution of the red walls were all the signals Obi-Wan needed. He burst forward as if shot from a cannon, hurtling past the first laser wall. The floor seemed to fly beneath his feet as he charged forward. He was going to make it.
And then it happened again. Obi-Wan heard the faint buzz. The wall in front of him-all that stood between him and his Master-began to slide forward. He saw it as if in slow motion and he screamed. Closer and closer it came; the gap began to close. No, his mind screamed in denial, I am meant to make it through. This time is going to be different-I'm going to save Master Qui-Gon.
The wall slid shut.
Obi-Wan barely stopped in time to prevent himself from colliding with the deadly expanse of red.
Just one wall away from him his Master battled the Sith.
Obi-Wan stared at the two combatants in denial, his mind not yet believing his eyes. Why else had he been sent back into the past, if not to save his Master?
It was happening again-but Obi-Wan didn't want to believe it. The two men fighting executed the same moves, the same dance with death, lightsabers flashing in the same patterns they had the first time Obi-Wan had watched this awful scene. Thrust, parry, dodge. . . the same motions were playing out again.
And then the fatal blow to the jaw that sent Qui-Gon reeling back.
A scream of absolute horror and denial ripped through Obi-Wan's throat at the same instant the red lightsaber slid through his Master's body.
He felt agony tear through the bond he had with Qui-Gon.
Again, he had been unable to prevent the fatal wound-"You cannot change Fate, Obi-Wan" the Padawan heard a young voice say in his mind. Obi-Wan stared at his Master, lying on the floor, and tears ran from his eyes. God, but he wished he could.
The dark creature stalked towards him, his mouth carved in a feral grin. "You're next," he seemed to say.
The hatred and despair threatened to overwhelm Obi-Wan as he saw that chilling smile. The blue lightsaber was making an imprint on the palm of his hand; he forced himself to loosen his grip. He tried to center himself like his Master taught him. If he let the darkness overpower him, then everything would change. Instead of being able to comfort his Master as he died, Obi-Wan would have to die beside him, knowing he'd failed Qui-Gon. No, he grated to himself, that was not going to happen. He would not let his Master down. He took a deep breath and centered himself. The Force began to pulse through him.
If he had come back just so that history could repeat itself, then so be it; at least this time, he would tell his Master how much he cared. Obi-Wan steeled himself to his task as he calmly looked at the pacing Sith through eyes brightened with the strengh of the Force. Through the bond, he felt his Master's concern and love for him, and his efforts to hide his suffering from his Padawan. "I won't let you down," Obi-Wan sent the thought to his Master. A weak echo of reassurance flowed back to him.
A shimmer in the Force alerted the Padawan; Obi-Wan brought his lightsaber to the ready and prepared himself. Abruptly, the red lazer wall disappeared. Obi-Wan ran forward, lightsaber in hand. The Sith advanced to meet him.
The rest of the duel played out as it had before, with only one difference. This time, Obi-Wan was fighting for the chance to tell his Master he loved him.
He moved as he felt he never could before, even the first time-every reaction was quicker, every motion of his body fluid and strong with the Force. He felt the energy pulse through his veins. His lightsaber was not a weapon but an extension of himself. He used it like a Jedi Knight, beautifully and with skill, just as his Master had taught him. Never before had he achieved such harmony with the Force. He moved as if he was a reflection of his Master's younger self, brought from the past and restored to life. The Padawan braid that swung with every movement was the only evidence that he was still an apprentice.
Soon, the battle was over. Obi-Wan had leaped out of the pitt, summoning Qui-Gon's lightsaber to his hand, and sliced the Sith into halves. He spared no time to watch the demon plummet as he had the first time, but ran to his Master's side.
"It's... it's too late," Qui-Gon said softly.
"No," Obi-Wan said, the familiar pain of loss shooting through his feelings. His Master's face swam in and out of focus as tears gathered in the Padawan's eyes. He knew that nothing he could do would save his beloved Master.
"Promise me," Qui-Gon continued urgently, "you will train the boy. He is the Chosen One."
Obi-Wan took Qui-Gon in his arms and held him tightly. "Yes, Master. I promise." Tears again flowed down his face. He began to force three words out of his throat. Why had he thought that it would be easier this time around? Obi-Wan bowed his head and took a deep breath. He could feel Qui-Gon trying to soothe him through their bond.
Obi-Wan forced away the tension that threatened to close his throat. He would not back out now. He had been given another chance and he intended to use it.
Before Obi-Wan could choke out the words around his tears, Qui-Gon put a finger on his lips. He smiled up into his Padawan's tormented, grief-stricken face. "When I was a boy..." he whispered, gathering his strength, "you came to me in a dream. I remember, my Padawan... my Obi-Wan. I remember what you said..." He looked up into Obi-Wan's eyes and smiled. He gently wiped away his Padawan's tears. "I know, Obi-Wan. You don't need... to say anything. I have always known..." His eyes softened. They bore the marks of deep compassion and affection. "I love you, too, my Obi-Wan Kenobi. Never forget that."
"Never, Master," Obi-Wan replied softly, leaning down to kiss his Master's forehead. Somewhere inside of him, the pressure that had been keeping back his words shattered and the force on his throat melted away. "I love you, my father."
Qui-Gon smiled, his features relaxing into an expression of tranquillity and happiness. Pride shone in his eyes.
"I will see you again," Obi-Wan whispered into his Master's ear.
Qui-Gon nodded as he felt the Force calling to him. Shards of beautiful light streaked across his vision-they lightened everything in his view and made the world come alive with beauty. He saw completely what he had only before been able to glimpse. The world was alive with the Force-it shone through everything, filling everything. He laughed despite the pain. Obi-Wan looked down at him as Qui-Gon's body convulsed; the Master saw his Padawan encased with a light so rare and so different from the light that shone in everything else, that he couldn't help but smile. It was the same light and fire that he knew shined in himself; it was as if that particular light made them one, connected them in a way that had never before been achieved and would perhaps never be known to the world again. And Qui-Gon knew then that everything would be well. Obi-Wan was chosen by the Force for greater things than this; the Master would indeed see his Padawan again.
As the call grew stronger and his ears were filled with a melody that needed no words, Qui-Gon's strength failed. His breath came in gasps and his hands trembled violently. And still Obi-Wan held his Master in his arms. "I'm with you," he said softly, echoing words of comfort that his Master had said to him many times before.
With a vision of the peace to come filling his mind, Qui-Gon smiled. "I know..." he said with his last breath. Then his body stilled and sank into his Padawan's arms. The Force had called him home.
****************************************
Obi-Wan held his Master in his arms and rocked him back and forth. He had been able to say the words-he had been given a final chance to tell his Master how much he loved him. Obi-Wan's eyes shone with tears. But they were not solely out of grief; some of them were from love.
Obi-Wan ran his hand through Qui-Gon's hair and closed his Master's eyes. He stood up carefully, using the Force to sustain him, Qui-Gon's body still in his arms.
Obi-Wan began to trace his way back to the room the battle had started in. He was grateful that he saw no one, although he heard occasional shouts of joy from a distance. He knew instinctively that Queen Amidala had been victorious and that all was well with the rest of the planet. He cradled Qui-Gon in his arms-the peace had cost his beloved Master his life.
Obi-Wan finally reached the room he'd been searching for. He saw with relief that no one had disturbed anything. Obi-Wan gently lay Qui-Gon on the floor and picked up the two brown Jedi robes that had been flung aside what felt like days ago. He lovingly folded his Master's robe and then picked up his own. He shook it out and then wrapped his Master's body in its soft embrace. Although it was far too short to completely cover the tall Jedi, Obi-Wan knew it was right somehow. He knelt beside Qui-Gon and touched his Master's pale face. He would return with others to carry Qui-Gon outside with the honor and respect due to his noble Master.
After a moment of meditation, Obi-Wan rose to his feet and squared his shoulders to face the celebration outside. He lightly touched the lightsaber that hung from his belt where his own used to be. He would wield it now out of respect for his Master.
With the Force wrapped around himself and Qui-Gon Jinn's long Jedi robes around his shoulders, he stepped outside into the waning sunlight.
Obi-Wan Kenobi smiled. The Force whispered that he would see his Master again.
But for now, he had a promise to keep.