Disclaimer: I
own nothing
Spoilers: Not
really
Dedication: To
anti-Riley pro-Angel activists!
Author's note: Just a little piece I threw together
during a power outage. Please be kind.
Painted
on my heart
I lay awake in my bed not wanting to sleep. Not wanting
the dreams that will inevitably come. They will be dreams of sunlight and
laughter and love but they won't be of the man that sleeps beside me. They
never are.
I reach under my pillow and finger a photograph I have
pulled out from between my mattresses. Actually there is two pictures, one of
Riley and one of the reason I have to let Riley go.
I thought you would be out of my mind and I'd finally
found a way to learn to live without you.
I moved on and found myself someone new. I moved on to
sunlight and normal, laughter, light and love. I moved on, or so I thought.
I thought it was just a matter of time till I had a
hundred reasons not to think about you.
I used to think I wouldn't survive without you. I used to
think that what you wanted for me didn't exist outside of you. I used to think
that I could never let you go.
I was right.
But it's just not so and after all this time I still
can't let go.
I hid away all your things. Your name became taboo. I
locked away all things Angel so I could try to forget…I'll never forget.
I've still got your face painted on my heart,
It doesn't matter what I do because I see your face each
time I close my eyes.
Scrawled upon my soul,
I feel you in my soul.
Etched upon my memory baby.
You're in my blood. Engraved like a tattoo upon my heart,
branded in my mind.
I've still got your kiss burning on my lips.
Riley kisses me and it seems…wrong. His lips are warm and
sticky and sloppy wet. Wrong…no I need cool lips that stoke a fire so hot in my
belly. Lips that taste of sandalwood and spice; skin that smells faintly like
ivory soap. Kisses that caress the very essence of who I am. Kisses that make
my toes curl at the thought of them.
The touch of fingertips.
I miss big strong hands that are powerful and yet
heartbreakingly gentle. Hands that know how and where to touch me. Hands that
pull me into an embrace that shelter's me from the pain. If I close my eyes and
concentrate…yes the touch of cool fingertips caressing my skin.
Is love so deep inside of me?
I watch Riley sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming of? I
wonder if he'll sleep another night once I tell him I have to go. He'll ask
don't I care? Don't I love?
Well do I?
A river of passion runs deep within me. A strong current
of love flows but it rushes into you. Always and only you. Never Riley.
Baby I tried every thing that I can to get my heart to
forget you.
I tried to push you down deep. I tried to close my heart.
I tried to convince myself that I could go forward.
I went Bronzing. I went slaying. I hung with the gang. I
packed you away deep inside me but…
But it just can't seem to, I guess it's no use.
It doesn't matter cause you're always there. You hover on the
edge of my consciousness and haunt me in my dreams.
In every part of me is still a part of you.
We're connected. I try to fight it as I hold the phone to
my ear, your voice a lullaby to the chaos in my head.
I've still got your face painted on my heart, Scrawled
upon my soul, Etched upon my memory baby.
I've still got your kiss burning on my lips. The touch of
fingertips. Is love so deep inside of me?
Something in your eyes keeps haunting me.
I look in your eyes and I can see your secrets. I too know
the burden of guilt and sacrifice.
I'm trying to escape you and I know there ain't no way
to, to chase you from my mind.
I tried to move on. I tried to lock you away but you keep
coming back. You have etched your self into my life.
You have braided your soul with mine. Our destinies
entwined.
You have branded my heart.
As I lay awake avoiding the dreams that won't be of him I
hold to two pictures. One of Riley and one of the reasons I have to let him go.
Let me know what you think about this! Please, I am
trying to get through a bout of writer's block I need inspiration for my muse.
