~~~~
He was right. I do need to think.
I need to think a lot. But when I think, I'm not thinking about all the reason why I should get away from Spike as fast as I can. I'm not thinking about how he told me he smashed in someone's head in just a few hours ago and I almost ignored it. I'm not even thinking about Dawn.
I'm thinking about Angel.
I'm thinking - Well, thinking only gets you into trouble. Maybe things would be better if I lived more on the edge. I mean, had me and Spike done it last night - there'd be nothing to think about now. It'd just kinda be like "Whoa." Kinda like, things would be simplair.
I don't know - maybe Faith was right. It's the fear, sex, and excitement that's gets me into bed with vampires. Well, obviously it's the sex. But the fear part scares me.
Of corse fear should scare me. That's what it is; what it does; what gives it a purpose.
Maybe she's right all the same. She was a sucky lier, a whore, and a bitch... but she was right a lot. I'll give her that much. But I hope with my life that she's wrong. I actually prey that she's wrong. It's never been fear. How can a person be attracted to fear? I guess they can be, but I don't think I am.
I've always been a good girl, and I plan on staying that way forever. But still, I keep having flashes.
I keep seeing Angel's face. I keep seeing his eyes. I keep hearing his voice. I keep falling in love with him... over and over and over again until it hurts. Right down in my gut.
Then I see Spike's face. Then his eyes. I hear his voice. Instead of falling in love, I keep falling backwards and he keeps catching me. Then I push Xander, Willow, Giles and everyone else over and he catches them too. Most of all I push Spike back, and he always catchs himself.
But Angel won't catch me. He's not the type who's around for long. He has a life in L.A.
A life without me.
And I have a life here, in Sunnydale.
A life without Angel.
I love Angel, and I know he loves me too. But is it possible for two lovers to have no way or chance of having anything... ever?
I used to think love conquered all. But I was wrong. Love hides in the corner and cowers becuase it wants to be safe. Instead it gets killed.
Every fucking time.
Is is possible I love Spike?
Yes, it is. I've hated him for so long. I hated him becuase it was so easy to do. So plain and simple. Soulless = bad. But I don't think getting involved with Spike wouild be bad.
But why do I love Spike? I think I know exactally...
Faith was right. It's the fear.
Not the fear that she said. Not at all. Like I already figured, I don't fall for fear. But it's still fear. Actually, it's the lack of fear.
It's sitting here, knowing that Spike can hurt me, he kill me, he can leave me dead in a ditch...
But won't. Won't becuase he loves me. Not matter what I say or do to him, He'd never do all the things he can. Sure, he has a chip. That doesn't mean he can't hurt me, just that it'll bite back a little. The chip, really, isn't anything more than a door between two people. You have to open the door, but then you can kill the person on the other side all you want.
Riley was so easy to love. He couldn't hurt me. He could try everything he wanted but I would win. Since I knew he can't hurt me, how could I trust anything he says? I couldn't. Riley could have wanted to kill me, and I wouldn't have known.
Still, he was so easy to love. The same way a puppy is easy to love. It's the inncence, the tucking the tail between his legs thing, the willingness to submit to authority, and the falt-out harmlessness of him.
But one day the puppy becomes a dog. Riley was off screwing - or maybe just being bloodsucked by - some slutty vampire whores.
Just like the puppy Riley became a dog.
He's not even in the question anymore.
I guess all that leave me with is Angel and Spike.
Angel runs.
He finds something he loves, and runs. He's so scared, but it's not his fault. He's been hurt more times than anyone else in the whole world. He spent 100 years without any hope in humanity. He spent 100 years taking the blame for other people.
Is it fair to Spike to make him back-up guy?
It was me who made the first move. I'm the one who kissed Spike.
I'm also the one who unbuckled his belt.
He's the one the stopped it. He's the one that walked away from me and told me to think it over.
That's when I come to, is he really back-up guy?
Maybe not.
Maybe I'm pretending so I don't feel like I'm betraying Angel.
He walked away from sex with me. Spike was always the kind who I'd expect to knock me and and rape me. After all, I was kind of an obsession to him.
But in reality, I know that's only what it looked like to me, and everyone else.
It was actually devotion.
He just kept throwing himself on the sword. For me, for Dawn, for me...
It's almost like he got off when he did it. It was some sort of addiction. The whole myder deal. When you've killed for so long maybe it's a nice change to die.
But Spike didn't kill. Spike was Spike.
The thing that killed was the vampire. I'm a vampire now too. But I have a soul.
Spike doesn't.
What is a soul anyway? Honestly, what is it?
People with souls aren't always good.
My science teacher from 9th grade has a soul.
Bill Clinton has a soul.
For Christ's sake, Timithy McVeigh has a soul!
If people with souls can be bad... Doesn't it make sense the people without souls can be good?
?
Right...?
Spike doesn't have a soul. But, Spike, pretty much... is good. Mostly. To me.
...
...
...
How come I'm thinking about my sex life?
Shouldn't I be thinking about Dawn? About Willow? About Giles? Xander? Anya? Tara?
Angel...?
Cody? Gunn? Wesley?
Dawn. I need to think about Dawn. I hardy even mentioned her.
I hardly mentioned anything.
Maybe I should even be thinking aoubt Ben and Glory.
Whatever happened to them anyway?