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What in the bloody hell is wrong with me?
Something must be.
Sex with the slayer. Not roboslayer, not possessed slayer. Not the slayer I dream about. But the slayer.
Sounds great, huh?
Yeah, well, it's now on my list of things I could have done but didn't.Why?
She actually made the first move.
And I could feel it, on her, and in her, that she was dead serious about wanting to do it.
So I told her to think it over. She's hated me forever. So many times I was sure she was going to stake me.
She's too sweet. She's just too sweet. For killing, for me, for the whole slaying package. But it got dropped on her doorstep and she couldn't make it go away. She's way too sweet for the job. She was even too sweet to turn down the job of protecter of the weak.
And I came with it. I was the bad demon for killing.
Then one day I got a chip in my head and couldn't hurt her anymore. I couldn't crush her so I was no longer for killing.
The worse part is, I couldn't crush her anyway. It's not actually that I couldn't, but that I wouldn't. I teased, I showed my fangs. I retracted my claws. But I never bit. I never went in for the kill.
And I know I could have so many times. I wouldn't before I even knew I had fallen for her.
But Dru knew. Dru always knew.
The bitch. She told me so many lies. Not that I never lied. She just told me so many things. So many things about death, about blood, about the slayer. She told me about herself. What hurt the most was when she told me about myself.
Told me I was a killer. Born to slash and bash and bleed like beautiful poetry.
Only it was never beautiful. It was never poetry.
It was fucking ugly. It took Dru's leaving, it took the chip, for me to see that. But the worse thing in the world is still loving Dru, and not being able to stop. I don't love her like I love Buffy.
I love her like most people love their dogs.
She's beneth me. Ouch, harsh words. I would know.
True all the same.
When a dog bites someone, kills or hurts someone, you have to put it down becuase you love it.
I want to put Dru down. I want to make her bleed, want to make her pay, for lying so bloody much about who I am. I want to do it becuase I love her so much.
I want to do it becuase I hate her so much. But is there really a diffence?
I don't know.
I guess my point is now I've lost Buffy forever. She's going to think, and figure out what a jackass she was to think I deserved anything. Let alone her.
I could have had a night with her. There could have been once. I could have remembered it forever.
But I could aso eat shit and die, but I think I'll pass.
I can't. I know I did sometihng right... but why do I care? A year ago it would have been great yippie-yahoo type fun. Now it's not for fun. That's not what it's about anymore.
It's about Buffy. It's all about her. Only... is it?
How come I killed little Felix? I killed him becuase he hurt Xander.
Xander is Buffy's friend. So, for Buffy's sake, I protected Xander. That's what I'd like to tell myself. That's how it was with Dru. Everything was about her, about the things she loved, and about killing the things she said.
Truth is, Xander is my friend. I know I'm not exactally on his list of buddies. He's never been the best of friends to me, what with the "You know I hate you" commets being all so common. But for some reason, everything isn't about Buffy. Most things are. But when it's not, it's about the rest of them.
Willow didn't give me my soul back. I didn't get mad. I know she's right. I don't need a soul. It's scary, that I care. I know I shouldn't. Since Dru made me a vampire, I've been a vampire. I've been evil.
I never liked who I was before I was turned. I don't think I was someone Buffy could love. Apparently, I am now. Becuase I'm not who I used to be - when I was human or when I was evil. I'm still a vampire, but I'm not the evil I should be.
I'm not killing like I should be. I have a chip. I can't hurt an...
Holy Fuck. It didn't hurt when I killed Felix. I didn't get anything back. There was no pain.
Nothing. No one else noticed it. I didn't notice it.
But Felix was human. Felix was all human. I can still smell a human. I haven't lost that.
I killed a human last night and nothing happened to me.