The (Not So) Tragic Death of Phil Palmfeather

::Disclaimor- I don't own anything having to do with the mighty ducks( no matter what I say) so please don't sue me. I'm broke anyway, so there's not really a point. As if you couldn't tell, I'm not fond of Phil, at all. All Phil fans (if such a thing exists) please don't flame me, I know not what I do. The whole Wildwing thing just comes from what I think he really thinks about being the leader, and yes, I DID make him an obsessive older brother( after all, elder siblings only exist to protect their younger brothers or sister, am I right?) This story is pure comedy and insanity, it was meant to be that way from the beginning. This is my first fic, please be kind. And, to anyone who still supports Clinton... well, your opinion doesn't matter to me, and it wouldn't even if he were still president. Oh yeah, written in Script form::

(All of the Mighty Ducks' team are in that big, underground, cave thing where they keep Drake 1(so what if I forgot what it's called?) listening to Tanya talk about another of the fabulous things Drake 1 can do, and isn't she a genius for programming it, and bla bla bla, no one was really listening, but hey, Tanya's better than Phil anyway, right?)

Wildwing: ::sigh:: ::thinking:: Does the torture never end? I don't even know what she's talking about. OK! I'll just ask her (kindly and leader-like, of course) to shut up. No, I can't do that, I have to be a good leader, not to mention I should be a perfect role model for my dear little brother (bless his heart)... Being a leader sucks!! I'm not allowed to swear, drink, tell people to shut up, I can't even buy a decent pair of pants without worrying about "How is this going to influence the darling little children who are watching the show...(little brats)". ::sigh:: What to do, what to do...
Nosedive: Tanya, are you ever going to shut up? I mean, I'm glad you're so confident in your invention, I'm sure we all are, but you're being really obsessive of the thing, and, aw to hell with being kind!! NO ONE CARES!!
Wildwing: ::thinking:: Lucky me, to be blessed with such a straight-forward younger sibling!! Hurrah for Nosedive!! Yay! ::clears throat:: ::talking:: Well, that wasn't exactly a kind way to put it, but I think he's right Tanya.
(upon hearing Nosedive's outburst, the rest of the team awoke from the mindless state Tanya's rambling had put them in, and now they were eagerly nodding their heads and adding their agreement)
Tanya: ... Don't you love me?! :: starts to cry in humorous anime way::
Mallory: What does this have to do with how we feel about you?
Grin: Even the smallest rock may divert the mightiest river...
(All of the team except Grin look at him with a confused look)
Duke: Whaaat??
Nosedive: Didn't you say that in that other episode?
Mallory: I KNOW that has nothing to do with how we feel about her.
Grin: I don't have a philosophical phrase for this situation, so I had to improvise.
(All the rest of the team sweatdrops, even though this is an American cartoon, and not anime)
(Wildwing's about to say something dashing and leader-like when the door makes that "whoosh" sound and opens to reveal... BILL CLINTON!! (not really, I'll make him die in a different fic) (ok, where was I... Ah yes!)
(Wildwing's about to say something dashing and leader-like when the door makes that "whoosh" sound and opens to reveal Phil talking a mile a minute (isn't that a great phrase?) on his cel phone.)
Phil: GREAT! They'll be there! See ya then, ciao!
(The team sighs, knowing who "they" are, and what "being there" means)
Phil: Babes! You'll never guess what I just got you on!
Mallory: Sports Illustrated.
Duke: Birdwatcher Annoynomous.
Nosedive: Wicked.
(The rest of the team looks at him in that "HUH?!" kind of way)
Nosedive: They're a freaky magazine that does stories on evil, dead things.
Wildwing: We're not dead!
Mallory: And I'm pretty sure we're not evil! ... Are we?
Nosedive: Well, ya never know, the actor's are always the last to know if the director decides to do one of those things where the sides get switched, and the bad guys are good and the good guys are bad, kinda like in Slayers, and yeah... I'll stop now.
Grin: If you do not find enlightenment, and aid your fellow man...
(Everyone else, except Phil sweatdrops again)
Phil: How did you do that?! Can you do it again?! That's amazing! I bet people'll pay to see that! I'm calling Ripley's! ::proceeds to take out the mighty cel phone of doom and do just that::
Duke: You certainly are easily amused Phil.
(Nosedive's talking to Grin)
Nosedive: Grinster, if you're gonna keep doin' this philosophy, wow I said a big word. Philosophy, philosophy, philosophy... Where was I? Oh yeah, if you're gonna keep doin' that thing, you're gonna have to start doing your homework and getting some new material man, no one wants to hear a big guy ramble about something he knows nothing about, we got Phil to do that, and besides, he gets payed to do it, k?
Grin: I am one with the universe, and you are one with my, wait a minute, I did it again, didn't I?
Nosedive: Yeah, but don't worry Grin, there're places where people like you can get help, places with nice people who deal with others just like you.
Mallory: You're making that up.
Nosedive: ::whispers to Mallory behind his hand:: Shh!! I'm tryin' to give him a little hope to hold on to!
Mallory: ::whispers:: Sorry. ::In normal voice:: Ya know, I'll bet he's right, Grin, I'm sure there are lots of places for people like you!
Grin: Be silent, and listen to the quiet voice within you that says...
Mallory: ::to Nosedive:: Do you think it's too late?
(Wildwing, Tanya, and Duke are staring at each other, and wandering around aimlessly, with Wildwing on constant watch to make sure no one offends Nosedive in any way, since they aren't being included in the conversation)
Nosedive: ::to Mallory:: It may be...
Phil: Boobies!! Mr. Ripley's gonna put you on the show! And since you're aliens, we'll get payed double!!
Duke: Oh I can't wait.
Phil: I'm glad you're so enthusiastic Duke! The rest of you should try to be more like him!
(This is interupted by Drake 1's alarm going off. Tanya rushes to go see what's going on, even though it always means the same thing)
Tanya: Drake 1's picking up some strange energy readings!
Nosedive: Well, THERE'S something that's never happened before!
Wildwing: Where?!
Tanya: In an abandoned building on the outskirts of town!
Mallory: It's probably just Scooby and the gang chasing some ghosts.
Nosedive: The setting does hold that certain... Mystery Gang charm, doesn't it?
Wildwing: Let's move out!
(they start to leave when Phil jumps in front of the elevator that leads to the place where they keep the Migrator, or, as I like to call it, the super garage)
Wildwing: What are you doing, mon?! Move out of the way!
Nosedive: ::cheerfully:: Yah mon!! Let's all talk like Jamacans, mon!
Grin: Mon... I suppose I could use that... Mon, mon, mon, it has a nice, spiritual ring to it...
Phil: NO! You always do this to me! Every time that overgrown alarm clock goes off, you go out and fight those lizards! And every time, you always manage to be late to a photo shoot!
Duke: ::snaps his fingers in the "Darn!" motion:: Well, I guess we'll have to find a new way to get out of em...
Wildwing: ::thinking::How'd he figure it out... ::talking:: Phil! We have to save the world! Move!
Nosedive: No more Jamacan...? No more mon? ::whimper:: I liked the mon...
Wildwing: ::quickly makes a mental note to add "mon" to the end of all his sentences:: Move, MON!!
Nosedive: ::happy::
Wildwing: ::happy seeing Nosedive happy::
Mallory: ::unhappy, wants to kick suarian arse::
Tanya: You, know, we really should, um, get moving. :gets dirty look from Wildwing:: Uh, I mean, we should get moving, mon.
Wildwing: Phil, move mon.
Phil: If you're going, I'm going with you!
Wildwing: ::doesn't even try with Phil, since making him say "mon" will make him even more annoying::
Duke: Phil, do you remember the last time you came with us mon?
(The whole team, and Phil have a flashback)
Everyone: ::stop flashbacking::
Phil: No, why?
Grin: :: picks up Phil, slings him over his shoulder, and begins to enter the elevator::
Duke: It's times like these that I'm glad he's on the team, mon.
(the team follows Grin into the elevator)
Nosedive: Going down, mon!

Hello! You're all probably wondering "What happened to killing Phil?" Well I'm working on it, mon! It's gonna be in either the next chapter or the one after that, so just be patient, dozo. Please review, and if ya want, you can e-mail me at NOSGETUKA33@aol.com, and if you wanna chat, I'm usually on from 11:00 to 4:00 or 7:00, ja, mon!