Author's Note: Again, I hope I haven't bored you yet. The title makes the whole thing pretty obvious, and the summary doesn't leave much for speculation either, but this is an RK-R1/2 Humor Piece, and I'm thinking, it's the process of the plot that's important. I just hope I get this done in a week's time. The characters (as usual) sometimes go OOC, but then as I've said in my other stories, I like it when characters go OOC, it makes for more funnies.
If you've noticed though, Kenshin goes OOC most of all. The reason behind this is: I simply think it's hilarious. I believe that behind Kenshin's rurouni smile lurks a smart-aleck mind. Kenshin isn't an idiot, only when it comes to his relationship with Kaoru, so the rurouni-smile shouldn't be construed as oblivion. At least, that's what I want to think. Anyway, I just love to play, don't you? And yes, (don't any of you kill me for this) I believe he does get jealous of others who seek Kaoru's affections.
Standard disclaimers apply. When I discover a genie in a lamp, I'll wish that I created RK and R1/2, but in the meantime, they aren't mine.
On with the story.
Chapter Two: Stories, Food and Observations In Between
Nabiki's Narration: Kaoru arrived in Nerima through the mirror one sunny day in 1987. 19 year old Ranma and 18 year old Akane have been engaged for two years and were nowhere near marrying each other. Happosai, being up to his old antics, was trying to get away with his biggest stash of stolen underwear yet. In case you haven't noticed, he's a panty stealing pervert. He used his mirror, probably to hide his loot somewhere in the 19th century, but he apparently blew it, because Kaoru came stumbling through.
Of course, Happosai stole Kaoru's underwear as well, never minding that he had summoned Kaoru from the Meiji Era. Sensing Kaoru's old and powerful soul, our resident Amazon ghoul came to the Tendou dojo and tried to bring Kaoru back with her to Joketsuzoku in China, a very ancient Amazon village.
Loathed on giving the ghoul anything that might benefit her, Ranma, Akane and Ryouga here acted on instinct. They kept Kaoru from being taken by Cologne.
Sano interrupts: Hey, you were talking to that ghoul a while ago, weren't you Jou-chan?
Nabiki: Jou-chan, he has interrupted me.
WHAM!
Kenshin gives a very soft "oro" while Sano lands facedown on the tabletop.
Nabiki's narration continues: Now where was I? Oh yes, Cologne. Cologne normally cannot be defeated in battle, even if she were up against three skilled martial artists. She's too wise, too experienced, and too good, but lo and behold, Kaoru-chan does her succession-whatchamacallit and defeats Cologne convincingly. Instead of giving Kaoru the kiss of death, Cologne, with her great grand daughter Shampoo become Kaoru's humble servants. Even Kaoru cannot explain how she beat Cologne, she just said she could. Cologne said it had something to do with Kaoru's ancient soul intensifying her "spiritual technique". Well, whatever the mumbo-jumbo is, Nodoka, Ranma's mother, took an instant liking to her. I think it's because they both practice budo. Nodoka adopted Kaoru until she could get back through the mirror. That didn't happen until four years later, when Happosai reappeared. In that four years, she became a fixture of Nerima, joined the chaos that Ranma envelopes about him like a shroud…
Ranma growled but kept quiet upon seeing Kaoru's bokken and Akane's mallet hovering.
…and went to college to get a physical education degree. I personally feel I had much to do with that because I provided her with the identity to exist and the fake high-school grades to get admitted to a university with a scholarship. 'Course, Kaoru had to threaten me with a Cologne-Shampoo-Muscle-Combo (they do whatever she says, which is how Ranma got out of his engagement with Shampoo eventually), but who am I to take it against her? I would have done the same. I am yet to convince Kaoru to join me on my quest as the conniving, calculating, moneymaking Ice Queen. After all, the best way to beat a foe is to get them to your side…
Kaoru sighs: Focus Nabiki!
Nabiki's narration continues: Aaanyway…she preferred to be a normal college kid, as far as Nerima's standards of normality goes, that is. Kaoru is an exceptional martial artist who could pull Ranma into a draw, if not to beat him completely, thus, Kuno-sempai's idiotic pursuit of her, aside from Akane and the pig-tailed girl, and Ryouga's "unconfused" thing for her.
Kaoru blinks: Eh?
Ryouga's jaw drops and notes with fear that Kenshin's eyes have gone slightly feral. Battousai peers at him with cold golden eyes before turning his attention back to Nabiki's story, at which time he got back his amethyst gaze.
Akane and Ranma noticed the amber eyes, looked at each other, and shuddered.
Nabiki: As I was saying, everybody loves Kaoru. Now let me digress. There is such a thing as a Jusenkio curses, existing as a cluster of springs. Each spring has a tragedy. Spring of drowned girl, drowned cat, drowned panda…you get the picture. Ranma obviously fell into the spring of drowned girl, so now he's cursed. Every time he gets wet with cold water, he turns into a girl. Hot water changes him back, but only until he gets doused with cold water again. You've seen the panda, then there's Shampoo who turns into a cat, Mouse, the Amazon male after her, turns into a duck, and probably a few more we don't know about. There are milieus of delightful Nannichuans out there with oodles of adorable drowned whatevers. Because Ranma wrecked the springs, no cure is currently available.
Ranma pouts quietly and grumbles confidentially to his wife: It ain't all my fault, you know!
Nabiki: Getting back to Kaoru, after four years in Nerima, Happosai cropped up again, and we got him to use the mirror to bring Kaoru back here. Akane and Ranma got this hair-brained idea about turning this trip into a honeymoon, being newly married and all, and for some reason, everyone just wanted to go with them…
Kaoru suddenly tapped Nabiki's shoulder with her bokken, giving the extortionist a deadly glare: You don't happen to know who spread the rumor that there was a cure for the curse here in the Meiji, do you? Because you know, if it wasn't for that rumor, the whole of Nerima wouldn't have really cared about a gosh-darn honeymoon, don't cha think? I suppose that kind of rumor could be pretty profitable, hmm?
Nabiki (obviously) feigned innocence: Well, whoever spread that rumor should be decked. I wonder myself who could be so irresponsible. Anyway, you all saw the fuss a while ago. The thing is, it seems that where Ranma or Kaoru go, the whole of Nerima follows. Thank goodness Kodachi, major psycho-bitch rhythmic-gymnastics-bimbo, isn't in on the parade this time. It was Kaoru's finest hour when she sent Kodachi to the loony bin. That's about it for now. Any questions?
End narration.
"Er…loony bin?" Kenshin asked, scratching his head.
"Kenshin, you idiot! Is that the only question you can think of?" Kaoru yelled, slamming her bokken on Kenshin's head.
"Orororororo!" he exclaimed, tumbling to his side in an absolute daze.
"Boy, this hitokiri sure could fake moronity really well," Ranma muttered aside.
Akane nodded. "No wonder he's so dangerous."
Sano heard their exchange and wanted to laugh to the highest heavens. He wondered briefly how they would react if he told them that Kenshin wasn't faking this one. He decided to let them think what they liked, figuring that they would catch on sooner or later. "Maa…Jou-chan," he said to placate her. "It's just too much at once."
It was not every day that Sano became the voice of reason, and it struck Kaoru dumb enough to let her irritation dissipate. "I guess it is…" she admitted.
Megumi had noticed Sano's flash of wisdom as well; thought it too weird to take the trouble to figure out an explanation, and contented herself with raising an inquisitive eyebrow at Kaoru.
Kaoru shrugged in return. "Beats me. I'm the one who's been gone for four years."
Kenshin recovered from his stupor and gave a groan as he sat up. "I think I better make dinner," he announced, staggering to his feet.
"He cooks too? Next thing you know he'll be doing the laundry," Ukyo said in disbelief. When the look on Kaoru's face told her that he did THAT as well, Ukyo shook her head in wonder. "I think I'm going to start 'oroing' as badly as he does. What have you been feeding him, sugar?" She asked Kaoru.
Yahiko sputtered in laughter and Kaoru gave him a deadly glare.
Yahiko grinned, shook his head and waved a hand. "Naa. Too easy."
Kenshin whipped up a dinner for seventeen. Though there were only eleven of them, Akane had warned him about Ranma and Genma's three-for-one appetites. Considering Sano had that same talent, he adjusted the portions just to make sure none of the women would be robbed of their share.
Dinner was nothing Kenshin had ever seen before.
The moment they all sat down to eat, Kaoru and Genma made a mad dash for their chopsticks and a mini-battle ensued. Genma tried to get as much food as he can while Kaoru defended the victuals valiantly. After several hundred attempts in rapid succession, Genma's plate was as empty as it was when he began his attack. Finally, Kaoru caught his chopsticks in hers, ending the match.
It was then that Nabiki distributed the proceeds of the bets.
It became normal after that, relatively. Genma still tried his luck, but this time, only on Ranma. The pig-tailed man preserved the honor of his plate while stuffing his face with godlike speed.
"Who will feed P-chan?" Akane asked, ignoring her husband and father-in-law in their confined chaos.
Ryouga stiffened at the question, which was noticed by Kenshin who wondered why, while Kaoru gave a smooth reply. "I will, just as soon as dinner is over."
"Come to think of it, I haven't seen the little porker in a while," Sano said.
There was a snap, and a red-faced Ryouga began to apologize through grit teeth. "I am sorry. I seemed to have forgotten my strength again," he said, holding the miserable pieces of his chopsticks.
Akane giggled. "You always do, Ryouga-kun."
Kaoru shook her head, thankful of Ryouga's restraint. "Have my chopsticks, Ryouga-kun. I'll get myself a new set. We don't want you getting lost on the way to the kitchen." She stood up, disappearing behind the partitions.
Ryouga stared blankly at her retreating figure. "She…gave me her set…because she didn't want me to get lost…" He said with a dreamy expression on his face.
Everyone looked at him as the words escaped him. Even Ranma and Genma stopped their food duel to stare.
"Yahoo…" Nabiki said sarcastically. There was little doubt about it now. He had acted the same way with Akane, and Kaoru was probably just as clueless.
Nabiki wasn't the only one who was able to put two and two together. They all figured it out somehow, and Ranma, the only one who knew all about it, uttered an expletive about Ryouga's less-than-superior brain-to-mouth connection.
Kenshin tried for rurouni innocence through his grit teeth. Why, the little sneak…
Kaoru reappeared, taking her place on the dinner table. She was completely unaware of what had occurred, and her oblivion prompted all of them to continue with dinner.
After dinner, Kaoru assigned the rooms before turning to the task of washing the dishes.
"Ranma and Akane, you can take the guestroom at the end of the hallway," she said. "Nabiki and Ukyo, you'll be sharing my room with me, and Yahiko, you'll be accommodating Genma and Ryouga-kun."
"Er…" Ryouga began uncomfortably. "Forgive me for being prissy, but Genma…the way he snores…it will keep me awake all night. If it's all the same to you, Kaoru-chan, I'd rather camp out in your front yard. It's really no problem for me."
Kaoru frowned. "Ryouga, don't be silly! I'll allow no one to sleep outside when there's a perfectly good roof to shelter everyone!"
Ranma grinned. "And what if it rains, oiker?"
Ryouga glared at him, his fists clenching. "Saotome…I swear one of these days…"
"Kaoru-dono and Ranma-dono are right, if I may say so," Kenshin said, his rurouni smile brighter than ever. "It would not do. If Genma-dono bothers you, you could share a room with this unworthy one."
For some reason, Ranma began to sputter in laughter while Ryouga visibly paled. Akane and Ukyo smothered a giggle.
"This should be interesting," Nabiki muttered, already bringing out her recorder. Where to hide it…
Ryouga had little choice in the matter. "O-Of course, Kenshin-sama. I would be honored to be your roommate."
Kenshin nodded, still smiling, but Nabiki could have sworn she saw a hint of glittering gold in Battousai's eyes. Very interesting indeed.
Kenshin washed the dishes and Kaoru dried them.
The steady pattern of soap, rinse and dry gave Kenshin much opportunity to observe Kaoru intently.
Alright, she hasn't changed back into her kimono. She's still in that skimpy ensemble and she's completely comfortable in it!
He asked himself why her clothing was such an issue. Misao dressed that way all the time, and somehow, Kaoru's get up was still more conservative than the Oniwabanshu's Okashira.
You know the difference. His head thrummed. Misao's a sixteen-year-old weasel-girl. Kaoru's a nineteen--no, a twenty-three year old, rather well developed, woman of grace…most of the time. Well, the fact is, she's more graceful than Misao…oro…anybody's more graceful than Misao. Aaanyway! The bottom line being, those short pants look a heck of a lot better on Kaoru than they ever will on weasel-girl.
Apart from her wardrobe and hairstyle, something else had changed in her. The childish eyes were gone, replaced with wisdom and maturity. She certainly did not look old. Her face hadn't a single wrinkle and her body was at the height of its…well, suppleness, but he could feel that her aura was more weighted. Not burdened, but experienced. She manifested it in her gait. Whereas before she had radiated a certain naïve confidence, now she had self-possession and an air of being completely aware of her surroundings. She had grown.
At least that kind of solves the age problem. "Oro!" he exclaimed softly.
"Something wrong, Kenshin?" she asked with a somewhat weary smile.
Startled out of his reverie, he tried to give a casual reply. "I-I'm fine."
She nodded a bit, then she spoke again. "Kenshin, do you any of you realize that I've been gone for four years and that I've missed you all so terribly?" She asked, her eyes watering in spite of the chuckle that escaped her.
Kenshin stared at her. How could he be…such a jerk? He suddenly felt horrible that none of them had thought about how she must be coping. "K-Kaoru-dono…a thousand apologies! We didn't think…this unworthy one…"
Kaoru waved a hand to forestall his apologies. "It's alright, Kenshin. It's not your fault. To you and the others, I was only gone for a few seconds. It's…"
Kenshin turned and caught her hand in a soapy and dripping wet grasp. He noted with distaste that some soapsuds had splattered to her shoes in his idiotic pursuit to ease her hurt. Kyoto…that date after Shishio…add this to the list, why don't cha. "I am so very sorry. The time does not matter, Kaoru-dono. When you disappeared into that mirror, those five seconds you were gone petrified me. I was so afraid that something bad had happen to you and that I'd never get you back. When you reappeared, I was so happy that I just wanted to hold you to make sure you were safe, but then all those others started pouring into the yard. It was absolute chaos, and suddenly this unworthy one's worries seemed so trivial."
Kaoru choked on a sob and a chuckle. She threw her arms around his neck and he had to remind himself to breathe.
Kenshin blinked, not quite sure how to react. In a moment, he returned her embrace with his own, the soapsuds ruining her blouse.
They stood silently together for quite some time until Kaoru finally decided to pull away from him.
Sniffling, she let out a laugh. "Sorry, Kenshin, but I did miss all of you. I imagine that the rest of Edo will be getting the same dose as well. I'm just glad I got that out of my system."
"Do you feel better now, Kaoru-dono?" Kenshin asked.
Kaoru smiled, wiping tears from her face. "Much. Thank you."
Kenshin smiled back and affectionately bumped Kaoru's shoulder with his own. "How about we go out tomorrow to revisit the places you've missed the most?"
"I'd like that, Kenshin! We can even ask Sano and Yahiko to come!" She exclaimed.
"Of course. What a wonderful idea!" He replied. Can't believe she wants the freeloader and the kid-samurai to tag along. I can't believe I "sort of" asked her out on a date. I can't believe she didn't get the hint!
I can't believe he "sort of" asked me out on a date. I can't believe he agreed to bring along the rooster head and the brat. I can't believe I even suggested it! Kaoru didn't know whether she wanted to laugh, cry, or hit herself.
"We have to sneak out though, or else the whole of Nerima will follow," she told him as she arranged the plates neatly on the rack.
"O-Of course." Sneak out?
"Honestly, since Nerima, I haven't had a moment's peace," she said with a sigh. "I couldn't even take a bath without someone walking in on me."
At this, Kenshin blushed and his eyes glowed amber.
Kaoru chuckled. She's never seen Battousai embarrassed before. She decided to tease, just to see where it got her. "Worse thing is, I didn't have a storage room to punish offenders with," she said to remind him of the time HE had walked in on her bath.
This eliminated the blush immediately but kept the glow of gold. "There were MEN who walked in on you?!?"
Oops! "Er…Ryouga--"
"Ryouga…" he growled beneath his breath.
"I punished him, of course," Kaoru said hastily. Then I had a long talk with Kasumi the last couple of times it happened again. The eldest Tendou daughter had a tendency to trick people, particularly those of the opposite sex, into bathroom scenarios. "Painfully," she added.
Battousai disappeared and Kensin came back
Kaoru endeavored to steer the subject to calmer waters. "Then of course, there's Nabiki bugging the entire house with her recorders…Genma and Soun trying to eavesdrop all the time…Ranma's fiancées trying to defeat me because they thought I was a threat…then Kuno…"
"Ryouga is special, yes?" Kenshin suddenly asked without meeting eyes with her.
Kaoru wondered briefly where the question came from, then she gave a shrug. "I guess he is. He's one of my best friends over there. It wasn't always like that. At the beginning, I really hated him. I thought he was an absolute pervert. It began with this cute little pig Akane had around the house. The pig was adorable, and when Akane wasn't around, it was my pet."
"P-chan?" Kenshin guessed.
Kaoru nodded. "Exactly."
I thought that bandana looked suspicious.
Kaoru continued with her story. ""One day, I decided to take P-chan to the bath with me. After a hard fight, I finally managed to shove him into the furo. Well, you could imagine what happened after that. I was so angry I beat the hell out of him. I told him I would tell Akane, but as luck would have it, Akane gets kidnapped that very night by some weird demon. We all went on the mission to save her, and it was on that mission Ryouga saved my life. Actually, he saved me from being drenched by water from remnants of the Spring of Drowned Man. I was indebted to him, but all he asked from me was that I not tell Akane about his curse. Regretfully, I had to agree, so I've never told Akane, and eventually, Ryouga and I stopped fighting. I don't know how, but we became friends."
He wanted to ask if she knew Ryouga wanted to be more than friends but their privacy was interrupted by Nabiki dragging in a very battered Kuno who was tied hand and foot.
"Oh, sweet Kamiya Kaoru. Thy beauty doth relinquish my soul of the suffering hither Ice-Queen hath dealt upon my corporeal self! I see in thine heart the purity and virtue that doth find this a corruption upon my wonderful body! Hearken to have me released, so that we may come together in this blessed night of ancient glory!" Kuno rambled with a swollen eye.
He talks funny, thought Kenshin without the least bit of amusement. Where does this fool get off proclaiming himself to Kaoru like some sort of lunatic?
"Kuno, you can't stay here," Kaoru said flatly.
Kenshin flashed a brilliantly innocent smile. Well, that's one consolation.
Nabiki snickered. "Kuno baby, I told you to let me do the talking, but you just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you?"
"How could I bear my peace when heaven hast sent me a blessing in Kamiya Kaoru's stead?" He continued. "With Akane succumbing to that vile Saotome in marriage and my pig-tailed goddess nowhere to be found, it is a sign from the stars that fate has brought me to this raven-haired vision of sublimity. Come, Kamiya Kaoru! Let us date!"
Kenshin gave him an amber-eyed glare. What is it with these Nerima men? He had completely missed the fact that the absence of Battousai in Nerima had increased Kaoru's stats in the suitor area. "Kamiya Kaoru isn't the least bit available you blubbering moron," Battousai muttered.
Nabiki and Kaoru raised a questioning eyebrow at the declaration.
"Not available?" Kaoru asked, her heart fluttering a bit. "Since when was I not available? Are you going to pull a Whitney-Houston-Kenvin-Constner Bodyguard thingie on me?" She had seen the movie, thought it terrible at the time, and shuddered at the less-than-Oscar-winning performance, but right now, it was suddenly the most romantic movie in the world. She knew her bodyguard wouldn't understand what it meant, which is why she had been so bold to say it in the first place.
Kenshin hadn't the slightest idea what a whitney-whachamacallit-bodyguard-thingie was, but he had understood the words that preceded it. Chikuso! Did I just say she wasn't available OUT LOUD?
Kuno, being the ignorance-is-bliss type, was not fazed. "Ah! My destiny has come forth! To battle the great Hitokiri Battousai for the hand of Kamiya-san! I challenge -- "
Nabiki cupped a hand on Kuno's mouth. "Come on, Tacchi, you're staying in the woodshed, unless you want to lose your head, ne? Come on now."
Nabiki dragged him out with a severely miffed Battousai watching them. "Who the hell does he think he is?" He muttered under his breath.
Kaoru gently placed her hand on his shoulder and tiptoed to whisper in his ear. "The only thing dangerous about him is his ego, and his stupidity. You just have to get used to him, that's all."
The rurouni came bounding back into his senses. He didn't know what surprised him more: The physical contact of her hand, or the tingling brush of her breath on his ear. He gulped. Get a grip, Himura!
Kaoru realized that her four-years-ago self would never have done such a thing, but pop culture can really get to a person. She blushed at her lapse and stepped back.
"Er…Nerima seems to be a breeding ground for…" Kenshin began, searching his brain for a polite word.
"Weirdos?" Kaoru supplemented. "Yeah. They crawl out of the woodwork. You don't know half of it, but I'd be glad to tell you all about it one of these days. It's pretty entertaining."
Kenshin could hardly wait.
They finished washing the dishes and were soon heading to their respective rooms.
"Goodnight, Kenshin," she said, taking his hand to squeeze it warmly.
"Goodnight, Kaoru-dono," he replied, squeezing back.
The shoji doors slid shut.
To be continued…