I am so sorry that this is taking forever, but I can only hope that this so-called grueling saga is entertaining enough to bear. Like I said, I am totally after the laughs. A reviewer requested that the Kenshin-gumi get some airtime. This chapter begins it with Kenshin. Don't you worry, Sano, Yahiko and Megumi are up next. I will be laying the foundation for that in the following chapter.

Sadly, no matter how hard I try, I cannot keep my stories short. It's some sort of a curse for me, like Ryouga's tendency to get lost (A curse I actually share with him. I stink at directions. Ask anybody.).

Standard disclaimers apply. "Rurouni Kenshin" (c) Watsuki Nobuhiro, Shuiesha, Shounen Jump, and Sony. I do not own RK, pray as I might, every night, it just wouldn't happen that way. No matter how many candles I light, no matter how many chickens I decapitate…

Pig-Boy Romances Tanuki-chan

By anna-neko

Chapter Three: Rurouni vs. Battousai vs. Bacon-breath (Weirdest Face-off Ever in the Meiji)

Kenshin entered his room and discovered Ryouga standing in the corner, staring at the wall and scratching his head.

Kenshin stayed where he was for several seconds without saying a word, as if trying to figure the oddity out. This boy is just too weird for my Kaoru-dono, he thought with disapproval.

He had never thought himself worthy of Kaoru's pure soul. He considered himself too stained, too guilty, but he wasn't about to give her away to some idiot either. Nobody is worthy of her, was his next irrational thought. Therefore, she will never marry and she will become an old maid…there was something utterly wrong about his reflections, he realized with an inward groan.

"I could've sworn…" Ryouga muttered, looking from side to side in wonder.

Kenshin continued to observe him, his mind forming systematic thoughts. Ryouga had managed to deceive Kaoru before in the most horrible way possible. To be her and Akane's pet-pig! Of course the girls would fall for his cute-animal charms! Girls like cute things.

He was fairly certain that Kaoru had dealt the proper punishment when she found out. Brutality is one of her many unique quirks. Sometimes he could have done without it, admittedly, but she wouldn't be Kaoru if she didn't beat people up. Hmph! I ought to beat him to a pulp anyway.

He couldn't get it out of his head that sometime, somehow, in the past, the pig had been admitted into either Akane's or Kaoru's room, especially Kaoru's room. At least Akane had Ranma to protect her most of the time, but Kaoru had to protect herself. Ryouga could have…seen things he wasn't supposed to see. Just for that, Kenshin considered whipping up some butadon a la yellow bandana.

Kenshin could feel his gaze turning Hitokiri that very moment.

But Battousai, he did save her life, particularly her womanhood. Kaoru has enough…femininity issues to come to terms with. If she had to deal with turning into a boy whenever she got wet, she'd probably pop that proverbial vein in her forehead. Okay, just for that, I'm not going to make him tomorrow's lunch.

The rurouni returned quite serenely, but the Hitokiri was stubborn.

The sneak didn't waste any time though. He probably tried to make moves on Kaoru the moment her inherent kindness and sense of righteousness kicked in. I imagine she couldn't stay mad for long, after having beaten the crap out of him and with him saving her from that horrible Nannichuan…argh! Son-of-a-

Maa…maa…so far, he has comported himself like a true gentleman. Imbecilic, and perhaps short of temper with Saotome Ranma, but the girls seem to like teasing him, which could very well mean that he lets them do so without them having to fear his wrath, or even his disdain. The idiot…putty in women's hands.

You know, you keep calling him an idiot, but in case you've forgotten, you haven't exactly been a genius in Kaoru101. And speaking of putty, when it comes to Kaoru, you aren't exactly made of firmer stuff.

Kenshin frowned at his own musings. One thing about Battousai was that he could spew out the vilest thoughts that the rurouni can only hope to manage.

So what am I suppose to do? Threaten him to stay away from Kaoru?

Bad idea. Kaoru likes Ryouga after all. She would never stand for such a thing. Besides, bullying was never to my taste.

"Ryouga, what are you doing?" Kenshin asked as politely as he could. It occurred to him that Ryouga didn't get an honorific tagged to his name. An idiot after my Kaoru-dono doesn't deserve to get one from ME.

Ryouga whirled around to face him, his expression a mixture of relief, embarrassment and a little dread. "K-Kenshin-sama! Umm…I was just…er, trying to find the futon." He hastily made for the mattress as soon as he said it.

Kenshin squinted at him in confusion. Of all the oddball things…Kenshin-SAMA he says? Well, not such an idiot after all, is he? A slight smirk filtered its way to Kenshin's lips, and there was nothing rurouni about it. "I have no doubt that I heard you right, Ryouga," he said, preparing for bed. "After all that's happened, I think my standards for strangeness have considerably altered. However, I would like to know more about it. How can you not find your futon in a relatively small room like this?"

"It's a curse," Ryouga began, slipping beneath the blankets.

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed. How many curses can one person have?

"I get lost very easily," Ryouga continued shamefacedly. "I usually get used to a room after I get lost in it once, but it's about the only amount of space I can handle. It's…very stressful."

"Ah. Hence the lost boy comments, I see," Kenshin responded, changing into his robe. "It's a good thing you found my room."

"Well, Ranma helped," Ryouga replied in a matter of fact tone.

Kenshin had meant it as a joke, and he was somewhat flustered that Ryouga hadn't. "How lost can you get, if you don't mind me asking?"

Ryouga wrinkled his nose then gave a sniff. That maneuver lasted only about a couple of seconds. He hated talking about any of his curses, but he wasn't about to snub the Bakumatsu's greatest assassin. "Put it this way. If I go to the bathroom now, I could be in China the next day."

"Ah…I see…"

"The only reason I haven't wandered off this time is because Ranma's been kinda looking out for me," Ryouga explained, putting his hands behind his head like a pillow. He gave an inward wince. He supposed Ranma's "Not that way, oinker, this way!" was better than nothing.

Kenshin raised an eyebrow. Ryouga was turning out to be stranger than he thought. Perhaps it's wise to…know the enemy?

Shame on you Battousai! The war ended a decade ago! Ryouga's just a poor, moronic boy who turns into a pig! Give him a break!

Might I remind you about Bacon-breath being in a room of a certain cute kendo instructor?

Oro! Interrogate the mother-fu…!

Ryouga was getting a bit nervous. Was he seeing things, or were Kenshin's eyes flashing two different colors? One second his amethyst pools were speckled with tints of amber, the next second it would be the other way around. He didn't know lighting could do that…

"Your relationship with Ranma-dono confuses me, if you'll allow me to be frank," Kenshin started, settling himself on the futon. "You seem to hate him with a passion, but you can eat dinner with him, stay in the same house with him, and even laugh with him. I've never seen such congenial enemies in my entire life." An image of him, laughing with Saitoh, caused him to shudder.

Ryouga gave a little sigh. "It is complicated, and the fact is, I do consider Ranma more of a friend now than an enemy, but you saw how he could get my goat. We used to have to settle such things with a huge battle, chi-attacks and everything, but now we don't go that far anymore."

"Why did you hate him so much before?" Kenshin asked.

Long story…not going anywhere…Battousai. Check. Ryouga cleared his throat before continuing. "Basically it was a series of events, starting years ago, when I was in a boys' school with him. During lunch, there would be a mob of guys in the cafeteria clamoring for every piece of bread. For some reason, he always managed to get the piece I wanted. Do you have any idea how annoying that is?"

Kenshin thought about it, remembered Sano, and nodded.

"So you understand why I eventually got fed up with him. I challenged him to a fight, and when I got to the battle grounds, he wasn't there!"

Kenshin blinked in surprise. Somehow, it didn't mesh with Ranma's personality to run away from a fight. "Eh? He didn't show up?"

Ryouga turned a bit red. "Well, he said he did. Ranma wouldn't lie, but I sort of got lost…he said he got tired of waiting for me to show up. He still shouldn't have left though. It had only been three days!"

Kenshin kept his peace. He didn't even smile, but his brain was laughing almost on overload. Three days!?! Oh, this is too much! I don't even have to beat him in a fight! I'd just say "Look! Behind you!" and he would be in Yokohama faster than I can do an Amakakeru Ryu No Hirameki.

Maa…that's not nice…

Bacon-breath.

Carry on.

Ryouga continued with his story. "I was determined to get my revenge so I followed him, all the way to China and Jusenkio. When I was there he and his father…knocked me into a spring. By accident, he tells me."

"Spring of drowned pig?" Kenshin asked with a raised an eyebrow.

Ryouga's eyes widened. "How did you know?"

Kenshin flashed Ryouga a rurouni smile. "Kaoru-dono told me."

Ryouga went pale, inching away from Kenshin a bit. "D-did she tell you how she found out?"

"Yes."

Ryouga's heart stopped for a second before he began to blubber. "I swear! I didn't mean to --"

"Maa…maa…" Kenshin said in a quiet voice. I'll get you for it some other time. "We'll talk about that later. I want to know about you and Ranma-dono. Then what happened?"

Ryouga gulped and continued. "Well, after that, I really had to get revenge. Eventually, I found him in Nerima, living with the Tendous. He was arranged to marry Akane Tendou, so everyone thought they didn't love each other. I guess you know I became Akane's pet pig. She doesn't know I'm P-chan because the only ones who do are Ranma and Kaoru. I got Ranma to swear not to tell her in exchange for the dishonor he unwittingly dealt me in the past. I guess you know how I got Kaoru to hush it. Eventually, I fell in love with Akane and I hated Ranma for the times he would hurt Akane by calling her names and insulting her cooking. I was determined to get Akane out of that engagement so she and I could get married, but then it turns out they were in love. Everyone was just too blind to see it. Ranma's other fiancées wrecked the first wedding ceremony. I was kinda there to help in the destruction. They didn't get married, and a year later, Kaoru arrived. She put a lot of things in perspective. She got Cologne and Shampoo to drop the engagement Shampoo had with Ranma. Then after a while, Kaoru got Ukyo to drop the engagement as well. To this day, no one knows how she did it. Kodachi was packed off to the crazy-house, where she belongs after Kaoru got her to crack during a Martial Arts Gymnastics tournament. With all the other fiancées out of the way, it became easier for Ranma and Akane to admit their feelings. They got married soon after and I saw no point to fighting Ranma if Akane loved him. I guess I just do the 'Die Saotome' thing out of habit. Besides, I've sort of…met someone."

Kenshin raised an eyebrow and slipped under his sheets calmly. "The story on how Ranma-dono acquired four fiancées will have to wait, it seems. But I'll say this: You and the rest of Nerima must have led fascinating lives. As for Kaoru-dono, it does not surprise me that she got rid of all those fiancées for Ranma-dono. She is the kindest soul in all of Japan, and she makes a habit out of helping people, even if it means risking her life. I think that is why this unworthy loves her, and that is why I think you love her too, Ryouga."

Ryouga froze, looking at him with panic. Oh, those horrible feral eyes!

Kenshin managed a small and mysterious smile. "The Hitokiri Battousai won't kill you for loving the same woman he does. This unworthy one won't even kill you if she falls in love with you, but one thing, though…if you hurt her in any way, this unworthy one and Battousai will kill you. Slowly."

Ryouga gulped but continued to look at him. When one came from Nerima, one never took threats lightly. "I would never hurt Kaoru-chan," he said with a frown. The mere implication that he was capable of such a thing didn't jive with him.

Kenshin shrugged. "You never know," he said, thinking about Kyoto, and the way he almost lost her when he practically gave up in Rakuninmura. She had forgiven him, of course, which meant a lot to him. Amber became amethyst in an instant. "Well, her well being means everything to me. I am fairly certain that no one can love her more than I do, Bacon-breath-dono." He stopped at his own words. Did he just call Ryouga Bacon-breath-dono?

He did. Oh well…

"What?!?" Ryouga exclaimed, sitting up on his futon and curling a fist. "How dare you…! FYI, grandpa, I've known her longer than you have!"

Kenshin blinked. Wait a minute, that's true. Well, SO WHAT! "It doesn't matter. Kaoru-dono and I have gone through too much. It more than makes up for the time lapse. You only saved her life once. I've saved her life, what, dozens of times. And who are you calling grandpa, if you'll pardon me asking?"

Ryouga smirked amidst his inner turmoil. There was something vaguely familiar about all this. "You know, I'd fight you and all that, but I have respect for elders." He thought briefly how that wasn't true in Happosai's case, maybe even in Cologne's case, but hey, that didn't matter right now.

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed, rising from his futon as well, glaring menacingly. "I ought to teach you a lesson, you little porker, but that would be stooping to your pig-sty. I hardly even consider you a threat. Kaoru-dono has more sense than to fall for an idiot like you."

Ryouga growled. "Four years, grandpa. I've known her for four years. I know what she likes, I know what she hates. She loves french-fries, she loves to play basketball, and she likes R.E.M. Oh, wait a minute that's right, you don't know what those things are! My, my, my, isn't that an advantage over you…"

"Kaoru-dono has more depth than that, Bacon-breath-dono," Kenshin told him loftily. "I don't have to know all that to get her to love me. Here in the Meiji, we don't need all that junk to romance a woman."

"Feh! I'll show you…" Ryouga muttered, plopping down on his futon and pulling the sheets to his shoulders.

"You do that, Bacon-breath-dono," Kenshin returned, tucking himself into bed as well.

Ryouga lay with his back to Kenshin. "Stop calling me that!"

Kenshin faced the wall and grunted. "Oh, kiss mine, porker."

"Old geezer," Ryouga grumbled before complete silence fell over the room.

Nabiki suppressed an excited howl of laughter as she slid the headphones from off her ears. Oh, I just love battery-powered receivers!

Bacon-breath-dono? Old geezer? It was better than she thought! She didn't think it would go down so soon, but barely half-an-hour being alone in a room, Battousai and Pig-boy were at each other's throats already.

The profits! She couldn't believe she could start so soon!

A giggle of delight escaped her lips.

"Nabiki-chan, what's so funny?" Kaoru asked a bit drowsily from her futon.

Nabiki grinned. "Oh nothing. Just something I remembered. Go back to sleep."

Kaoru sighed sleepily and drifted off.

Nabiki hid her equipment and then snuggled into her bed. This will be her best racket yet.

To be continued…