SURTOUT, JE CROIS A L'AMOUR - Chapter 2
I lay awake in the small, dirty bed in my small, dirty hotel room all night that night, thinking about her, and what I said. I lay there chastising myself over walking out of the room, instead of seizing the moment.
Her face invaded my thoughts, my dreams (for the two seconds I did get to sleep) and all my waking hours. I got out of bed, frustrated, and sat down at my desk, trying to write the story my publisher needed. What my pen scripted, however, was not a story, but a song.
After my fit of inspiration had faded, I knew that I had to see her again. Going on the hope that she was still at the nightclub, I threw on some decent clothes and ran all the way there, hoping against hope.
I gave the fee to the bouncer and pushed my way through, looking for Jack Hartley. Thanking God that he recognized me, he sent me straight up to Sarah's room. I knocked, and was greeted by a harried "Who is it?"
Mustering my courage, and remembering what she had said to me, I called back, "A gorgeous writer who's come to serenade you."
The door opened, and I was once again lost in the beauty and depth of her eyes. She ushered me in, but there was a closure in her stance that hadn't been there earlier tonight. I closed the door behind me, and turned back to find her sitting on the couch, looking at me.
"Any particular reason you came back?" she asked me. "I already told you, I never listen to my heart, and much as it pained me, I didn't this time either."
"Maybe you don't, but you did say you are in love with my work, no matter how much I want that love to be me. So, please, just listen to this song I wrote. No prizes for guessing whom it's about." I finished my monologue, and took a deep breath before looking at her hopefully.
"I'm listening," she said, putting her chin in her hands and leaning forward. Just as I did the last time, I wished that my voice would not desert me before launching into the song that I had written just minutes earlier.
"Baby you're so beautiful
And when I'm near you I can't breathe
A girl like you gets who she wants
When she wants it
You're so out of my league
I show you no emotion
Don't let you see what your doin' to me
I imagine the two of us together
But I been livin' in reality
Fear of rejection, kept my love inside
But time is running out, so damn my foolish pride
I don't care if you think I'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
'Cos I've got no fear of losin' you
You can't lose what you never had
Now I'm gonna confess that I love you
I been keepin' it inside feelin' I could die
Now if you turn away then that's O.K
At least we'll have a moment before
You say good-bye
You can't lose what you never had
Rules are made for breakin'
Nothin' ventured nothin' gained
I'll be no worse off than I am right now
And I might never get the chance again
Fear of rejection, kept my love inside
Told my heart I didn't want you but I lied
I don't care if you think I'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
'Cos I've got no fear of losin' you
You can't lose what you never had
Now I'm gonna confess that I love you
I been keepin' it inside feelin' I could die
Now if you turn away then that's O.K
At least we'll have a moment before
You say good-bye
You can't lose what you never had
Here on the outside lookin' in
Don't wanna start dreamin' 'bout
What could have been
I need to hear you speak my name
Even if you shoot me down in flames
I don't care if you think I'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
'Cos I've got no fear of losin' you
You can't lose what you never had
Now I'm gonna confess that I love you
I been keepin' it inside feelin' I could die
Now if you turn away then that's O.K
At least we'll have a moment before
You say good-bye
You can't lose what you never had
You can't lose what you never had...."
I finished the song, and turned to walk out the room once more, and most likely out of her life. Or I would have if she hadn't stopped me by placing one hand on my shoulder, spinning me around, and giving me the most mind-blowing kiss I had ever had. It seemed to last forever, my world spinning, my heart doing back flips.
Finally, we pulled away. I looked at her in awe, in amazement, and perhaps, in confusion. She smiled, and took my hand, pulling me onto the bed. "I guess my heart needed to be dealt with," she said, before leaning in to kiss me again.
The next morning, we walked into rehearsals for the musical together. The guys cheered when they saw that I had coaxed the Queen of Hearts into performing with us. Sam and Augustus wasted no time in getting her up on the makeshift stage we had constructed.
She was given a script, and we proceeded with the rehearsal as usual, except that all my writing, every bit of heart and soul I put into making it real, was for her. We would exchange secret looks, although I don't believe the others noticed anything. I did, however, see Sam giving me a sideways look and a thumbs-up. I gave him a glance that could silence a rifle, and he wisely did no more.
We continued our secret affair. We would sit around my hotel room for hours on end, with her being my inspiration for writing. Of course, I would sometimes have to be, let us say, 'inspired' with a kiss.
I came to see her shows every night, cheering and clapping as any other man would, and then sneaking up to her dressing room for a private congratulations. No one knew about us, especially not Jack Hartley. Sarah was especially afraid of his finding out. One night, though, her show ended in tears.
Sarah was up on stage, kicking her legs high and enticing the men around her. Suddenly, she seemed to falter, and before I could do anything, she had collapsed. Jack Hartley picked her up and carried her to the back of the nightclub, while the other dancers did their best to make up for the Queen's absence.
Not being allowed to go to her, and not daring for fear of being caught, I could do nothing until I saw her the next day when she came to my hotel room. She looked pale, and withdrawn, and the helplessness in her eyes drew me to her side. I carried her to the bed, laid her down.
"What happened to you last night?" I asked her tenderly, afraid of what the answer would be but desperately needing to know.
"I don't know," she replied. "One minute I was up there on stage, dancing, going through the paces, and the next I woke up with all these faces around me and a wet cloth on my forehead. I must have fainted or something, from the heat." She fell back on the pillow, exhausted.
I stroked her cheek, loving her more with each minute. "Maybe you're getting sick of hiding this thing between us from everyone," I joked. "Maybe it's time to come clean to everyone."
The way she looked at me in the seconds before she realized I was kidding, the horror and disbelief on her face, I truly hope I never see an expression like that again, especially marring her features.
"Very funny, Harm," she told me, punching me lightly on the arm before closing her eyes. I got worried. This wasn't the energetic, lively person I fell in love with. She seemed...I don't know, empty, almost.
"Are you sure you're okay?" I asked her. "Maybe you should take a few days off work, you know, relax."
She sat up, kissed me on the cheek. 'So considerate. No, I'll be fine. I just need a good sleep, that's all." She stood up and walked to the door, kissing me passionately before exiting. "I'll see you later."
I sunk down into the one ratty couch the hotel provided wanting desperately to go after her, but knowing that I had to give her room. She was going to see her fiancé now, and I certainly couldn't follow her there.
We had tried to avert any sort of suspicion by never coming to rehearsals for 'Absolutely Fabulous' together, and I didn't visit the nightclub where she worked as often as I would have liked, though that may have been as due to my lack of funds as it was to our need for secrecy.
I put my feet up on the headboard of the bed, getting lost in my thoughts. I knew that I loved her, there was absolutely no question of that. And I had confidence in the fact that she loved me. It was just that, well, I was sick of all the hiding. I wanted to shout it on the rooftops, tell the world about the amazing woman I was in love with.
Days flew by. I spent most of them with Sarah and the guys, although she had to visit her fiancée every second night to keep up our charade.
I would never admit it to my angel, but I was insanely jealous of the man she was promised to. Somehow, the dumber part of me had sworn to her that I wouldn't get jealous should she choose visiting him over me. That was a promise I would never be able to keep.
One cold, rainy day, as I was working on the writing of our production, Sarah burst into my hotel room. Her cloak was covered by a fine moist of rain, her hair was wet, hanging in her face. Grabbing a towel, I jumped up and ran over to her.
She took off her coat and stood there, shivering, as I wrapped the towel and my arms around her. I dried her hair and hugged her close, trying to warm her up. It was only then that I noticed the tears running down her face, which I had mistaken for rain.
"What's wrong?" I asked, brushing her tears away with my thumb. I brushed the hair off her forehead, kissed her as the tears continued to fall. She hiccuped, stumbling over to the bed.
I followed her and sat down beside her as the sobs racked her body. I stroked her hair, rubbed her back, wanting her to tell me, but wondering if maybe, just maybe, it had something to do with me.
"Wanna tell me what happened to make you run in here like you did?" I asked softly, gently tipping her chin up, so that she was looking into my eyes.
She sniffed, wiping her tears away almost angrily. Then she sat up straight, her eyes seeming somehow dead and alive at the same time. She looked at me, the tears threatening to well up again, and spoke two simple words. The two words that broke my heart.
"He knows."
I lay awake in the small, dirty bed in my small, dirty hotel room all night that night, thinking about her, and what I said. I lay there chastising myself over walking out of the room, instead of seizing the moment.
Her face invaded my thoughts, my dreams (for the two seconds I did get to sleep) and all my waking hours. I got out of bed, frustrated, and sat down at my desk, trying to write the story my publisher needed. What my pen scripted, however, was not a story, but a song.
After my fit of inspiration had faded, I knew that I had to see her again. Going on the hope that she was still at the nightclub, I threw on some decent clothes and ran all the way there, hoping against hope.
I gave the fee to the bouncer and pushed my way through, looking for Jack Hartley. Thanking God that he recognized me, he sent me straight up to Sarah's room. I knocked, and was greeted by a harried "Who is it?"
Mustering my courage, and remembering what she had said to me, I called back, "A gorgeous writer who's come to serenade you."
The door opened, and I was once again lost in the beauty and depth of her eyes. She ushered me in, but there was a closure in her stance that hadn't been there earlier tonight. I closed the door behind me, and turned back to find her sitting on the couch, looking at me.
"Any particular reason you came back?" she asked me. "I already told you, I never listen to my heart, and much as it pained me, I didn't this time either."
"Maybe you don't, but you did say you are in love with my work, no matter how much I want that love to be me. So, please, just listen to this song I wrote. No prizes for guessing whom it's about." I finished my monologue, and took a deep breath before looking at her hopefully.
"I'm listening," she said, putting her chin in her hands and leaning forward. Just as I did the last time, I wished that my voice would not desert me before launching into the song that I had written just minutes earlier.
"Baby you're so beautiful
And when I'm near you I can't breathe
A girl like you gets who she wants
When she wants it
You're so out of my league
I show you no emotion
Don't let you see what your doin' to me
I imagine the two of us together
But I been livin' in reality
Fear of rejection, kept my love inside
But time is running out, so damn my foolish pride
I don't care if you think I'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
'Cos I've got no fear of losin' you
You can't lose what you never had
Now I'm gonna confess that I love you
I been keepin' it inside feelin' I could die
Now if you turn away then that's O.K
At least we'll have a moment before
You say good-bye
You can't lose what you never had
Rules are made for breakin'
Nothin' ventured nothin' gained
I'll be no worse off than I am right now
And I might never get the chance again
Fear of rejection, kept my love inside
Told my heart I didn't want you but I lied
I don't care if you think I'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
'Cos I've got no fear of losin' you
You can't lose what you never had
Now I'm gonna confess that I love you
I been keepin' it inside feelin' I could die
Now if you turn away then that's O.K
At least we'll have a moment before
You say good-bye
You can't lose what you never had
Here on the outside lookin' in
Don't wanna start dreamin' 'bout
What could have been
I need to hear you speak my name
Even if you shoot me down in flames
I don't care if you think I'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
'Cos I've got no fear of losin' you
You can't lose what you never had
Now I'm gonna confess that I love you
I been keepin' it inside feelin' I could die
Now if you turn away then that's O.K
At least we'll have a moment before
You say good-bye
You can't lose what you never had
You can't lose what you never had...."
I finished the song, and turned to walk out the room once more, and most likely out of her life. Or I would have if she hadn't stopped me by placing one hand on my shoulder, spinning me around, and giving me the most mind-blowing kiss I had ever had. It seemed to last forever, my world spinning, my heart doing back flips.
Finally, we pulled away. I looked at her in awe, in amazement, and perhaps, in confusion. She smiled, and took my hand, pulling me onto the bed. "I guess my heart needed to be dealt with," she said, before leaning in to kiss me again.
The next morning, we walked into rehearsals for the musical together. The guys cheered when they saw that I had coaxed the Queen of Hearts into performing with us. Sam and Augustus wasted no time in getting her up on the makeshift stage we had constructed.
She was given a script, and we proceeded with the rehearsal as usual, except that all my writing, every bit of heart and soul I put into making it real, was for her. We would exchange secret looks, although I don't believe the others noticed anything. I did, however, see Sam giving me a sideways look and a thumbs-up. I gave him a glance that could silence a rifle, and he wisely did no more.
We continued our secret affair. We would sit around my hotel room for hours on end, with her being my inspiration for writing. Of course, I would sometimes have to be, let us say, 'inspired' with a kiss.
I came to see her shows every night, cheering and clapping as any other man would, and then sneaking up to her dressing room for a private congratulations. No one knew about us, especially not Jack Hartley. Sarah was especially afraid of his finding out. One night, though, her show ended in tears.
Sarah was up on stage, kicking her legs high and enticing the men around her. Suddenly, she seemed to falter, and before I could do anything, she had collapsed. Jack Hartley picked her up and carried her to the back of the nightclub, while the other dancers did their best to make up for the Queen's absence.
Not being allowed to go to her, and not daring for fear of being caught, I could do nothing until I saw her the next day when she came to my hotel room. She looked pale, and withdrawn, and the helplessness in her eyes drew me to her side. I carried her to the bed, laid her down.
"What happened to you last night?" I asked her tenderly, afraid of what the answer would be but desperately needing to know.
"I don't know," she replied. "One minute I was up there on stage, dancing, going through the paces, and the next I woke up with all these faces around me and a wet cloth on my forehead. I must have fainted or something, from the heat." She fell back on the pillow, exhausted.
I stroked her cheek, loving her more with each minute. "Maybe you're getting sick of hiding this thing between us from everyone," I joked. "Maybe it's time to come clean to everyone."
The way she looked at me in the seconds before she realized I was kidding, the horror and disbelief on her face, I truly hope I never see an expression like that again, especially marring her features.
"Very funny, Harm," she told me, punching me lightly on the arm before closing her eyes. I got worried. This wasn't the energetic, lively person I fell in love with. She seemed...I don't know, empty, almost.
"Are you sure you're okay?" I asked her. "Maybe you should take a few days off work, you know, relax."
She sat up, kissed me on the cheek. 'So considerate. No, I'll be fine. I just need a good sleep, that's all." She stood up and walked to the door, kissing me passionately before exiting. "I'll see you later."
I sunk down into the one ratty couch the hotel provided wanting desperately to go after her, but knowing that I had to give her room. She was going to see her fiancé now, and I certainly couldn't follow her there.
We had tried to avert any sort of suspicion by never coming to rehearsals for 'Absolutely Fabulous' together, and I didn't visit the nightclub where she worked as often as I would have liked, though that may have been as due to my lack of funds as it was to our need for secrecy.
I put my feet up on the headboard of the bed, getting lost in my thoughts. I knew that I loved her, there was absolutely no question of that. And I had confidence in the fact that she loved me. It was just that, well, I was sick of all the hiding. I wanted to shout it on the rooftops, tell the world about the amazing woman I was in love with.
Days flew by. I spent most of them with Sarah and the guys, although she had to visit her fiancée every second night to keep up our charade.
I would never admit it to my angel, but I was insanely jealous of the man she was promised to. Somehow, the dumber part of me had sworn to her that I wouldn't get jealous should she choose visiting him over me. That was a promise I would never be able to keep.
One cold, rainy day, as I was working on the writing of our production, Sarah burst into my hotel room. Her cloak was covered by a fine moist of rain, her hair was wet, hanging in her face. Grabbing a towel, I jumped up and ran over to her.
She took off her coat and stood there, shivering, as I wrapped the towel and my arms around her. I dried her hair and hugged her close, trying to warm her up. It was only then that I noticed the tears running down her face, which I had mistaken for rain.
"What's wrong?" I asked, brushing her tears away with my thumb. I brushed the hair off her forehead, kissed her as the tears continued to fall. She hiccuped, stumbling over to the bed.
I followed her and sat down beside her as the sobs racked her body. I stroked her hair, rubbed her back, wanting her to tell me, but wondering if maybe, just maybe, it had something to do with me.
"Wanna tell me what happened to make you run in here like you did?" I asked softly, gently tipping her chin up, so that she was looking into my eyes.
She sniffed, wiping her tears away almost angrily. Then she sat up straight, her eyes seeming somehow dead and alive at the same time. She looked at me, the tears threatening to well up again, and spoke two simple words. The two words that broke my heart.
"He knows."