Author's Note: Hope you didn't fall asleep in the last chapter. Yeah, I know. Watching Nabiki work is tedious, but I can pretty much say that the things she did were necessary to the story's laughs. I have no idea how many chapters more this is going to take.

I know the Kenshin-gumi have been sort of pushed around by Nabiki, but it added to the comedy, ne? More action up next. Hope you like this one.

Standard disclaimers continue to apply. I haven't found my genie in a lamp yet. Kind of difficult looking through all this sand. So far, I've only found a discarded boot and some very offensive sand slush.

On with the story.

Chapter Five: Protecting Interests

Sano opened the woodshed door and discovered a very hostile atmosphere. First of all, there was Kuno, totally whacked out of the waking world, but it was obvious from the lumps on his head that it had nothing to do with beauty sleep.

Then there were Kenshin and Ryouga who sat on opposite corners, glaring at each other like a couple of bloodthirsty wolves in the shadows.

"Sleep well, ladies?" Sano asked them with a smirk.

Muttering to themselves, Kenshin and Ryouga headed for the door of the woodshed.

"I still maintain this is all your fault, Hibiki," Kenshin said, straightening his gi and hakama as he stepped out into the sunlit morning.

"Up yours, Himura!" Ryouga snapped.

"Good morning to the both of you," Sano said, a fishbone dangling from his mouth. "I trust your accommodations were satisfactory?"

"Can it, Sano," Ryouga said with a sigh.

"Can it what?" Sano asked with a puzzled frown.

Ryouga shook his head and walked ahead of them. "Never mind," he muttered. "I gotta go to the bathroom."

"Hey! Ranma said that if you had to go to the bathroom, you should inform him first so he can get you there," Sano called after him. "He said it's his turn to find you if you get lost and he isn't in the mood."

Kenshin snickered and Ryouga turned to give them an angry stare.

"Well, you can tell Saotome that he can P.M.S. some other time!" Ryouga shot back, whirling around to get back to his bathroom expedition. He henceforth turned in the wrong direction.

"What's a P.M.S.?" Sano asked Kenshin.

Kenshin shrugged and made a motion to head for the house.

Sano eyed Kenshin thoughtfully. Thinking about the bet he had made with Nabiki, it occurred to him that when money and friendship got together, he would stop at nothing to make things work his way.

"Hey, Kenshin," Sano said to him as they walked. "Before we get to Ukyo's breakfast, you and I, we gotta talk."

Kenshin gave him a suspicious look. "Sure, Sano. What about?"

"It's about you and Jou-chan," Sano replied calmly.

"What about me and Kaoru-dono?"

"Have you told her you love her?" Sano asked without batting an eyelash.

Kenshin almost choked in surprise. "Oro!" he sputtered, pulling the ex-gangster away from the shoji doors with a dread of being overheard. "I wouldn't dare do such a thing! My doing that would be enough to turn Kamiya Tetsuro in his grave! How can I dishonor his daughter by (ulp!) telling her I love her?"

Sano slapped Kenshin over the head. "Stupid," he hissed at his best friend.

"Hey!" Kenshin complained in bewilderment. It actually didn't hurt, but it was more of a gesture of disdain that felt more degrading than painful.

Sano continued. "First of all, the dead do not turn in their graves for anything…"

"Er, Sano I know that," Kenshin interjected, trying to figure out if Sano had gone completely bananas on him. "That was just an expres--"

"Silence!" Sano said, slamming his hand down on Kenshin's head yet again.

"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed, rubbing his crown. "I swear if you do that again, Sano…"

"Second of all, Ryouga out there, who happens to be a very presentable, likable and pushover-to- the-girls young guy, is also an idiotic moron after the same woman as you," Sano went on without heeding Kenshin's threat. "Who knows what his boyish charms can do to Jou-chan if he tells her he loves her."

Kenshin pursed his lips and decided that the conversation was over. "You think too little of Jo--er, Kaoru-dono. She isn't a gushing, teenage girl. She will not fall for that so-called idiotic moron."

"And you take way too many things for granted," Sano told him as the rurouni began to walk away. He reached out and dealt Kenshin a slap for the third time, this time at the back of the head.

Kenshin stumbled forward a few steps before whirling around to glare at Sano with clenched fists. "Oro! I ought to carve you with your old weapon!"

"Third of all," Sano calmly continued. "If you aren't worthy of Kaoru, then nobody is. You hearing me, Kenshin?"

Kenshin's irritated glare softened. The topic of worthiness always put him in a bitter-sweet mood. "Sanosuke, while this unworthy one agrees with you that Hibiki Ryouga is no good for my Kaoru-dono, I believe I am not worthy of her either."

Sano frowned. "Listen to yourself! You can't even lie to save your ass! Your Kaoru-dono? Talk about slip of the tongue…yours just fell flat on its face!"

Kenshin took a deep and relaxing breath. He hates it when Sano was right. It was a reminder that all is not right with the world. "I was thinking of taking Kaoru-dono sight-seeing today. It was suppose to be yesterday, but things got a little too exciting. She's actually been gone four years you know, and she wants to revisit Edo. She suggested inviting you and Yahiko to come with us."

Sano chuckled and clamped a hand of approval on Kenshin's shoulder. "Ooh! Sorry buddy, I can't go. Got things to do, places to be in. Maybe next time. Yahiko probably can't go with you either, so you'd better just skip the invitation with him. You understand, don't you, buddy?"

"Quite perfectly," Kenshin muttered, his heart going on overdrive at the mere thought that he and Kaoru would be alone together. Now he understood why Kaoru had mentioned Freeloader and Kid-samurai. It made things easier.

Well, time to grow up. He's been running away for more than ten years now, and frankly, it made him pretty sore that it took a Pig and a Rooster to make him realize that.

The fact of the matter was he never liked being defeated, by sword or otherwise. For goodness sake, the last time he had lost a few rounds he died (courtesy of Shishio), went blind (courtesy of Amakusa Shogo) and almost rotted in Rakuninmura (thanks to Enishi). In the immortal words of Segara Sanosuke, "You understand, don't you, buddy?"

It's settled. He will not lose this fight.

Right after Ranma's morning bout with Genma over the koi pond and just before breakfast was served, Nabiki cornered Ranma in the only place she knew he would be cornered: The bath.

It was simple, really. As long as Ranma wasn't a girl, he'd actually preserve his modesty. And since it was her, Furinkan's Ice-Queen that would be walking in on him, he'd be even more reluctant to flash "Little Ranma" (well, perhaps not so little, according to Akane) in case she had a camera handy.

So Nabiki slid the shoji doors open and stood stoically at the side of the furo while Ranma stared at her with Doe-Eyes-In-Head-Lights panic.

Three…two…one…

"Do you think I can have some privacy for one friggin' minute?!?!" Ranma yelled, sinking further into the water, peering at Nabiki with a glare.

"I have a proposition for you," Nabiki said without further ado.

"Oh fer cryin' out loud!" Ranma cried in annoyance. "I ain't cheating on Akane for anything! And I'm not exactly too keen on freezing my wiener doin' ya!"

"What?!" Nabiki exclaimed, turning red with anger. "Don't flatter yourself, you idiot! It's not that kind of proposition! I want you to do something for me, and if you do it right, I'll call off the charges for China on you and Akane."

This time, Ranma grinned, now bent on teasing. "Oh, I can do it right. Ask Akane, but I still ain't doin' you."

Nabiki gave him a grimace. "Look, I can ask somebody else to do this."

Contrary to popular belief, there are times when Ranma knew when to shut up. "I'm listening."

Nabiki nodded, growing calm. "Good. I know you know Ryouga's in love with Kaoru."

"Duh!" Ranma exclaimed.

Nabiki chuckled. "What you don't know is that Ryouga and Kenshin had faced off about it, turning it into some sort of battle."

Ranma raised an eyebrow. Faced off? He knew there was some tension, but an actual confrontation? This was interesting. "Like how, faced off?"

"Like this, face off." Nabiki played her recorder and watched Ranma's eyes widen in mild astonishment at the biting remarks and crass name-calling.

"Holy incompatibility, Batman," he said with a whistle.

"What I want you to do is get Ryouga to tell Kaoru he loves her before Kenshin does," she told him, flipping the player off. "Sano bet that Kenshin would do it first, and I want to get Meiji coins in my roster of assets."

Ranma laughed and laid back in the furo. "Oh man! You're asking me to do the impossible!"

"Saotome Ranma never loses, or is this a challenge you couldn't hack?" Nabiki asked slyly. Feeding Ranma's ego, or insulting it, was almost a sure-fire way to get him to do things. An application of both will tweak the stupid-knob in his head and can make him do wonders.

It worked like a charm. Ranma rose from the tub, droplets flying in all directions as he faced Nabiki with provoked resolve. "What?! Just watch me get the job done, Nabiki. I'll have Ryouga saying the words faster than I can do a Chestnut Fist!"

Nabiki gave him the once over, smirking. "Good god, Akane wasn't exaggerating after all."

Ranma flushed and dove back into the furo. "Er, whatever Nabiki. I accept the deal. Just go now, will you?"

Nabiki smiled and turned to leave. "I'm sure you'll think of something, Ranma."

"Hey Nabiki," Ranma called before she left.

"Yes?"

"Why aren't you doing this yourself?"

Nabiki snorted. "Are you kidding? As if Ryouga would trust me. Besides, it wouldn't do for me to interfere directly. If anyone figured that out, I'd have to forfeit the bet."

Ranma rolled his eyes around. "I should have known. Which means you'll probably look out for anyone trying to tilt the odds to their favor."

"Right. It puts a lot of stress on me," Nabiki replied. "Besides, I do sincerely believe that when Saotome Ranma puts his mind to it, he does get the job done."

Ranma grinned. "I always knew you were a smart woman, Nabs."

"The smartest," Nabiki corrected, walking out of the bath.

The only other person whom Nabiki could scam into a bet was Genma, not because he was a betting man like Sano, but because his honor left nothing to be desired. There was nothing she really needed from Genma, but extra cash, apart from the China trip and the job she did for Kaoru, was always welcome. Frugality (she preferred this term to "greed") after all, turned her into the woman she was.

Genma had a mean streak of doing things for the fun of it, and this would be no exception. Genma didn't want to bet on who would be the first to admit his love to Kaoru. Experience told him that could take ages. He did however, place a bet on who would get to kiss Kaoru first. Surmising that Kenshin was appallingly more polite than Ryouga, he actually bet on Ryouga. Never mind that he nose-bled. That would come after the kiss.

"Kiss means mouth to mouth, no tongue required," Genma said.

"If you say so, Genma," Nabiki said.

My, how funny these people think! Such reasoning! Well, too bad for them, Nabiki's at the helm.

Kenshin eyed Kaoru from the stove as she deftly chopped the turnip for their pickle stock.

Perfect timing. No one's around. Ukyo was out making full use of the dojo with Yahiko, Ranma was out searching for Ryouga, and Akane had gone with him. Sano was keeping Genma occupied and Kuno was still out cold. As for Mousse, well, nobody has seen him since yesterday after breakfast.

"Kaoru-dono," Kenshin began somewhat nervously.

She looked up and smiled. "Yes, Kenshin?"

That smile! Oh, why did she have to flash it at a time like this? He moved his mouth and nothing but a faint squeak came out. It was so much easier when he had said it spontaneously the other night.

"Eh?" Kaoru asked, puzzled.

Kenshin gave a cough before speaking. "P-Pardon me, something caught in my throat, it seems. What I was getting at was…um, we didn't get to tour Edo yesterday, like we planned, what with Happosai and all. I thought maybe we could do it today if you're still up to it, that is."

An adorable blush crept up her cheeks. "S-Sure Kenshin. Are Sano and Yahiko coming along?"

"No," He squeaked again. Damn! "Sano can't make it and Yahiko said he had something to do," he said in an even voice. Of course, he had to fumble. "But if you want them to come we could move it -- "

"No!" She hastily said.

"Oro…" Kenshin whispered, watching her pink turning to red.

"I mean," Kaoru began, turning her attention back to the turnips, pulverizing it to smaller bits. "It's alright if it's just the two of us. It's no problem. It's not like it's a date or anything, right?"

"That is correct," Kenshin agreed, turning around to face the pot of flavored water, stirring it like crazy as if the pickling depended on it.

A silence fell, both unaware of the stupid grins on each of their faces.

"There he is!" Akane said, pointing to a lost and disheveled boy with a yellow bandana on his head. People were avoiding him as evidenced by the circle constantly forming around him as he moved, probably because he was glowing a bit blue from some kind of depression.

Ranma held his wife tighter against him. "Hold on. We're going in."

Akane giggled as he jumped off one of the highest roofs and landed them safely on the ground. People weren't too keen about that either, gasping and staring at the inhuman method of entrance.

"Yo, pig-boy!" Ranma called, setting Akane down delicately.

Ryouga whirled around, frowned in seeing Ranma, but stopped walking upon realizing Akane was with him. "Saotome...if you call me pig-boy one more time…"

"Yeah, yeah, oinker," Ranma said, waving his hand in dismissal.

Ryouga growled. "Ranma…"

Akane slapped her husband's cheek affectionately. "Oh hush, Ranma. Ryouga, it's time to go back to the dojo. It's almost lunchtime and you haven't had any breakfast. Poor dear, you must be hungry."

"I'll be fine, Akane," Ryouga replied, calming down at Akane's gentle words.

Akane nodded. "Let's go, but do you think we can walk this time? I'd like to see the stuff they sell in this place."

"Aha," Ranma said, pinching Akane's chin. "No wonder my violent un-cute tomboy wanted to come with me."

Akane grinned. "Why else would I go with a idiot-pervert like you?"

Ryouga made a face as Akane skipped ahead of them a few paces. "Ugh! Sometimes, I wish you two would go back to insulting each other. I'd get less cavities that way."

"Aw, we only do that now for the kiss and make-up part," Ranma said, watching Akane fondly as she leaned over to check on a silk pattern.

Ryouga sighed, walking languorously after her. "Isn't it nice that love can do that? Turn the most unpleasant things into…sheer poetry?"

"Ugh!" Ranma said in turn. "Sometimes I wish you would go back to insulting me. At least I can keep up with that kind of drama."

Ryouga reddened and curled a fist. "Fine! Shees, I don't know why I open up to you at all!"

Ranma would have begun a series of taunting when he remembered his discussion with Nabiki that morning. "Chill. I'm sorry. You know me. I'm Mr. Foot-In-My-Mouth. Talk to me, Hibiki. I'm listening."

An appreciative look crossed Ryouga's face before he began to speak again. "In case you haven't figured it out, this is about Kaoru. I mean, you know I love her, right?"

"Right."

"And it's safe to say she likes me, right?"

"Right."

"But…it's like Akane all over again, Saotome," Ryouga said wearily. "All she sees in me is a friend. It helps that she knows about my Jusenkio curse and everything, but…I've been thinking, if I tell her how I feel, maybe I could get her to love me the way I want her to. Know what I mean?"

Ranma gave it some thought. For once, the Pig-boy made sense, and he had actually thought the thing through.

Ryouga's love for Akane was blind, assuming too much of Akane's feelings for him. It had been brought of too many things he had wanted to believe, thinking that it could turn dreams into reality. With Kaoru, it was different. At least, Ryouga knew that Kaoru only considered him as a friend, and he had taken the wiser path of endeavoring to turn that friendship into something more. It was logic that never occurred to the lost boy when Akane had been involved.

Kaoru's gentle hand had worked once more.

"You know what, Ryouga," Ranma said, grinning. "I'll help you. I'll help you admit your feelings to Kaoru, and in addition to that, I'll help you gain her affection."

Ryouga's eyes knotted in worry. "Er, no offense, Ranma, but you aren't exactly Dr. Love."

Ranma gave him an acid smile. "Hey, I got the girl, didn't I?"

Ryouga blinked then cleared his throat. "Point taken. What's your advice?"

"First thing's first," Ranma said. "The Date."

"D-Date?"

"Yep," Ranma replied. "Akane and I started to get along real well when I began asking her out. It should be easier for you since your brain to mouth coordination's slightly better than mine. Your clothes won't be much of a problem considering you bring everything in that back-pack of yours."

"Er…Ranma, you're forgetting one tiny detail. I don't have any money."

Ranma rolled his eyes around. "That's easy. Give Nabiki your supply of bandanas and have her sell it for a commission. I'm pretty sure she'll be willing to do it for you for a reasonable price."

"She would?"

"Sure. I'll talk to her later," Ranma said. He could certainly count on Nabiki to go all the way protecting her interest.

Ryouga raised a suspicious eyebrow. "Why are you so nice to me all of a sudden?"

Jeez! Why'd he have to ask that? Ranma wracked his brain for a reason. "Well, I sorta…feel that um, I should start making up for the suffering I've caused you." Boy, that was lame! I hope he buys it. Well, It's kinda true. I mostly might be doing it for Junsenkio, but I'm also doing this for the poor oinker who's down on his luck with love.

Ryouga bought it. He had placed such a high price on the "suffering" he believed Ranma had dealt him that it was a good enough reason for him to accept it as it was. "We have to act fast though. Kenshin…that assassin's in love with Kaoru too. I really didn't think so, at first, what with the way Kaoru talked about him treating her like a friend and all, but we had this discussion where…it became rather evident that he actually has feelings for her."

Ranma suddenly had a nagging feeling in his stomach. He had heard the "discussion" on tape, and it occurred to him that Ryouga just might end up as heartbroken as before. The terms with Nabiki were clear: Ryouga had to admit his feelings for Kaoru before Battousai did. There was nothing in it that said Kaoru had to return those feelings. Truth be told, that was a virtual impossibility.

Maybe he shouldn't go encouraging Ryouga. Maybe he and Akane should just pay Nabiki that horrible Twenty Thousand Yen and become her slave for the Ten Thousand Yen discount. The mere thought of owing Nabiki Twenty Thousand plus himself and Akane to boot made him shudder, but Ryouga's feelings…

SPLASH!

"Shit! Of all the -- !" Ranma-onna exclaimed, glaring at the old woman who had thrown a pail of water out in the street. She couldn't believe it! Everywhere she went there just had to be an old lady with a pail of water that had to be gotten rid off!

"Bwee!!!!"

Ranma grabbed the pig and clamped its mouth shut as he frantically gathered Ryouga's clothing.

She managed to bundle the clothes up on time, but Akane had heard.

"P-chan!" She cried in glee. "There you are!"

"I'll carry him, Akane-chan!" Ranma said with a pasted smile on her pretty face.

"Alright, Ranma, but where's Ryouga?" Akane asked, scratching her head.

Ranma pretended to look around. "Oh wow, you're right. He's gone again! Well, I've done my job looking for him. Maybe we should let Ukyo know he's lost. It's her turn to find him."

Akane sighed. "Honestly! I sure hope he finds that cure in China. I really feel sorry for the guy. What's that bundle you got there?"

P-chan shrieked again.

"Shut-up, baby," Ranma said to Ryouga, smiling at the pig through grit teeth. She turned to answer Akane. "It's just a parcel. Had it with me from the dojo. Didn't you notice it?"

"No. What's in…umm, maybe we should find a restaurant that can spare us some hot water, love," Akane whispered to Ranma, noticing several men whose eyes were already lingering over Ranma's busty female physique.

Ranma nodded.

She couldn't stand it anymore. She had to go to Jusenkio, and she couldn't stand to be Nabiki's porn either. Sorry Ryouga, but I have to do it. Ranma was inclined to take a Machiavellian approach to the situation, especially now that there was SOME GUY DROOLING OVER HER BOOBS!

"I'm off to the market," Kaoru announced to those in the yard, her arm looped around a basket while she held a pretty parasol and a shawl. Nabiki and Ukyo were seated on the grass, Yahiko between them. They were teasing him incessantly, both girls marveling at the fact that a boy so young could act so much like a half-grown-grown-up. Kaoru suspected that Yahiko was nevertheless enjoying the attention, Nabiki and Ukyo being really pretty and all. Genma and Sano were playing Go. Their previous matches had gone from one game, to two out of three, to four out of seven, and so on. They were still at it.

"You look awfully nice to be going to the market," Ukyo remarked innocently after tweaking Yahiko's ear.

Kaoru blushed but summoned all her skills of cool deflection. "Why, thank you Ucchan."

"Jou-chan dresses up like that all the time in the hopes of snagging a guy in the market who'll be willing to marry her," Sano contributed, knowing full well why Kaoru looked prettier than usual. He was going to do his part.

Yahiko practically suffocated trying to keep his laugh down, but it was better than having to deal with the little silver box that kept his voice and the totally embarrassing words it spoke. Death before dishonor.

Kenshin heard Sano and winced. Oro! Rooster-head, for your sake, don't help.

Kaoru grit her teeth. Out came the bokken. Down came the bokken.

Sano lay sprawled on the floor, absolutely gone of his wits.

"Let me accompany you, Kaoru-dono," Kenshin said, coming out of the kitchen to get to her.

They smiled at each other as he took her basket and made their way out of the gate.

Ukyo sighed. "I wish I had a man-servant as devoted as that one," she said to Nabiki and Yahiko wistfully.

Nabiki looked at her like she was stupid. "What the heck are you talking about? You have a man-servant as devoted as that one. And he looks like a girl too!"

Ukyo frowned. "Konatsu's different. He's…he's prettier than I am. And he's…a cross-dresser. A little too avant garde for my tastes. At least, Kenshin dresses like a guy, and he can still act macho and all that."

Yahiko remembered the arrival of the Nerima-gumi like it was yesterday. "Hey, I remember Konatsu. That was a guy? Wow."

Ukyo nodded and chuckled. "He's my fashion consultant, actually."

"That so? Was that long skirt and Chiongsam top ensemble his idea?" Nabiki asked.

"Yep."

"Very chic," Nabiki said in sincerity. "I ought to consult with the guy. So, you like the burly, macho type, do you?"

Ukyo rolled her eyes around. "Isn't it obvious? Ran-chan? Nobody could out-macho him."

Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "There is one guy kinda like him…"

Ukyo made a face. "Ugh! Puleez! Genma won't ever by my type, and if you even mention Sano, I'll kill you."

Nabiki sputtered in laughter. "I don't mean Genma or Sano, silly! I'm talking about Ryouga."

Yahiko snickered. Spending time with Tae and Tsubame had somewhat developed in him a taste for gossip. This was interesting.

Ukyo turned red but kept her bearings. "Ryouga-kun? Nabiki honey, he's way too sweet to be considered anything like Ran-chan, Genma or Sano."

"So you like him?" Yahiko asked.

Ukyo smiled at Yahiko and pinched his cheek. "Since when did things like that interest you, hmm Yahiko-kun?"

Yahiko pulled away and rubbed his face grudgingly. "Hey! No changing of subject."

Nabiki cocked an amused smile. "Kid's got a talent to spot these things. He's right, don't change the subject. You like him?"

Ukyo thought about it. "Well, he is cute. Not like Ran-chan who's an absolute babe, but he's good looking. And those fangs are just…"

"Sexy?" Nabiki suggested with a raised eyebrow.

Ukyo had to nod in agreement. "European vampire sexy. Like you just want to tell him: Bite me!"

Yahiko made a face while Nabiki laughed.

"You know what, Ukyo," Nabiki began in a light tone. "You never told me how Kaoru convinced you to let go of your engagement to Ranma."

Ukyo smiled at her mysteriously and shifted to a more comfortable position on the grass. "I'm not like the other fiancées, honey. Though I must admit I got crazy during that first wedding ceremony, I can acknowledge my mistakes. And that was a whopping mistake on my part. I'm not demented like Kodachi, or law-looney like Shampoo. Kaoru and I…she's a good friend. We talked about a lot of things. She told me that sometimes, when you love a person too much, you just have to let go."

Nabiki couldn't put it together in her head. "What did Kaoru tell you?"

Ukyo chuckled. "That's not for me to reveal. She said some pretty personal stuff. Ask her. It may change you, too."

Nabiki's lips curled into a grimace of distaste. "I'd rather not risk it."

Kenshin opened one eye to peek at Kaoru's praying form. His hand was in front of him, palm up as if to split the two halves of his face, just like Kaoru, and he was suppose to be praying, just like Kaoru, but for the life of him, he couldn't keep his eyes closed, just like Kaoru.

The shrine was filled with devoted Shintoists, and the busy hum did little to keep his concentration. Kaoru, however, has been standing still for the past ten minutes.

He certainly had the patience to wait for her to finish. It was not in his nature to whine, but he really wasn't much of the praying type, neither is he much of the meditative type. Ponderous, yes, meditative, well…Shinomori Aoshi will attest to just how useless that attempt was.

The only enlightenment Kenshin achieved in his meditation session with Aoshi was that the lotus position could create one hell of a leg cramp.

Staring at Kaoru, he found himself entranced by the serenity she exuded. So calm and at peace with herself. Her chi was as pure as ever, radiating with a brilliant white light. He stayed that way for quite some time with his head turned to the side, hand upright in prayer.

A few minutes later, Kaoru stirred, a sigh escaping her lips while her eyes opened slowly.

Kenshin blinked himself out of his daze and hastily turned his head forward, squeezing his eyes shut. When Kaoru did not call his name, he decided to see what was keeping her. He was astonished to find her watching him with a pleasant smile.

"Are you done, Kenshin?" She asked cheerfully.

He realized she had been waiting for him, and he could only pretend he had taken some sort of spiritual quest. "I am, Kaoru-dono. God has smiled upon me."

Her smile brightened even more. "Good. It's almost lunch and I'd like to go to the Akabeko. I miss Tae-chan and Tsubame-chan, though I can't really go off and tell them about what happened to me. It would take too long and they would never believe me."

Kenshin nodded and picked up the basket he had been lugging around for her. It had been a prop, so that they could get out of the Kamiya dojo without anyone nosing in on their business. "They are always glad to see you, Kaoru-dono. Besides, you have good credit with them, I'm sure."

Kaoru laughed and pulled him by the arm. "Come on, silly. We have to hurry. I want to beat the lunch crowd."

"Of course, Kaoru-dono." He watched her animated face intently and realized that he had prayed and that God had smiled upon him. Perhaps people worshipped in their own personal shrines, and at that moment, he knew just where his personal shrine was.

"Quit squirming, Ranma," Akane told her husband in a patient tone.

"I can't help it," Ranma said, dealing another one of her droolers a murderous stare. "I ought to beat those guys who are gawking at us. It ain't so bad if they're just looking at me, but they're looking at you too!"

Akane sighed. Sometimes her husband could be so damn unreasonable when it comes to his possessiveness. "We're almost at the dojo, Ranma. We'll have you changed back in no time."

Ranma adjusted P-chan in the crook of her arm and ignored the squeal of complaint.

They continued to walk and Ranma decided to occupy herself wrestling with her conscience. All she could think about was Ryouga, and his sorry love life. If you can call it a life.

"Hey look, Ranma," Akane said, nudging Ranma's arm. "It's Kaoru and Kenshin."

Ranma looked and P-chan bweed loudly. She could see Kenshin carrying a basket while Kaoru pulled at his arm. They were going inside a restaurant that said "Akabeko" up front.

Uh oh. Ranma thought. Lunch out? Are they on a date?

Akane motioned for them to follow. "Come on. Let's say hi, and since you're in such a hurry to change back, maybe we can request the restaurant to provide us with some hot water."

Holy crap. Not good. This is going to be freakin' bloody if I don't hold on to this little critter! Ranma thought with dread. Ryouga was already wriggling violently to be let go. "Hold…still! Damn porker!"

Akane led them into the restaurant and they found Kaoru and Kenshin talking to a waitress.

Ranma was concentrating too hard on holding P-chan to focus on the real situation.

"Hey Kaoru-chan! Kenshin-san!" Akane cried, approaching them.

"Akane-chan!" Kaoru exclaimed in surprise. "R-Ranko!"

Kenshin raised an eyebrow at the new name but recovered swiftly enough to notice the little black pig in the crook of Ranma's arm. "It is P-chan," he muttered in disgust.

Ranma grunted against the fuss Ryouga was creating. "Great! Now that we all know each other, do you think we can get that hot water?" she asked with a hint of sarcasm.

Kaoru and Kenshin looked at each other, almost in apology and nodded.

"Akane, Ranko, this is Tae-chan," Kaoru said, introducing the waitress they were talking to. "She owns this restaurant. Her cooking rivals Ucchan's and the Nekohaten."

Akane grinned. "That so? You must be very good, Tae-san! Ucchan's and the Nekohaten are famous where we come from. And I do admire good cooks. I can only manage curry."

Ranma smirked. Sez who? Perhaps her thoughts were written on her forehead as plain as kanji, because Akane gave her a deadly stare. "Right," was the only safe reply.

"Are you joining us for lunch, Akane-dono?" Kenshin asked them cheerfully.

"Oh, no," Akane replied. "We're heading back to the Kamiya dojo. We just stopped to say hi and, er…get some hot water if Tae-san can spare some."

Tae smiled at them. "Of course we can spare some hot water! I'll bring you some in a minute. You're staying at the Kamiya dojo, you say?"

"Yes ma'am!" Akane and Ranma replied in unison.

"Well," Tae began pleasantly. "Any friend of Kaoru-chan is a friend of mine. Why don't you sit with Kaoru-chan and Himura-san while I get you that hot water, alright?"

"Thank you!" Ranma exclaimed.

They all took their seats in a relatively private corner of the restaurant.

"You better hold on to P-chan, Ranma-dono," Kenshin warned her with a rurouni smile. "Tae-san makes excellent pork-dishes, if you know what I mean."

P-chan squealed, jumping to make for Kenshin's face. Ranma caught him in mid-air just in time.

"He's a bit feisty today, isn't he?" Kenshin remarked.

This made P-chan fiercer than ever.

Ranma smothered P-chan in a bear hug, forcing a grin on her face. Hmph! Kenshin's as bad as I was…er, am when it comes to taunting the oinker. In fact, I think he's much worse with that innocent smile on his face.

Kaoru gave Kenshin an odd look, almost like disapproval, but hampered by perplexity.

"Oh P-chan, settle down," Akane crooned, reaching for the pig.

"It's alright, Akane-chan," Ranma said. "I'll hold him." Friend or not, he ain't going to get his mitts on my wife! "You like being held like this, don't you P-chan?" She said in a baby-talk kind of fashion.

P-chan squealed and dug his hooves into Ranma's arm painfully.

All systems indicate he doesn't, but what the hell do I care?

"Do you want me to hold him, Ranko-dono?" Kenshin asked, a predatory grin on his face.

P-chan went absolutely berserk.

Akane giggled. "I guess not. P-chan's very picky. You hold him, Kaoru-chan. He usually likes it when you do."

P-chan calmed down and gave a little piggy smile. Kenshin glared at the pig, amber speckling his amethysts for a second.

Kaoru pursed her lips and held her arms out for Ranma to give her the pig.

"Kaoru-dono, you do not want to soil your kimono," Kenshin said in a controlled voice.

"Give him here, Ranma," Kaoru said in a crisp tone. "I think he's perfectly clean."

Ranma looked at Kenshin who was giving her a warning stare. Ho boy…why is my life all about being caught in the crossfire? Why? Why? Well, she could stand up to Kaoru, right? "I won't…"

"What?" Kaoru snapped, the bokken beginning to materialize in her hand.

Or not. Apply the Saotome Anything Goes School of Martial Arts Secret Technique: Run now, fight another day. Surely Battousai would understand. "Here ya go."

P-chan was transplanted to Kaoru's lap, where he snuggled contentedly.

Kenshin turned red and gave Kaoru a meaningful stare. "P-chan will be more comfortable with me, I think," he said through grit teeth.

Kaoru turned up her nose, now realizing that Kenshin was acting just like Ranma, in everything, and she would not have any friend of hers, pig-cursed or not, so degraded. She was not going to cradle P-chan against her breasts like Akane did out of ignorance, so she saw no problem to it, and if Ryouga did anything improper, she could certainly defend herself. "No. P-chan is fine right here. Like children, the both of you."

Great. I'm thirty years old and I still get called a kid. Kenshin thought sourly.

Ranma pouted. Who's she callin' a kid? She henceforth stuck out her tongue.

Kaoru raised her palms up. "I rest my case."

"You tell them, sister," Akane said, grinning.

Tae finally arrived with the water and Ranma took it readily, bowing her thanks before Tae returned to attending to her other customers.

"Why don't I show you to the back, Ranma," Kaoru said, standing up with P-chan in her arms.

Akane and Kenshin were left for the moment.

Akane gave Kenshin a bright smile and spoke. "You must be touring Kaoru-chan around."

Kenshin blushed but nodded in response. "Y-Yes. A thousand apologies for not inviting you, Akane-dono."

Akane chuckled. "It's alright. I, of all people, understand how difficult it is to find time alone with the person you want to be with."

Kenshin's eyes widened in shock. "Akane-dono, it -- it isn't a date, if I may be candid..."

She gave a smirk. "I didn't say anything about a date. It's not a date, you say? Well, could have fooled me."

Kenshin turned even redder, twiddling his fingers together. Calm down rurouni. It's not so bad to be caught red-handed. Beside, it's just a date, if you can call it that.

Moron! Of course it's a date! Sano's right. You couldn't lie to save your ass!

Shut-up, Battousai! You're SO not helping.

Chicken…just like that time you left for Kyoto, and that play after Kyoto…cluck, cluck, cluck!

Kenshin smiled through grit teeth.

Akane stared at him, somewhat confused at the play of emotions on his face. It didn't take long for her to ponder though, because Ranma-kun came sauntering in with Kaoru, Ryouga right behind them.

"Ryouga-kun! Where did you run off to this time?" Akane asked.

Ryouga scratched the back of his head and pasted a smile on his face. "Oh, you know…if I knew I wouldn't get lost all the time."

Akane frowned thoughtfully. "True…where's P-chan?"

"He ran off," Ranma replied. "He took one look at some marinade and high-tailed out of here."

Kaoru giggled and Ryouga practically had steam coming out of his ears from suppressed rage.

"Orange peel goes best with any pork marinade," Kenshin quipped, as if the thought just popped into his head.

Ryouga glared at him while Kaoru gave Kenshin a warning look.

"Well, we must be going," Akane said, rising to her feet. "Ukyo will go ballistic if we don't show up for her Okonomiyaki."

"Oh, I don't know," Ryouga said casually. "I thought maybe this place --"

Akane promptly kicked his shin with the brute strength Ranma always chided her for, beneath the table and Ryouga, Mr. Semi-macho-pick-up-a-tree-by-its-roots-man, bit a finger to keep from crying out in pain, managing to disappear behind the low table.

"Oro?"

"Ryouga-kun?" Kaoru asked uncertainly, peeking at him.

Ryouga reappeared, standing with total poise. "I'm okay. Just picked something off the floor. No big deal." Shees! What does a person have to do to break a date around here?

"Walk away." Ranma hissed in his ear. "Just turn around and walk away. Don't look back."

Kenshin seemed to have the same thoughts, but probably not as calming, nor as harmless, because at that very moment, he actually had his hand to the hilt of his sword.

Ryouga assessed the situation. I'm not afraid of Battousai.

Akane raised an eyebrow towards him and swung her mallet over her shoulder.

On the other hand…Mr. Mallet, now there's something to think about. "Home made Okonimiyaki sounds pretty good. Although the guys would appreciate some take--"

Akane grabbed him by his collar and pulled him and her husband towards the door. "We'll see you later, Kaoru-chan, Kenshin-san! Bye!"

"Bye…" Kaoru said, her voice withering at the quick exit. "What was that all about?"

"Probably nothing, Kaoru-dono," Kenshin said pleasantly. "I feel like a having pork-dumpling right now, don't you?"

Megumi arrived at the Kamiya dojo shortly after lunch. She thought it best to confront her Rooster-headed quasi-boyfriend at this time because he had just eaten, and it is a medical fact that people who have just eaten tended to be lethargic and more addle-brained than usual.

Good grief! If his cerebral cortex addles any more it might completely atrophy and die.

Trust a doctor to use "cerebral cortex" and "atrophy" in one sentence.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Megumi!" Nabiki cried, seeing the good doctor entering the gate.

Megumi smiled and waved to everyone who was lounging on the porch. "Hello. Has everyone eaten a proper lunch?"

It was just like her to ask that.

"Definitely!" Ukyo said with a self-appreciative grin, giving a half-asleep Ranma a sidelong glance.

"Good. Is Sano here?" Megumi asked with an acid smile on her face.

Yahiko pointed to a tree where Sano had taken to digest his hefty Okonomiyaki lunch under the shade.

Akane yawned. "By the way…has anyone seen Ryouga?"

Ukyo, whose turn it was to find him, groaned. "I'm too lazy to go looking for the idiot. Maybe later."

"Yo, doc. How's Happosai?" Ranma asked.

"He's still out cold," Megumi replied. "Didn't know you cared, Ran-san."

Ranma scoffed and Genma-panda held a sign up that said "Ha!"

"I'll give you an update on his condition as soon as there's an improvement," Megumi told them.

"The only improvement I'll hope for is that he stays unconscious," Ranma remarked. "Damn! That Amekakeru Ryuu No Hirameki's good stuff. Like Chestnut Fist with a sword, I tell you."

Akane rolled her eyes around. It's just like Ranma to turn a fighting-technique discussion back to himself.

Megumi grimaced. The subject of fighting skills didn't particularly interest her. God knows she's had enough of Sano ringing her ears about how spectacular his Futae No Kiwami is. Which reminds me…"Excuse me everyone, but I have to talk to Sano about something. Just keep out of the sun and no strenuous activities until an hour after every meal."

Everyone chuckled.

"Yes ma'am," Nabiki quipped.

Megumi approached Sano with deadly resolve. Before she called his attention, she pasted the most charming smile on her face, placing a delicate hand on her purse for her little cassette player.

"Hello Sano," she said in an eerie tone, sitting beside him.

"Hey Fox-lady," Sano returned, not moving from his comfortable position. The patented fishbone bobbed in his mouth as he spoke. "What're you doing here? Did you miss me?" he asked with a smirk.

He did not see the evil glint in her eyes as she replied. "Yes Sano. I missed you so much. Not seeing you in the clinic and all. I've considered hiring a bunch of thugs to beat you up just so I can have you in my clinic where I can examine you and your wonderful body."

Sano stiffened and looked at Megumi in shock. "Right," he said. Was she kidding or something?

Megumi tingled inside at having complete control over the situation. "My days without you are just empty, nothingness. Why have you kept away from the clinic?"

Sano was blinking like clockwork. What the hell…

"Is it Nabiki?" Megumi asked, doing a splendid job at looking heartbroken. "Is it because her breasts are better than mine?" She henceforth grabbed her own breasts for emphasis.

Sano stared at her. Drool…"Er…Course not, Megumi! I think your…um…bosom is nice enough."

Megumi began to shed tears. "Then all you want from me is my body! My soft skin! My gentle curves!"

"No!" Sano exclaimed hastily, praying to the powers that be against a nosebleed. "It ain't your body!"

"What's wrong with my body?" Megumi demanded.

"Nothing! Nothing's wrong with your body!" Sano said in a panic. "It's perfect! But it's not just your body I'm after!"

"My money, then!" She cried, feigning hurt to perfection. "A budding doctor like me has a promising career! Gambler like you always needs money!"

Sano was sweating profusely now, perplexed by Megumi's outbursts but finding enough purchase to get her to stop crying. "I don't care about your freakin' money! Dammit Megumi! What the hell's the matter with you? You know I care about you a lot! I'd do anything for you!"

"Really Sano? Honest?" Megumi asked, clasping her hands to her chest, the cassette player unnoticeably between her palms.

"Honest!" Sano declared.

Megumi batted her eyelashes, smiling prettily. "Oh Sano, kiss me…Do you want to kiss me?"

Yatta! Sano thought. I can't believe it! Fox-lady confessed her feelings to me! Yahoo! I'm the luckiest guy in the face of the planet! She's finally mine! "Absolutely…"

He leaned over to kiss her, closing his eyes as he did so, and just when he thought he was going to feel the softness of her lips, he instead got the not-so-soft fury of her palm…and her foot…and her foot again…

SLAP! KICK! KICK! And another kick for good measure.

"Ouch!!" Sano yelled, spitting out the blades of grass that had lodged into his mouth.

"In your dreams, Rooster head!" Megumi hissed, pressing her finger to the play button.

There, in all her infuriated glory, Sano heard words he had thought he'd never say out loud. His own voice, which might as well have spelled out his doom, sealed his fate.

"I…I never said that!" Sano denied, knowing deep down inside him that he somehow did say the words. Hell, he'd definitely thought them a countless number of times. And the thing about Jou-chan…that topped the cream! He had thought he had buried it in the deepest recesses of his mind! To be sure, he had absolutely no feelings of desire for Kaoru anymore, but for anyone to know he had them once…Kenshin would never let him near Jou-chan again!

Then of course, there was Megumi, whom right now resembled a very angry dragon. Fox-lady…come back! He had blown it with her, big time!

"You're so down there on my suitor list!" Megumi told him, pointing to her foot.

"M-Megumi…babe!"

"Oh don't you babe me, you good-for-nothing man of sin!" Megumi said to him angrily, her face growing red every minute. "Sizzler? I wouldn't say no to you? How dare you think me so easy! Well, let me tell you, buster. Whatever headway you've made with me, you're going to have to start from scratch, you hear me Segara?"

Sano almost cowered in fear. "Y-You're kidding, right?"

Megumi turned even redder, her fists clenching.

Not the right thing to say. Thought Sano. Grovel. Beg. That's the ticket. Damn! This has got to be Nabiki's doing! "You can't imagine how sorry I am, Megumi-sama! I shouldn't have said those things! I must have been drunk, or something! I had to be!"

"All the more reason I should deck you," Megumi said bitingly. "You better start shaping up, Segara, and as of this moment, the only thing you're going to be allowed to kiss is this!" She said, turning around and pointing to her butt. She then stomped away furiously.

"M-Megumi!" Sano cried, scrambling to his feet. Just then, a panda fell right on top of him from the top of the tree, pinning him to the ground. "Shit! Get offa me!"

"Growf!"

"Nihao all! Shampoo have bad news! Come tell you something Great-grandmother found out!" Came Shampoo's sunny greeting from somewhere above.

Sano was so bent on getting Genma off him that he lifted the panda by its fur and flung it away without a thought.

There was a crash, several exclamations of a dark foreboding, then silence. Even Megumi stopped to stare in shock.

Count on Sano to ruin my dramatic exit, was her first thought. My, somebody's injured, was her next.

Genma came away from the wall he had been pasted on, falling to the porch floor with a thump. Right there, where he was previously attached, was Shampoo, panda fur all over her back. She fell on top of Genma with a groan.

"Not good, Sanosuke," Ranma said.

"Oh no!" Sano said with a groan. "I hurt a chick!"

"Believe me, the worse is yet to come," Akane said.

Shampoo stirred groggily, sitting up and shaking her head of its dizziness. "Shampoo down…Sanosuke…" she moaned. Her pain slowly transformed into a smile and she looked up, staring straight at the ex-gang member. "Airen!!!" She shrieked, bounding off Genma and flinging herself at Sano's shocked form.

"What?" Sano yelled, trying to wriggle away. "What the hell are you talking about? It was an accident! I didn't beat you in no fight!"

"Amazon law says you did," Ukyo said in a matter of fact tone.

"Ooh! Shampoo like new husband!" Shampoo gushed, pressing herself against him. "Big and strong! Almost like Ranma, but taller, ne?"

Megumi glared at the picture, which was quickly turning into a haze of red. "Right! He's so big and strong! You're so made for each other!" She huffed, turning to leave.

"Megumi, wait!" Sano cried.

Shampoo stiffened. "Doctor-woman after you?"

Ranma signaled frantically for Sano to say no.

Sano didn't need to be prompted. Just the thought that Megumi would hear him if he said yes sent chills down his spine. "No! Of course not! I'm the one --"

"Who's a total idiot for not having fought you sooner!" Akane supplemented for Sano before he said anything that would contribute to the good doctor's demise.

Sano frowned. "That's not --"

"Even the half of it!" Yahiko put in, knowing the whole story of Ranma, Shampoo and Akane through Ukyo. "He should have fought you the moment he laid eyes on you."

"Why the hell are you putting words in my mouth!" Sano demanded.

"Oh, airen! We get married soon, yes? Shampoo make happy!" She squealed, rubbing her cheek against his chest.

Sano could feel his hair standing stiffer than usual. Married? Soon? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Did you hear that?" Kaoru asked Kenshin while they leaned over the railing of the bridge, watching the water run calmly past.

Kenshin was enjoying himself too much staring at Kaoru's face to give an intelligent reply. "Hear what?"

Kaoru strained her ears to see if she could hear it again. "Like someone screaming." She could have sworn there were still traces of the echo in the air.

"This unworthy one heard no one screaming," Kenshin replied, leaning his cheek on his palm and smiling like an idiot as he watched her troubled expression with amusement.

"I guess I'm just hearing things," Kaoru conceded with restrained conviction, her eyebrows furrowing a bit.

She's so cute when she's worried over nothing, Kenshin thought, sighing quietly to himself.

Kaoru suddenly stiffened, straightening up to look around her. "There it goes again! It's somebody screaming! I just know it!"

Kenshin listened, and heard. It was somebody screaming, but…Odd. Sounds like it's getting closer.

Kaoru's eyes widened, seeing something coming their way from the distance. "Oh my…" she whispered, feeling particularly Kasumi-like at that moment. Confusion tended to do that.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

There was a splash, water everywhere, and a woman sputtering out of the river.

"Ranma!" Kaoru cried as the human canon ball came sloshing out of the water, wobbling from the fall.

"Oro! How did you…?"

Ranma-chan coughed a few times before climbing up to the bridge. "Akane…mallet…foot in my mouth…"

Kaoru helped her find purchase and let the poor woman gather herself before asking questions. "Are you going to be okay, Ranma?"

"Feh! Of course! It's not like it's never happened before, right?" Ranma said sourly, squeezing some water from her pigtail.

Kenshin scratched his head in wonder. "This…always happens, you say?"

"Always," Kaoru replied, gingerly checking Ranma for anything that might need medical attention. "Mr. Foot-In-His-Mouth here knows just what to say to get his wife angry at him."

Ranma pouted and slowly got to her feet. "Well, that un-cute violent tomboy should have a little more patience with me. She knows I never mean to say stuff like that."

Kenshin blinked. "Oro…uncute violent…"

"What happened this time?" Kaoru asked, giving Ranma her shawl.

Ranma began to laugh, draping the shawl over her shoulders. "Oh you're never going to believe this! Sano just booked first class tickets to Joketsuzoku…"

Author's Note: I personally do not think Megumi was OOC here. She is absolutely capable of doing such a thing. Furthermore, I'd like to say that you guys should have seen that Sano-Shampoo accidental pair-up coming. It's just so irresistibly funny! Don't any of you worry, I'll fix everything in the end. There are going to be four more chapters. This includes the epilogue so do not fear.

Next up: Dating Accdg. To Sano and Ranma: Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.