Author's Note: This is almost done. I'm feeling kinda depressed. I just ended my other story and I'm getting withdrawal symptoms already. Anyway, this is the second to the last chapter and I'm already in a panic as to what kind of fic I should do next. Any suggestions?
Well, here goes. There are a few revelations here, just to spice things up a bit more. Again, thanks for the reviews. The response has overwhelmed me, truly. Doumo arigato de gozaimasu!
Standard disclaimers apply. The genie has eluded me.
Without further ado…on with the story.
Chapter Eight: Happosai Awakens (And We All Know How Horrible That Could Be)
Kenshin, elbow deep in soapsuds, had a stupid smile on his face that radiated from him like a cloak of light. He remembered the events of the previous night for the thousandth time, and it still gave him a warm and fuzzy feeling.
Openly loving and receiving love from Kaoru was everything he had dreamed it to be. Kissing, holding her hand, whispered sweet nothings, and her sexy little teases…Oro! I'm going to have to marry her soon or I'll go completely nuts!
There was a splash, and then angry shouts from a woman who had just risen from the koi pond.
"Ha! I win this one, son!" Genma declared with a laugh.
"Shut up, pop!" Ranma cried.
Another splash sounded and then the inevitable "Growf!" followed.
Kenshin chuckled. It was hard to believe that everything else around them hadn't changed. He was short of expecting a marching band to come bounding through the gate celebrating that the Idiot-Rurouni had finally said the magic words. Of course, he morbidly expected Kamiya Tetsuro at the front of the parade, admonishing him for having the nerve to philander his daughter, but Kenshin hoped the gods weren't that against him.
He glanced up to see Ryouga and Ukyo arguing about the best way to throw ammunition. Ukyo was demonstrating her technique with mini-spatulas and Ryouga was brandishing a dozen or so of his yellow bandanas.
All's well that ends well. Kenshin decided that he would have to talk to Ryouga one of these days without them calling each other names. He was still a little sore about Ryouga trying to get Kaoru, but his feelings of hostility have most certainly lessened. Whatever he felt now was residual. After all, Ryouga had still been the pig who might have been in Kaoru's room once upon a time.
"Ouch! What's your problem?" Ryouga complained as Ukyo hit him over the head.
"Ryou-honey, you could be such a moron sometimes!" She hissed, stalking away.
Ryouga followed her, apparently trying to appease her anger.
Kenshin chuckled. He wondered inwardly whether Ukyo was in the habit of calling someone "honey" even when she was angry.
Nabiki was, as usual, teasing Yahiko who was grudgingly cleaning the porch.
"Stop doing that!" Yahiko yelled.
"Awww…is my baby angry? Come over here and let Big Sis Nabiki give you a hug!"
"Aaaargh!"
Kenshin stifled a laugh. He never thought Nabiki could enjoy such inexpensive pursuits like teasing a little boy. She was human after all. Kenshin figured it was the less than mercenary air of the Meiji. He wondered what Nabiki could do to someone like Saitoh or Aoshi. Probably out-freeze them.
He was playing the scene of their meeting in his head when he felt the presence that had given him so much joy these past two years.
He turned from his laundry and saw Kaoru emerge with Akane from the kitchen. His bliss was momentarily interrupted at the thought that the two had actually cooked something. He never thought Kaoru's cooking was that bad, but if she had joined forces with Akane, who was even worse at it than her, things could get ugly.
Kenshin could still remember the toxic glob of something Akane had made for them that morning. The Nerima-gumi, except for Ranma, ran for their lives. Ranma sat it out by sheer force of courage, lest his wife mallet him to the next town and deny him bedroom rights for the next few days. The ones who stayed, and survived, were still washing the taste out of their mouths. Nabiki said something about selling "T-shirts" (whatever they were) that said, "I Survived Akane's Breakfast".
Kaoru held a kettle of hot water in her hand while Akane held a covered plate.
"Ranma! Genma! Front and center!" Kaoru ordered them.
Ranma eyed Kaoru warily but complied. "What have you two violent un-cute tomboys been up to?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.
Oro! Is he hoping to get killed? Thought Kenshin in amazement.
Akane turned red, just beginning to boil over with indignation.
Kaoru was not so slow. Her lip twitched and her eyes flashed. She flung the kettle towards Ranma with such speed and agility that the projectile caught Ranma-chan squarely in the face, turning her back into a guy but knocking him into a stupor.
Ranma wavered and fell over on the grass, dazed.
"Jerk!" Kaoru huffed.
Akane peered at her husband gingerly, an evil smile on her face. "Ranma, my love. Have some cookies." She proceeded to stuff Ranma's mouth with perhaps the vilest concoctions known to man.
Ranma then woke up, gagged and made a mad dash to find a place where he could get rid of the cookies without Akane seeing him. Malevolently, Akane followed to make sure he swallowed his poison.
"Oro!"
"Served him right," Kaoru muttered, heading towards Kenshin.
Genma promptly held up a sign. "Hey! What about me?"
Kaoru put her hands to her waist and began to scold him. "Serves you right for raising such a prick, Genma. Run along now. Shoo!" She said, flicking her fingers away.
Genma held up a sign that said some pretty profane things, but he lumbered off, resolving to get some shuteye in another tree.
Kenshin smiled at Kaoru's approaching form.
"Mou! Isn't Ranma terrible?" Kaoru told him with a grin, sitting herself down on the grass beside him.
"The worse, love," he replied, humoring her.
Kaoru gave him a pout and tugged at his hair affectionately, lacing her fingers through the ends of his red locks. "You're teasing again, Kenshin."
"Of course, Kaoru-dono."
"Kenshin!"
He gave a chuckle and dabbed her nose with a small cluster of soap bubbles. "Maa…maa…I'm just kidding. You're just so cute when you pout."
She crossed her eyes to observe the suds on her nose and giggled, wiping it off with her sleeve. "Well, it's better than being called a violent un-cute tomboy."
"I would never call you un-cute, Kaoru-dearest," he said with a rurouni smile.
"Hey!" She cried in protest.
Kenshin laughed and stole a kiss from her lips. This appeased her in great degrees and she grinned. She leaned her chin on his shoulder and whispering something in his ear that caused him to kiss her again, dissolving her in a wave of giggles.
"Do you mind!" Yahiko cried from the porch, seriously annoyed. "You're both grossing me out!"
"Oro!"
"Manners, Yahiko-chan," Nabiki warned.
Yahiko turned red in the face. "Well then: You're both grossing me out, de gozaimasu!"
Nabiki laughed and pinched his cheek fondly. "That's better!"
Kaoru and Kenshin laughed in amusement.
A crash from the gate destroyed their reverie, sending all of them sputtering from the collecting cloud of dust that followed. The distinct ring of a bicycle bell confirmed what had descended upon the sanctity of Kaoru's dojo.
Kaoru groaned, hands to her head in despair. "Oh Shampoo!"
"Nihao, Ancient One!" Chimed the amazon in an all-white pajama-like ensemble, which looked strangely familiar. The basket attached to her bicycle had a stack of Chinese-style doggie bags, along with Cologne and her so-called pogo stick.
"Oro! Doesn't she ever use doors?" Kenshin asked, a bit miffed that his immaculately washed clothes have been defiled by dust particles.
"My apologies, Ancient Ones," Cologne said calmly, bouncing to the grass before them. "Great-Grand daughter and I are in a bit of a hurry. We have deliveries to make, you see."
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "You've actually set up shop?"
Cologne frowned at her. "Do you think we've been living in a cave and eating off nature these past few days? We have daily hotel bills to pay, you know."
"Actually…" Nabiki began.
"Stop talk Extortionist-girl," Shampoo said with a huff. "And Shampoo pretend she no detect sarcasm in voice."
Kaoru sighed in exasperation and got to her feet. "To what do I owe the honor of this destruction, amazons?"
Shampoo's face brightened. "You see airen? We make marriage plans! See?" She turned and showed them the back of her blouse. It said "Good" in Kanji.
Kenshin, for the life of him, still cannot grasp the seriousness of the situation and gave a guffaw.
Yahiko joined him in a hearty laugh. "Good and Evil! Oh man! That's perfect!" He shrieked, clutching his stomach.
Cologne glared at her great grand daughter and spoke. "That is not our primary concern at this time. We've come bearing bad news. It is wise that you call everyone over before I tell you anything."
Kaoru looked at Kenshin in dread. Cologne's bad news was almost never to be taken for granted.
Kenshin rose from his washing and wiped his hands on his apron. "Yahiko, go call the others."
Kaoru nodded. "We'll talk in the receiving room," she said, already leading the way for the two Chinese women.
Yahiko soon had everyone sitting in conference, sipping some hastily made tea.
"What's this about, Cologne?" Ranma asked, avoiding his wife's eyes. In their experience, whenever the old ghoul bore bad tidings, it usually involved Ranma, unwittingly or otherwise.
"I have converged with our Amazon ancestors in Joketsuzoku," Cologne began in a solemn tone.
"Eh?" Yahiko asked, scratching his head at the big word.
"She did a mumbo-jumbo grapevine thingie with her grandma-Amazons," Nabiki explained to him.
That sounded even more confusing to everyone else, but Yahiko apparently understood her, because he grinned and gave a nod for the elder to continue.
Cologne went on. "My bad news is this: The springs are currently dried up due to a horrible natural phenomenon called an earthquake some time last year. Any attempt to reconstruct the springs unnaturally will disrupt the forces that govern its magic. I'm afraid that the springs won't be useful, or harmful, in the next thirty or forty years."
The news fell upon them with a mental crash.
They were all silent at first, then Ranma and Ryouga began to glower in their respective chi.
Kaoru gasped in horror. A horrendous thought crossed her mind: Hiryu Shoten Ha and Bakusai Ten Ketsu inside my house! The rest of the Nerima-gumi was already inching away from them.
"S-Stop!" She cried desperately. "Ranma! Ryouga! Get a hold of yourselves, please!"
Kenshin and Yahiko were not sure what was going on, but by the looks of things, it wasn't going to be good.
Both men's eyes have already turned white with frustrated rage and Kaoru immediately jumped to her feet. With strength none of them knew Kaoru had, she grabbed both by their collars and flung them out, one after the other, to the koi pond with an ear-deafening battle cry.
The splash was incredible. Combined with the blue chi emanating from the men, the yard became bathed in light.
"Orororororo!" Kami-sama! I didn't know Kaoru could be THAT strong.
"A-Awesome!" Yahiko exclaimed in wonder. "That was awesome Master!"
Everyone was further surprised by the title.
Kaoru was breathing hard, her teeth clenched. "Thanks. Nobody will wreck this house while I'm alive!" She declared vehemently.
"Jou-chan! Kenshin! Everyone!" Sano cried, skidding through the hole in the gate. "I saw the explosion! Are you alright?"
"Airen!!!"
"Oh shit!" Sano cried, trying to take off in the opposite direction, but Shampoo had him down for the count in seconds.
Shampoo giggled as she pinned a shrieking Sano to the ground. "Shampoo and airen match well, yes?" She said, showing him her back.
Just then, Ranma emerged from the pond, her red hair all over her pretty face. She was sputtering angrily at no one in particular, and whatever chi-inducing emotions she previously had were washed off with the dunking.
Perhaps the real chaos began when a certain black little pig clambered out of the pond beside her, shaking its tiny body of excess water. The yellow bandana around its neck flopped about sloppily, adding to the poignant image.
Ranma, Kaoru and Kenshin winced at the inevitable. The rest, including Shampoo and perhaps Cologne, to a degree, were struck dumb.
"Oopsie…" Kaoru piped, moving a bit behind Kenshin.
"Ryouga…" Akane whispered.
P-chan froze, only then realizing exactly where he was and what he was. His beady eyes scanned the shocked faces around him and widened when they fell upon Akane who was already glowering in the shade of her namesake, Furious Red.
The piglet gave a loud squeal of alarm and scampered behind Ranma's legs.
"G-Get away from me, oinker!" Ranma shrieked, grabbing the pig by the scruff of its neck and flinging it towards Kenshin. All she could comprehend was that her wife was very, very angry, and that she didn't want to have anything to do with pig-face during that anti-hallmark moment.
"Ranma, you jerk!" Kaoru yelled from behind Kenshin.
"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed, swinging his sheathed reversed edge sword right at the P-chan projectile.
His eyes spinning, P-chan headed straight towards Nabiki and the others.
"In coming!!!!" Yahiko shouted, scampering away with the others.
Cologne gave him the stick and sent him helter-skeltering to Sano and Shampoo.
"Aiya! No mood to be chopsuyed by former-airen's wife!" Shampoo shrieked
"I'm with you on that China," Sano said, taking a stance.
They both landed flying kicks at the doomed pig.
"Bweeeeeeee!" P-chan squealed, heading straight for Kuno who had just happened to appear at the hole in the gate.
"Oh crapeth…" Kuno muttered before the pig collided with his face.
"Ryouga!!!!!!!" Akane screamed, letting go of an Akane Ha, to the utter demise of both P-chan and Kuno.
They were both almost bacon.
Akane built up another chi-blast and was about to make the first edible dish of her life when Ukyo ran in between her and the two scorched men.
"Stop! Akane, don't do anything you'll regret!" Ukyo shouted, arms spread out.
"Get out of the way, Kuonji!" Akane growled.
"No way, honey!" Ukyo yelled. "You already got Ran-chan! There's no way you're going to take this one from me as well!"
"Oh great, a bitch fight! Just what we need!" Ranma said with a groan.
"What did you say?" Akane and Ukyo exclaimed in unison, averting their attention to Ranma with dangerous glares.
Genma held up a sign. "Big mistake, son!"
"Ulp!" Ranma cried. "Now, now…Akane, my love, Ucchan, my bestest friend in the whole world…'bitch' is alright to use girl to girl, right?"
"I'm taking bets!" Nabiki declared.
Kaoru frowned and rushed to the middle of the fray.
"K-Kaoru!" Kenshin wailed, ready to fling himself on top of her to protect her from the blitz.
With her fists to her side, she took a deep breath and got ready to shout. "ENOU -- oof!"
Kenshin had them both on the ground, and Kaoru struggled to find purchase. The fighting around them raged on with Akane and Ukyo descending on Ranma-chan with a vengeance.
"Kenshin, you idiot!" Kaoru yelled. "Get off me!"
"Are you kidding? Those women would have killed you, Kaoru!" Kenshin argued frantically.
Kaoru tried to wiggle away from him and sighed in exasperation. "Those women will total my dojo if I don't do something about it!"
"Let me handle it, Ancient One," Cologne said, bounding towards the fray. With quick strokes, all three women landed harmlessly on the grass in limp heaps.
They weren't moving, but they were completely conscious.
"Take this pressure point off me, Cologne!" Akane demanded through grit teeth, her face to the ground. "I have to kill my loving husband!"
"And I have to kill my bestest friend in the whole world," Ukyo added with a scowl.
"Eh-he-he," Ranma said from her place, up side down with her body leaning on a decorative rock. "I really don't mind being like this at all."
"The Ancient One has something to say," Cologne told them pointedly. "Ancient One?"
"I really wish you'd stop calling me that, Cologne," Kaoru muttered, getting to her feet. "Alright, everyone just calm down! Yahiko, get the hot water. Kenshin, please retrieve Ryouga and Kuno for me. Shampoo, behave yourself!"
Shampoo stopped trying to steal a kiss from Sano and sighed, slinking away from the terrified ex-gangster.
Her orders were followed one by one, and soon, she held a kettle of water in her hand to administer it to the accursed.
"Akane, when Cologne restores the use of your limbs, I don't want you to try to kill anybody," Kaoru told the prostrate girl. "We will resolve everything by talking. That goes for everyone, including me. Are we all clear on this?"
The muttered affirmative replies were enough for Kaoru. She transformed Ranma and had Kenshin fix Genma and Ryouga. Kuno was brought back from the world of the dead with a bucket full of cold water.
When everyone, including the Pressure Point victims were back to normal, they sat down and tried to talk in a civilized fashion.
Megumi slid open the door to the infirmary and shook the bottle of salve in her hand thoroughly. In her other hand was a wad of fresh bandages. It was time to redress the bindings for Happosai's bones.
She approached the withered little body and stifled a wince of disgust.
Megumi prided herself for being able to wholeheartedly provide care to all those who needed it, friend or foe. In the case of Happosai, she justified her repulsion by categorizing him under neither friend, nor foe, but "mummified".
Gingerly, she removed the sheets from her patient and began to remove his top. She could only thank the gods that Ken-san wasn't the "below the belt" kind of fighter.
Staring at the old man's fish-dried skin, her lip curled in distaste before dipping her fingers into the bottle of healing salve. Carefully, she smeared the herb-scented medicine all over Happosai's chest.
A horrible groan rumbled from the old man's throat.
Megumi pulled her hand back gingerly, cautiously waiting for what would happen next. "Grandpa?"
There was no response except the old man's normal breathing.
With a slight shrug, Megumi went back to work. A few seconds later, Happosai groaned again.
Megumi was already getting a weird feeling in the pit of her stomach. She stepped a bit away from the bed and stared at Happosai warily. "Er, if you can hear me, Grandpa, please tell me if there's something wrong," she said in a rather loud voice. She assumed he was somewhat hard of hearing, considering he was all shriveled up with age.
"Brrr…" He suddenly rasped in a labored voice.
Megumi's eyes widened, astonished that she had gotten a response. The man's eyes were still closed, but his lips were moving, which only meant that he was coming out of his coma. "Grandpa? Are you cold?" She asked, moving closer and motioning to pull the blankets over him.
Happosai shook his head very slightly. He raised a mummified hand. "Cup…"
"Of course! You're thirsty!" Megumi exclaimed, slapping her palm to her forehead. She was about to fetch some water when Happosai gave an incoherent rasp again, his head rocking weakly from side to side.
"Pa…" Happosai began.
Megumi's brows knotted in worry. She bent over him and put her ear close to his mouth. "Pain? Are you in pain? Tell me where so I can help you."
"C Cup…" Happosai whispered in her ear.
This made no sense to Megumi. "Eh?"
"Bras…Panties…"
"What?"
"Pretties…ohohoho…."
Megumi could not understand what he was getting at, but that odd chortle gave her the creeps. She was now internally battling along the lines of healing or fleeing, then a thought filtered its way into her mind. "He was going to touch Kaoru," Ranma had said, which was precisely the reason Happosai was in the clinic…
"I was right. You're a C Cup," she heard a lecherous voice say.
What…? Hand…on my…"Eeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!"
"Well, the good news is, nobody owes Nabiki Fifteen Thousand Yen," Yahiko quipped.
The frowns of the accursed told of a willingness to have made the sacrifice. Suddenly, Fifteen Thousand Yen did not seem so much faced with the obliteration of their hopes for a cure.
"Shampoo feel sad again seeing sad people all around," said the amazon, trying to rub herself against Sano's arm.
Sano squirmed away with little success. "Well here, go cry somewhere else," he said, tossing a table napkin in her direction.
"My great grand daughter was suppose to have told you this two days ago," Cologne said, eyeing Shampoo and Sano. "But she was distracted, so I was told."
"I'm really sorry guys," Kaoru said sympathetically. "I wish things could have worked out differently."
"Shit happens," Nabiki muttered. She felt as if her stocks had just crashed.
"Such is life," Genma said ponderously. "I think I'm going to get myself something to eat." He henceforth splashed himself with cold water and lumbered to one of the bamboo plants in one end of the yard.
Akane put her arm around her husband and gave him a comforting hug. "You know what, idiot-dear? I think I'll just deck you and Ryouga for not telling me about P-chan later. Right now, I think you need some TLC."
Ranma sighed dejectedly but smiled at his wife. "Thanks tomboy. Sometimes, you really come through for me."
Akane grinned. "What are friends for, pervert?"
"Sexless."
They both laughed.
"I will never understand those two." Kenshin muttered to himself.
Ryouga fidgeted. "Umm, Akane? I am sorry for--"
"We'll talk later, Ryouga," Akane said whose attention was at the moment, directed at Ranma while her fingers played with her husband's hair tenderly.
"But--"
Akane rolled her eyes around and she gave Ryouga a drop-dead look. "I said, we'll talk later."
"Right," Ryouga responded. "Later. Check."
The momentary lull was interrupted by a loud shriek coming from outside the gates.
"Oh, what now?" Kaoru asked, getting to her feet, knowing that whatever it was, it would be related to them.
Megumi came bounding through the gates, flushed and terrified. She flung herself into Kaoru's arms and alarmed everyone with her panic-stricken face. "Pervert! Pervert!!! Happosai!"
"Happosai? He's awake?" Kaoru responded.
Megumi nodded and everyone got to their feet in response.
"Forsooth! The one even viler than Saotome has arisen from his slumber!" Kuno cried.
Megumi looked over her shoulder, searching frantically. "He…groped me…"
"What?!?!?" Sano cried, his fist curling. "Son of a bitch! He's SO dead!"
"Why airen so angry if pervert-man touch woman-doctor?" Shampoo asked Sano sternly.
"Not now, Shampoo!" Sano hissed, pushing himself away from an amazon glomp. "Where is that pervert?"
In a flash of light, Happosai came jumping out of nowhere and proceeded to accost each and every woman present (under thirty), pulling out their underwear tops in the process. A series of different pitched shrieks invaded the house, and by the time Happosai had gone through all of them, the men were ready to wage a full-fledged war.
"Get back here, you dirty old man!" Ranma screamed, jumping after him.
"DIE HAPPOSAI!" Ryouga cried.
"How dare you dishonor the beauteous Akane and the hauntingly sublime Kamiya Kaoru!"
"I'm going to hurt you so bad, pervert!" Sano growled, charging into the rumble.
Kenshin didn't even have to say anything. He had his sword out, his eyes have gone golden, and he was flying through the air with perhaps the best speed among the throng of pursuers.
Chi blasts were flying in all directions, and the punches and kicks that missed landed all over the place, leaving craters and splinters of wood at its wake.
Through it all, Happosai was having the time of his life.
Kenshin had a right mind to beat off all the men so that he could get it on with Happosai one on one, but if he did, they'd never forgive him for it.
"This is insane!" Kaoru cried.
"Alright girls!" Ukyo said, whipping out her spatula. "Are we gonna let the men have all the fun? Those are our bras Happosai has! I happen to like my CKs! Are you in?"
Kaoru had a determined look on her face as she pulled out her bokken. "Victoria's Secret sez so!"
"So does Josie Natori!" Akane growled, mallet in hand.
"Shampoo not wear bra, but want get back for indecency!" The amazon said in rage.
"Attack!!!!" Yelled the combat women in unison.
The battle became crazier than ever.
"Oh my god!" Megumi exclaimed as Ranma and Ryouga let go of ki blasts.
"Um…I think I'll sit this one out," Yahiko remarked, observing the mayhem before him.
Nabiki pulled herself and the doctor to a safe distance. "Leave it to the pros. They'll be fine."
"I suppose," Cologne began with a sigh, "the deliveries are a goner."
Amidst the raging battle, Mousse appeared on top of the dojo gate. "Segara Sanosuke! I challenge you to a fight!"
"Not now, Mousse!" Kaoru said to him hastily, kicking off into the air in the hopes of landing a big one on Happosai.
Mousse paid her no heed and tried to make out the blurry figures beyond his glasses.
He saw a white figure, with Kanji on its back.
"Ah…Segara Sanosuke, say your prayers!" Mousse muttered with a smirk.
Mousse jumped, raised his sleeves and released long chains that wound itself around the Kanji marked ex-gangster.
The chains wrapped his opponent's entire form in seconds and Mousse flung him to the roof of the house.
And then he heard it: The voice of his beloved crying out with a resounding "Aiya!"
"Well, that solves Sano's problems, at least," Cologne said ponderously after watching her great grand daughter being flung headfirst on the roof by her now idiot-son-in-law, Mousse.
She watched as Mousse realized that he had made a terrible (but very fortunate) mistake. He rushed to Shampoo's still form and began unwrapping her from her chains.
Megumi looked at her. "Does it now?"
Cologne nodded. "Amazon law says that between a male outsider and a male amazon who has both beaten the same amazon woman in battle, the chronological order being irrelevant, the male amazon will always be preferred and have precedence."
"Didn't know you cared, Megumi," Nabiki said with a smirk, winking at Yahiko who grinned in return.
Megumi gave a huff. "As if!"
Yahiko gasped. "Hey look!" He said, pointing to Kaoru's mirror that was now hung against the wall of the receiving room.
It was glowing, and something was forming within the halo of light.
"If a demon steps out of that, I swear…" Nabiki said nervously.
Cologne shook her head. "No. The chi is powerful, but it isn't evil."
The mirror's surface flashed brightly and they had to squint their eyes to see through the glare.
A woman stepped out. Her stance was distinguished, with purpose, and she brandished a sword.
Happosai didn't know what hit him, or rather, he knew it too well. He dropped to the ground in an unconscious heap, a diagonal imprint of a sword on his body from shoulder to hip.
"Cool, Kenshin! You did it again!" Ranma said, dropping to a graceful crouch on the grass.
The rest of the men did the same and the women clamored forward to retrieve their mistreated delicates.
Kenshin stared at them, dumbfounded. "I didn't do anything."
Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at him. "Eh?" They demanded in unison.
Kaoru rose to her feet. "But that's impossible! You and Hiko are the only two people in the world who can do an Amekakeru Ryuu No Hirameki!" She was waving her bra about, and the sight of it sent Ryouga in a nosebleed.
"Correction," said a familiar voice from the corner of the yard. "Himura-sama and Hiko-sama are the only two people who can do it in this generation. As for the future generations…"
A general gasp came as they saw who the woman was.
"Mom!" Ranma and Akane cried.
"Auntie Nodoka!" Kaoru exclaimed, a smile spreading across her face. "When did you get here?"
Nodoka smiled back and sheathed her sword. "About a minute ago. I've come here for a reason. Think we can all sit down and talk?"
"Of course, auntie," Kaoru said, grabbing Happosai's still form and then taking the woman affectionately by the arm.
"Ranma, where is your father?" Nodoka asked.
Ranma scoffed. "Beats me, mom. He didn't join in on the fight, and now that you're here, he's probably hiding."
"Probably," Nodoka responded.
Mousse came towards them carrying an unconscious Shampoo in his arms. He looked extremely worried.
"My god! You didn't!" Ukyo exclaimed.
Mousse looked very troubled. "I'm afraid I did."
"Well, that's good, isn't it?" Kaoru intoned. "Not only is Sano off the hook, but Shampoo now has to marry you by operation of Amazon Law."
Sano's eyes widened. "Really? Yahoo! I'm a free man!"
"But I never wanted to hurt her like this!" Mousse cried in despair, nuzzling Shampoo's forehead remorsefully.
Kenshin took pity on him, seeing that the Amazon male was guilt ridden with the fact that he had knocked his beloved unconscious. In the most extreme way, Kenshin knew exactly how Mousse felt. "Have Megumi-dono check on her. She is a doctor, but I'm sure Shampoo-dono will be fine."
Mousse nodded and went to Megumi who immediately took to treating the girl in the receiving room. Happosai was now officially struck out of her waiting list.
For the nth time that day, they all sat to convene.
Kaoru introduced the Kenshin-gumi. When she got to Kenshin, Nodoka eyed the samurai critically.
"Is he manly?" Nodoka asked Kaoru in a whisper that wasn't soft enough for no one else to hear.
"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed, turning red in the face.
Kaoru gave Kenshin a sly wink before replying. "Of course he is, auntie."
"Thank you very much, Madame, for taking care of Kaoru when she was in Nerima," Kenshin said to Nodoka with a respectful bow.
"Very polite, just like you said, Kaoru-chan," Nodoka said in approval.
Kenshin thought this to be a little embarrassing.
Nodoka turned to everyone and her presence demanded their attention. "I've come here to get everyone who belongs to Nerima back to Nerima. There will be no more honeymoons in the Meiji, or hunting for cures to curses. There are far too many risks to let you all loose around here. There have been disturbances in the balance already."
This sounded quite alarming.
"What kind of disturbances, mom?" Akane asked with a worried frown.
"Well," Nodoka said. "For starters, has there been an attempt to get Kaoru to end up with someone other than Himura-sama?"
The guilty and embarrassed faces that suddenly rose out of the room said it all.
Nodoka sighed and shook her head. "Do any of you realize that changing that particular part of history would have been disastrous? Ranma, my son, you would have undertaken your own non-existence."
"What?" Ranma asked.
Nodoka nodded and presented a huge, age-worn book. "I dug this out of a private collection back in Nerima," she explained. She opened it to a page that revealed an intricately done chart. Upon closer observation, they could make out wide spanning branches that had the makings of a family tree. Nodoka pointed to the top.
Kenshin and Kaoru's eyes widened.
"Why, those are our names!" Kaoru exclaimed.
"That's right," said Nodoka. "Now look down there." She pointed to a section on the page again.
"Oro! It's Ranma-dono…"
Realization struck the whole room like a bolt of lightning.
"Holy…SHIT!" Ranma cried, staring at Kenshin and Kaoru. "You guys are my great, great, great grandparents!"
Cologne chuckled. "Will wonders never cease? If I can convince the Ancient One to join my sisters in Joketsuzoku in this era, Shampoo might eventually end up with Ranma after all!"
Akane glared at her. "Don't even think about it, Cologne." She warned.
"The private collection is owned by my clan, stemming from the Himura line. Not only did you pass over this reversed edge sword I have here, Himura-sama, but you somehow managed to teach Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu to your heirs, your way, of course. That's how I learned it." Nodoka went on to say. "If you still don't believe me, then I have one simple question for you: Where do you think Ranko got such red hair from?"
"Oro!"
"Kenshin! We're going to have seven kids! Look!" Kaoru said delightedly, bending over the page more closely.
"Oro!"
"Kenshin, you dog!" Sano said with a laugh.
Kaoru squinted. "There's some fading print here…are those dates?"
Nodoka closed the book hastily and placed her hands on the cover. "There are some things you're better off not seeing, Kaoru-chan, unless you want to know what year you and Himura-sama are going to die."
Kaoru and Kenshin paled.
Ranma's eyes swerved to Nabiki who was already sneaking off. "And where do you think you're going?"
Nabiki turned around and tried to flash a brilliant smile. "I remembered that I forgot something in my room…I just have to…"
"Oh no you don't," Akane said sternly. "Get back here, Big Sister!"
"Look, if I knew, I never would have done what I did," Nabiki tried to explain. "And it's not like it's completely my fault. When you think about it, Ryouga's the real culprit."
"H-Hey!" Ryouga protested immediately. "There was nothing remotely 'grandmother' about Kaoru! So if I…had a thing for her, you can just bite me!"
Kuno shook his head in disbelief. "I cannot reconcile the fact that a vile sorcerer such as Saotome Ranma could have sprung from the loins of such distinguished ancestors. You are not fit to call yourself Kamiya Kaoru's grandchild, nor the great Battousai's descendant."
Ranma frowned at him and clenched a fist. "Tatewaki, why don't I honor my ancestor's 'loins' right now by pulverizing yours!"
"Maa…maa…Ranma-kun," Kenshin said. Everyone noticed that he had significantly changed the honorific. "Do not shame the Himuras by being affected with Kuno-san's 'loins'."
All except Kuno laughed.
"Doth mock my 'loins'!"
"Your 'loins' are going to get it if you don't shut-up, Tacchi," Nabiki warned him.
"Then of course," Nodoka said to Kaoru and Kenshin aside, her voice lowered confidentially. "There's the matter of the lost boy. I take it a certain ex-gangster isn't very good with directions?"
Kaoru and Kenshin raised an eyebrow towards Sano, whom they recalled got terribly lost on the way to Kyoto once upon a time.
"The curse intensifies through the generations," Nodoka said with a chuckle.
"Who does he end up with?" Kaoru asked.
"Do you really want to know?" Nodoka responded.
Kaoru nodded and leaned over.
Nodoka bent over and covered her mouth to speak in Kaoru's ear. Kaoru's eyes widened in surprise and then she chuckled, sitting back when Nodoka was done.
"Well, maybe I should have expected it, but…wow! Who'd have thought?" Kaoru said.
Kenshin raised an eyebrow. "Kaoru-dearest, who will Sano end up with?"
Kaoru laughed. "Oh, don't you dearest me! I'll tell you some other time. The answer will surprise you!"
Kenshin tried to tease her into giving in, and they were so involved with each other that Yahiko again made a face. Ukyo just had to say, "No wonder you guys ended up with seven kids. You're so, like, all over each other!"
Kenshin and Kaoru blushed.
"So you see," Nodoka spoke. "I have to get all of you out of here before you cause any further damage to the cosmos. I shudder at the thought that you might have changed something already."
"When do we have to go, mom?" Ranma asked, his tone reluctant.
Nodoka gave him an understanding smile. "Now, I'm afraid."
One way or another, everyone gave sighs of disappointment. Even the Kenshin-gumi looked quite saddened by the news. Chaotic as their lives may have become, the arrival of the Nerima-gumi has made things very interesting without the usual psychotic killers who want revenge. Well…at least Psychotics, Killers and Vengeance Seekers never came together all in one person. Distributing the characteristics among individuals definitely made all the difference. The main thing was, it was only now that they were all finally getting along. It would have been ten times as fun now that they were all on their way to being friends.
"Hey! Yahiko-chan!" Sano called. "Are you crying?"
Yahiko scratched his eye and scowled. "N-No! Course not! Just got something in my eye, that's all! And don't call me chan!"
Everyone stifled their laughter.
"A-Airen…" a tiny voice breathed from the corner.
Those in conference looked at the direction of the makeshift medic's station.
"Sh-Shampoo!" Mousse exclaimed, his voice a bit panic stricken.
"It's okay," Megumi told him gently. "She'll be fine. I've seen worse."
"Duck boy?" Shampoo spoke, blinking slowly out of her unconsciousness. "You one who defeat me?"
Mousse nodded wordlessly.
Shampoo sat up with Mousse helping her. She shook her head a bit to clear her vision then she looked at Mousse with an eyebrow raised. "That make you new…fiancée."
He nodded again, anticipating some sort of reproach or admonition.
Shampoo stared for a moment and no one said anything, awaiting her reaction.
What she said was completely unexpected. "Could be worse. Shampoo could have gotten engaged to pig-boy. That Shampoo not stand."
Mousse's face brightened to a smile and a general sigh of relief pervaded among the spectators. Ryouga gave Kaoru a sidelong glance that said, "Told you so."
Kaoru laughed.
"Does this mean I'm off the hook, Fox Lady?" Sano asked Megumi with a wink.
Megumi gave him a dazzling smile. "Oh, is that what you think? You can just kiss my ass and oh, maybe help out in the clinic every day for say, three months? Make that four, and I just might consider giving you a chance. In the meantime, why don't you find a job? Women like that in a man, don't you know."
Sano bristled visibly and tried to ignore the smothered giggles.
"Anyway," Ukyo said, grinning from ear to ear. "About leaving. Couldn't we like, have a going away party? You know, this is the best time I've had, ever, and I wouldn't want to just up and leave.
Apart from Cologne, who was merely staring with aging complacency, the faces surrounding Nodoka turned to her with pleading eyes.
"Mom, that would be really nice," Akane said.
"Party!" Yahiko cheered.
The whole room erupted with appeals and heartwarming petitions.
Nodoka gave them an amused smile then turned to Kenshin and Kaoru. "What do you think Grandmother? Grandfather?"
Laughter filled the room and they knew their request had been granted.
The express party was undertaken.
The girls put on their party clothes and Kaoru even changed into a nice twentieth century little dress (to the utter almost-nosebleed of Kenshin). After everyone pitched in to prepare a few snacks, Nabiki replenished the batteries on her radio and cranked up the volume.
Genma, with a single sword flash from Nodoka, joined in on the festivities as a man.
The Kenshin, Sano, Yahiko and Megumi had never heard such upbeat music in their lives.
"Come on, Yahiko. I want to give this music a whirl," Megumi said, pulling the boy to the dance floor where Akane and Ukyo were already busting a groove with a very hilarious Ranma.
Yahiko stuck a tongue out at Sano before giving his full attention to the doctor.
Sano grumbled a few expletives before turning to his sake.
"Get over here, Ryou-honey! Show me what you got!" Ukyo called, gesturing to Ryouga who was now turning extremely red.
"Er…I don't really dance…"
"Neither do I, but who the hell cares?" Ranma said, executing a totally absurd funky-chicken.
"That ought to convince anybody," Ryouga muttered, getting to his feet.
Kaoru giggled upon seeing that Ryouga was almost as hopeless as Ranma.
"Oof!" Ranma and Ryouga exclaimed, as they slammed full-bodied into each other. They fell on their butts at the same time, sending the whole room into howls of laughter.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Ranma demanded. "Why do you turn everything into a fight?"
"It's not like I didn't warn you, you know," Ryouga responded, wobbling back to his feet.
Shampoo had given up on Mousse who was currently dancing with a pillar of wood.
"Shampoo, is it just me or have you lost a little weight?" Mousse asked the beam.
"Duck-boy moron!" Shampoo muttered, sitting herself down and letting Mousse romance the wooden column. "How Mousse-idiot mistake Shampoo for pole is mystery. Shampoo have curves to die for and Mousse think I'm stick of wood. Very moron!"
"Genma, dance," Nodoka told her husband curtly.
Cowering under the shadow of the sword his wife held, he scampered to his feet. "Yes, precious." He started to do an even worse dance than his son.
"At least we know where Ranma got such zero dancing-talent, koishii," Kenshin whispered to Kaoru.
Kaoru laughed. "Yes. Not from our side of the family!"
"My feet doth stir, oh frozen one," Kuno said to Nabiki. "Will thou join me in this flighty revelry?"
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "How much you got?"
"Three Thousand Yen."
"Deal."
Nabiki swept Kuno in a travesty of a tango.
With an evil grin on her face, Cologne tossed the unconscious Happosai up into the air. "Mock Beachball!" She said.
The dancing crowd cheered and Happosai bounced haplessly above hands and heads.
"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed as Megumi tossed the old man high enough to make him bounce off the ceiling.
"Alright, you two," Kaoru said to Kenshin and Sano. "I'll take both of you on. Come on."
Pulling both men with her, she danced between them gracefully, flustering her dancing partners with her ease.
Megumi bit her tongue from making a Jou-chan-Sano remark, seeing that the rooster-head was panicked enough at the mere anticipation of the fox's teasing.
The song "We Are Family" rang from the radio and the Nerima-gumi with Kaoru whooped in delight.
It was appropriate, in more ways than one, because family, blood or not, they certainly were.
Late in the night, the Nerima-gumi decided it was time to go.
Standing in front of the mirror, there was a bittersweet atmosphere amidst the smiles.
"Kaoru-chan, we'll miss you so much," Ukyo said, hugging her friend tightly. "Me, especially."
Kaoru hugged her back, feeling her tears coming already. "I will miss all of you too. I wish we could always see each other, but as Auntie Nodoka said, it isn't safe."
Akane hugged her next, whispering heartfelt words of gratitude. "You know I love you, Kaoru-chan. You were the reason Ranma and I finally found each other."
Kaoru smiled, pinching her cheek. "You be good, great, great, great grand daughter in law."
Akane laughed with tears in her eyes.
Ranma gave Kaoru a stiff embrace, a hurried kiss on her cheek and a muttered, "Thanks for everything and I love you too. Bye, foster sis…er, great grandma."
"Jeez, Ranma, grow up!" Kaoru told him with a chuckle.
"Whatever!"
Nodoka cried buckets before letting Kaoru go.
Nabiki stepped up, kissed Kaoru's cheek and said, "Kaoru, we could have gone places."
"Yes, yes," Kaoru responded tolerantly, waving her hand. "I know. Goodbye Nabiki. I will miss your conniving little heart."
"And I will miss yours," Nabiki said, cocking a grin. "Rooster-head, shape up. You, Kenshin, it was nice having the pleasure of turning you into mush. Yahiko, you be good now. Nabiki is always watching. Truth be told, I think you're the most adorable eleven year old I've ever met."
"How 'bout coming back when I'm twenty something?" Yahiko asked with a smirk.
"I'll think about it," Nabiki replied with a straight face. "Megumi-sensei, you go girl."
"Always," Megumi said, raising an eyebrow and smiling.
Shampoo, Cologne and Mousse went before Kaoru together, bowing respectfully.
"We will always remember you with reverence, Ancient One," Cologne spoke for all of them.
Kaoru chuckled. "Sure hope so. Maybe I'll look into your invitation to the Amazon Tribe."
All three looked at her with hope.
"Oro! K-Kaoru-dearest!" Kenshin exclaimed in horror.
"Kidding," Kaoru said to ease his fears.
The Amazons gave resigned shrugs.
Genma, who was now a panda again, held up a sign. "Goodbye Kaoru! Glad to know I played pop to my wife's ancestor for four years!"
"I'm not exactly a Daddy's Girl in your case, Genma, but in a strange way, I'll miss you too," Kaoru said as a matter of factly.
"Parting is such sweet sorrow! Would thou finally honor mine lips on this final night of our tryst?" Kuno asked.
"Nice try, Tacchi, but Kenshin will kill you first. Not that it matters to me, or anything," Kaoru replied cheerfully.
Kenshin's feral grin just confirmed her words.
"Oh," Kuno responded. "If that is the case, accept this bokken as a sign of my undying love. Perhaps, its purity will exorcise you of the vile Humura's sorcery."
"Thanks Tachhi. I'll treasure it always," Kaoru said with just a wee-bit of sarcasm. She took the bokken and slung it over her shoulder to oblige him.
"Umm…Kaoru-chan?"
Kaoru turned and gave Ryouga her loveliest smile. "You, Pig-boy! Get over here."
Ryouga approached her meekly.
Kaoru took him in a warm embrace of which he was quick to be receptive to.
Kenshin grit his teeth and his eyes, usually either purple or gold, began to turn green.
"Kenshin, you better not turn Hitokiri or no make-out for the next seven days," Kaoru said, not leaving Ryouga's embrace.
"Y-Yes, dearest."
"Now," Kaoru whispered in Ryouga's ear. "There's a wonderful girl waiting for you to let me go completely and I want you to learn how to love her with all your heart. Okay?"
Ryouga peeked from the tangle of Kaoru's hair and saw Ukyo. He smiled and gave Kaoru the simplest of replies. "Okay."
They separated and Ryouga approached Kenshin with confidence. "You better take care of Kaoru, you Old Geezer, or I'll be last thing you'll see on this earth."
Kenshin gave a good-natured shrug and grinned. "Kiss mine, Bacon-breath-dono."
The two rivals cocked each other a smile.
Ryouga joined the Nerima-gumi, stepping up beside Ukyo and holding her hand. The smiles they exchanged with each other held great promise.
Ranma hauled Happosai in his arms. "Bye you guys. Maybe we'll see each other again. Kenshin, you kick ass like a real pro." He reached out to the mirror and said the magic words.
The mirror flashed, enveloping them in light, and a second later, the Nerima-gumi were gone.
Author's Note: Before you think everything's over, I would like to remind you that there's still the matter on who Sano ends up with to become Ryouga's ancestor. You'll see. It's interesting.
I'm really sorry Ryouga and Kenshin didn't really get to face off. I did get a lot of requests for that, but I wanted to keep the seriousness to a minimum (you noticed?). Besides, Kenshin would have to kick Ryouga's butt if I put in a fight, and I don't hate Ryouga, you know, which is why I gave him Ukyo. I'm also sorry Weasel-girl didn't make it to the billing.
Furthermore, I would just like to point out that I thought starting and ending the Nerima-Meiji get together with utter chaos sort of brings it around full-circle. Hope you liked that touch. Go get some closure and read the Epilogue.
Epilogue: 'Tis Written