Okay…because of popular demand…okay…..3 people…but that IS
popular demand for me ;)
The Slash Version to the Gen I posted.
Title: The Day it fell apart
Author: Strange Music
Fandom: ER
Pairing: Benton/Carter (With help of nice feedback I finally
convinced them…And believe me it was more than just tough
work. Carter was somewhere else with his thoughts the whole
time and Benton was telling me that Carter wasn't ready for this.
But we found a compromise as I worked on Benton "Look how
good he feels in you arms" and Muse worked on Carter [And
frankly she had the tougher Job])
Rating: a very borderline PG 13 but no NC-17 me think…okay I
spell it out. And there is some making out.
Summary: Thought the episode there was one thing I recognized
the most. Carter is a terrible liar. Benton POV of some of the
events taking place on MayDay
Email: Strange_music@hotmail.com
Web Page: Pushed back even further because I don't know if I
will stay with the current one (Thank you SO much Homestead
for starting to charge you costumer!!)
Disclaimer: The characters and events taking place in this story
belong to they respective owner and not to me.
Warnings: Spoiler for the End of May Day
.:/Can you keep your head
.:/Your backbone or your heart
.:/You'll all find out the answer
.:/on the it fell apart
"The day it fell apart" by Leslie Fish
The Day it fell apart
By Strange Music
He is a terrible liar.
I have known that ever since I met him.
If not the worst liar that I ever known that at least a pretty close runner to it.
Ever since I started working with him I knew that I would always know the truth.
That I would always know everything I needed to know about him.
All that I would have to do was ask him.
And when he would answer I would know.
If he would answer truthfully I would know.
And if he would try and lie I would know too.
Cause I would be able to see when he would lie.
Because the things is that he just wasn't able to lie and would give himself away
whenever he tried to. Funnily he actually thought that he could lie. That his unsure
stutter his flickering guilty gaze and his wrenching hands wouldn't tip of even a
blind person.
So it wasn't a surprise when Abby knew that something had been going on when
she went back into the room.
So it wasn't a surprise when both Dr. Weaver and Mark could see it when he
denied it.
And it wasn't a surprise to me when I was able to see it on his face as he looked at
us. No matter the words I could see that it wasn't the truth.
All this wasn't a surprise.
The actually surprise was something else.
The realisation that as lousy liar as he was he still had us fooled ever since he
gotten back too work.
"I am fine"
How many times had he told us this bold lie into our faces and we had actually
believed it. How many times had he fooled us with it.
Or maybe that he hadn't fooled us at all.
Maybe just like now we would have seen it if only we would have looked.
And it actually hurt.
Despite my protest I had always believed him to be my friend. And in some
dreams I actually hoped him to be more someday but I knew that the time had not
yet come for that.
And I know that I wasn't the only friend he had among the staff. There were
Mark, Dr. Weaver, Deb, Dave, Abby and even Luka.
Yet all of us missed the signs.
Till it was too late.
Till he stood in front of us with eyes that spoke in disbelieve. With eyes that
shown in hurt. And I saw that he had stopped believing that we cared.
All he seemed to feel at this moment was cornered.
So why should he believe any of us when they said that they wanted only his best.
And that they were his friends.
They didn't understand that all those month weren't that easy to undo. That Carter
needed more that this ultimatum that they given him.
He needed someone to tell him.
And that was why I followed him out of the room and onto the street.
To talk with him. To show him that, when no one else , at least I still cared what
happened to him. Because I knew that without this we would loose him.
Without a doubt.
For certain.
*~*~*~*
I knew that I had won part of the battle when I closed my arms around him.
Holding him tight as he cried out the pain that must have been building since long.
I was whispering nonsense to him. Kissed his head as I held him even tighter. He
needed it.
It was his only chance.
The only he had left in his life.
After what felt like a long time he stopped crying.
But I didn't let go and neither did it feel like he wanted me too.
I once had been were he was. Looking at my life my medical degree as it I didn't
care. And I hadn't. After Gant had died it had been as of someone had pulled a
smokescreen over my mind. Knowing that it had been my fault I no longer cared
what happened to me. I almost destroyed myself back then. If there hadn't been
for two certain young man to pull my back I wouldn't have known as how I would
I have ended.
One of them was Reese.
And the other was Carter.
And now today I had to be the one. To pull *him* back from the abyss that he was
running straight into.
"Dr. Benton" at first I almost didn't hear his whisper. And he looked into my eyes
I took this as my clue to let him go. For a moment he couldn't meet my eyes. As if
he felt embarrassed about breaking down like this. "I am s…"
"Carter…if I say you are sorry. I swear to good I will kick your ass too Atlanta."
He ducked his head "I am…I mean…I...okay."
I ruffled his hair in affection. I liked the way it felt under my finger. So smooth
and soft. But I got my mind back to here and now.
"Then we better get to the airport and catch that plane of yours." In the corner of
my eyes I could see him look at me in surprise.
"You come to the airport with me?"
Actually that had been what I had planned. But when he looked at me I knew that
it wouldn't be enough. Not and for him and neither for me.
"Actually I am coming with you to Atlanta."
For a moment the look of affection was all too clear. So clear that I actually
thought to see felling of felt for him repeated.
But it darkened when apparently another thought came up. "You know. You don't
have to go with me. I will go to that Centre. You don't have to make sure that I
do."
I smiled.
"I am going with you because I can see that you need someone at your side."
"Bu…"
"Because I can see that you need a friend."
That shut him up for sure as I again saw a glimmer start in his eyes. But this time
was able to blink it away.
"Are you?"
"What?"
"My friend. I worked so hard for you to accept me as a friend. I can't believe that
you are now. Not after I screwed up so badly."
"Carter. I have been you friend for a long time. There just was never the right
moment to say it out loud. And I actually thought you knew."
"I didn't know. I only thought sometimes that I imagined it."
"No never."
*~*~*~*
We made it to the airport in silence.
The same as well for the time we spent there.
I was busy trying to arrange everything from getting his ticket to getting mine.
He was busy in his own world.
Standing at another counter to wait for being sent to another one. Bureaucracy
was so much fun.
Looking back I could see him slummed in the chair that he was sitting in.
Defeated.
I knew that he was worried. No matter what I said to him. But I knew that in time
things would be better. Now he needed some out time. Some time to think and
talk about it. He needed help. And I would make sure that he got it.
Right now as he was hurting and slowly starting to feel the signs of withdraw the
world tended to look darker then it was.
Making sure I kept the counter in my gaze as to see when the employee would
return with my card I went back to sit beside him.
He didn't see me right away. I doubted that he saw anything beside the film that
must run behind his eyes.
As I reached out softly to him and still he jumped slightly in his seat. I couldn't
help but see the sign of pain that crossed his face or the wince that he tried to
conceal.
And without thinking much I reached out and started to softly rub the place that I
knew was bothering him.
His first shock quickly disappearing into an expression of pleasure.
Still I left my hand there till his features relaxed and he turned to my and smiled.
"Thanks...You didn't have to."
"Oh yes I did"
Then the conversation was stopped by the appearance of the member of staff. And
if I didn't get hard of hearing on my not-yet-so-old age he actually sounded
disappointed when I left.
*~*~*~*
The flight wasn't long 3 hours.
But for me it seemed that it was a lot longer.
Especially when I looked over to Carter and saw his face get more and more tight
with the pain. Despite all other trouble there was now the narrow and hard seating
pressing into his back. Yet when I asked him if he wanted any slight painkillers he
had declined.
I wasn't sure if I should be relived or not.
Relived because I could see that he was doing his best to see it through.
Or not because I just hated to see him in pain.
He didn't look at me at all. Just starring out of the window. Caught in what ever
world he had stepped in.
And that when I stepped into my own.
You see I have been in love with him for some time. But fool that I am I didn't
want to accept it till he almost died. That was when I sat down and realised that I
might not be as straight as I thought I was.
I talked with Jackie. Hoping that she would tell me of and set my head literally
straight again. As she had so many time before. Yet she did none it. I had
forgotten how much she despised Cleo.
And how much she liked Carter.
I remember the first time the two of them had met. It was like she instantly
decided to adopt that 'nice young man'.
And for weeks I could listen to her preaching to me to 'Be nice to him' and 'treat
him kindly'
She didn't talk with me for a day when I replied that I was his teacher not his
mother.
Anyway it was after all this had started. After he had almost been killed by a
patient that I realised that I didn't want to loose him. And the reason why.
However the problem was not me. The problem was that he was straight. Or at
least so his numerous girlfriends told me.
I wasn't blond.
I wasn't white.
And most certainly I wasn't female.
I didn't have a chance.
Do I simply made the decision to stay away from him. At least till would have
gotten my feeling under control again.
It was a mistake.
Because he would have needed me close.
As a friend.
There is a saying that goes 'Friends are like parachutes. If they are not here when
you need them Chances are that you won't need them anytime soon.'
And that was what had happened.
Only that the realisation was too late now. He was already crashed to the harsh
floor of reality. He was already hurt. And I could only hope that he would heal
again.
Then just as I looked back into the book that I had picked up on the airport. I
caught a gaze of him.
A gaze that actually gave me a bit hope again.
*~*~*~*
We arrived at the airport at almost 1 o'clock. He was tired and so was I. So he
didn't argue when I told him that I would take us a hotel room and get some rest
before going into the clinic.
Or as he put it 'throw me in the lion's den.'
When we arrived in the room the relive as he sat on the bed told me everything
about whether or not this had been a good idea.
It had been a very long day for both of us. And we deserved the rest before this. I
could hardly believe that it had been less than 24 hours since the shooting at the
school.
I know I was right and so knew Kovac. At least medically.
Humanly I knew what Kovac had felt. He had seen to many people die of
senseless violence as to feel anything but anger about it. I don't think that he will
ever be able again to feel anything else.
With Reese in my life I knew how it must feel. How I would feel if something
happened to my son.
"Dr. Benton?"
Carter was standing in front of me and looking down at me worried. Seemed liked
I had been a bit of a zone-out.
"Yes Carter?"
"I just wanted to ask you if you needed the bathroom. Because I would really like
to get rid of the sweat"
"Won't stop you…go ahead."
He threw back a strange gaze at me.
And that was when I realised that I had stared at him the whole time.
*~*~*~*
He finished his shower and I stepped in after him.
I passed him a half of my sandwich and he said thank you. Actually he didn't even
say thank you. He just slightly smiled at me with a full mouth and mumbled
something.
Anyway in other words the rest of the remaining awaken was pretty much spent in
silent.
Till we both went to our respective beds.
*~*~*~*
I first didn't know what it was that had woken me up. Still too caught up in the
confusing dream I had. Something about giant wasp and collectors that didn't kill
even when they only needed the sting. All the while I was collecting something
myself while driving around in the car of the film 60 Sec.
But my attention was quickly caught when I heard what had woken me.
A shout coming from the other bed.
Pain swinging in it.
"NO!"
I closed my eyes with a sight. Because I knew what he must be dreaming about.
After all he had told Mark that he had still nightmares and trouble sleeping. I just
guess that till now I hadn't known just how strong they were.
"Please…NOO….NOT LUCY. It was my fault. I was the one that caught you
pain. She just did what I told her to do. Please NOO…..noooo"
His feet were tangled up at his feet and his whole body was drenched in sweat.
I know that you weren't supposed to wake up people from a nightmare But I
didn't think that he would object much.
So I stepped closer and shook his shoulder.
"Carter?…You have to wake up John."
And he did.
His eyes blinking open. Starring at me in such fear that I knew that it wasn't me
that he was seeing. Only slowly starting to recognise me. For the first moment he
said nothing. Just wrapping his hands around himself and shivered. Then he
looked at he and with a voice horse of the screaming said "I am sorry. I didn't
mean to wake you up."
I snorted. I had hardly thought that he had had this nightmare intentionally to
wake me up. But that was Carter. One of the most guiltable person I knew
I just rolled my eyes and choose not to comment on it.
"I am all right again you can go back to sleep."
But he didn't object when I took away his blanket and replaced it with my dry
one. As a matter of fact he also didn't object when I wrapped my arms around him
and lay down with him.
"Dr. Benton…I didn't knew"
"Shut up Carter and go back to sleep"
And he did.
Of course he didn't know. And much more he didn't know how close the words
said in fun hit home.
But I would never use a situation like this. Not when he was so vulnerable. This
was comfort.
If I wanted him any other way then only if he was in this bed knowing about it.
Expecting it.
Not holding onto his arms as if they were the protecting him.
*~*~*~*
The next thing I knew saw him looking at me with a hunger in his eyes that I had
never before seen directed at me.
His hands teasing my chest as slowly almost lazily drew his fingers over it. Then
with a smile a leaned forward and kissed me. So deeply that I felt like there was
no point where I could say for certain that he ended and I started.
I felt like moaning but I didn't have the breath.
He gave me time to breath but only to make it a gasp as he slowly pushed his hand
in my boxer shorts.
"Carter are …..Oh my god" he had tightened his hand slightly "Carter are you
sure about this."
The lower part of my brain told me that I was insane even thinking about asking.
But I had to make sure. He was too vulnerable easy to hurt.
And all this was too important to me as risk it.
He was too important to me.
He just smiled and kissed me again.
"How does it look like."
"It looks…." A sharp intake of breath as he slow but certain started to draw down
my shorts. And another as he made me feel that he wasn't wearing any himself
anymore as well.
Lying on me he moved slowly. As if drawing out the monition as long as possible.
"Carter..oh my god…." I moaned
And that was when I woke up.
*~*~*~*
Or better that was when I found myself looking into two very big eyes that looked
at me like I had just changed myself into a Goblin.
I felt the heat rush in my cheeks and actually had only one hope.
"Tell me I didn't talk in my sleep."
He didn't answer.
He didn't *have* to. I had seen stroke patients that had less colour that he had.
I moved away from him and sat up at the edge of the bed only kept from moving
away by his hand that reached out to me.
"Is this how you feel about me?"
I buried my head in my hands. For a few moments not knowing what to say.
"You don't have any reason to be afraid of me Carter. It is a dream" My dream.
I heard laughter and turned around.
"Dr. Benton. I am almost 30 years old. I am neither tender nor am I by the
statistics of my last medical a flower. I know how to defend myself." He sniggerd
and then moved closer till he sat at my side "I might not be great at taking care of
myself but I know defence. And I know for certain that you will never harm me."
"Thanks Carter" I didn't know why I was thanking him but I felt like it.
"Anytime...But that doesn't answer my question."
"You sure you really want to hear it?"
He smiled and nodded.
"This is how I feel about you"
"What about Cleo and all the others."
"Well Cleo is Cleo. The other are what they are. And you…are you"
"Diplomatically."
I turned and looked closer. "Does it bother you?"
"No..it just surprised me. 24 hours ago I didn't even think you were my friend
because you didn't let me close. And now I find out that there might have been a
reason for that. Actually.." I felt him lean at my shoulder "I might even say that I
like the thought. Just not now. Not when there is so much else that I have to
concentrate on."
He leaned over and kissed me on the lips.
Unlike the kiss in my dreams this was almost shy. "But it give me something I can
look forward too."
His hand guided me back onto the bed and like before he drew his hands around
him. Whispering something about sleeping better and then was gone quicker than
a light.
I felt myself follow him into the realms of dream. Still puzzled if that what
happened had been a dream as well.
Hoping that it hasn't been.
*~*~*~*
He was already up the next morning when I woke up. Standing in the bathroom
while trying to figure out the coffee-machine standing there.
Softly singing some song that I didn't recognise.
Finally he managed.
As he came back into the room he smiled at me. A smile that told me that last
night had not been a dream.
"Good morning….Coffee will be ready in" soundly there was a sound and his grin
faded "Oh no! Not again" as he went back into the bathroom.
After some time I decided to go and help him. We might we well share the
disaster.
*~*~*~*
It was almost lunchtime when we finally arrived at the clinic. He was nervous
again and his back was hurting again. Not the best situation to be in. But hopefully
things would turn out better for him soon.
As they showed him around his new home for the next time. I spent the time
talking with his doctors. Giving them my number to call in any case. Telling them
about his injury. So that there might be a way to figure out getting him thought
this without too much pain.
And then the time of departure had come.
He stood in front of me as if everything he could think of wasn't what he wanted
to say. I had wanted to stay but he would be isolated for the next two month so
there was not much use.
"I will be at the airport when you come back."
"I know…thanks"
"Will you be okay?" I asked
"I am fine." He said it almost aside.
So like before he lied. But this time it was different. Because this time I could see
through it. I saw the way he looked at me.
I saw him.
"No you are not"
He looked at me shocked but quickly calmed down when I continued.
"But you will be Carter. You will be."
And with that I left him behind. Knowing that he know that he wasn't *left
behind*.
Not anymore and never again.
The END's
Okay…one words from the writer……I DID IT:::. ~happy Squeal~ I wrote in this
peace for some time. Started it yesterday and wrote the Slash Version. (8 pages
longer) today. Sitting myself on the terrace for better inspirational view. First of
all the trouble about not getting them together. Then the nightfall came and I had
to write with candles. Then it was getting cold and I was attacked by a big
something. (That was actually after I wrote about the giant wasp. Thanks I didn't
write anything worse)
But now it is finished.
Ready-----at almost 1:44 am
Hope you enjoy it. Would be happy about a review.
Tell me what I did right or wrong.
popular demand for me ;)
The Slash Version to the Gen I posted.
Title: The Day it fell apart
Author: Strange Music
Fandom: ER
Pairing: Benton/Carter (With help of nice feedback I finally
convinced them…And believe me it was more than just tough
work. Carter was somewhere else with his thoughts the whole
time and Benton was telling me that Carter wasn't ready for this.
But we found a compromise as I worked on Benton "Look how
good he feels in you arms" and Muse worked on Carter [And
frankly she had the tougher Job])
Rating: a very borderline PG 13 but no NC-17 me think…okay I
spell it out. And there is some making out.
Summary: Thought the episode there was one thing I recognized
the most. Carter is a terrible liar. Benton POV of some of the
events taking place on MayDay
Email: Strange_music@hotmail.com
Web Page: Pushed back even further because I don't know if I
will stay with the current one (Thank you SO much Homestead
for starting to charge you costumer!!)
Disclaimer: The characters and events taking place in this story
belong to they respective owner and not to me.
Warnings: Spoiler for the End of May Day
.:/Can you keep your head
.:/Your backbone or your heart
.:/You'll all find out the answer
.:/on the it fell apart
"The day it fell apart" by Leslie Fish
The Day it fell apart
By Strange Music
He is a terrible liar.
I have known that ever since I met him.
If not the worst liar that I ever known that at least a pretty close runner to it.
Ever since I started working with him I knew that I would always know the truth.
That I would always know everything I needed to know about him.
All that I would have to do was ask him.
And when he would answer I would know.
If he would answer truthfully I would know.
And if he would try and lie I would know too.
Cause I would be able to see when he would lie.
Because the things is that he just wasn't able to lie and would give himself away
whenever he tried to. Funnily he actually thought that he could lie. That his unsure
stutter his flickering guilty gaze and his wrenching hands wouldn't tip of even a
blind person.
So it wasn't a surprise when Abby knew that something had been going on when
she went back into the room.
So it wasn't a surprise when both Dr. Weaver and Mark could see it when he
denied it.
And it wasn't a surprise to me when I was able to see it on his face as he looked at
us. No matter the words I could see that it wasn't the truth.
All this wasn't a surprise.
The actually surprise was something else.
The realisation that as lousy liar as he was he still had us fooled ever since he
gotten back too work.
"I am fine"
How many times had he told us this bold lie into our faces and we had actually
believed it. How many times had he fooled us with it.
Or maybe that he hadn't fooled us at all.
Maybe just like now we would have seen it if only we would have looked.
And it actually hurt.
Despite my protest I had always believed him to be my friend. And in some
dreams I actually hoped him to be more someday but I knew that the time had not
yet come for that.
And I know that I wasn't the only friend he had among the staff. There were
Mark, Dr. Weaver, Deb, Dave, Abby and even Luka.
Yet all of us missed the signs.
Till it was too late.
Till he stood in front of us with eyes that spoke in disbelieve. With eyes that
shown in hurt. And I saw that he had stopped believing that we cared.
All he seemed to feel at this moment was cornered.
So why should he believe any of us when they said that they wanted only his best.
And that they were his friends.
They didn't understand that all those month weren't that easy to undo. That Carter
needed more that this ultimatum that they given him.
He needed someone to tell him.
And that was why I followed him out of the room and onto the street.
To talk with him. To show him that, when no one else , at least I still cared what
happened to him. Because I knew that without this we would loose him.
Without a doubt.
For certain.
*~*~*~*
I knew that I had won part of the battle when I closed my arms around him.
Holding him tight as he cried out the pain that must have been building since long.
I was whispering nonsense to him. Kissed his head as I held him even tighter. He
needed it.
It was his only chance.
The only he had left in his life.
After what felt like a long time he stopped crying.
But I didn't let go and neither did it feel like he wanted me too.
I once had been were he was. Looking at my life my medical degree as it I didn't
care. And I hadn't. After Gant had died it had been as of someone had pulled a
smokescreen over my mind. Knowing that it had been my fault I no longer cared
what happened to me. I almost destroyed myself back then. If there hadn't been
for two certain young man to pull my back I wouldn't have known as how I would
I have ended.
One of them was Reese.
And the other was Carter.
And now today I had to be the one. To pull *him* back from the abyss that he was
running straight into.
"Dr. Benton" at first I almost didn't hear his whisper. And he looked into my eyes
I took this as my clue to let him go. For a moment he couldn't meet my eyes. As if
he felt embarrassed about breaking down like this. "I am s…"
"Carter…if I say you are sorry. I swear to good I will kick your ass too Atlanta."
He ducked his head "I am…I mean…I...okay."
I ruffled his hair in affection. I liked the way it felt under my finger. So smooth
and soft. But I got my mind back to here and now.
"Then we better get to the airport and catch that plane of yours." In the corner of
my eyes I could see him look at me in surprise.
"You come to the airport with me?"
Actually that had been what I had planned. But when he looked at me I knew that
it wouldn't be enough. Not and for him and neither for me.
"Actually I am coming with you to Atlanta."
For a moment the look of affection was all too clear. So clear that I actually
thought to see felling of felt for him repeated.
But it darkened when apparently another thought came up. "You know. You don't
have to go with me. I will go to that Centre. You don't have to make sure that I
do."
I smiled.
"I am going with you because I can see that you need someone at your side."
"Bu…"
"Because I can see that you need a friend."
That shut him up for sure as I again saw a glimmer start in his eyes. But this time
was able to blink it away.
"Are you?"
"What?"
"My friend. I worked so hard for you to accept me as a friend. I can't believe that
you are now. Not after I screwed up so badly."
"Carter. I have been you friend for a long time. There just was never the right
moment to say it out loud. And I actually thought you knew."
"I didn't know. I only thought sometimes that I imagined it."
"No never."
*~*~*~*
We made it to the airport in silence.
The same as well for the time we spent there.
I was busy trying to arrange everything from getting his ticket to getting mine.
He was busy in his own world.
Standing at another counter to wait for being sent to another one. Bureaucracy
was so much fun.
Looking back I could see him slummed in the chair that he was sitting in.
Defeated.
I knew that he was worried. No matter what I said to him. But I knew that in time
things would be better. Now he needed some out time. Some time to think and
talk about it. He needed help. And I would make sure that he got it.
Right now as he was hurting and slowly starting to feel the signs of withdraw the
world tended to look darker then it was.
Making sure I kept the counter in my gaze as to see when the employee would
return with my card I went back to sit beside him.
He didn't see me right away. I doubted that he saw anything beside the film that
must run behind his eyes.
As I reached out softly to him and still he jumped slightly in his seat. I couldn't
help but see the sign of pain that crossed his face or the wince that he tried to
conceal.
And without thinking much I reached out and started to softly rub the place that I
knew was bothering him.
His first shock quickly disappearing into an expression of pleasure.
Still I left my hand there till his features relaxed and he turned to my and smiled.
"Thanks...You didn't have to."
"Oh yes I did"
Then the conversation was stopped by the appearance of the member of staff. And
if I didn't get hard of hearing on my not-yet-so-old age he actually sounded
disappointed when I left.
*~*~*~*
The flight wasn't long 3 hours.
But for me it seemed that it was a lot longer.
Especially when I looked over to Carter and saw his face get more and more tight
with the pain. Despite all other trouble there was now the narrow and hard seating
pressing into his back. Yet when I asked him if he wanted any slight painkillers he
had declined.
I wasn't sure if I should be relived or not.
Relived because I could see that he was doing his best to see it through.
Or not because I just hated to see him in pain.
He didn't look at me at all. Just starring out of the window. Caught in what ever
world he had stepped in.
And that when I stepped into my own.
You see I have been in love with him for some time. But fool that I am I didn't
want to accept it till he almost died. That was when I sat down and realised that I
might not be as straight as I thought I was.
I talked with Jackie. Hoping that she would tell me of and set my head literally
straight again. As she had so many time before. Yet she did none it. I had
forgotten how much she despised Cleo.
And how much she liked Carter.
I remember the first time the two of them had met. It was like she instantly
decided to adopt that 'nice young man'.
And for weeks I could listen to her preaching to me to 'Be nice to him' and 'treat
him kindly'
She didn't talk with me for a day when I replied that I was his teacher not his
mother.
Anyway it was after all this had started. After he had almost been killed by a
patient that I realised that I didn't want to loose him. And the reason why.
However the problem was not me. The problem was that he was straight. Or at
least so his numerous girlfriends told me.
I wasn't blond.
I wasn't white.
And most certainly I wasn't female.
I didn't have a chance.
Do I simply made the decision to stay away from him. At least till would have
gotten my feeling under control again.
It was a mistake.
Because he would have needed me close.
As a friend.
There is a saying that goes 'Friends are like parachutes. If they are not here when
you need them Chances are that you won't need them anytime soon.'
And that was what had happened.
Only that the realisation was too late now. He was already crashed to the harsh
floor of reality. He was already hurt. And I could only hope that he would heal
again.
Then just as I looked back into the book that I had picked up on the airport. I
caught a gaze of him.
A gaze that actually gave me a bit hope again.
*~*~*~*
We arrived at the airport at almost 1 o'clock. He was tired and so was I. So he
didn't argue when I told him that I would take us a hotel room and get some rest
before going into the clinic.
Or as he put it 'throw me in the lion's den.'
When we arrived in the room the relive as he sat on the bed told me everything
about whether or not this had been a good idea.
It had been a very long day for both of us. And we deserved the rest before this. I
could hardly believe that it had been less than 24 hours since the shooting at the
school.
I know I was right and so knew Kovac. At least medically.
Humanly I knew what Kovac had felt. He had seen to many people die of
senseless violence as to feel anything but anger about it. I don't think that he will
ever be able again to feel anything else.
With Reese in my life I knew how it must feel. How I would feel if something
happened to my son.
"Dr. Benton?"
Carter was standing in front of me and looking down at me worried. Seemed liked
I had been a bit of a zone-out.
"Yes Carter?"
"I just wanted to ask you if you needed the bathroom. Because I would really like
to get rid of the sweat"
"Won't stop you…go ahead."
He threw back a strange gaze at me.
And that was when I realised that I had stared at him the whole time.
*~*~*~*
He finished his shower and I stepped in after him.
I passed him a half of my sandwich and he said thank you. Actually he didn't even
say thank you. He just slightly smiled at me with a full mouth and mumbled
something.
Anyway in other words the rest of the remaining awaken was pretty much spent in
silent.
Till we both went to our respective beds.
*~*~*~*
I first didn't know what it was that had woken me up. Still too caught up in the
confusing dream I had. Something about giant wasp and collectors that didn't kill
even when they only needed the sting. All the while I was collecting something
myself while driving around in the car of the film 60 Sec.
But my attention was quickly caught when I heard what had woken me.
A shout coming from the other bed.
Pain swinging in it.
"NO!"
I closed my eyes with a sight. Because I knew what he must be dreaming about.
After all he had told Mark that he had still nightmares and trouble sleeping. I just
guess that till now I hadn't known just how strong they were.
"Please…NOO….NOT LUCY. It was my fault. I was the one that caught you
pain. She just did what I told her to do. Please NOO…..noooo"
His feet were tangled up at his feet and his whole body was drenched in sweat.
I know that you weren't supposed to wake up people from a nightmare But I
didn't think that he would object much.
So I stepped closer and shook his shoulder.
"Carter?…You have to wake up John."
And he did.
His eyes blinking open. Starring at me in such fear that I knew that it wasn't me
that he was seeing. Only slowly starting to recognise me. For the first moment he
said nothing. Just wrapping his hands around himself and shivered. Then he
looked at he and with a voice horse of the screaming said "I am sorry. I didn't
mean to wake you up."
I snorted. I had hardly thought that he had had this nightmare intentionally to
wake me up. But that was Carter. One of the most guiltable person I knew
I just rolled my eyes and choose not to comment on it.
"I am all right again you can go back to sleep."
But he didn't object when I took away his blanket and replaced it with my dry
one. As a matter of fact he also didn't object when I wrapped my arms around him
and lay down with him.
"Dr. Benton…I didn't knew"
"Shut up Carter and go back to sleep"
And he did.
Of course he didn't know. And much more he didn't know how close the words
said in fun hit home.
But I would never use a situation like this. Not when he was so vulnerable. This
was comfort.
If I wanted him any other way then only if he was in this bed knowing about it.
Expecting it.
Not holding onto his arms as if they were the protecting him.
*~*~*~*
The next thing I knew saw him looking at me with a hunger in his eyes that I had
never before seen directed at me.
His hands teasing my chest as slowly almost lazily drew his fingers over it. Then
with a smile a leaned forward and kissed me. So deeply that I felt like there was
no point where I could say for certain that he ended and I started.
I felt like moaning but I didn't have the breath.
He gave me time to breath but only to make it a gasp as he slowly pushed his hand
in my boxer shorts.
"Carter are …..Oh my god" he had tightened his hand slightly "Carter are you
sure about this."
The lower part of my brain told me that I was insane even thinking about asking.
But I had to make sure. He was too vulnerable easy to hurt.
And all this was too important to me as risk it.
He was too important to me.
He just smiled and kissed me again.
"How does it look like."
"It looks…." A sharp intake of breath as he slow but certain started to draw down
my shorts. And another as he made me feel that he wasn't wearing any himself
anymore as well.
Lying on me he moved slowly. As if drawing out the monition as long as possible.
"Carter..oh my god…." I moaned
And that was when I woke up.
*~*~*~*
Or better that was when I found myself looking into two very big eyes that looked
at me like I had just changed myself into a Goblin.
I felt the heat rush in my cheeks and actually had only one hope.
"Tell me I didn't talk in my sleep."
He didn't answer.
He didn't *have* to. I had seen stroke patients that had less colour that he had.
I moved away from him and sat up at the edge of the bed only kept from moving
away by his hand that reached out to me.
"Is this how you feel about me?"
I buried my head in my hands. For a few moments not knowing what to say.
"You don't have any reason to be afraid of me Carter. It is a dream" My dream.
I heard laughter and turned around.
"Dr. Benton. I am almost 30 years old. I am neither tender nor am I by the
statistics of my last medical a flower. I know how to defend myself." He sniggerd
and then moved closer till he sat at my side "I might not be great at taking care of
myself but I know defence. And I know for certain that you will never harm me."
"Thanks Carter" I didn't know why I was thanking him but I felt like it.
"Anytime...But that doesn't answer my question."
"You sure you really want to hear it?"
He smiled and nodded.
"This is how I feel about you"
"What about Cleo and all the others."
"Well Cleo is Cleo. The other are what they are. And you…are you"
"Diplomatically."
I turned and looked closer. "Does it bother you?"
"No..it just surprised me. 24 hours ago I didn't even think you were my friend
because you didn't let me close. And now I find out that there might have been a
reason for that. Actually.." I felt him lean at my shoulder "I might even say that I
like the thought. Just not now. Not when there is so much else that I have to
concentrate on."
He leaned over and kissed me on the lips.
Unlike the kiss in my dreams this was almost shy. "But it give me something I can
look forward too."
His hand guided me back onto the bed and like before he drew his hands around
him. Whispering something about sleeping better and then was gone quicker than
a light.
I felt myself follow him into the realms of dream. Still puzzled if that what
happened had been a dream as well.
Hoping that it hasn't been.
*~*~*~*
He was already up the next morning when I woke up. Standing in the bathroom
while trying to figure out the coffee-machine standing there.
Softly singing some song that I didn't recognise.
Finally he managed.
As he came back into the room he smiled at me. A smile that told me that last
night had not been a dream.
"Good morning….Coffee will be ready in" soundly there was a sound and his grin
faded "Oh no! Not again" as he went back into the bathroom.
After some time I decided to go and help him. We might we well share the
disaster.
*~*~*~*
It was almost lunchtime when we finally arrived at the clinic. He was nervous
again and his back was hurting again. Not the best situation to be in. But hopefully
things would turn out better for him soon.
As they showed him around his new home for the next time. I spent the time
talking with his doctors. Giving them my number to call in any case. Telling them
about his injury. So that there might be a way to figure out getting him thought
this without too much pain.
And then the time of departure had come.
He stood in front of me as if everything he could think of wasn't what he wanted
to say. I had wanted to stay but he would be isolated for the next two month so
there was not much use.
"I will be at the airport when you come back."
"I know…thanks"
"Will you be okay?" I asked
"I am fine." He said it almost aside.
So like before he lied. But this time it was different. Because this time I could see
through it. I saw the way he looked at me.
I saw him.
"No you are not"
He looked at me shocked but quickly calmed down when I continued.
"But you will be Carter. You will be."
And with that I left him behind. Knowing that he know that he wasn't *left
behind*.
Not anymore and never again.
The END's
Okay…one words from the writer……I DID IT:::. ~happy Squeal~ I wrote in this
peace for some time. Started it yesterday and wrote the Slash Version. (8 pages
longer) today. Sitting myself on the terrace for better inspirational view. First of
all the trouble about not getting them together. Then the nightfall came and I had
to write with candles. Then it was getting cold and I was attacked by a big
something. (That was actually after I wrote about the giant wasp. Thanks I didn't
write anything worse)
But now it is finished.
Ready-----at almost 1:44 am
Hope you enjoy it. Would be happy about a review.
Tell me what I did right or wrong.