Jameson: Lost in Sailor Moon
Jameson fell from the sky and landed with a plop in the landscaping in front of a house. She sat dazed for a moment while the leaves floated down around her head until she realized where she was. "Wow! This place looks like a cartoon!" The brunet picked pieces of bush out of her hair until a girl with long blonde hair came out of the house with her magic black cat. The girl had big blue eyes and poofy bangs with her hair pulled up into two odd-looking buns on top of her head. She shot her huge eyes around the yard.
"Who's there!? What was that!?"
Jameson waved to her from inside the bush. "Hi, could you give me a hand?"
"Ohmigosh!" The new girl nearly fainted with surprise at having a head and a pair of legs sticking out of her bushes, but regained her composure and headed over. "How'd you get yourself in there!?"
"Well, it's a funny story." Jameson began as the new girl took her hands and began to pull. "I just kinda fell from nowhere. I was lying on my bed, writing in my room and all of a sudden, plop, I was here." In moments, she was free from the clutches of the branches and stood in front of the blonde, ridding herself of bush remnants. After pulling a decent sized branch out of her back pocket, Jameson took a good look at the girl in front of her. "Hey! You're Sailor Moon!"
"Wha--?" The black cat jumped backwards, eyes wide, mouth gaping.
The blue eyes on the oversized face in front of her contracted in surprise. "What!? What, What, what do you mean!? What are you talking about?!"
"It is you!" Jameson cried in triumph. "Wow! I was just writing about you! Serena, right?"
"Who?" She asked.
Jameson closed her eyes, still grinning. "Oh, okay, Usagi then."
"How do you know my name?" Usagi asked, staring critically at her. "And how did you fall down like that? Have you been spying on me or something?"
"No, but I watch you all the time." Jameson answered, then realizing the alternate meanings to her words, she corrected herself. "I mean your show. I've got the whole Sailor Stars series subtitled at home!"
"What are you talking about!?!" Usagi looked utterly witless.
Jameson, however, was just grasping what had happened to her. "Am I dreaming? I'm in a cartoon, so this cant be real life. That is, unless I fell in through my notebook. Yes! That has to be it! I was writing a Sailor Moon fic just before I belly-flopped into suburbia!" She put a hand to her chin. "So, if I'm in a cartoon, then I can do whatever cartoon characters can do." Her eyes brightened with creative genius. "That means I can do whatever I want!"
Usagi tapped her foot. "Are you listening to me? I want to know what your deal is."
"My deal, huh?"
"Yeah, like how you know that I'm Sailor Moon."
The black cat, Luna, spoke up, shocked. "Usagi! Why'd you just admit it!?!?"
"Well she knows, doesn't she!?" Usagi defended, then turned back to Jameson. "And how'd you drop from the sky like that!?"
Jameson thought quick, trying to decide how she should answer. Polite? Honest? To the point? Shy? Her mind finally rested on 'Completely screw up the place'. "Well, Usagi, it's because..." She somehow managed to bring up a pink and white background as she held her hand in the air and announced. "I'm a Sailor Soldier!"
Luna's eyes widened. "You're WHAT!!?"
The pink background rolled up behind her. "You heard me! I'm SAILOR JAMESON! Protector of Students and Archenemy of Homework!" She grinned, giddily. She'd drawn herself as Sailor Jameson on her schoolwork tons of times and had the speech pre-rehearsed.
Usagi looked flabber-ghasted. And expression that required her being bent over all the way, with her eyes half closed and her mouth open lopsided. Her mouth was so open in this case that it was consuming the lower half of her face. It also required an awful lot of stuttering.
"Y-Y-Y-Y-You're w-wh-wh-wh-a-at?" Jameson reached out and patted her on the head. She scowled. "How can we trust you!? How do we know that you're really a Sailor Soldier!?"
"Because." Jameson said simply.
"Because why?"
"Just because."
Then deliverance arrived in the situation as Usagi's wristwatch began to bleep madly. Luna looked up and said. "Usagi! Your Communicator!"
Usagi flipped open her communicator wristwatch as Jameson watched and noted. "You know, it's too bad that your cat has to tell you what to do."
"I'll deal with you in a minute." Usagi hissed, then turned to the communicator where Sailor Mercury's head was framed. Jameson came up behind her and looked over her shoulder to see what was going on.
Sailor Mercury's voice sounded automated over the communicator. "Usagi! We need you down here at the school! The enemy has gotten another Pure Heart and we need your help!"
"Pure Hearts!?" Jameson exclaimed. "No wonder you don't know about the Stars series! You guys are still in S!"
"Usagi, who is that?"
"I'm not sure," Usagi admitted, her eyes sliding across her face to look at Jameson, who smiled. "I found her in my front yard."
"Well, get rid of her and hurry up!" Sailor Mars's voice snapped. The violet-eyed soldier was looking over Mercury's shoulder the same way Jameson was looking over Usagi's.
"Right, we're on our way." Usagi snapped the communicator shut and she and Luna took off. Jameson began running, too.
"Hey! I'm coming too!"
"No you're not!" Usagi called back.
"Oh yeah I am!" Jameson assured. "There's no way I'm missing this party!" The three of them ran out of the scene and suddenly came back in at Tenth Street Junior High. Jameson stopped and looked around at the four other Sailor Soldiers in front of them. Sailors Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, and Venus were standing there in front of a fearsome-looking youma. An unfortunate was sprawled out off to the side, and the youma had his pure heart crystal in hand. It took a couple seconds for Jameson's mind to adjust. "Whoa! I always thought you guys just ran everywhere, but wow!"
"Usagi!" Sailor Mars cried. "I thought I told you to lose her!"
"She followed me!" Usagi insisted.
"Come on, Usagi, just transform! We have a monster to beat!" Sailor Jupiter called.
"Right." Usagi took out her magic transforming brooch. "Moon Cosmic Power...Make Up!"
The background singers launched into their chorus of 'Sailor Moooooooooon' and Usagi began to transform. The background turned blue, green, yellow, and sparkly. Her skin did, too, and she stood in the middle of a revolving blue heart She'd just gotten started in her twirling when suddenly Jameson popped in. Usagi stopped mid-spin when she saw the girl appear from nowhere. "Hey! What are you doing!?!"
Jameson put a finger to her lip. "Uh....do you really have to do this again?"
Still blue and sparkly all over, Usagi's eyes widened. "WHAT!?!?"
Jameson shrugged. "It's just that you do this every episode. We saw it last episode, and the episode before that, and the episode before that. And you'll probably do it next episode, too, so can't you give us a break just this once?"
"But - I!" Usagi was now dumb-founded, which was very close to flabber-ghasted, except it involved less stuttering. "But you have to do this! You should know that, since you say that you're a Sailor Soldier!"
"Hey! Are you accusing me!?" Jameson cried. "If you think I'm lying, then I'll show you! I can do it just as good as you can!" Jameson reached out and forcefully shoved Usagi off stage. There was a crash and two sparkly blue feet fell into view. Jameson kicked them off and proceeded to make ready her performance. She looked at the backdrop with the revolving blue heart. "Where do they come up with this stuff?" With a leap up to the top of the screen, Jameson brought down a new backdrop over the old one. The new one had green and orange diagonal stripes, and big yellow smiley faces all over it. She then grabbed several buckets of bright yellow paint and dumped them over her head, creating a huge puddle at her feet. Thoroughly yellow, Jameson proceeded to spin in a circle, causing yellow drops of paint to fly in every direction, soiling the backdrop and anyone else in a ten-foot radius. Her spinning ultimately made her grossly dizzy, and she fell on her butt in the middle of the paint puddle. Yellow flew up and splashed in her eye. "Yow! Help! It burns!" She yelled, rubbing it.
"Some transformation." Mars said, cynically.
Jameson looked yellow with anger. "hey! Cut me some slack! I've got paint in my eye!"
"Stop horsing around and get the heck out of here!" Usagi cried from the floor, her bubbliness splattered with paint.
"Hey! I'm not done yet!" Jameson insisted. She shoved herself up from he ground, her feet sliding around beneath her, then jumped up again, grabbing another backdrop and pulling it down in front of her. This shad had a very large 'BANG' printed on it. The curtain rolled up and she was dressed in a purple and blue Sailor Soldier uniform, her hair matted and her outfit splattered with paint. "Pretty good, huh?"
Sailor Venus gaped. "She really is a Sailor Soldier!?!"
"Yep!" The yellow-splattered heroine grinned. "I'm Sailor Jameson! Writer of Wrongs and Enemy of Homework!"
A half-transformed Usagi stamped in, her hair arching up. "Fine Fine! Just get off my set!" Usagi shoved Sailor Jameson away, rolled up the smiley-face backdrop and signaled for the choir to resume their chorus of "Sailor Mooooooooon" When all was complete, six fully armed Sailor Soldiers faces the youma.
The feminine monster sat with her legs crossed, sipping coffee and reading a newspaper. Sailor Moon cleared her throat and the monster looked up. "Oh, I'm sorry, have you finished?"
"Yes." Sailor Moon answered.
The youma folded up her paper and grabbed the pure-heart crystal, making it look like she'd never moved from that position. "All right! Come and get me!"
Sailor Moon took out her magic wand/scepter "I'll get you!"
Then there was a man's voice. "Don't do that, Sailor Moon!"
Sailor Moon and Sailor Jameson both looked up and gasped. "Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" Then turned to each other and scowled.
Sailor Moon had bared her teeth. "How dare you stare at my Tuxedo Mask in that way!"
"Jameson returned it. "Oooh! I have stared at him so much worse than this!"
Sailor Moon's expression got more severe. "What was that!?"
A cleverly sly grin stretched across Jameson's face. "I'll show you." Then, turning to Tuxedo Mask, her face glowing and her eyes sparkling, she took off at a run and cried. "Mamo-CHAN!" Tuxedo Mask's eyes widened behind the lenses of his mask as she leaped toward him like a gazelle. Before he could do anything, she had her arms and legs wrapped around his chest in the fullest, tightest glomp he'd ever experienced. Everyone there, even the youma just stared. They had never seen a man wear a girl like a shirt before. Tuxedo Mask re-gathered his wits and spoke. "...uh...could you please let me go?"
"Oh! You're so sweet and polite!!!" Jameson crowed, looking up into his face. "That's what I love about you!" He blinked a couple times, and a drop of sweat rolled down his temple. Jameson frowned at him through his lenses. "But you know what I hate about you? I hate this stupid mask!" With one swipe, she snatched it off his stupefied face, leaving his blue eyes naked and confused. Jameson held it up by two fingers, disgusted. "It's so ugly! And it doesn't have any ear pieces or anything!" She held it up to her face. "How do you wear it without it falling off?" Then, removing it, she reached out and pulled over a paper shredder and turned it on. "Plus it covers your beautiful blue eyes!" She announced over the whirring of the blades. "I'm sorry, but it just has to go!" With that, she dropped the mask into the machine. The frame shredded nicely, but the blades had a time on the glass lenses. A nasty grating sound echoed out and made everyone cringe. But the lenses were finally shredded and a puff o fine glass dust exploded from the machine like a mushroom cloud. Tuxedo Maskless's jaw dropped.
When he finally found his voice again, it was a higher pitch than normal. "Wha-!?! Wha What was that for! Why did you do that!?"
"Stammering?" Sailor Jameson asked with a sideways glance of her enlarged green-brown eyes. "You must be flabber-ghasted. Usagi showed the same symptoms." She leaned back to get a better handy work, her legs still wrapped around his gut. She looked at his eyes and nodded. "Yes, that's much better." Then she caught sight of his oversized top hat. "Wait! Wait! One more thing!" She grabbed it off his head and jumped back down to the ground.
"What!?!" He reached out a hand to stop her, but could only watch helplessly as Jameson threw down the hat and proceeded to jump heartlessly upon it until it was thoroughly smashed. Then she pealed it off the ground it off the ground and returned it to Tuxedo Mask's outstretched hand.
"There you go, dear, you can go back to telling Sailor Moon what to do, now." She patted his wrist, then hopped up and gave him a peck on the cheek. He blushed, his eyes slitted at her, one twitching slightly.
Sailor Moon nearly exploded. Even as she stood there, her face was swelling. "MAMO-CHAN!!!"
"Usagi!!!" Mamoru said, waving his disheveled hat, which flopped around very much as an accordion would. "It's not me! I ware! I didn't do anything!"
Whether Sailor Moon believed him or not was in-evident, for before he could finish, she'd turned on Jameson. "What do you think you are DOING!?!?!"
Jameson shrugged innocently. "Flirting."
If someone walked in on the situation, at first glance, they would probably think that they were seeing two different animals. Jameson, looking calm and very pleased with herself, and Moon, who was so hot that she was steaming with the whites of her eyes stretching out across her face. Her face, itself, was the color of a boiled lobster and looked like it'd be delicious in a pan of melted butter.
"And what makes you think that you and flirt with MY Mamo-chan?" Lobster Face demanded.
"But how could I help it?" Jameson cried, taking a huge pinch out of Mamoru's cheek and shaking his face around. "He's just sooo cute!" Mamoru looked less then cute with all the flesh being yanked to one side of his face. One could see not only the veins on his right eye, but all the way back in his mouth to his molars.
"He's MY boyfriend! Only I can say he's cute!" Sailor Moon announced. She trotted over and took the other cheek, making poor Mamoru's face bow and look very much like a bullfrog.
"Uw...Gwirwls? Stwop! Pwease!" Mamoru was having a hard time talking with two girls on his face.
It was the youma's turn to clear her throat. "Um, excuse me!? Are you guys gonna fight me or not?"
"Of-Of course we are!" Mercury stammered. She got in position for her attack. "Shine, Aqua, ILLUSION!"
Jameson let go of Mamoru. "Great! I love this one!" Mercury shot a veil of freezing water out toward the monster and she froze solid. Jameson pranced over, took Mercury by the shoulders, and grinned. "I was so happy for you when you did that for the first time! I mean, your first power was practically useless! Bubble Spray! What's with that? I mean, it didn't do squat!"
Mercury blushed and cast her pale blue eyes down. "I always thought so, too."
"See!?!" Jameson cried. "Mercury lovers everywhere were cheering when you busted up a bad guy for the first time!" The youma broke free of the ice easily and turned to confront them again. Jameson scowled. "Aw, figures. I knew there was no way thirty minutes had passed yet."
"Do you want this or not!?!" The youma asked, holding up the pure heart crystal.
"Of course we do!" Sailor Venus answered. "We have to return it to that student."
"You mean unfortunate." Jameson corrected.
Venus looked over. "The WHAT?"
"Unfortunate." Jameson repeated. "the poor sap that either gets his pure heart, dream mirror, or star seed yanked out in every episode. Like the term? I made it up myself."
"No, I don't like it!" Jupiter cried. "How could you say that about an innocent person who was targeted by the enemy and died!?!"
Jameson shrugged and shook her finger. "That kid is just about as innocent as the half tuna they hang out the boats to catch sharks. He's just a cartoon character! He was invented solely to be killed! Tell me, have any of you ever seen him before?" The others on the lawn exchanged glances and shook their heads. "And will you ever see him again? No. That just proves that he's nothing but bait for this MotD, here." She motioned to the youma.
"MotD?" Artemis, the white cat asked.
"Yeah," Jameson explained again, "MotD, Monster of the Day. Like it? I didn't' make it up, though, I read it somewhere."
The MotD looked confused and gave each soldier a look of pure disbelief as she motioned to Sailor Jameson. "Who _is_ this!?!"
They all shrugged.
"Beats me."
"No clue"
"I dunno."
Jameson grinned,. The youma put her head in one hand and held out the pure heart crystal in the other. "Here, you guys can have it! I cant even think straight anymore."
"No you dont!" Suddenly, Sailor Uranus swung down from nowhere and booted the MotD in the side of the head. With an "Ooooh!" the monster was laid out on the ground in front of the new soldier, eyes swirling and missing a couple teeth. Neptune appeared beside her partner and took up the crystal, which had fallen on the ground.
Lobster Face lost her redness. "Its Uranus and Neptune!"
Jameson gave her the thumbs up. "Way to be observant!"
"That's right!" Sailor Uranus announced, ignoring Jameson and continuing with her traditional introduction. The violins started up. "Beckoned by a mission to save the world, and the billowing clouds of an innocent sky. The Soldier of Sky! Sailor Uranus!"
Neptune swung in. "Same here! Called by the changing of the tides! The Soldier of Embrace! Sailor Neptune!"
Jameson was practically hopping with joy. "Great! I love it!" She rushed out of the scene and leaned down over the orchestra pit, where a legion of violinists were playing the theme music. She tapped the conductor on the shoulder and the music stopped. Jameson waved. "No! Don't stop now! I just wanted to tell you that you're doing a great job! Keep it up! I really love this music! Can I have a copy?" The thoroughly confused conductor took his own sheet music from its stand and gave it to the sailor. Jameson took it and grinned. "Thanks! Keep up the good work!"
The violinists exchanged glances as she left, folding up the music and putting it in her subspace pocket. Everyone was staring at her back on set. She looked up, clueless as to why she was being stared at. "What?"
"What did you just do?" Neptune asked, frozen in her intro position.
"I just talked to the orchestra."
"Orchestra?" Uranus asked, cynically.
Jameson waved her hand to dismiss it. "Oh, its just my randomness, pay not attention to me!"
"Randomness!!!" Sailor Mars cried. "Where did she COME from!?!"
"Who cares where she came from," Jupiter said, "the point is, how do we get rid of her!?"
Sailors Neptune and Uranus had gotten back to work inspecting the pure heart crystal. Uranus shook her head. "No, its no the one."
Jameson's hand shot into the air. "Question!"
Neptune looked up. "What?"
Jameson seemed very pleased to have been called on. "Um, I just wanted to know...are you guys gay or what?"
The two of them looked like they'd been smacked in the face by a dead fish. Uranus recovered quickly, however and turned her astonishment to anger. "Grr...where do you get off asking a question like that!?!"
"Oh, its just that sometimes you are, sometimes you're not. I just wanted to make sure which way you were before I said anything upsetting to you." Jameson cocked her head innocently. Uranus got lost looking for words to rebound with, so the prior proceeded to answer her own question. "Ah, but then of course, if Moon is Usagi, then you two must be Haruka and Michiru, and that would make you gay."
There was a moment of very VERY awkward silence as everyone stared in shock and fury at Jameson. Sailor Moon pointed at the two Outer Soldiers. "Y-You're Haruka and Michiru!?!"
Neptune looked panicked, but stammered. "N-No! Of course not! Why would you think that!?!"
"But she said..."
"Do you mean to tell me that you trust her!?" Neptune cried, trying to re-gather herself.
"She was right about other stuff." Sailor Moon said. "Why wouldn't she be right about you too?"
"Because that's just silly!" Neptune insisted.
"Come on!" Jupiter called. "Are you or are you not Haruka and Michiru?"
Neptune glanced to Uranus who had the death glare set on Sailor Jameson, then answered. "We're, uh, I mean, uh...who?"
"Grrr..." Fire was blazing around Uranus. "You fatherless! Ugg! You pile of dung!!! Who are you!?!"
"I'm---" Jameson's pink background sprang up again. "Sailor JAMESON! Protector of students, and THOROUGHLY ENJOYING SCREWING UP THIS CARTOON!"
"Urgh!!!" Sailor Uranus snapped, her eyes turning fierce and her teeth bared. "I'll KILL you!!!" She lunged and grabbed Jameson at full speed, breaking a huge hole through the backdrop and landing on the ground just behind it.
"Uranus." Neptune called, weakly, but she knew that there was no stopping Haruka at this point. No one else tried to stop the brawl, either. Secretly, they were all hoping that Uranus was going to kill Jameson. Neptune tossed Sailor Moon the pure heart crystal. "You can have it back, we don't need it anymore."
"Okay." Sailor Moon said, catching it.
Jameson's voice was heard. "HHEELLPP!"
"DIE!" Uranus cried over her.
"HELP!"
"I'll kill you!"
"MAMO-CHAN!"
Mamoru looked over at the struggle and shook his head. "Stop, Uranus."
Uranus looked up. "Why should I listen to you!?"
"Because, she's just a kid." Mamoru said. "Plus we've got a monster to beat. Why don't you save it until after we're done here."
"All right." Sailor Uranus got up off of Jameson, who's limbs were stuck out in different directions. "But not because you told me too! And only if I can kill her again when the monster's gone."
Jameson twitched. "Thank you for stopping." The she hopped back up, good as new. "Man, I love cartoons! You can be mutilated one minute, and the next one, you're fine!"
The youma was up, too. "Now you're gonna get it! I even hand the thing over to you and you kill me! Well, I'll show you that I'm not a wimp! ARRGG!" With a shout, she brought two shoulder-mounted missile launchers up out of her burly shoulders.
"I'll kill you fast so I can kill that nuisance!" Uranus announced.
Jameson shook her head. "Why all the killing? Can we all just be friends?"
Uranus threw her fist into the air. "World, SHAKING!" A yellow planet ball swelled around her hand, and she pounded it into he ground. It raced along the concrete and hit the youma, launching a rather confusing attack sequence, in which the youma quaked and fell into a rift in the ground. She survived, however, and began to shoot missiles everywhere, blowing stuff up. Jameson came and tapped Uranus on the arm. The blonde looked down and Jameson said;
"Hey, I was wondering, if you are the Soldier of Sky, then why do you use the earth as your element? I mean, you should have something like wind as your element, right?"
Uranus's eyes went bloodshot at the sight of her. "Grrr..."
"YIPE!" Jameson squealed and hopped away.
The youma stopped firing. "Is that all you've got?"
"Oooo!Oooo!Oooo! My turn! My turn!" Jameson cried.
Mars looked to Mercury. "I can't wait to see this!"
Jameson stood in front of her pink background, which still had the huge hole in it for Uranus. She did three jumping jacks, then proceeded to say the magic words. "Power, Power Power, Power Power Power, POWER!" A large number of sparks flew and set the trees nearby on fire. Sailor Moon's hair caught fire, too, and she ran around in a circle. Then lightning bolts started to fly from Jameson and electrocuted everyone except the youma. A fountain of water swelled up to drench the girls and put out the fires, and then Jameson glowed brightly and exploded into a huge atomic mushroom cloud. Despite the spectacle her power made, it didn't even scrape the youma. Jameson rolled up the shade and a piece of it floated down. "Pretty cool power, huh?"
"No." Sailor Moon answered, wet and ashen. Her bangs were sticking to her face.
Jameson laughed. "Hah! It's a soggy Usagi!!!"
The youma broke into hilarious laughter. "HA! Soggy Usagi! Soggy Usagi! HAHahahahaha!"
"Hey! Stop laughing at me!" Sailor Moon cried.
"Shh! Moon!" Luna comanded. "Look!"
They youma was laughing so hard that she'd toppled over. She was laying, doubled up on the ground, clutching her sides. Laughing had arrested control of her mind and , in a couple minutes, she'd actually DIED of laughter. Once deceased, she turned into a toy tank, and a daimon pod came out and broke apart. Everyone stood, confused. All except Jameson, who put her hands on her hips. "Haah! I love my power!"
"I-I'm confused." Mamoru stammered. "I don't know what to say."
"Well, that's a first!" Jameson smiled, taking out a script, she walked over to Mamoru and gave it to him. "Here you go, Darien."
Mamoru took a look at the scrip and read the line as if it was written in very small, funky font. "I be-lieve in you - Sailor - Moon--"
"Very good." Jameson smiled.
"Hey!" Uranus seemed to have just gotten her wits back. "Monster's dead! I can get you , now!"
"Whoa!" Jameson too off when Uranus turned that glare on her again. "Time for me to split!" She paused just long enough to give Luna a magic wand and a talk pink hat. "Good Glinda. Don't get DiC dubbed! Bye!" With that, Sailor Jameson took off out of the campus with Uranus on her tail. She ran until she'd run clear out of her notebook and onto her bed. She found herself in the same position she'd been in while writing. he pencil was still laying on the page. "Huh," She said with a half grin. "The CD ran out."
Just then, a blonde head rose out of the notebook. It had flaming eyes and snarled.
"Whoa!" She force the notebook closed. Uranus's head smashed in nicely and Jameson put the pillow on top. "I think that's enough for Sailor Moon, tonight. Time to write something else. She jumped up, chose a different notebook and she changed the CD.
With a new CD and a new fanfic to work on...am I safe? Sailor Moon's secured for now, but check out other categories for my adventures as I analyze and massacre everything from movies to books! Keep your eyes open in your favorite areas! Who knows, I might be dropping in from the sky in a series near you!