Spoilers: Brother's Keeper, slight references to Impetus
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Is this really necessary? We all know who really
own them.
AN: This is slightly disjointed and confusing, especially
since I do not give any names. You should be able to figure out who is speaking
and who the speaker is speaking about. If not e-mail me and I'll tell you. R/R
I sat there
in the darkness staring at the spot where he had last sat. It was hard to believe that he was gone.
Again. I thought I was going to have a
second chance but it was gone before my brain could grasp what I had. I didn't even get to say goodbye. Two
chances and I still couldn't say goodbye.
The pain in my chest peaked and my throat tightened. I couldn't stop the
tears from leaking down my cheeks. Burying my face in my hands, I allowed
myself to sob. It was safe to grieve here while she was alone. While He wasn't
here.
The two men
in my life. The one I loved was dead.
The other…. the other was hard to explain. My days were spent taking
care of him and studying him. Sometimes I could see him and sometimes I
couldn't. A brief smile crosses my face at the ironic comment. I didn't mean it literally but it was true
that way too. He was an enigma. Sometimes I loved him for his friendship, his
understanding, and his unselfish personality. Other times I hated him for not
being the one I wanted, for not understanding, for not looking beyond
himself. I blamed him because the man I
loved was dead, twice, but I also couldn't blame him because I knew it wasn't
his fault. I never thought my life
would turn out so complicated.
I was young
and naïve when I met the first man. We were to stupid to know what we were
getting into but we were eager to get out into the world and start putting out
stamp on it. I loved him and he loved
me but we did not fit into either of our plans. We made a good team. We fit together in work the same way we fit
together in play. We could have done wonderful things together and been happy
until the end of our days but we were too blind to see this. Selfishly, we
wanted to make our own names known. We could share love but we could not share
recognition or fame. Ironically, alone we found neither. The government lured us in and we found
ourselves working in secrecy. I regretted not joining him but it was too late.
I had no way of contacting him. I only heard rumors of him through the grape
vine.
He had
followed in his uncle's shoes working for a project so secret that even the
power of gossip could not produce a peek.
I wonder now if he had been working on it all along. Perhaps he was groomed from very young to
take over the project. Now that I have the files on it I can see how it
stagnated during the time between his uncle's death and when he took over the
project. I think he was happy but I can not be sure. I never got a chance to
discuss the time with him. I was happy for a while after I graduated. I was a
little lonely but I was too busy to have a social life. My professional career
began a downward spiral after I dedicated my life to correcting a mistake that
ruined a woman's life. She became my
life's work in a way. He realized his
dream first but his achievement was not without black spots.
He died
before the test subject could be returned to his normal state. I didn't find
out about it until after the funeral.
His boss came to see me one day in my lab. He told me that he was dead
and he would like for me to continue his work.
When I had composed myself, I told the man yes. It was the only thing
left of him and I could not say know. So as the first man left my life the
second one entered it. I didn't know that the test subject was his brother. I
didn't know how much he would be like him yet forever the opposite. My kept talked about his brother often once
he began to confide in me. Listening to his anger and his loneliness and his
anguish was heartbreaking especially when I was forbidden to share my past. I
could not even tell him my name in case his brother had ever mentioned me. I
understood what he was going to but he didn't know that. It is wrong of me but
I get angry with him sometimes for not knowing.
I wasn't
allowed to grieve the first time he died. I had to weep at home where no one
could see me. I paid clandestine visits to the grave careful not to get caught.
It will be the same this time. I don't know if I can go through it again alone.
God, I wish I had gotten to say goodbye. He gave me a clue before he did it and
I was too stupid to notice. 'Gene Therapy.' Why did he have to decide that removing
his genes from his brother's head was the solution? Why couldn't he let me say
goodbye? How am I supposed to maintain a professional relationship with the
other one after the things I did to his body? I'm glad I got to see him again
even if it just left me wanting but I didn't know it was going to be so hard.
I'm crying again and it's almost morning. I've spent the whole night sitting in
here in this lab. I need to get to the
Keep. I brush the tears from my cheeks and stand up stiffly. I might as well get
to work. I'll need the time to get myself composed and I have to be composed.
He'll be in this morning.
The time
passes faster than I expected. Work is almost normal. Consumed in my tasks, I
didn't think of either of them for almost two hours. I feel both relieved that
I can do that and guilty that I did. It feels like I betrayed one of them and
for the moment I can't figure out which one. Before I can bury myself again,
the door opens and he walks in. My mouth opens to call his name and I remember that
he is only the other one now. Or maybe now that he's dead again he will become
the other one and his brother will just be he. Thinking thoughts like this it's
a wonder my head doesn't explode. I gather my needle and counteragent turning
back to the now occupied chair. I meet his eyes searching for something I don't
know. They say the eyes are the window to the soul. I realize what I am looking
for now or rather whom. It's not the redness or the silver…it's him. He's not there. He's gone. He's really truly
gone. The only soul I see is not the soul I want. The shame I feel for thinking
that mingles with the pain of his absence.
Blinking, tears from my eyes I occupy myself with injecting the blue
liquid into his vein. I don't speak to
him. I can't speak to him. I pray he doesn't speak to me. I turn my back to
discourage him. He doesn't speak.
I can't stifle the sigh of relief
as he gets out of the chair. I hope he didn't hear it. If he did, he didn't
react. I watch his back as the door slides behind him. I sink to the floor
overwhelmed. He's not him. He's gone. I'm alone. I manage a single whisper
through the fresh wave of tears.
"Goodbye."
