Maluccieca's
Notes: As I apparently do not own BBMak, I have to own up and say that they
tragically aren't mine. At least, not yet.
Boogie
Nights: Day Four
SCENE:
Hotel lounge, the next morning.
DAVE:
Good morning, everyone!
DEB:
I'm rooming with you . . . how can I possibly have a good morning?
DAVE:
That's a nice blouse, Abby; did you get it at Goodwill?
LUKA:
You can stop being nice now, Dave. We're not going to the whorehouse.
DAVE:
Damn.
ROMANO:
(wistful) Well, you can't say the asshole didn't try.
PETER:
So where are we going?
MARK:
(anxiously) Nowhere with dingoes, I hope.
PETER:
(indignantly) I like dingoes! OW!
LUKA:
No, we're not going to the casino today.
ABBY:
Wow, I can gamble away all the cash that I don't have.
JOHN
enters the lounge.
JOHN:
Good morning!
CLEO:
Did you enjoy your room?
JOHN:
Oh, yes. Luka, I can't thank you enough.
LUKA:
Don't thank me. All the credit goes to Maluccieca.
ELIZABETH:
Where are Kovacsgirl and Maluccieca, anyway?
KERRY:
Weren't they supposed to be here like fifteen minutes ago?
LUKA:
(worried) I wonder what could possibly be detaining them . . .
SCENE:
Kovacsgirl's hotel room. She is typing frantically.
KOVACSGIRL:
Finally! My new CSI fic is all done!
She
sits back.
KOVACSGIRL:
Hey! It's freezing, why are the windows open?
She
goes over to close the windows, and something flies in.
CENSOR
MONKEY 1: Spoiler detected!
KOVACSGIRL:
What! You're winged monkeys?!
CENSOR
MONKEY 1: For now, since Maluccieca's the one responsible. Take it up with her.
KOVACSGIRL:
But you're in my ER stories, and I just finished a CSI one. With NO spoilers,
may I add.
CENSOR
MONKEY 1: Well, it was in "Boogie Nights: Day Three" . . . Dave referred to Dr.
Finch as "HIV woman".
KOVACSGIRL:
So?
CENSOR
MONKEY 1: So she's not HIV woman until Elizabeth has her baby.
KOVACSGIRL:
Gee, you just fly into my window at 7 in the morning to tell me that?
CENSOR
MONKEY 1: Pretty much so.
KOVACSGIRL:
Then what about Maluccieca?
SCENE:
Meanwhile, at the CG people's hotel, but in another room belonging to a
BBMakster . . .
CHRISTIAN:
Hey, take a look at that! What the hell is that coming up to the window?
STE:
Maybe if we got Mark to play his bagpipes, it'd go away.
CHRISTIAN:
No, it'd definitely go away if we got Mark to sing. (to "that") Who are you?
CENSOR
MONKEY 2: I'm looking for Maluccieca.
STE:
Malu-WHO? . . . Oh, do you mean ----?
CENSOR
MONKEY 2: Probably. (checks a piece of paper) According to the fic, if she's
not in her room, she said she'd be here, and that was all we needed to know.
STE:
That IS all you need to know, man. (grimaces)
Enter
MALUCCIECA and MARK.
MALUCCIECA:
Oh, no. What'd I do?
MARK:
You KNOW this funky monkey?
CENSOR
MONKEY 2: You KNOW this chunky monkey?
MARK:
Hey!
CENSOR
MONKEY 2: Anyway, you have a spoiler.
MALUCCIECA:
Let's get technical at 7 in the morning.
CENSOR
MONKEY 2: You told Dave to watch it because he went to Mark's wedding with two
dates in "Boogie Nights, Day Three".
MALUCCIECA:
Oh, PUH-LEESE.
CENSOR
MONKEY 2: The baby hasn't come, and he's not married yet, so until that happens
–
MALUCCIECA:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, no more spoilers . . . bye guys, catch you later.
CENSOR
MONKEY 2 and MALUCCIECA exit.
MARK:
(sputtering) I'm getting married? What?
SCENE:
Random street, County General people are walking.
DAVE:
Hey, Abby.
ABBY:
What?
DAVE:
Don't look now, but I could have sworn that I saw your mother like two seconds
ago.
ABBY:
AAAARGH! HIDE ME, SOMEONE, PLEASE!
DAVE:
Just kidding.
ABBY:
Why, you . . .
ELIZABETH:
I thought this casino was walking distance.
LUKA:
It is.
ELIZABETH:
For a pregnant woman?
ROMANO:
Lizzy, would you like me to call you a cab?
MARK:
No, but she would like you to disappear.
ROMANO:
Is your name Lizzy?
MARK:
No, but I think I spoke for everyone when I said that.
ELIZABETH:
Oh! I feel dizzy! Everything's spinning!
MARK:
Quick! We need to get her to a hospital!
ELIZABETH:
Just kidding!
DEB:
Isn't it this casino?
LUKA:
No, I'm sure it's that one. (points)
DEB:
No, I'm pretty sure it's this one . . . see the sign?
SIGN:
Chico DeMille Publishing, Inc. and Prozac welcome Cook County General!
ABBY:
What?
JOHN:
Oh, you know, the companies that sponsored our trip.
KOVACSGIRL
and MALUCCIECA are running towards them, and skid to a halt like Garfield (or
Dave!) does when he sees food.
KOVACSGIRL
& MALUCCIECA: *Pant, pant*
KERRY:
It's about time.
KOVACSGIRL:
(sarcastically) We – (pant) – just – (pant) – decided to make a grand
appearance, that's all.
MALUCCIECA:
*Pant, pant*
JOHN:
Geez, even I could make a better excuse.
KERRY:
Drugs don't count.
PETER:
Dude, you can quit drugs. It's really simple.
JOHN:
Really?
PETER:
Yeah. Just say no.
JOHN:
Oh. But you're not the Surgeon General.
PETER:
I am now.
LUKA:
(crosses arms and 'hems' at the authors) What REALLY happened? Busy again, I
suppose?
KOVACSGIRL:
I wasn't!
MALUCCIECA:
*Pant, pant*
MARK:
Oh, God.
MALUCCIECA:
(whistles with all the breath she has left)
DAVE:
You dirty little whore!
MALUCCIECA:
I'm not dirty, I'm not little, and I'm not a whore!!!!!
DEB:
Ha.
MALUCCIECA:
Two words: Censor Monkeys.
KOVACSGIRL:
So you'd better make an apology now.
EVERYONE
ELSE: SORRY!
KOVACSGIRL:
Okay. Now – (pulls M-CIECA aside) – we're not exactly allowed in here.
MALUCCIECA:
What do you mean? You practically sponsored the trip, how could they not let
you in?
KOVACSGIRL:
Good point.
Everyone
enters the casino.
LUKA:
I'm in heaven! . . . Wait, no, not till I get to Graceland!
ABBY:
I've never seen so much money!
ROMANO:
Tumor Boy!
MARK:
What?
ROMANO:
Oh, you suck, you answered to it.
MARK:
GRRRRR!
ROMANO:
I challenge you now . . . whoever has the most money when we leave marries
Lizzy.
ELIZABETH:
That's a good idea.
MARK:
Hold on, you'd have to marry me anyway.
ELIZABETH:
Oh, right. Our child wouldn't be legitimate now, would it?
ROMANO:
What the hell, I still challenge you!
MARK:
You're on!
A guy
with a messenger bag walks up to JOHN.
GUY:
PSSST. (whispers loudly) I've got THE STUFF.
JOHN:
Oh, here, let me pay you. (reaches into pockets) Here you go, and here you go.
Thanks
for
hooking me up, Jim.
JIMMY:
(looks at money) Thanks for the two hundred dollar tip.
JOHN:
Hey, hey, hey, give that back.
JIMMY:
(sighs) Dammit.
KOVACSGIRL:
(thunders) YOU!
JIMMY:
(turns pale) Uh-oh . . .
MALUCCIECA:
(thundering louder) YOU!
JIMMY:
(turns even paler) BIG UH-OH . . .
KOVACSGIRL:
HOW DARE YOU DISTRIBUTE DRUGS IN MY CASINO! ESPECIALLY TO HIM!
JIMMY:
I couldn't make the transaction in Chicago, it would've been too obvious.
MALUCCIECA:
"Transaction", huh? Jimmy, what the HELL are you doing here!?!?
JIMMY:
Uh . . . I don't know. I suddenly appeared.
KOVACSGIRL:
How do you know this drug dealer?
JOHN:
How do you know my drug dealer?
MALUCCIECA:
Long story. I'm not going to incriminate myself, so I won't talk about it.
Jimmy, since I'm nice and won't call the police, I'll give you approximately
ten seconds to get your sorry ass out of here, starting now.
JIMMY:
But, ----, I just fucking appeared!
MALUCCIECA:
So disappear!
JIMMY:
Fine. I'll see you when you get back.
MALUCCIECA:
Whatever.
JIMMY
gets his sorry ass out of the casino.
KOVACSGIRL:
(to JOHN) Hand them over. NOW.
JOHN:
(whimpers) Awww, do I have to?
KOVACSGIRL:
Do you want to get evicted from the premises?
JOHN
sighs and turns over his "stuff" to KOVACSGIRL, who throws it in a dumpster
nearby.
KOVACSGIRL:
Don't let me hear that you've been wallowing in that dumpster. Understand?
JOHN:
(sad) Okay.
KOVACSGIRL:
Good.
DAVE:
I wish I had more money...
DEB:
You walked in here with 300 bucks!
DAVE:
I gambled it all away on Russian Roulette
KOVACSGIRL:
I wrote a fic titled that.
JOHN:
Yeah, about Moi!
MALUCCIECA:
Great. Not this argument again.
LUKA:
Well La-De-Da.
JOHN:
And NOT about you
LUKA:
Well she's in the middle of writing a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG fic about moi.
JOHN:
Is that true.
KOVACSGIRL:
Only slightly. I'm going to screw that one soon.
JOHN:
HA!
KOVACSGIRL
(pounding on her laptop): I wonder if I can get backwards "R's" on this
thingie...
CLEO:
Ah, ye of little attention.
DAVE
and KOVACSGIRL: What?
DAVE:
Oh, look! Three dollars!
DEB: Great.
JOHN:
Maybe if I can win lots of money.
KOVACSGIRL
and MALUCCIECA: Don't even think about it.
CLEO:
Yeah white boy! You have loads of dinero.
MARK:
Hey, I'm the one who's supposed to talk in Spanish.
ROMANO:
Where's Translator Bambi?
ELIZABETH:
Robert!
KERRY:
Yeah!
PETER:
Nasty!
A
nearby casino machine rings.
ROMANO:
I'm rich!
MARK:
What the hell?
ELIZABETH:
Oh, Robert! I really do love you more! Kiss me!
ROMANO:
Okay!
ELIZABETH:
I'm sorry I called you a horrid little turd.
ROMANO:
That's ok--- WHAT?!?!
ELIZABETH:
Heh, Heh.
DAVE:
Let's go get dinner.
SCENE:
A nice Italian Restaurant.
DAVE:
Now this is my kind of place!
KERRY:
Why?
DAVE:
I'm part Italian, ya know.
JOHN
(wearing a new, expensive shirt): Heh, Heh. With that meddlesome Kovacsgirl
gone, I'm free to get a high as I want!
MARK
(depressed): Yeah *Sob* where is she?
LUKA:
Oh no...
DAVE:
And Maluccieca?
KERRY:
Do you know what that means?
EVERYONE
ELSE: Not exactly...
KERRY:
We can do whatever we want!!!
MARK:
No wonder you're the head of the ER!
KERRY:
Why?
MARK:
You're smart!
KERRY:
I guess I am!
CLEO:
So, how are we going to mess this fic up?
JOHN:
I'll buy drugs!
EVERYONE:
DUH!!!!
DAVE:
I'll eat until...no! I'll break into the kitchen!
ROMANO:
I'll become a hunter from Kenya and trap the flying Censor Monkeys.
ELIZABETH:
Oh! I love the Kenyan Hunter types!
DEB:
I'll be the evil witch from The Wizard of Oz!
CLEO:
And that would be a difference how?
DEB:
OW!
ABBY:
Good one Cleo
They
high-five each other.
KERRY:
I think I'll invite Kim over, if that's okay Luka.
LUKA:
Of course! The more the merrier!
ROMANO:
'Er Little Monkeys!
ELIZABETH:
Robert! You're British accent it better than mine!
ROBERT:
Got'em!
DEB
(In Witch outfit): I'll get you my pretty...and your little dog too!
JOHN:
Why is the sky floating?
MARK:
Did you ever wonder why "monkeys" is spelled M-O-N-K-E-Y-S instead of
M-O-N-K-E-I-E-S?
DAVE:
Yeah! I'm going to go raid the kitchen.
ABBY:
Where's Kerry?
LUKA:
Abby, you don't want to know.
ABBY:
Oh.
DAVE:
FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD!!!!!!!!!!
COOKIE:
Get out of my kitchen!!!
DAVE:
FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD!!!!!
DEB:
Fly My Pretties!
JOHN
passes out.
LUKA:
CRAP! CARTER'S OUT!
ROMANO:
Call the Paramedics!
ELIZABETH:
Yeah!
MARK:
We ARE the Paramedics!
EVERYONE
ELSE: HELP!!!
KOVACSGIRL:
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!?! THE FIC JUST GETS WEIRDER AND WEIRDER!
MONKEY
IN BLACK 1: I think you need our help ma'am.
KOVACSGIRL:
Who the hell are you?
MONKEY
IN BALCK 2: We're the MONKEYS IN BLACK!
KOVACSGIRL:
????
MONKEY
IN BLACK 1: We can erase all their memories of this dinner and get them back to
normal.
KOVACSGIRL:
There's a NORMAL in this fic?
MONKEY
IN BLACK 2: You know what we mean.
KOVACSGIRL:
Fine. Just get me out of this chaos!
MONKEY
IN BLACK 1: Stand Back!
MEMORY
ERASING BANANA: ZAP!!!
DAVE:
Where are we?
MARK:
I don't know...
KOVACSGIRL:
Whew!
DAVE:
Can we go to a whorehouse?
KOVACSGIRL:
NOT AGAIN!!!!