Title: All of You
Series: Musical Inspiration
Author: Melissa
Email: princessbuffy79@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: Let's see. Buffy, check. Song, check. Neither one is mine. Buffy and everything else belong to others. BTVS is Joss's baby and the song, "All or Nothing" is by O-Town. The idea for the fic wasn't even mine, it was C-man's.
Summary: Response to challenge (yes, I got the oh-so-subtle hint) by C-man. Xander gives Buffy an ultimatum.
Spoilers: AU mid season 4. Spoilers will only be correct up to Grad Day.
Feedback: Yes please.
Challenge requirements:
-Set in mid-season 4, while Buffy was still dealing with Angel-missage.
-Buffy and Xander have been dating for a couple of months.
-Xander gives Buffy the ultimatum: All or Nothing
Xander pulled Buffy closer to him as the music played. He glanced around at the others on the dance floor and sighed. They all looked so happy. Xander supposed he should be just like them, happy because he finally got the girl of his dreams. But he wasn't. And he didn't know if he ever could be.
Buffy wrapped her arms tighter around her…she wasn't sure what she should call Xander now. Boyfriend? That just seemed too weird. And too soon. Angel only left her a few months ago. She couldn't be moving on so soon, could she? But what is it exactly that she has with Xander. He's still her best friend. But now…he's something more. She couldn't put her finger on it exactly, it was just a feeling deep inside her. A feeling that being with Xander was somehow right. It didn't keep her from feeling guilty about Angel, though.
Buffy felt Xander sigh and matched it with one of her own. Thinking of Angel always left her feeling a bit empty. It was hard not to. She had loved him. He had been her first love and he left her. Just like her father did. Buffy winced as the deep wounds male rejection had left behind were reopened.
*~*I know when he's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you'd realize
It's over, over
It's not the way I choose to live
And something somewhere's got to give
As sharing this relationship gets older, older*~*
Xander caught a glimpse of Buffy's face and felt his heart fall. She was thinking about *him * again. Angel. The vampire with a soul always had a hold on the Slayer's fault. Xander struggled to contain the anger that welled up inside of him. Even apart Angel ruled Buffy's heart. Xander never had a chance.
"Buffy," Xander looked down at the petite girl wrapped in his arms.
"Yeah?" Buffy replied, staring at Xander's face.
"We need to talk…"
Buffy noticed the fleeting hurt expression that crossed Xander's normally happy features. She could tell something was bothering him. "What's wrong, Xander? Is it Willow?"
Xander could only shake his head. "Can we talk about this outside, please?"
The warning bells in Buffy's head went off. Something was way off here. This couldn't be about them, though…could it? Wordlessly, Buffy offered her hand to Xander. He accepted it and together, they made their way to the exit.
~*~ You know I'd fight for you
But how I can fight someone who isn't even there
I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you
I don't care if that's not fair~*~
Xander led Buffy to a bench on the sidewalk across the street. He glanced around, making sure no one else was around. Deciding the coast was clear, Xander reached into his pocket and produced a small cell phone. He handed it over to Buffy, never saying a word.
Buffy accepted the phone with a curious glance. What was going on here? "Xander?" she asked, not sure if she really wanted to know what was going on in his mind.
"Buffy, I've been waiting patiently for you," Xander began. He held up his hand, signaling for her to remain silent. "Look, I've got to say this, so don't talk right now."
Buffy nodded her head, remaining silent. Her eyes never left his face, now deeply etched with the pain of some inner struggle he was going through.
"Buff," he began again, taking a deep breath. He sat down on the bench and stared at the ground, unable to look at her. "I have loved you from the moment I saw you. The more we got to know each other, the more I loved you. You are my best friend, my confidant. You're my hero and my protector. But I want more." Xander looked up and looked her in the eyes. "I want all of you."
Buffy was confused. "What do you mean, 'all of me?' You have me."
Xander offered her a wry grin before turning away once more. He kicked at the ground with the toe of his shoe, obviously unsure of what to say next. "You know, I do have you now. I can say you finally belong to me. But that isn't true."
"No," Buffy agreed. "It's not." Xander shot her an angry glance before finding something extremely interesting about a pebble on the ground. "Xander, I don't belong to anyone. I am my own person. But I'm with you. I've given you a part of myself."
Xander shook his head. "No, Buffy, you haven't. You gave a part of yourself to Angel and he still has it."
Buffy glared at Xander. "So that's what this is all about? Angel? I thought I told you I was over him!"
Xander returned her heated gaze. "Yes!" his voice was thick with emotion. "You told me you were over him! But you're not, Buffy! He's still here. You know, things were easier back in high school. At least then, I could fight him face-to-face. I'm still fighting him, only now it's the idea of him! Buffy, I can't do this anymore!"
"Xander, Angel is my past," Buffy's voice was low. She struggled to hold her emotions in check. "I loved Angel but he's gone. He left and I've moved on. I finally realized what you mean to me. I…I really like you. So what's the problem here?"
"You like me?" Xander asked. "Buff, that's great and all. But I want more. I need more."
"What else can I give you?"
"I want all of you."
~*~ Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Is it all
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all~*~
"You keep saying that, but I don't understand you, Xander," Buffy stared at the dark-haired man before her. "Help me understand."
"You see that phone," Xander pointed at the forgotten object in the Slayer's hand. She looked down at it, then glanced at him, confusion in her eyes. "Buffy, I can't look at you when you make your decision. That phone is so you can call me."
"What decision, Xander?"
"Buffy, I can't live in Angel's shadow. I don't want to," Xander's voice wobbled. "They say that vampire's cast no reflection, but that's a lie. I can see Angel's reflection in your eyes. He's still there, Buffy. He's under your skin so deep, I don't know if anyone can dig him up. I've tried, Buffy, but I can't do it. Only you."
"Xander," Buffy pleaded. "You're not making any sense. Please…"
Xander sighed and stood up. Pacing back and forth, he tried to gather his thoughts. He wasn't sure how to explain the whirlwind of emotions that had taken up residence in his heart and mind, but he needed to try. Stopping suddenly, he turned to the blond. "I love you, Buffy. I always have. When I think of the future, you are the only thing I see. I honestly don't know what I would do without you," Xander admitted. "When you asked me out that night, I thought I had fallen asleep. Cuz you only did that in my dreams. But then you reached over and hit me…"
"That was an accident," Buffy interrupted.
"Can I finish?" Xander snapped. Noticing her hurt expression, he added softly, "Please?"
Buffy nodded and sniffled. Xander was scaring her. She had never seen him act this serious before. Buffy knew she could lose Xander here and now and that scared her even more.
~*~There are times it seems to me
I'm sharing you with memories
I feel it in my heart
But I don't show it, show it
And then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you can see
Those times I don't believe it's right
I know it, know it~*~
"What I was trying to say is that moment was the greatest moment of my life," Xander sighed before continuing. "You gave me my chance. And we've had fun these past few months, haven't we?" Noting Buffy's nod, he moved on. "Buffy, no matter how much fun we've had, I catch you. I see you get all sad when you see a book Angel read. Or when you hear a song that he liked. Buff, I'm fighting the memories here. I wish to god I weren't, but I am. I should play a bigger part in those memories, but I don't."
"Xander, you have played a huge role in my life," Buffy argued. "You're my best friend. And these past few months have been great…"
This time, Xander interrupted. "I'm not denying that, Buffy." Xander reached down and ran his hand along her cheek. "But it has been almost a year since he left. Putting it bluntly, 'get over it.'"
Buffy stared at him in shock. "Has it really been a year?"
Xander was amazed at what she chose to hear. "Yeah, Buffy, it's been a year. And you still act like it was yesterday."
"I do not," Buffy attempted to defend herself.
"Yes," Xander stated. "You do."
"Then this is…?" Buffy asked, indicating the cell phone she was holding.
~*~ Don't make me promises
Baby you never did know how to keep them well
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
It's time for show and tell~*~
< Damn, this is hard> Xander shifted uncomfortably. "I'm giving you an ultimatum."
"A what?"
"An ultimatum," Xander repeated. "Buffy, I don't want to lose you. I can't imagine my future without you in it. But I can't live like this. I don't want to worry every day that Angel is going to come back and you'll go running back to him. I can't lose you. But I can let you go. Now, not later. It's all up to you."
"Xander, I'm not going to go running…"
Xander held up his hand. "Buffy, just stop. Don't make me any promises. I don't want to hear them. They're just words."
"Then how?" Buffy asked.
Xander just shook his head. "Buffy, I'm going to start walking. If you can't find a way, then I want you to call me on that."
Buffy glanced at the phone. "Why would I call you?"
"To say good-bye."
The Slayer sat in shock. "Good-bye?"
"Yeah," the boy replied. Xander felt numb, from his head to his toes. But this wasn't over yet. The hardest part was still to come. "I'm gonna leave. If you call me, I want you to say good-bye. Then I'm going to go home, pack my things, and leave town."
"Why?"
"Because if I can't have all of you, I don't want any of you at all."
"So, it's all of me or nothing at all?" Buffy struggled to understand. < How did things get so out of hand so quickly? >
Xander leaned in and brushed his lips against hers, relishing the taste of her, afraid it would be his last. "All or nothing," he whispered into her ear. Then he turned and began to walk away.
~*~Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Is it all
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all~*~
Buffy watched Xander's back as he walked further and further away. With each step he took, she lost a piece of her soul. She knew if she didn't think fast, she would lose Xander forever.
~*~ Cause you and I
Could lose it all if you've got no more room
No room inside for me in your life
Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
It's now or never~*~
Xander heard the phone clatter against the pavement. His heart leapt into his throat with hope, but he angrily pushed it away. < She probably just dropped it > Xander used his sleeve to wipe at the infuriating tears that were beginning to form. He took a deep breath and forced his feet to keep moving, taking him further and further away from the woman he loved.
Buffy sped through the night. She ran faster than she had ever run before, taking only moments to catch up to Xander. "Xander!" she cried.
Hearing his name, Xander twisted around, only to find the Slayer flying in his direction. Unable to withstand her forward momentum, they both crashed to the ground in a tangle of limbs. Xander lay on the ground, stunned from the sudden impact. Then slowly, he extracted his body from hers, pulling them both into sitting positions. Xander stared at the girl sitting before him, disheveled from her fall. "I thought I told you to…"
"Screw the phone!" Buffy interrupted angrily. She sighed and took a deep breath, struggling to remain calm. "Screw the phone," she repeated, this time quieter. Xander raised an eyebrow but remained silent, hoping she would continue.
Buffy stared at the ground, trying to find the right words. Finally, she looked at her companion. "I loved Angel." The Slayer noticed the flicker of pain her declaration caused and wished she could wipe it away. "But notice I said 'loved.' Loved, as in past tense. Xander, I loved Angel, but now I've moved on."
Xander's heart soared upon hearing those words, but he forced himself back to earth, trying to prevent the smidgen of hope that entered his mind.
Buffy continued. "I've moved on and lately, I've been very happy. So happy, it just seems wrong."
"Why?"
"Because I've never been happy before? Not truly. My relationship with Angel was bittersweet. Sure, it had its good moments, but it was laced with so much pain. More than any person should have to endure. Xander, Angel has to live with that pain each day."
"I know, but…" Xander began before Buffy cut him off.
"Shut up," Buffy smiled, easing the sting of her interruption. "Every time I think of Angel, I'm reminded that he has to live with the pain every day. I feel guilty that I am so happy. That guilt is lessening each day, but it's still there. How can I be so happy when he can't be?"
"Buffy, I…"
"I know, Xander. You don't like Angel," Buffy sighed. "But please try to understand that Angel will always be with me. Yes, it's deep inside, but it's not love. It's respect. And he will always be in my memories. If it weren't for Angel, I would never have known your love. I would never have appreciated you. Xander, I love you."
Xander simply stared at Buffy, unsure of how to react. "Say that again."
Buffy laughed. "I love you!"
Xander flung himself forward, grabbing Buffy and pulling her down on top of him, his body cushioning the impact with the ground. He kissed her, releasing all of the pent up tension and fear that had laced these past few weeks. "I love you, too." He whispered, coming up for air.
Buffy looked deep into his eyes. "And Xander?"
"Yeah?"
"You do have all of me."