Boogie
Nights: Day Five
SCENE:
Hotel lounge.
KOVACSGIRL:
I can't believe we left them alone.
MALUCCIECA:
Yeah, that has to be your stupidest mistake yet.
KOVACSGIRL:
MINE!?
MALUCCIECA:
Yup.
KOVACSGIRL:
It was your fault too!
MALUCCIECA:
It was yours.
KOVACSGIRL:
Yours!
MALUCCIECA:
Yours!
KOVACSGIRL:
Yours!
MALUCCIECA:
Yours!
KOVACSGIRL:
Yours!
MALUCCIECA:
Yours!
PETER
(walking in) Great, our authors are fighting.
KOVACSGIRL:
Keep out of this! And don't try that shit that you did last night again!
KERRY:
Whoa, she's pissed.
LUKA
(walking in): What's up?
KERRY:
The authors are fighting. You might want to stay out of it.
DAVE:
I don't!
EVERYONE
ELSE, EXCEPT K-GIRL, M-CIECA, AND DAVE: NO!!!!!!!!
DAVE
(to K-GIRL and M-CIECA): It was both of your faults!
K-GIRL
and M-CIECA: What?
DAVE:
Read the print-on screen.
K-GIRL
and M-CIECA: It . . . was . . . both . . . of . . . your . . . faults.
Oh!!
KOVACSGIRL:
Sorry. Now, we need to make a schedule so we don't have a repeat of last
night.
MALUCCIECA:
Right.
JOHN
stumbles in.
JOHN:
What the hell happened last night? Oh, Lucy!
He
wanders in a stupor to PETER.
PETER:
I'm not Lucy!!!
ROMANO:
I get to fire two gays!!!! Woo hoo!
ELIZABETH:
Oh . . . oh . . . oh!
MARK
and ROMANO: Give it a rest, Lizzy!
ELIZABETH:
Nooooooo! This is the real thing!
MARK:
Sure.
DAVE:
It's old, Elizabeth.
ELIZABETH:
I DON'T WANNA DELIVER THIS GODDAM BABY IN THIS HOTEL!
MARK:
Hey, this is my kid here too!
POLLSTER
CHICO: It's time for another poll!
READERS:
POLLSTER CHICO!!!
POLLSTER
CHICO: The one and only.
MALUCCIECA:
What poll do you have for us today, Pollster Chico?
POLLSTER
CHICO: What are your predictions for Elizabeth's baby?
(a)
girl
(b)
boy
(c)
twins
(d)
triplets or more
(e)
who cares as long as it doesn't look like Mark, Romano, Benton, Cleo, or
Abby?
ABBY:
HEY!
KOVACSGIRL:
Fanfiction.net users vote in the provided review box.
MALUCCIECA:
Others, vote by e-mailing either K-girl or myself. Our addies are at the
beginning of the fic.
KOVACSGIRL:
That's right. Get off your hiney and find our e-mails for yourself!
ELIZABETH:
I'm kinda having a baby right now.
KOVACSGIRL:
You'll have to wait until we get poll results.
ELIZABETH:
I can't just suck the baby back in.
ABBY:
Yeah, it's not possible...
KOVACSGIRL:
Where there's a will, there's a way.
ELIZABETH:
There's no f***ing will!
MALUCCIECA:
Well, we're writing this and we say hold your horses!
KOVACSGIRL:
Now we're dividing you into two groups.
MALUCCIECA:
Half of you are going with K-girl and the other group is going with me.
KOVACSGIRL:
Except John, who is going with Chico to get . . . detoxed.
JOHN:
Bubber, blub, zick!
MALUCCIECA:
I'll take . . . Dave.
KOVACSGIRL:
Luka and Deb.
DEB:
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
MALUCCIECA:
I was going to take Deb! Oh well, you get Cleobot! Uh, Mark and Abby.
KOVACSGIRL:
Kerry . . . Liz.
MALUCCIECA:
I don't want Romano!
KOVACSGIRL:
I'll take him, you can have Benton.
DEB:
Are we forgetting anyone?
LUKA:
John, me, Abby, you, Dave, Liz, The Horrid Little Turd . . .
ROMANO:
HEY!
LUKA:
Mark, Peter, Cleo . . . I think so.
MALUCCIECA:
Good.
KOVACSGIRL:
Because you people were bad little children, we're going to the Crime Lab
first, then Luka gets to choose our next
stop.
Bye-bye, ------.
MALUCCIECA:
Bye, -----. Have fun.
SCENE:
Crime Lab.
NICK:
You brought them all here!?!
KOVACSGIRL:
Actually, half of them.
NICK:
Why?
KOVACSGIRL:
We couldn't find a baby sitter who would put up with all of them.
NICK:
What?
KOVACSGIRL:
Let me put it like this: It's like living with a bunch of five year olds.
NICK:
Oh.
ROMANO:
Oh . . . what does this do?
GRISSOM:
Don't touch that!
GUN:
Boom!
PETER:
OW!!!!
GRISSOM:
That's evidence!
SARA:
Yeah, I know the feeling . . . I got fired from my old job because I was
different . . .
KERRY:
We're so victimized.
SARA:
You know, that bald guy looks familiar . . .
KERRY:
YOU look familiar.
SARA:
Kerry . . . Weaver?
KERRY:
Maggie . . . Doyle?
SARA
AKA MAGGIE: Kerry! I haven't seen you forever!
KERRY:
I know.
NICK:
They know each other?
KOVACSGIRL:
Jorja Fox was on ER before she was on CSI.
NICK:
I wonder if Griss knows was that . . .
GREG
THE LAB GUY: Hi there, you're hot.
DEB:
God, if I'm not around Dave, it's someone just like him!
GREG
THE LAB GUY: Ya know, I'm free on Thursday. Wanna go out?
DEB:
SAVE ME!!!
CLEO:
Hey, Peter . . . wanna get a load off yer feet?
PETER:
Sure.
CLEO:
Here, this metal bed thingy looks like a good place to rest.
PETER:
You sure?
CLEO
pulls open another drawer.
CLEO:
See, there's a person sleeping here too. Oh, isn't that nice. They give you a
blanket and air conditioning, too.
PETER:
Isn't that redundant?
CLEO:
Just get in!!!
PETER:
Okay . . .
HE
gets in, and CLEO slides him into the drawer. SHE laughs to herself and
leaves.
PETER:
Cleo . . . Cleo? CLEO!!!
KOVACSGIRL:
Well, I guess we have to go, Nick . . .
NICK:
Too bad.
REST
OF THE CSI's: NO, IT'S NOT!!!!!
KOVACSGIRL:
See ya later.
They
all walk out the lab.
DEB:
Where do you want to go, Luka?
LUKA:
We all go wherever I choose?
DEB:
Yes!
LUKA:
Anywhere?
DEB:
Goddamnit, YES!
LUKA:
Well, how about . . .
EVERYONE:
WHAT?!?
LUKA:
A karaoke club!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EVERYONE
ELSE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
SCENE:
Karaoke club.
LUKA:
Hell, yeah!
DAVE:
Yo quiero comer.
MARK:
Cuando?
DAVE:
AHORA!!!!!!!!!!!
KOVACSGIRL:
I should have known.
DEB:
THANK GOD Maluccieca told that scary guy at the Crime Lab that I wasn't available
on Thursdays!
MARK:
Por que?
ABBY:
What's he saying?
DEB:
Because. Thursday night is when "ER" comes on, duh.
KERRY:
WAAAAAHHHHH!
LUKA:
What?
KERRY:
I called Kim and she's not coming!
ROMANO:
Because she's shacked up with someone else now, is that it?
KERRY:
She left a message on her answering machine . . . WAAAAAHHHHHHHH . . .
EVERYONE:
WHAT THE HELL DID SHE SAY?
KERRY:
Two words . . .
CLEO:
And they would be?
KERRY:
(choking through tears) "The Beast".
DEEP
MALE VOICE: "The Beast". Viewer Discretion Advised.
EVERYONE:
What the hell?
MALUCCIECA:
What is that goddamn noise!
DAVE:
Sorry, I burped.
MALUCCIECA:
No, the other one . . .
She
squints and looks at the stage.
MALUCCIECA:
Oh, no. Not a Britney Spears song. Can we get out of here?
RENA:
John!!!!!
JOHN:
Elaine!!!!!! I missed you so much!
RENA:
I beg your pardon?
JOHN:
I mean . . . hold on, aren't you my cousin's ex-wife who showed up at work and
we –
RENA:
That's it, I'm leaving! This relationship is over!
JOHN:
Fine! You're not blond!
RENA:
Fine! You're . . . old!
MALUCCIECA
smirks.
RENA:
And you're . . . you're . . . UGLY!
MALUCCIECA
starts to choke with laughter.
MALUCCIECA:
HAHAHAHAHAHA . . . I mean . . . you go, girl!
RENA:
(yells across club) I'm ready, sweetie!
GUY
comes over.
EVERYONE:
HUGH HEFNER!!!!!!!!!!!!
RENA:
Goodbye, John.
JOHN:
(yells at her retreating figure) I don't need you! I need . . . LUKA!
LUKA:
No, you don't. I'm not available.
JOHN:
I WANNA SING!!!!!!
MALUCCIECA:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA . . . I mean . . . heeeeeeeeeee . . .
DEB:
She reminds me of that when time I drank Goofy Water.
KOVACSGIRL:
You were hiccupping.
DEB:
Whoops. I guess it wasn't that time, then.
DAVE:
(chanting w/ a cha-cha kinda song) I WANT A BURRITO, I WANT A BURRITO! I WANT A
BURRITO, BURRITO, HEY!
MARK:
ABBY'S ABURRIDO, ABBY'S ABURRIDO, ABBY'S ABURRIDO, ABURRIDO, HEY!
LUKA:
GRRRRR.
ABBY:
I am not!
MARK:
Oh, never mind . . .
TRANSLATOR
BAMBI: (appears out of nowhere and whispers in his ear)
MARK:
Ohhhh. ABBY'S ABURRIDA, ABBY'S ABURRIDA, ABBY'S ABURRIDA, ABBURIDA, HEY!
DAVE:
Hee hee.
ABBY:
My mother's ill, dammit! I have story lines – unlike you.
TRANSLATOR
BAMBI: (to Mark) You were supposed to say, "Yo soy aburrido." YOU'RE the one
who's aburrido, not her!
MARK:
Life is too short, why worry about Spanish grammar?
CLEO:
Kerry?
KERRY:
*sob* Where's John?
GUY:
Everyone, this is John Carter.
JOHN
waves from stage.
GUY:
And John's gonna be singing "Hash Pipe" by Weezer!
EVERYONE:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
SCENE:
Back to the Crime Lab. We see the drawer Peter's been locked in and we can only
hear his voice.
PETER:
HELLO!? Anybody hear me? Hello!!!!
Silence.
PETER:
CLEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SCENE:
Back to Karaoke Club.
JOHN:
(singing) Whoaaaaaaaaa . . . I've got my hash pipe!!!!!!!!!!
MALUCCIECA:
How appropriate.
JOHN:
(beaming) Thanks.
KOVACSGIRL:
(to M-CIECA) What happened to everyone else?
MALUCCIECA:
Oh, no. (does a quick head count) We're missing two. We absolutely can NOT
afford for this to happen again.
KOVACSGIRL:
I know. We're missing Peter –
MALUCCIECA:
And if we lose them, what're we gonna tell all of those Hollywood bigshots? Oh,
my God.
KOVACSGIRL:
Quit freaking out.
MALUCCIECA:
I'm a Virgo. I spaz, OKAY?!?!?!
KOVACSGIRL:
Calm down. Now, we're missing Peter. And, come to think of it –
GUY:
And now here's Kerry Weaver, who will be singing Jill Sobule's "I Kissed A
Girl".
KERRY
starts to sing.
ROMANO:
Oh, man. She really IS gay.
ELIZABETH:
What happened to your accent?
ROMANO:
(to JOHN) That's a dir'y bo'hul you've got there, gov'nuh.
ELIZABETH:
(giggles) Ooh, Cockney!!!
KOVACSGIRL:
John has a bottle? What?
JOHN:
No, I don't!
ABBY:
I wanna sing something next!
ROMANO:
No, I wanna sing something next!
DAVE:
Uh-uh. No way. I'M singing next.
DEB:
You bitch!
DAVE:
No, see, you're a bitch, not me.
DEB:
Well, I don't care. The bitchiest sings next, so that's me. OKAY?
MALUCCIECA:
I'm gonna go sing that song by Linkin Park where that guy just yells "SHUT UP!
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"
Can
you guys take a hint?
KOVACSGIRL:
Where is Peter, anyway?
CLEO:
Heh, heh.
KOVACSGIRL:
Oh, okay, Cleo. You're laughing, so that obviously means you know. Where is he?
CLEO:
(whispers)
KOVACSGIRL:
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! We have to go get him!
MALUCCIECA:
But what about everyone else who's singing? Remember, we CANNOT leave them
alone!
KOVACSGIRL:
I'll go get him. You stay here.
MALUCCIECA:
You're leaving me with them?
KOVACSGIRL:
I'll be back before you know it.
Pause.
KOVACSGIRL
& MALUCCIECA: Nahhhhhhhhh.
KERRY
is done singing.
GUY:
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it looks like we have a surprise number!
MALUCCIECA:
Oh, God, wait, we're missing two.
KOVACSGIRL:
But Kerry's here. We're SO not picking up Peter.
MALUCCIECA:
Luka.
KOVACSGIRL
& MALUCCIECA: DAMMIT!
GUY:
And our surprise number is – oh, no, wait, that's later. No, it looks like we
have Deb Chen singing Janet Jackson's "Someone
To Be
My Lover".
DAVE:
But, Jing-Mei, we're at a bar!
DEB:
We've already met.
DAVE:
But –
DEB:
You don't have a f*cking car, for Christ's sakes! You have a freaking BIKE!
DAVE:
Same thing!
DEB: I
have to sing, leave me alone!
GUY:
Actually, my bad, ladies and gentlemen. We have our surprise number instead!
DEB:
Oh, great, make up your mind.
GUY:
And it's the King himself!
The
curtain raises, and a dude in an Elvis costume is in the middle of the stage.
MALUCCIECA:
Oh, God, where's Luka?
ROMANO:
Are all Virgo's this spastic?
KOVACSGIRL:
Don't worry, he can't be too far. Let's just watch this, this looks like fun.
LUKA,
I MEAN ELVIS: That's one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready
and four to go!
KOVACSGIRL:
Hey, he's not half bad... You say you're a Virgo? Me too...that's weird, I
don't freak out that much.
K-GIRL'S
FRIENDS: THAT'S AN UNDERSTATEMENT!!!!!!!!
DEB:
That Elvis sounds a bit familiar...
DAVE:
Yeah, who ever heard of Elvis with a accent.
KOVACSGIRL:
What?
DAVE:
Can't you hear it? It's Slavic...maybe from the area of Yugoslavia, maybe
Russian.
DEB:
How do you know all that?
DAVE:
What do you think I do when I'm not on the show, which is most of the time?
ELVIS:
I'm nothing but a hound dog, crying all the time!
KOVACSGIRL:
I used to have a friend that sang that song all the time...
MALUCCIECA:
What happened to her...
KOVACSGIRL:
She moved to Texas.
ABBY:
I would recognize that hair anywhere!
CARTER:
Who is it?
ABBY:
Bill! The guy from the bar in our hotel.
KOVACSGIRL:
Not Mine!
CARTER:
I get the feeling you're not staying at a hotel...
KOVACSGIRL:
HEY!
ELVIS:
Thank-you, thank-you very much!
KOVACSGIRL:
WooHoo! It's my turn.
SHE
jumps onto the stage, knocking ELVIS over and grabbing the mic from him. ELVIS'
sunglasses fly off, to reveal LUKA.
EVERYONE:
LUKA!!!
MALUCCIECA:
Thank god!
LUKA: I
don't believe in God.
KOVACSGIRL:
SHUT UP!!!
SHE
runs over to the PIANIST and whispers HER choice to HIM. HE begins to play.
KOVACSGIRL:
Mary Ann and Wanda were the best of friends, all through their high school
days... Both members of the 4H club, both active in the FAA...
EVERYONE:
SAVE US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!