Chapter V
The next morning the Soldier With the Green Bill led the way for the group to the square green room that had the box in it, where the penguins put their spectacles away after the Guardian of the Gates had unlocked them.
"Which way is it to the Wicked Witch of the West's?" the Scarecrow asked the Walrus.
"I don't know," answered the Guardian truthfully. "But I imagine that if one keeps to the West, one will find the Witch."
"Well, that's convenient," said the Tin Woodman.
So they thanked the Guardian and bade him goodbye, and were soon on their way westward.
"Now, that's odd," remarked the Scarecrow, looking up, "isn't it a little early for sunset?"
The Tin Woodman hit the Scarecrow in the shoulder with the butt of his axe, which resulted in nothing more than a soft thump. "You are such a moron!" he yelled. "The sun didn't set! That's a cloud."
"Do clouds have pagers?" the Lion asked Torpedo.
Torpedo couldn't believe her eyes. "That's no cloud!" she cried. "Take cover!"
But there was nowhere to hide, for right at that moment there descended upon them a flock of winged monkeys in business suits and designer sunglasses.
"Strange," murmered the Scarecrow to himself as he was lifted off the ground by four of the monkeys, "they look like secret agents or something."
"Get back, you flea-bitten flying rug!" The Tin Woodman swung at a monkey with his axe, but he was seized by a group of others who carried him upwards.
The Lion roared and swiped at the creatures with his forepaws, but one big monkey grabbed him by the tail and took him the way of the others.
Torpedo was very much dismayed at the fate of her comrades, but there was nothing she could do but watch.
The Scarecrow the monkeys pulled apart, and they scattered all his straw around the countryside and then threw his remains up in a tree.
They dropped the Tin Woodman down in a gully, where he lay so badly dented he couldn't even complain.
The big monkey that had picked up the Lion swung the beast around his head like a bola, then, once the Lion was properly dizzy, the winged monkey flew away with him to a destination Torpedo didn't particularly want to guess at.
Then, when that was done, the monkeys bore down on the tern, who dropped her basket, but didn't bother trying to run.
When they came near, the one in the front, who wore a golden tie-tack, stopped in midair, a very surprised look on his simian face.
"Acck - look, on her forehead!" he chattered to the others. "The Seal of Good Housekeeping! We dare not harm this one - but we'll take her to the Wicked Witch herself!"
Torpedo cringed, but it did no good, for the monkeys snatched her up and flew away to the west with her.
They soon arrived at a black, dreary castle, where the monkeys left Torpedo on a balcony. Then, chattering and laughing, they flew away.
Torpedo clutched the toy dog, which she still had, close to her in fright and stepped through the open doorway and into the castle.
The only light in this room came from the door the girl had come through, and she could make out a crouched figure wearing a tall, pointed hat in the corner, stirring something in a huge pot that simmered over a fire.
"Um...hello?" Torpedo called timidly.
The figure stopped stirring and stepped into the light. "Oh, my stars!" she exclaimed, clasping her hands together. "A little lady! Well, don't dawdle now, dear, and come closer to the fire! You'll catch a chill over by that open door."
"I surmise you're the Wicked Witch of the West," said Torpedo.
"That's who I am!" enthushed the yellow goose cheerfully.
Torpedo nodded at the pot. "And that's your brew, right?"
The Witch laughed and said, "No dear, this is my laundry." She fished around inside with the large spoon she had been stirring with and pulled out a black dress and grey apron, the same exact thing she was wearing at the time. "A girl needs a variety of clothes if she wants to make a good impression on folks."
"But you're an evil sorceress!" Torpedo exclaimed.
"Oh, yes, well," said the Witch, lowering the spoon, "I may be evil, but at least my impression is good. Come inside now, dear, and close the door behind you."
Torpedo hesitated a moment, then complied. She stood next to the pot of laundry and waited expectantly for the Witch to continue.
"Oh, dear me, your hair will never do that way," fussed the Witch, clicking her tongue sharply and reaching into her apron pocket. "I've got some lovely hair ribbons here we can make some pretty bows with...Oh, and wouldn't you look just adorable with a perm!"
Torpedo backed way. "Now I know why they call you the Wicked Witch of the West!" she screeched in horror. "Don't do anything hasty..."
The Witch started warming up a curling iron. "Come stand over here, dear, and I'll fix you right up," she called sweetly.
"Get back, hideous sub-creature of the Netherworld!" Torpedo cringed behind the pot.
"What's all the noise out here?" demanded the Liquidator, sitting up in the pot and looking around. "I'm trying to do some laundry!"
"You've got to help me!" implored Torpedo. She seized the Liquidator where his lapels would be if he was wearing a jacket and moaned: "She wants to perm my hair!"
The Liquidator snickered. "What's the matter?" he sneered. "A perm would look just great with - " he snorted derisively - "gingham!"
"Oh, go flush yourself!" snarled Torpedo viciously, upturning the contents of the pot onto the floor.
The force of the laundry water sent the Liquidator hurtling into the Wicked Witch, who let out an awful screech.
"If that was another way to yell 'rape,' I had nothing to do with it," said the Liquidator quickly, propping himself up on his elbows.
"No - no!" shrieked the Witch, staring at her hands in horror. "I'm melting!"
"Well, what do you know," commented Torpedo, watching as the Witch shrank before her very eyes. "Sugar and spice, and all that."
In a moment the Wicked Witch was no more, and all that remained of her was her pearl necklace. Absently, Torpedo picked it up and put it in her apron pocket.
"What will you do now?" the Liqidator asked her.
The tern thought a moment. "I'm not sure," she said at length, "but I need to find a way to recover my, uh...dependants."
"What happened to them?"
Torpedo struck her palm with the toy dog. "A troop of flying monkeys in business suits pretty much destroyed two of them and took off with the other someplace," she said.
The Liquidator righted the pot and started putting the scattered wet clothes back into it. "Then maybe you should ask the monkeys to help them," he suggested.
"You've got to be kidding!" the tern exclaimed. "After what they did?"
"But you have the Witch's pearl necklace!" said the Liquidator, turning back towards Torpedo. "That's how she controlled them."
"Then that's what I'll do," proclaimed Torpedo decidedly. She marched back out onto the balcony and retrieved the necklace from her pocket.
"Now how do you work this thing?" She turned it over in her hands, and noticed gold writing on the pearls.
"What weird instructions," Torpedo mused. "Oh, well."
First she put on the necklace (around her ankle; she had to loop the string twice, but she didn't like to wear things around her neck), then she stood on her left foot.
"Ep-pe, pep-pe, kak-ke!" she proclaimed. When nothing happened, she continued by switching to her right foot.
"Hil-lo, hol-lo, hel-lo!"
She paused experimentally, then finished the charm standing on both feet:
"Ziz-zy, zuz-zy, zik!"
"What do you command?" inquired the Monkey With the Golden Tie-Tack, who seemed to appear out of mid-air, closely followed by the rest of the monkeys.
Torpedo was not long in answering. "I command that you put the Scarecrow back together, fix the Tin Woodman, and bring the Lion back unharmed from...wherever...you...took him." She paused, and the full effect of the power she held over the monkeys manifested itself in her brain. "Immediately!" she added in a scream.
It seemed only moments before the departing monkeys returned with Torpedo's charges, no matter how dented or in how many pieces those charges happened to be. However, with the help of some fresh straw and a couple of hammers, everyone was a good as new (despite the Lion's persisting dizziness).
"Wait - you're not dismissed yet," Torpedo said quickly as the monkeys prepared to depart.
The lead monkey turned around in a crouch, "What is your request, O Mighty One?"
Torpedo's eyes flashed. "No need to get sarcastic!" she snapped. "Take us back to the Emerald City! All of us...now!"
The Monkey With the Golden Tie-Tack growled softly under his breath. "I liked the Saccharine Sorceress better," he remarked to the others.
So without further ceremony the winged monkeys took up the four travellers (along with the toy dog, which Torpedo still had a firm grasp on), and flew them off to the City for the last time.