Chapter VI
"This time there is no way I'm going to wait here for another lousy three hours!"
The Scarecrow waved off the Tin Woodman unconcernedly. "Ha!" he said. "He wouldn't do that to us - we did what he wanted."
"That's right," interposed the Lion. "Torpedo killed the Witch. He'll be glad to see us."
"Yeah," sighed Torpedo. "Glad."
In fact the Wizard was so glad that he left them waiting five hours.
The Tin Woodman gritted his tin teeth together in fury, creating sparks. "This constitutes grounds for prehumous cremation!" He leapt up and shouldered his axe. "We'll take the Throne Room by storm!" And with that he began to render the door into green toothpicks.
"Oh, I don't think you should do that," worried the Lion, wringing his tail fretfully.
Torpedo sniffed. "If it will get us in, I think he should."
The Soldier With the Green Bill ran in waving his arms. "Just what do yous tink yous are doin'?" he said. "Dat's no way to gain favor wi' da Boss."
The Tin Woodman turned around slowly, clutching the handle of the axe shakily. "Stay away from me," he wavered. "I've cut down bigger problems than you with this thing."
"You'd better listen to him," advised the Scarecrow. "He's not himself right after an oil change."
The Tin Woodman finished chopping a hole through the door, and shook his axe in the air triumphantly. "Hahahahahahaaaa!" he crowed. "Victory is mine! Let's waste that wizard!" He dashed down the hallway, and in a moment the others heard him working on the iron doors at the other end.
"Come on," said Torpedo, stepping through the hole in the wooden door. "Let's go save him from himself." The Lion and the Scarecrow followed her without argument.
"Da proper authorities will hear about dis!" the Soldier With the Green Bill shouted after them. When they had gone, he sat himself down on the green footstool. "I knew I should have been a gardener," he grumbled.
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"Oh, great - I've completely ruined my axe," snarled the Tin Woodman, throwing his battered tool down on the ground.
"You didn't have to," said the Scarecrow, lifting the bar. "Now we can get in."
"Only a brainless idiot like you would think he knew everything," complained the tin man as they entered the Throne Room.
"Well, he isn't here!" declared the Scarecrow.
"Oh, no!" cried the Lion, leaping up onto the green chandelier.
"He isn't here!" the Tin Woodman echoed the Scarecrow. "What a gyp!"
Torpedo squeezed the toy dog in frustration, and accidentally pushed the button on the end of the stick. The dog twitched and squeaked, startling her.
"That's it!" Torpedo bellowed, trembling in agitation. "I've had it! I've had it with Witches, I've had it with the color green, and I've had it with this stupid piece of junk!" And she flung the toy away from her as hard as she could. It struck a tall green screen with another squeak, sending the screen crashing down over the head of -
"The Wizard?" exclaimed everyone in surprise.
The Wizard crawled out from beneath the ruined screen with some difficulty, and chuckled nervously at the group, who stared back at him rather coldly. He considered briefly making a mad dash for the door, but decided instead to talk his way out of a bad situation.
"Nice day for golf, don't you think?"
"You're not talking your way out of this one, Bucky!" snarled Torpedo, looming over the Wizard like an impending storm. "We want our favors!"
The Wizard covered his head with his arms as if he were fending off hailstones. "I - I - can't!" he stammered. "I'm not really a Wizard. I'm a fake; I can't help you."
"Let me go!" the Tin Woodman screamed at the Scarecrow, who had grabbed his arms to keep him from throwing himself bodily upon the Wizard. "I'll mutilate him!"
Torpedo continued to glare at the Wizard. "I'll have you know we're not going anywhere until you do what you promised. Here's proof of the Witch's death - " she pulled off the pearl necklace and dangled it in front of the Wizard's bill - "so now it's your turn."
The Wizard pulled at his helmet's antennae thoughtfully, and finally said: "Okay."
The Tin Woodman stopped tying the tails of Scarecrow's jester hat around the stuffed man's neck. "'Okay'?" he repeated. "You're going to give us what we want?"
The Wizard clasped his hands behind his back and rocked on his heels. "You bet," he answered.
"Oh, well..." Now Torpedo was stammering. "That's...er - very...good. Hooray." She blinked and looked around. "Is it just me, or is this suddenly becoming easy?"
The Wizard looked up to the chandelier. "You wanted courage," he assessed to the Lion. "Tell me what I have in my hand."
The Lion paused, then hopped down to the floor and looked at the palm of the Wizard's outstretched hand. "It's a leaf louse," he said.
"And?"
The Lion frowned. "and what?"
"It's a leaf louse."
"I said that."
The Wizard tossed the louse over his shoulder. "I pronounce you courageous," proclaimed the Wizard, obtaining a gold medal from somewhere and looping it around the Lion's neck. "You failed to be afraid of a leaf louse, therefore you must be a very brave plant."
"Wow." The Lion was in awe. He looked at the medal. "Hey!" he protested. "This is for miniature golf!"
The Wizard ignored him. "And as for you," he said to the Tin Woodman, "you asked for a heart. Well, I'm afraid I don't have any hearts lying around, but I do have a swell battery-operated travel-size pressure cooker. It's made of copper, so it conducts warmth quite well. I guarantee it will make you a very warm man."
"Terrific," mumbled the Tin Woodman as the Wizard re-soldered his chest after installing the pressure cooker. "Now I'll be popular at Polish weddings."
"And as for your brain..." The Wizard pondered a moment over the Scarecrow's plight. " - I've got it!"
Before the Scarecrow could protest, the Wizard had snatched up the motionless yellow crow and taken off the stuffed man's head.
"Oh, I can't look!" moaned the Lion, putting his leafy paws over his eyes.
The Wizard pulled a huge fistful of straw out of the Scarecrow's head and replaced it with the crow. When he had done that, he refitted the Scarecrow's head where it belonged and dusted his hands off.
"There!" he said. "A brand-new Banana Brain!"
"Wow, a Banana Brain," breathed the Scarecrow, then he frowned. "Does that get as much milage as a domestically manufactured brain?"
"What about me?" interrupted Torpedo. "Am I going to get any direction in life or not?"
The Wizard scratched under his helmet. "Well, there is something you - I mean, I could do...but you'll have to help me."
Torpedo shrugged. "Okay. What do I have to do?"
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The Wizard lounged on his hammock and sipped a green lemonade. "Lift it a little higher," he told Torpedo, who leaned up against the pulley in exhaustion.
"Well, don't stop now," snapped the Wizard impatiently, peering over his green sunglasses. "How do you ever expect me to - I mean, you to get out of here?"
Torpedo looked at him. "But I don't want to leave - although that would be nice," she said. "I want direction in life. Remember?"
"Oh, uh, yeah, sure I do," said the Wizard quickly.
Torpedo still wasn't satisfied. "And why am I constructing a hot-air balloon? How will that give me direction in life?"
The Wizard sucked at his lemonade in an effort to stall. "Oh, well, that's because..." He concentrated, knitting his thick brows together. "...It's because you have to be on the up-and-up if you want to gain direction in life."
"Oh," Torpedo said tonelessly, resuming her efforts to hoist the empty balloon higher. "How's this?" she gasped.
"Perfect," answered the Wizard cheerfully. "Tie 'er down."
It was only after Torpedo had lashed down the rope that held the heavy balloon upright, turned on the steam-powered bellows, and found some sandbags in the backroom to weigh down the basket that the Wizard was satisfied with her work. Abandoning the hammock, he hopped up and down and rubbed his small hands together gleefully as he watched the cloth bag slowly inflate. "Oh, I do amaze myself, I do I do I do!" he enthused merrily.
"Excuse me," cut in Torpedo icily, tapping the Wizard on the shoulder, "but when do I get my direction in life?"
The Wizard waved her off and discarded his sunglasses and lemonade under the hammock. "In just a moment. Wait here." He dashed back inside the green palace.
Torpedo walked over to the green marble fountain at the middle of the courtyard. She sat next to the others, who had been quietly watching the construction of the balloon with some interest.
"Well, are you going to get your direction in life soon?" the Lion asked her.
"Oh, I don't know," mumbled Torpedo into her hands. "I think there's something weird going on, but I can't quite put my finger on it..."
"Here I am!" cried the Wizard, reappearing in the courtyard lugging several suitcases and a tote bag. "Give me a hand with these...ah...'Magic Direction Finders,' would you, huh?"
Torpedo mutely helped the Wizard lift his luggage into the basket, then watched as he scrambled in himself.
"Now can I have my direction in life?" she blurted.
"After you cut that rope," answered the Wizard, pointing to the line that tethered the now-full balloon to the ground.
"But then you'll fly away!" protested the Scarecrow.
The Tin Woodman glared at the stuffed man. "Oh, brilliant, Einstein! Now can you tell us the Meaning of Life?"
While the Scarecrow wracked his new brain on that one, Torpedo began untying the balloon.
"Oh, this is exciting!" chortled the Wizard, his helmet's antennea bobbing. "Here we go!"
As the balloon began its ascent, Torpedo shouted up after it: "But what about my direction in life?"
And came the Wizard's voice back down to her: "Sucker!"
"You cheat!" screamed Torpedo, flailing her arms furiously.
The Scarecrow perked up. "I've got it!" he exclaimed, but no one would ever know what he had gotten, because at that very moment he was flattened to the ground in a flurry of straw by a sandbag the Wizard had just released.
"Well, there he goes," sighed the Tin Woodman as the Wizard's balloon floated out of sight.
The Lion dropped his tail. "Oh, Torpedo, we're sorry," he said. "What can you do now?"
"Well, I don't know why I should be dis helpful," called the Soldier With the Green Bill from behind a hedge. He stepped into view, wearing a pair of green overalls and holding a pair of green clippers. "...But dere is, ah, one dame who might be able to help you out..."