A/N: this is a take off on hollywood squares. Which in case you havent heard of ( if u havent wat planet hav u bn on ??????? jk) it s a game show that s a mix between trivia and tic tak toe
HOGWARTS SQUARES
CHAPTER 1
INTRO and PART OF ROUND 1, Day one
*theme song starts*
*Tom Bearguron steps up to his place*
Tom: Welcome to Hollywood Squares!
Toni-
*Lee Jordan appears out of nowhere*
Lee: Move over Tom! I'm the host now
*evil laugh*
*Lee shoves Tom who then disappears*
Star E. Night: Let's start this thing over.
*theme song starts up again but different this time*
"Oh I love Hogwarts
I love all its features
Except maybe the teachers
I love Hogwarts!"
Announcer (professor Mcgonagall): This week on Double Days it's two guests per square, and they are…
Miss Granger … oops I mean…
Hermione Granger and
Ron Weasley
Gilderoy Lockhart and
Rita Skeeter
The Weasley Twins and
Dudley Dursley
Vincent Crabbe and
Gregory Goyle
Harry Potter and
Colin Creevey
Ginny Weasley and
Dobby… um…er…
Dobby…Dobby Elf
Draco Malfoy and
Sirius Black
Severus Snape and
Viktor Krum
And in our BONUS BOX…
(You Know Who)…I mean…
Voldemort…Voldemort…
Oh heck he has no first name…
Or is it the last he is missing…
Tom Riddle (Voldemort) and
Neville Longbottom
AND STARRING…
Albus Dumbledore!!!!!!!
And oh yes that other person…
I mean his partner…
Oh all right Sybill Trelawney
Oh yay we all care… uh I mean…
Bravo for the two of them
And here's your host…
Lee Jordan!
*Lee Jordan apparates to the host's stand*
Lee: Hello everyone and welcome to Hogwarts Squares! Today our
contestants are… Miss Fleur Delacour from France and Mr. Peter
Pettigrew (everyone's favorite person) from good old England, I have
to compliment him there. (then turning to the contestants) Who won
the hat pick backstage?
Peter: I did.
Lee: All right you will go first.
Peter: Okay. I'll take my Master and Neville for 500 please.
Lee: (clears throat loudly) Let's have our two contestants tell us a little
about themselves.
Peter: I thought you said I could go first!
Lee: You can, but later.
Peter: I want to go now!
Lee: You do realize that you are on national television.
Peter: Hmmm…Let me see I'll take-
Lee: Let's take a commercial break.
Peter: No I-
Lee: Shut up you stupid prat!
Peter: Hmph!
Hogwarts Squares is sponsered by…
Ollivanders
Supplying wands since the year 382 B.C.
(by the same wizard too)
Sparks of magic!
Also by…
Figs For Food
"Fig-uratively Speaking…It's Magic!"
And lastly by…
Zonkos Joke Shop
"Turning frowns upside-down for over 50 years."
*first commercial begins*
Little boy: Mommy, I want to go get ice cream at Florean Fortesque's!
Mother: Take the card. *hands her son a little red card card*
Little boy: *holds card tight * I want ice cream! Pumpkin cream! *Ice cream appears*
Little girl: Daddy I want a pet!
Father: Use the card. *hands his daughter a little red card*
Little girl: *clutches card tight* I want a kitty, owl, rat, frog, and a newt! *pets appear*
Lonely child: *holding little red card in her hand* I want a lot of friends, to be popular, and a loving family!
*nothing happens*
Narrator (which happens to be Star E. Night): There are something magic can't get. For everything else there's MagiCard.
*second commercial starts*
Men are sitting around a table in a pub, drinking butterbeer, and talking of the day's events. One man brought his pet owl and it is in its cage and sitting next to him. The owner of the owl finishes his butterbeer.
Owl owner: *unlocks the owl's cage and gives him a few knuts* go buy me some more beer !
*owl flutters off to the bar* the bartender gives the owl a mug. A guzzling sound can be heard.
Owl owner: No! Bring the beer here!
"Butterbeer, magically irresistible, warms your heart and soul"
Night: And now back to the show!
Lee: All right everyone, welcome back to Hogwarts Squares! Miss
Delacour, tell us about yourself, sivo pleit.
Fleur: Don't even try.
Lee: Try what?
Fleur: You know.
Lee: What?!?!?!
Fleur: To speak French. You're a failure in zat department, and I CAN
speak Eenglish, by ze way.
Lee: Umm…moving on. So, now that we've cleared that up, will you tell us
about yourself please?
Fleur: I 'ave just graduated from Beauxbatons Academy, and I am 'oping to
get a job 'ere in Eengland. Also, I am part veela.
Lee: Thank you very much Miss Delacour. And now Mr. Pettigrew…
Peter: *stares at his hands*
Lee: Mr. Pettigrew!!!
Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, did you say something?
Lee: *gives him "the look"*
Peter: What?
Lee: *through gritted teeth* Would you be so kind as to tell us about
yourself?
Peter: Right…well, I'm a bit of a coward, I'm actually an unregistered
animagus and I USED to work for the Dark Side *notices Voldemort
looking venemously at him, and gulps* Er… that is… I still DO work
for ummm… the Dark Side.
Audience: BOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Peter: *cowers and turns into a rat*
Lee: You're not allowed to use magic here, Mr. Pettigrew. Change back at
once!
Peter: *remains a rat*
Sirius: You coward!!! You haven't changed a bit since you gave Lily and
James to Voldemort! (audience gasps) Yes, that's right, I said he gave
them to Voldemort, not me, and I'm innocent!!!
Lee: Well, that's wonderful news, Mr. Black, and now that Peter has finally
agreed to change into himself, let us begin the game. And I hope that
you all know the rules, because I don't want to explain them. Mr.
Pettigrew, since you won the hat pick backstage, you'll go first.
Peter: Ok, as I said before, I'll take my Master and Neville for 500.
Lee: Umm…Peter, this isn't Jeopardy!
Peter: It isn't?
Lee: NO!
Peter: Then can you explain the rules?
Lee: Okay, but I'm only doing this once. There are nine squares, plus one
bonus box (added there to include more characters) and the object of
the game is to get three squares in a row. Peter is the 'o' and Fleur is
the 'x.' When the contestant chooses a square, the person in the
square must answer the question that is given to them. The contestant
that has chosen the square must then say either 'agree' or 'disagree'
according to the answer that the person (or people) in the square gives.
Confusing? Muhahaha, you'll get the hang of it. And now, Peter,
choose a square.
Peter: Okay. Umm… My Master and Neville for 500 (being the stupid git
that he is, Peter still doesn't understand that he's not playing
Jeopardy).
Lee: *sighs exasperatedly* You know what? Miss Delacour, you may go
first.
Peter: *in his usual whiny voice* But I won the hat pick backstage!
Lee: Do I look like I CARE? Good, because you probably cheated anyway.
Miss Delacour, you may proceed.
Fleur: Zank you. I choose Dumbly-dorr and Professor Trewlaney.
Lee: Okay, thank god you know what game we're playing. Right, well the
question is 'What was the former profession of the famous singer
Celestina Warbeck?'
Dumbledore: I believe the answer is –
Trewlaney: The fates have informed me that she was formerly a bartender
at-wait its coming… at The Leaky Cauldron!
Dumbledore: Well… that was odd… I was going to say that she was a
candy shop owner. Yes, we'll go with candy shop owner.
Trelawney: Hey, this isn't only your square!
Dumbledore: Of course it is. Because I am smarter than you by far.
Trelawney: Aaah, we rare few who possess the inner eye, so misunderstood
by our fellow beings. *she says tragically*
Fleur: Agree.
Lee: You are correct! Celistina Warbeck was the owner of Honeyknights.
That shop soon ran out of buisiness because of its similarity to
Honeydukes. X gets the square.
Mr. Pettigrew, it is now your turn. And I pray to god that you now
know what game we're playing!
Peter: *finally having caught onto the rules after much thinking* I'll take
Harry and Colin.
Lee: All right here's your question. How many years had gone by without
having 1st years at Hogwarts play Quittitch before Harry Potter?
Harry: Er… umm… Wood told me this in my 1st year but I cant remember!
Colin: Oh, I know! Harry was the first 1st year player in a century! Isn't he
amazing?! I mean I doubt I could ever do that! I-
Lee: Shut up you stupid prat! Just give the answer!
Colin: *sulking* 100 years.
Peter: Disagree.
Lee: Inncorrect! X gets the square. We'll be able after a quick break while
we help people who think certain things like Harry and Hermione are in love grow a brain.
Harry: Ewww, people actually think that? Hermione is like my best friend!
Hermione: What is their problem!
Ron:*clenches his fists and turns very red*
A/N: All right then pls review! If you have read Blossoming Love written by *hermiron778* then if you are smart you will have gathered that we are sisters. If you haven't read Blossoming Love you should! Any way pls review and don't b 2 harsh this is my first comedy fic. H/h supporters pls don't flame me cuz of my comment!