*sniffles* Izzy still turned out a little mental. ;_;
Can we say paranoid? (Why…*blinks* yes I can! ^-^;;)
*****
"Well, it really
doesn't have anything to do with Sora anymore, but I don't
give girls a second glance, because they aren't the ones that interest
me."
For one gut wrenching,
twilight zone kind of moment, I thought he was being serious with me. His eyes
were looking right at me as if he could see straight into my thoughts and see
all those questions that had been forming in my head from the first moment I'd
pressed my lips against his.
So, needless to say, when he
crossed his eyes, stuck out his tongue, and scrambled to his feet yelling
"Race ya back to the Tahoe!" I was more
than a little surprised. Who wouldn't be?!
I don't know what to think
anymore. Does he know about me? Is that why he said it? Was that just Tai's
weird, round about way of admitting to me that he knows? Or was he serious? Is
he…?
And if he is, what does that
mean for us? For me? How exactly does he think of me
when I'm around him?
I'm confused. I sigh as I
look blankly at the computer screen in front of my face.
I'll talk to Joe about it, I
decide after a long moment of contemplation. I suppose it's a little cowardly
of me to choose him out of the digidestined to talk
to, but really, I've never been one to risk much when I don't have to. Besides,
I've been toying with the idea of telling him about me for a while now. He's in
college, he was never one of the more popular kids at
school. Out of any of the digidestined, he ought to
be able to understand the best about my situation and where I'm coming from. Or
at least, I think I can trust him not to laugh at me too hard. I hope.
That and Joe's going to
school in
As for Tai, what am I
supposed to say to him? Maybe Joe can give me a little bit of advice, but
still. Tai's my best friend. If he's learned, if he isn't…Will he still want to
hang out with me? Will he tell anyone else?
Glancing at the clock, I
realize I've got about five minutes before Joe's supposed to be here to pick me
up. He comes home every other weekend, and if I don't snag a lunch with him
this weekend it'll be two weeks before I see him again.
I hear Joe's beat up old
Volkswagen pull into the driveway. Scrambling, I quickly throw on my shoes and
race out the door after saying a quick goodbye to my mother.
I come to a grinding halt,
though, as I near Joe's old yellow bug. Standing by the passenger side door is
Matt with this huge grin on his face as he pulls back his seat, giving me
access to the back. Great. Well, so much for that
plan. I try not to sigh or look disappointed. Maybe this is for the best. I'm
not really ready to tell anyone yet anyway, right? Tai was probably just joking
around with me. Pulling my leg. He doesn't know. He
can't. Right? It was just his weird sense of humor
coming through.
"Nice hair." Matt's
snickered comment pulls me back into reality and I can feel myself blushing in
embarrassment.
"Oh my
god, Izzy!
What happened to you?" Joe asks in stunned disbelief. Self-consciously I
tug at my bangs.
****
"So...did Tai get you
drunk first before you let him do that?" Matt asks me with a wide grin as
he reaches over from across the booth and grabs a few of Joe's fries.
"Hey!"
"You're allergic to
fries, remember?"
"I am not!"
I manage a wry grin as I
watch them interact. They're always picking on each other like that. Matt
shoots me an expectant look, and I can feel the embarrassed
blush flooding my cheeks. I wish I had such a legitimate excuse as
drunkenness.
"No, we were just
hanging out and it seemed like a good idea at the time." They both turn
and stare at me as if I've just emerged from a big green slimy pod. "It's
a rite of passage sort of thing. Tai and I decided to do this in an effort to
be true to our own identities, and to become more self-actualized people."
Did that just come out of my mouth?
"I think you and Tai
have been swallowing too much sea water." Matt announces as he steals a
few more fries. Joe glares at him from across the table, and I let myself relax
a little bit.
"We dyed our hair before
we went surfing." I manage to say in my most serious voice as I take a sip
of the cherry coke I ordered. For a moment there's silence, and then I look up
to see Joe and Matt struggling not to laugh. "What?"
For a dreadful second, I
wonder if they're laughing at me. Nah, I shove the little niggling doubt away
as I watch them. Joe's not like that, and as much as Matt can intimidate me on
occasion, he's not one to be cruel, right? They are my friends. So I
stare at them both in confusion.
"I can't believe you and
Tai actually call that surfing." Matt finally snickers as our food
arrives. Well, I guess he has a point there, I find myself laughing a little
bit at it too. Tai and I try. We really do. It's just that I don't think either
of us stays upright on the board for longer than five seconds. Mostly we just kind of splash around and float on our boards.
I suppose technically, it would be hard to call what we do 'surfing'.
"So," Joe speaks up
after we've had a few quiet minutes just to eat, "what'd you want to talk
about Izzy?"
Oh shit. What am I supposed
to say? 'Oh, I was wondering whether you knew if Tai was gay or not?' I don't think
so. I sneak a sideways glance at Matt as I struggle to come up with something
intelligently deceptive to say. "Um...It was just a question about Tai
that I thought you could help me with. No big deal, really. So, how was your
concert last night, Matt?" I applaud myself silently for that brilliant
change in topic.
"Concert?" Matt looks at me blankly. "What concert?"
"Tai told me you had a
concert you were giving and that's why you couldn't go to Natalie's party with
us last night." I explain to him, feeling stupider and more uncomfortable
as the seconds tick by. Tai...Tai wouldn't deliberately lie to me, would
he? But then, why would Matt lie about this?
"No, Tai told me he
wanted to go with just...ow!" Matt's yelp
catches me off guard as the blonde glares across the table at Joe.
"Maybe you just heard
him wrong, Izzy." Joe says calmly as he sticks
his fork back in his fettuccini. What the hell?
"No, I have an excellent
memory. Tai said that Matt had a concert and that Sora
had to visit her grandmother." Something is definitely going on here. I
only wish I had a clue as to what.
"Sora's at her Grandmother's? She told me she was going to catch a movie last night
since Tai didn't want us to tag along on his...ow!
That really hurts Joe!"
"Good." I think I
hear Joe mumble as he and Matt exchange glares for a moment.
"I think I'm going to
use the restroom real quick." I say before abruptly getting up from the
booth and making my way towards the back of the restaurant. Hopefully, by the
time I get back, their actions will have made sense to me. I don't think I'll
hold my breath though.
***
"Did you hear what Tai
told Claire last night?"
My hand stills on the
bathroom stall door as I recognize the voice. It's Chris, and I think I vaguely
remember him being at the party last night hanging out with Mike.
"Yeah, man, she bitched all night long about how Tai told her he was gay or
something. What a joke. Anyone with half a brain knew he was just shittin' her."
Part of my brain is insisting
that I leave before Mike and Chris say more than I want to know. I know it's rude
to eavesdrop, even if they are making it rather easy for me, but it's like I'm
frozen in place. Maybe I'm just not understanding
what's going on.
I should just gather up my
courage and leave, pretending that I don't know them, and that I didn't hear
them. But, well, a couple of minutes of waiting for them to leave won't kill
me. And it will be infinitely less awkward if I avoid seeing them at all,
right? So I'll just stay put until they go. I just wish that I didn't feel like
such a coward. God, get a grip on reality, Izzy.
"I'll bet he said it
just to get rid of her."
"No kidding. Tai, gay? Please. That little fucker he's always hanging out
with is probably gay, but Tai? There's just no way."
"He probably said it
just so he could get closer to Sora."
"Yeah, I wish I could
get in her pants, man. She's hot."
"Say, isn't she friends
with that loser nerd Tai's always around, too? That's gotta
be his in."
"Huh? Who,
Izzy?"
"Yeah, that's him. I'm tellin' ya, if one of 'em's a
fairy, it's that kid. But if Tai plays it all nice and sweet with him, Sora'll think he's one of those sentimental types and give
him a chance."
"Man, that's just
warped."
Their voices fade and I can
hear the door slam shut.
I knew they hated me, and I
know I don't do a hell of a lot to endear myself towards them. In fact, for the
most part, I try to stay as hidden as possible. I try to be as inconspicuous as
a guy with bright red hair can be. Of course, now it's a lovely fake shade of
blonde...Just one more opportunity I've given them to take shots at me.
What exactly have I done that
deserves something like this? Is it because I'm smarter and younger than them?
Is it that I suck at sports? What?
I can feel hot tears rolling
down my face, and taking a deep breath, I angrily rub them off my cheeks and
out of my eyes. So they know what I am, huh? They say it like it's something
I'm supposed to be ashamed of. As if my being gay is the reason behind the fact
that I'm such a nerd, or that I'm so uncoordinated. They swing my sexuality
around like it's some kind of insult. Like it's the final nail in the fucking
coffin of what it is that makes "Izzy"
Izumi so goddamn geeky. Like they know anything about
it.
And Tai...
Yeah, it's always been Tai.
Fine. Just fucking fine.
Does he know that I am? I'm
thinking he probably does. He never would have said that bit on the beach, if
he didn't at least suspect it from me. So, is he gay or not? Heh. Even
if he is, I know without even having to ask that he'll never see anything in
me. Who would?
I wonder if Joe and Matt
know. Did Tai tell them that I was gay?
Maybe that's what all that
crap at the table was about. Talk about too funny, right? The little genius kid
who couldn't figure out anything. I'm so emotionally clueless that I didn't
even realize that my every feeling came through on my face. God,
wasn't it just obvious that the only time I ever showed much life in my geeky
existence was around Tai. Pathetic.
I wish Tentomon
were here. I've never felt more friendless in my entire life.
Taking a deep breath, I open
the bathroom stall door and walk out. Mechanically, I wash my hands and then
walk out into the restaurant. I spot the waitress that was serving us, and
almost on autopilot, I walk over to her and pay her for my portion of the meal.
I ask her to tell Joe and Matt that I had to leave unexpectedly.
There's a gas station down
the road from the mall. I'll just walk there, and call my mom to come pick me
up. Simple, really.
***
"Izzy,
hon, are you alright?" I hear my mother's
muffled voice through the doorway.
"Yeah," I return
tiredly, "I just didn't get much sleep last night is all." She
murmurs something reassuring, but I'm not paying attention. What's the matter
with me? So Chris and Mike spout a bunch of shit. What the hell do they know
anyway?
Were they there when we were
battling Devimon? Were they there when we were trying
to find the eighth child? I shared something with the other digidestined. They needed me just like I needed them.
Something stupid like this isn't going to change their minds about me, is it?
And yeah, so maybe we are
growing up and going our different ways. And yeah, maybe we've all changed in
various ways over the years. It just wasn't feasible to imagine that we were
all going to stay the same as we grew older. Change is inevitable.
But even if
that's true...An adventure like that?
You just don't forget something like that... The memories that you make
and the people you befriend.
I flip open my laptop in an
attempt to throw it all out of my mind. I'm sick of thinking about this,
worrying about this, and obsessing over this. Time for
something new to put my mind to for a while.
Out of habit, I get online
and check my email real quick. Grinning, I can see that Mimi's finally
written me back. Where is it her family's moved to now? Her Dad's in the
military, so it changes on almost a yearly basis, but I think she's in
Hey Izzy!
I just got done writing back
to Matt, so I figured I'd write to you next. You wouldn't believe what Matt
told me! He said that Sora said that she overheard
from Tai that you might like him. So…do you? Are you gay? That's just so weird!
I always would have thought that if Tai were gay he'd end up with someone like
Matt. I mean, if you think about it, there was some chemistry there…
I slam the laptop shut
without bothering to read the rest of the email. Leave it to Mimi to be blunt
and to the gossipy point, I think angrily.
I give a dejected sigh as I
contemplate throwing my laptop across the room. There's got to be something
comforting about random acts of violence to inanimate objects or Tai wouldn't
abuse them so much whenever he gets pissed off. Gingerly, I set my laptop down
on the desk beside my bed. It's just not in my personality to vent my
frustration that way, though.
Lying back down on my bed, I
stare blankly up at the ceiling. What are the chances that Joe knows about it,
too? I'm thinking the odds are pretty good that they all know. How long,
though? How long have they known about me, and been laughing behind my back
about it?
Which makes
me wonder if they deliberately hid it from me.
I mean, how funny would that
be, right? The poor little nerd. Isn't it so hilarious
that he follows the Captain of the soccer team around like a lost little puppy. Isn't it just a goddamn hoot that he's head over
heels for someone who will never return his affections? I mean, honestly. What
would Tai Kamiya ever see in me that would be worth
the effort of giving me a chance? Mimi's right, he and Matt did have a lot of
chemistry now that I think about it. But I can only take any of that into
consideration if he's gay. I don't even know that much. Maybe this is just some
huge practical joke on me. Maybe they just think that it's funny to watch me
try and sort this out. But then, why haven't any of them said anything
about it to me?
And that's when it hits me.
I mean, how blind can I be,
right? Like I was ever a part of their group.
Destiny made me one of the digidestined and one of
their teammates. They didn't accept me as a member back then necessarily
because they wanted to, but because they had to.
And for a moment, I'm just
floored. I knew I was somewhat oblivious when it came to relationships, but
this level of delusion? Who knew I had it in me to be this blindingly naive.
So I held the Crest of
Knowledge, right? It's logical, rational even, that
they would have wanted me to be a part of the team so I could help with the
more complex problems that required extensive knowledge of computer systems and
programs. It was my job, my duty even, to do everything I could to use what I
knew to the best of my ability to get us out of the jams we got into.
I was their fucking tool.
But that's not really very
fair to them, now is it? I roll over and hug my pillow to me. We were just
kids, and in a life or death type of situation, isn't it a given that you're
going to use whatever means necessary to accomplish the main objective? They
didn't mean to use me. It just happened...I let it happen.
I mean,
is it really their fault that the holder of the Crest of Knowledge turned out
to be this geeky red haired brat? The whole digidestined
gig did not require them to befriend me. But they made the attempt at
least, right? They tried.
It's not their fault that I'm
an embarrassment.
So gradually I got left out
of things--out of different secrets and interactions--after we returned from
the digital world. They were trying to be polite about it. No one wants to end
a friendship on a sour, screamed note. It's just easier to let things drift
apart until all you really have left of the relationship is a bittersweet, fond
memory of how things used to be.
Only I was too fucking dense
to get a clue and realize what was happening in front of my own eyeballs. Way
to go, genius. Why haven't any of them said anything to me? Why should
they? I'm not that important to them. Not anymore, at least.
And Tai? What am I too him? Some little tagalong who helps him with his calc homework occasionally? The
little nerd who's always available to do something if he's bored and desperate?
I'm not his confidant. I'm just not that important. Why would I be? Me, the scrawny little gay geek. He and Matt are infinitely
more suited to each other, aren't they.
"Izzy,
phone's for you." My mother announces quietly as she opens my bedroom door
and steps in, the cordless in her hand.
"Who is it?" I ask
tiredly.
"Tai."
"Tell him I'm not
home." I mutter.
"Izzy, now really.
I already told him you were here." She reprimands me gently as she walks
over to my bed and holds out the phone.
"Fine. Then tell him that I don't want to talk to him."
I say, knowing that he can hear me. And as my mother gapes at me for a moment,
I roll over and stare at my bedroom wall, willing myself not to cry.
"He...he's busy right
now, Tai. I'll have him call you back later." My mother manages to get out
before hanging up the phone.
Like he
cares.
*****
Hmmm…well let's see, I like yogurt,
I like honey, and I like dried bananas…I guess you could put them all together
and still have it taste good. ^-^ Heehee…
Oh, and I like owe everyone
emails, I'm behind…again. ^-^;;; Sorry! And thanks
everybody for the nice reviews! ^-^