Well,
this should be new to everyone. ^-^ Thanks Ky-san for
the idea for this chapter! This was just what this story needed, and I never
would have figured that without your help.
*****
"Izzy, honey, can you get the door?" I hear my mother
yell from down the hallway, and with a great deal of reluctance I push myself
up off my bed and walk to the front door. To say that I'm not in a socializing
mood would be an understatement. Sighing, I plant what I hope looks like a
smile on my face and open the front door.
And
he's standing on the doorstop grinning back at me.
For
a moment, I just stare at him. How does he do that? How can he stand there looking
larger than life and totally at peace with himself?
"Hey Izzy, whatcha
up to?" He asks breezily as he pulls me into a headlock and moves towards the
kitchen, pulling me along. "And how come you didn't want to talk to
me?" He asks as he lets me go in favor of scrounging through our
refrigerator. Soundlessly, I slide into my chair at the kitchen table, and when
he turns to look at me, I shrug uncomfortably. He looks so at home in my
kitchen. But then, Tai would look at home just about anywhere.
"Man,
what is up with you lately, Izzy?" He asks
quizzically, pulling my attention back to the present as he plops down in the
chair opposite me, milk carton in hand. Mom hates it when he drinks out of the
carton, but it's a habit she hasn't yet managed to break him of.
As
for what's up with me? Well, where do I start? The list is endless.
"Just
been thinking." I mutter hoping that will quit that line of questioning. I
seriously don't want to talk to him right now. It's like I have a sixth sense
for knowing when I'm digging myself in too deep. This is the same feeling I had
years ago, standing at my bedroom door, listening to my parents as they
discussed me. My mind was telling me the whole time that I would be infinitely
better off just walking away from the door and climbing in bed. But I heard my
name, and my curiosity got the best of me.
Despite
the fact that I knew I shouldn't have, I listened anyway.
It's
like that voice in my head is saying to me now, 'get up, walk him to the door,
and deal with this later when you're thinking more rationally'. But morbid
curiosity holds me to the spot. I've got a lot of unanswered questions, and
it's about damn time he did some sharing.
"Well
don't hurt yourself or anything." He says with an odd look as I realize
I've been staring off into space for the last couple of minutes. Predictably, I
flush and he chuckles before guzzling what's left of the milk.
"Why'd
you dare me to kiss you, Tai?" The question comes out very quietly, but
from the way his hand stills on the carton, I know he's heard me.
"It
was a dare," he says a bit uneasily, as I stare at him. "I didn't
think you'd actually do it."
"So,
what you're saying is that you didn't think I'd actually have the guts to do
it." I state in a surprisingly calm voice. I can't believe him! He dared
me because he didn't think I'd accept?! Like I'm some sort of
spineless weak-willed twit who would never dare to do something of a
questionable nature. Like I'm someone to be pitied!
"C'mon, Izzy. Let's go see a movie."
I
want to scream in frustration as he jerks out of his chair abruptly and throws
open the fridge door to put the empty carton back in. Mom can't stand it when
he does that either.
God,
I hate it when he skirts around things like this. If I could get myself to yell
at him, or accuse him outright, he'd jump at the chance to fight. Heaven knows
I've watched him and Matt go at it enough times just like that. But because I'm
me and I don't feel the need to turn everything I say into an accusation or a
challenge, he can just brush it off like it doesn't matter. If he doesn't want
to talk about it, he'll just change the subject and avoid it altogether.
"I'm
not in the mood to go out." God, I'm sick of this little game we keep
playing. I need some time to just sit back and do everything in my power to
pretend and convince myself that this weekend just didn't happen.
"Well
then, why don't we just stay in and watch a video or something?"
"Tai…"
I try again, struggling to be polite.
"Or
we could go play ping pong in your garage. C'mon Izzy.
I'm bored. Let's do something!"
I
glare at him, completely pissed now. He's bored. That's why he's here?!
Because he's bored?! Of course, it wasn't until this moment that I
realize I've been harboring some kind of false hope that he really is here
because he wants to be with me. But no, that's not why he's here, is it?
He's just here to have a good time, to laugh it up now and not worry about
anything else. Like my feelings, or what I might think about his stupid little
joke back there on the beach.
I
mean, what exactly is going through his head? 'Oh, Izzy's
gay, how funny is that? Haha…Okay, not worth my time, moving on…' I'll
bet it didn't even cross his mind that I might have deeper feelings for him.
Like how could some one like me ever expect to be with someone like him?
Especially when he could have someone like Matt…
"Okay,
let me get this straight. You're here because you're bored?" I ask coldly,
looking him straight in the eye. He kind of tilts his head and nods with a
semi-frown.
"Yeah…
Izzy, you okay?"
"No!
No, I'm not okay!" Well, that did it. I finally lost my temper. "I've
just really had a crappy weekend, okay, Tai. And at the moment, I really don't
want to sit here and just be entertainment for you, all right? I've got
a lot on my mind, and I think you should leave." I'm almost impressed by
how forceful I made that sound.
"Izzy, what's your problem, man? Is this about what I said
back at the beach?" He laughs uncomfortably. "I was just kidding,
dude."
"So
it's all just one big joke to you." I snarl out as I shoot him a nasty
look and walk out of the kitchen towards the front door.
"What the hell's that supposed to mean?!" Oh, now he gets
pissed. Fine. I guess I did start this little fight. I
mean, after all, why would he bother? I'm just not that important to him,
right? Why would he bother wasting his time worrying over what geeky little me
might be thinking or feeling?
"It
means whatever you want it to fucking mean." I fling the front door open
and glare at him. "I've had it with this, Kamiya. I'm sick of being the brunt of jokes like
that. And I've had it with being your fall back friend. Go find someone else to
pester."
"Why
are you being so weird like this? And what jokes?! I was just horsing around at
the beach. It didn't mean anything!" He sounds angry and confused
and almost desperate. And I'm being weird? At least everything I've done
so far makes sense. Nothing he has done even remotely begins to fit a logical
pattern. I gesture him out the door, and he
takes a few reluctant steps until he's standing on the door jam.
"That's
just it. It didn't mean anything to you. It never does. You never stop to think
about how what you do might affect someone else. I mean, this entire weekend,
did you ever stop once to think about how I might feel about all this? I know
that to you, I'm just this computer nerd with no life. And okay, so maybe
you're right about that, too. Maybe I am just an embarrassment to you and the
rest of the digidestined. I'm sorry I didn't figure
out sooner that I was just messing up everyone's style by tagging along, I'm a little slow that way." I sneer at him as
he takes a small step backwards, putting him completely outside the doorway.
"Izzy, what are you…I mean, how could you think…What--"
"Just
stop it, Tai!" I yell, cutting off his stuttered attempts at sympathetic
pity. I've had enough of that from him to last a lifetime. Besides, that's not
what really hurts the most, anyway. "How did you think I was going
to take that kiss or what you said at the beach? So you knew I was gay. There
are a lot less cruel ways to ask me questions about it, you know. And maybe for
a while there, I had deluded myself into thinking we were best friends, but
friends don't do that sort of thing to each other. I don't know what kind of
game you were playing, or what the goals were, but I'm done playing around. I'm
done being an amusement for you."
His
mouth moves wordlessly for a moment, and that's just enough time for my brain
to register that I do not want to hear what he's going to say in response.
It'll only make everything hurt that much more than it already does. So before
he can manage a word, I slam the door in his face, and my hands are shaking as
I flip the lock.
"Izzy?"
I
jump, and then turn to see my mother watching me from the end of the hallway.
Fuck. How much of that did she hear? From the look on her face, I'm guessing
she probably heard most of it. I…I just can't handle this anymore.
"I'm
going to my room." I tell her quietly. "I really don't want to talk
to Tai right now, so please don't let him back in?" I plead. She gives a
kind of dazed nod that I take as acceptance, and then I race to my room,
slamming the door behind me before I bury my face into my pillow.
What
was I thinking? Why did I say all of that? What is my mother thinking? I
mean, I knew I was going to have to tell them someday. I was just hoping that
someday didn't come until I was like thirty. Well, I guess it's at least a
relief that she didn't fly into hysterics right there in the hallway right?
That has to be a good sign. I think my parents will understand.
As for Tai? Not only is he going to hate me now, he's never going to speak
to me again. I know he and Matt argue all the time. And I know that they're
forever forgiving each other for the stupid things that they say. But I've
never argued with him like that before. It wasn't in the farce of our
relationship to bicker like that.
And
when I do fight, it's usually got a ring of finality to it. Like this.
I
never should have said any of it. I should have just kept my mouth shut and
agreed to go with him to the stupid movies. Maybe he never considered me his
best friend, but he really was mine.
He's
been my best friend for years. We helped paint the principal's house together.
He was my partner in crime when we dyed the mean next-door neighbor's cat pink.
I laughed with him when he stole a pair of Matt's boxers out of his gym locker
and strung them up the school's flagpole for the fangirls
to see. And I laughed at him when Matt retaliated by passing out flyers of Tai
in only his underwear. It was a photo Kari had snapped during one of the
mornings we'd had together in the digital world, and I'm not certain if Tai
ever forgave her for giving it to Matt.
Not
that it matters; I'm never going to be talking to him again. I don't mean
anything to him and I never have.