Nameless Soldiers
Soldier's Redemption
We are nameless soldiers without direction, without instruction, without depth. We are seen by our mentors as pawns in the great game of war, casualties forgotten in the heat of battle. I know I will always be merely a shell to implant orders in. I used to be just that.
Not since I met her had I realized just how much a single human life can be worth— or how little. I have always aimed to please those who were my only images of life— the military trainers and scientists I knew as a child. Earning praise meant me fulfilling my mission with utmost dedication and accomplishment. I learned to discipline myself harsher than any other person could.
I failed on one account, and she was there to catch me. I said she was in my way, but she refused to be deterred, believing in rightness more than orders. Suddenly, I wanted to escape my life of imprisonment and find a personality. She did that to me. I couldn't let her die. She had given me meaning, even when I didn't realize it.
On this cold, rainy day I hold her tight in comfort as she cries against me. Everything that was left for her is gone, here, in a simple blast of fire and wind. I wish there was something I could do to take away the pain, but I can only sit helpless with my arms around her. No one died, but she lost everything that meant something to her.
My words just days ago come back to me. Despite everything my soldier's instinct tells me is right, I can't just leave her behind. I tried to end it when I first sensed my emotions coming into play, but seemingly even the Powers That Be wouldn't separate us. Her passion for life amazed me. How could someone see so much beauty in a world that's so ugly? I'd often think she was trying hard to shield herself from reality, but I finally realized what it really was. Seeing beauty in everything is difficult. Those who have that gift are rare and difficult to intimidate. That is why she was so stubborn. She saw the beauty in me that I could never have found.
I pushed myself so hard to earn praise, approval, but never once did I get my own satisfaction. Exacting that, I was so easily manipulated.
That is the ultimate, most evil definition of selflessness.
I can't understand how I was able to put myself through such torture. When she leapt in front of me despite the danger to herself and my constant threats, I saw a bit of myself in such a sweet person. Then, I saw that she was happy she'd saved such a worthless bit of skin and bone like me!
That is the most pure definition of selflessness.
Sometimes I wonder who I would have been, had I been raised with more of a mixture. Would I be a moralistic warrior or a cold-hearted, unmotivated boy? I know it sounds contradictory, which is why I know it didn't happen that way. So many sit idle with their great dreams and never go and achieve them. Before I had dreams, I had bravery. Bravery plus motivation is courage. Now I have courage. She gave me courage, gave me dreams.
I love her more than I could ever say, so I hold her in her time of weakness, her guardian, as she has been mine. I know the others can see me, and I know they all have their own thoughts, about us; Their opinions of our love and how we show it. None of them are entirely innocent. They have no right to tell us who we are, as I have never had the right to form my own opinions. I laugh. No, they can say all they want. That doesn't mean we're going to change.
She hears me laugh and smiles. The tears have stopped, and the rain is washing them away. She grieves over what has been lost, but never was she angry with those who did it. I am, knowing that they cause the one person I care about so much pain, but her forgiving twists my heart into forgetting.
She thanks me for being with her, but I deserve no thanks. I stopped repaying all she's done for me long ago, and this is the only way I can show that I feel, that I will be forever devoted to the girl who gave so much to save my soul.
We are all nameless soldiers, reaching and straining for that bright light at the end of the tunnel— only to find that's it's the headlamp of another oncoming train. I finally found that light, but only because she pointed me to it.