As soon as he'd done it John Carter regretted it. This had to be on his list of worst things he'd ever done and kissing Abby Lockhart after admitting his feelings for her rated pretty much high up on the list. In fact Carter had told himself that when he had ended his friendship with Abby two weeks ago it had been for the best, for both of them but as he pondered on his thoughts he knew he had made things much worse. How could he ever face her again? And he wouldn't blame her if she never spoke to him again. When was he going to get it? She already has a boyfriend and if she had any romantic feelings for him wouldn't he at least have a clue by now. Well if the kiss was anything to go by. She hadn't pulled back straight away so technically it did count as a proper kiss but then when she had pulled away she got this look on her face that said that this is wrong and it was then that Carter realised that acting on impulse was not a good thing.
He hadn't spoken to Abby since the kiss, of course he saw her at work but things were far from normal. Carter knew that if he didn't say anything to her then it wasn't likely things were going to get sorted but what was there to sort out? Was he just going to make an even bigger fool of himself in front of her, if that was at all possible? Would he be satisfied when she blatantly shouted it out to him that she loved Luka and had no intention of splitting up with him? All these thoughts were making Carter nauseous as he realised he hadn't eaten anything today. He'd rushed out this morning without even having coffee because he was late for a drugs meeting, ones he thought he should keep going to at least for a few more months. Maybe he should have gone to a relationships meeting instead because he had drifted away into another world right in the middle of the meeting. He had been thinking about when he'd kissed Abby how it had felt to feel her lips on his. It sent shivers up his spine just thinking about it. Anyway back to the present Carter needed to do something useful with his time. When he wasn't at work all he thought about was Abby. Why couldn't she just give him a chance to allow herself to love him back? Why??
~ ~ ~
"………….John's different from anyone I've ever known before. We became so close in a really short time…………….. I remember last year um………………. when I was a med student at County General and I met John. I really respected him for who he was, a really good doctor. Someone I could look up to you know. I guess that's why I reported him for drug abuse because I knew he had to face up to it sooner or later otherwise he'd lose his job and damage his health………he's a good person………….but all this is just………. I don't know I guess what I'm trying to say is I can't handle it all, that's why I'm here. I really need some advice, any advice." Abby felt a little bit better after getting a few things off her chest even if it was to a complete stranger at least they wouldn't take sides. She didn't like the idea of being stuck in a confined space with some shrink but it was the best she was going to get at such short notice.
"Okay" the shrink continued "well you mentioned you have a boyfriend…let's talk about him. Give me a bit of an insight into your relationship with your boyfriend."
"Luka…well where do I start…Luka he's. ……he's caring and compassionate; he's always supported me. He's hard to understand sometimes and he can't seem to read my moods as easily as I'd like him to. I guess I have been shutting him out especially since this situation with John. I feel so guilty like I actually am cheating on Luka when I'm not!!!"
"Do you feel that if you continue to spend time with John you may start feeling something more for him than you actually do?"
Abby looked at the shrink in disgust and thought to herself. What kind of a question is that?
"Um…my spending time with him isn't the issue. I care for him. I just…well I feel like ……I don't know what I feel…I don't want to have to analyse my every move you know. I just want to be normal, with John and with Luka."
"Well it's obvious that you don't want your friendship with John to end"
"Of course not, but he told me he loved me?" Abby hoped the shrink wasn't noting the agitation in her voice."………..and then he kissed me." Abby paused to think about the kiss and how it had made her feel. It had been a nice kiss…no what was she thinking.
"How did you feel when he kissed you?" Abby was taken aback by this question.
"How did I feel? Well I guess it was unexpected and I didn't exactly stop it."
"So you let him kiss you?"
"No I mean, I did try to stop it but it took me a minute to realise that he was actually kissing me."
She hoped that hadn't sounded really stupid. How could you not know when someone was kissing you? She was losing it and this stupid shrink wasn't helping.
"So what did you do after you pulled back from the kiss…and how did he react."
"He didn't react I guess because I ran off. What was I supposed to do?"
"And you say you haven't spoken to him since then."
"Well apart from at work when we don't have a choice you know when dealing with patients but other than that no."
"Have you been waiting for him to approach you?"
"No I just haven't wanted to face up to it that's all. I know that sounds dumb."
"Well you know what they say if you avoid a situation it doesn't get any better just worse."
Abby was now convinced that this woman was just NOT doing her job. I mean talk about negative advice. She already knew how worse the situation was. She didn't need to hear it from someone else. Maybe it was time to call it a day.
"Um you know what. I just remembered I have to be in at work early today, some sort of meeting. I should go."
"Very well, maybe next time when we have longer we can talk more. I've made some notes so I shan't forget what you've already told me." Abby politely said goodbye and as soon as she was out the door she sighed with relief.
"That is one b***ch I don't want to see again!!"
~ ~ ~
As she entered County General later that day Luka greeted her. He gave her a warm appreciative hug.
"I missed you," he whispered.
"Well I haven't been gone that long." Abby answered.
"I know but it feels like I haven't seen you for so long." He kissed her lightly on the lips.
"Luka not here. People are watching." He ignored her and continued to kiss her.
"Luka!"
Abby wasn't actually worried about people seeing them together, just one person in particular but Carter didn't seem to be around anywhere. Still she wasn't much of a public display of affections kind of person. Luka stopped kissing her and stroked her face.
"You know I can come by tonight cook you dinner."
"You don't have to do that"
"I want to"
"Okay I'll think about it"
Before he could say anything more Abby headed off.
~ ~ ~
"Hey Mark………Mark" Carter had entered the lounge at County General later that day. Mark was the only person in there. He was slumped into one of the seats half asleep.
"Mark" Carter repeated. Hearing his voice Mark got up rather abrubtly.
"Oh it's you…what time is it?" he asked Carter.
"3:30…you supposed to be on right now"
"No………I'm going home."
"Oh right"
"I um must have fallen asleep, thanks for waking me" saying that Mark got up and left leaving Carter in the lounge alone.
He was pouring himself a cup of coffee a few minutes later when the door burst open. It was Abby. She was surprised to see him. He turned back to his coffee.
"Has Dr. Greene been in here?" she asked him.
"Um yeah he just left."
"Okay………." She turned to leave.
"Um Abby…………"
"Yes"
"Can we talk?"
"Um I don't know" she said trying to sound casual
"I think we need to talk"
"Okay"
"Have you got a minute?"
"No, I'm busy I have to get back to a patient…maybe later"
"I really just wanted to say I was sorry about the other day"
"We'll talk later"
"Well I get off at 7 so call me"
"Sure" Abby said before walking out.
~ ~ ~
…call me Abby thought as she walked back to her patient. Was he inviting her over to his place? Was that something she was willing to do right now?
"Abby, I need you do see Mr. Horton in exam 1.He needs help to go to the bathroom" Dr. Weaver told her as she walked by.
"I was just finishing up in……….."
"Curtain 3 I know we got that covered."
"Fine" Abby muttered.
~ ~ ~
"Thanks for coming by…" Carter said that evening as Abby entered his apartment.
"That's okay" she replied.
"Here let me take your coat…have a seat? Can I get you a drink or anything?"
"No I'm okay"
"So um…well as I said before I wanted to apologise for um…kissing you like that. I realise that it was totally inappropriate and uncalled for…and I don't know what came over me"
"Why did you wait a whole week to tell me this?" Abby answered a little frustration creeping up in her voice.
"What?" he was a little taken back by her attitude.
"We have been successfully avoiding each other for a weeks now and if all you wanted to do was apologise than we would have solved this sooner" Abby was convinced she was handling this all wrong, this is not what she wanted to say.
"Solved this…right okay………" Carter shook his head in confusion
"Carter I really don't get you. I mean there we are you know we have the perfect friendship and now…"
"Your blaming me…I told you I can't help the way I feel." he looked down at his hands and clasped them together. He felt a tear sting his eye.
"I should go." Abby said noticing how uncomfortable she was making him
"No look don't go…I mean we haven't resolved this"
"I don't think we are going to resolve this Carter, we're just going round in circles."
"Abby I wish there was a way for me to stop feeling this way about you. I hate to see you unhappy."
"And I hate to see you unhappy" Abby finished. For the first time in weeks they were actually acknowledging to each other how hurt they both were and both of them were feeling for the other. Abby felt like hugging him like she would to a teddy bear. She wanted to ease his pain, somehow. She wondered if he was feeling the same. She stepped closer to him and looked into his eyes. All she saw was a man deep in pain…so deep in love……….with her and then she couldn't help herself, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. She realised that she had tears in her eyes. He was holding onto her too. After a few seconds Abby thought she better break the hug but Carter stopped her.
"Just hold me Abby"
"I have to go"
"No it's okay…I just want to feel you that's all. Just for a while longer."
That night Abby didn't go home. At 3:30 am she was sitting in Carter's apartment on the couch stroking his hair. He'd fallen asleep on her lap and she didn't want to wake him. He looked so peaceful. She should have left when she had a chance, after they had broken from the hug. Carter had urged her to stay longer. He told her he wouldn't try and make a pass at her he just didn't want to be alone. Abby was so glad she'd cancelled her plans with Luka. The funny thing was she didn't feel bad about cancelling her plans to be with Luka so she and Carter could talk, so she had stayed and now she knew she had to go but somehow she spent the next few hours watching Carter sleep.