bIf These Weapons Could Talk by Davin Nation/b
p(Silly Fan Fic about Xena and Gabrielle's weapons and their take on the adventures.)
pChakram: Well, you know Xena could never have been the Warrior Princess without me. I defined
who she was. I should be the one with all the fame and glory, but instead, all I get to do is
hang at someone's side and be hurled around and bounced off of things. Do they even consider
how dizzy I get? I think not. At least now Gabrielle has me. She doesn't throw me as hard as
Xena does. Plus she, grabs me by the handle in my middle. hehehe! It tickles! My fondest
memory of Xena was when she defended me when Gabrielle used me to cut open a fish. Whew! was
that ever a smell! Sure, I'll miss Xena, but it's not like I'm done with the adventures. I
have Gabrielle. If you were to ask me who's thigh I would rather be rubbing up against, I
couldn't answer...right away. You know, I never felt like I was apperciated enough. Except
when Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Eli, and Amarice risked their lives for me. They risked their
lives to put me back together after Callisto split me in two over Xena's back. That really
hurt, by the way. I don't know how many times I've apologized to Xena for that one, but it
wasn't really my fault. That Callisto bitch was pretty rough with me! Before that day I was all
about darkness. I wanted to kill. So many times I wished Xena would cut off someone's head
with me. But then, she merged me with another chakram, the chakram of light. Now I'm like Xena
was. An eternal mix of both good and evil. And you know, I don't think they ever realized
how weird it felt for me to come apart like that and go back together. It was like doing the
splits, only not. Bottom line, without me I doubt Xena would've been so cool. Now Gabby's out
to make a name for herself, and it will mostly be because of me! ME!
pSword: (Muffled) Well, I can't really talk too well, considering I'm kinda buried now. I don't
get it. I've traveled with Xena for years! Now all of a sudden she feels I'm not good enough?!
Oooh, look at the big bad Katana. Ha! I could take her! I don't get why I can't travel with
Gabrielle like Chakram! So, there you have it. Xena's legendary sword, tossed out like
Warrior Princess garbage. I'll tell you, I've saved her life more than that damn chakram! And
what the hell is that? I spinning disc, ooh scary! I can't believe Xena left me for a stupid
Katana! But, did you see her blade? (whistles) Whew! yeah, baby! Oh, and that handle! YEAH!
pSais: Dizzy? Yeah we get dizzy quite often. Do you see how that blonde twirls us around? And
she uses our heads to hit people. Why not use our blades and finish them off?! That's what
we were made for! If all she wanted to do was knock people out with us, she should've stuck
with that staff. Oh, yes we heard about...that STAFF!
pSmoke Blower: I'm not surprised you don't know who I am. Gabrielle only used me for a couple
episodes. I blew white smoke stuff in people's faces. It was kewl! That was when Gabrielle
decided she didn't need to fight anymore. Then you never saw me again. Whatever happend to me?
pStaff: Yep, I'm the Staff...just...floating here in the river in India. Forget that Ephiny
gave me to her, just throw me out she did. She decided she wasn't going to fight. I heard
stories of her and her sais. Out with the old, huh? I was a perfectly good weapons, why didn't
she come back for me? I thought her and I were a team! She used me so well! Oh, Xena
used me a couple times. Like when Gabrielle and some slavers were kidnapped by those yellow
children of the sun guys. Or my favorite, when Xena needed me to make measurements on where
her chakram would go so she could stop the day from repeating. I was an important part of the
team, or so I thought. Now I just float here for birds to land on. Hey! Get off of me!
pWhip: You didn't see me much. In fact, I wasn't there unless I was needed. Kinda like Tiger
on the Brady Bunch. Oh, I can't tell you how fun it was to snap back at Minya! She finally
learned to use me though. And then for some reason, I found myself back with Xena when she had
to save Eli from Tataka. Yeah, we had some good times, me and Xena. I'll really miss her.
pBoot Dagger: No Comment! I don't want to do any interviews! Fine! Callisto used me to
kill Theodorus when she was in Xena's body, that's all I remember. Go away!
pBreast Dagger: (SMILES) Now you know...that I am the happiest weapon that Xena ever carried!
It was great. I wasn't used very much, but that's okay. I was happy where I was. Inbetween
Xena's breasts. If any human ever went there, she'd kill them. So I was lucky to be a dagger!
A Breast Dagger! Too bad she's dead now. She buried me with her Sword and my best friend,
Breast Plate.
pThere you have it. Their side of the story. Perhaps Xena would not have been a Warrior Princess,
nor Gabrielle a Battling Bard, without these props--I mean weapons!
p(Silly Fan Fic about Xena and Gabrielle's weapons and their take on the adventures.)
pChakram: Well, you know Xena could never have been the Warrior Princess without me. I defined
who she was. I should be the one with all the fame and glory, but instead, all I get to do is
hang at someone's side and be hurled around and bounced off of things. Do they even consider
how dizzy I get? I think not. At least now Gabrielle has me. She doesn't throw me as hard as
Xena does. Plus she, grabs me by the handle in my middle. hehehe! It tickles! My fondest
memory of Xena was when she defended me when Gabrielle used me to cut open a fish. Whew! was
that ever a smell! Sure, I'll miss Xena, but it's not like I'm done with the adventures. I
have Gabrielle. If you were to ask me who's thigh I would rather be rubbing up against, I
couldn't answer...right away. You know, I never felt like I was apperciated enough. Except
when Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Eli, and Amarice risked their lives for me. They risked their
lives to put me back together after Callisto split me in two over Xena's back. That really
hurt, by the way. I don't know how many times I've apologized to Xena for that one, but it
wasn't really my fault. That Callisto bitch was pretty rough with me! Before that day I was all
about darkness. I wanted to kill. So many times I wished Xena would cut off someone's head
with me. But then, she merged me with another chakram, the chakram of light. Now I'm like Xena
was. An eternal mix of both good and evil. And you know, I don't think they ever realized
how weird it felt for me to come apart like that and go back together. It was like doing the
splits, only not. Bottom line, without me I doubt Xena would've been so cool. Now Gabby's out
to make a name for herself, and it will mostly be because of me! ME!
pSword: (Muffled) Well, I can't really talk too well, considering I'm kinda buried now. I don't
get it. I've traveled with Xena for years! Now all of a sudden she feels I'm not good enough?!
Oooh, look at the big bad Katana. Ha! I could take her! I don't get why I can't travel with
Gabrielle like Chakram! So, there you have it. Xena's legendary sword, tossed out like
Warrior Princess garbage. I'll tell you, I've saved her life more than that damn chakram! And
what the hell is that? I spinning disc, ooh scary! I can't believe Xena left me for a stupid
Katana! But, did you see her blade? (whistles) Whew! yeah, baby! Oh, and that handle! YEAH!
pSais: Dizzy? Yeah we get dizzy quite often. Do you see how that blonde twirls us around? And
she uses our heads to hit people. Why not use our blades and finish them off?! That's what
we were made for! If all she wanted to do was knock people out with us, she should've stuck
with that staff. Oh, yes we heard about...that STAFF!
pSmoke Blower: I'm not surprised you don't know who I am. Gabrielle only used me for a couple
episodes. I blew white smoke stuff in people's faces. It was kewl! That was when Gabrielle
decided she didn't need to fight anymore. Then you never saw me again. Whatever happend to me?
pStaff: Yep, I'm the Staff...just...floating here in the river in India. Forget that Ephiny
gave me to her, just throw me out she did. She decided she wasn't going to fight. I heard
stories of her and her sais. Out with the old, huh? I was a perfectly good weapons, why didn't
she come back for me? I thought her and I were a team! She used me so well! Oh, Xena
used me a couple times. Like when Gabrielle and some slavers were kidnapped by those yellow
children of the sun guys. Or my favorite, when Xena needed me to make measurements on where
her chakram would go so she could stop the day from repeating. I was an important part of the
team, or so I thought. Now I just float here for birds to land on. Hey! Get off of me!
pWhip: You didn't see me much. In fact, I wasn't there unless I was needed. Kinda like Tiger
on the Brady Bunch. Oh, I can't tell you how fun it was to snap back at Minya! She finally
learned to use me though. And then for some reason, I found myself back with Xena when she had
to save Eli from Tataka. Yeah, we had some good times, me and Xena. I'll really miss her.
pBoot Dagger: No Comment! I don't want to do any interviews! Fine! Callisto used me to
kill Theodorus when she was in Xena's body, that's all I remember. Go away!
pBreast Dagger: (SMILES) Now you know...that I am the happiest weapon that Xena ever carried!
It was great. I wasn't used very much, but that's okay. I was happy where I was. Inbetween
Xena's breasts. If any human ever went there, she'd kill them. So I was lucky to be a dagger!
A Breast Dagger! Too bad she's dead now. She buried me with her Sword and my best friend,
Breast Plate.
pThere you have it. Their side of the story. Perhaps Xena would not have been a Warrior Princess,
nor Gabrielle a Battling Bard, without these props--I mean weapons!