I Came Back To Help You
I'm sitting in a dimly lit room of a run-down hotel on the edge of town. I've been here for two days. Everything I've eaten is cruddy room service food that makes me feel sick. Anything I order for her goes uneaten. Yeah. Her. I got a phone call a while ago that she was in this hotel and hadn't come out, and I knew it was back. The disease.
A long time ago she was diagnosed as bipolar. Manic-depressive disorder, easily treated with medication and constant monitoring. She could've been living normally, just like anyone else, but of course, she's not like anyone else.
Sora never was.
We'd dated in high school for a while, but I'd lost contact with her over the years. It wasn't the fault of the disease, just that we'd drifted apart and gone our separate ways. After high school, she stayed home in Odaiba, I decided to travel the world. I never forgot about her. Every day I would wake up in the morning and think, Where is Sora now? I'd wonder what she was doing, the places she was going, and the things she was learning and the people she was meeting. Little did I know she was doing nothing of the sort.
I returned home briefly in the summer I was twenty-seven, hoping to reunite with friends and family. I met up with almost everyone, but Sora had seemed to disappear. I went to her apartment, but she wasn't there. Her mother hadn't heard from her in months. She'd seemed to just… disappear, and I was scared. Sora apparently hadn't been going to work or school either, and hadn't left any indication of where she was going. We were all scared.
"Tai, calm down," Matt had tried to tell me.
"I can't calm down! Sora's gone, she's missing, she has disappeared into thin air!" I cried frantically.
"We called the police, they're putting out a missing person's notice now," Izzy assured me. "We'll find her."
I collapsed on the couch at my parent's apartment and sighed. Maybe TV would help. I flipped through the channels. News. I stopped at the usual channel I watched and let the events from around the world sink in. Nothing seemed as important as finding Sora.
"A local woman has been reported missing after two months of independent searching by her family and friends," the news anchor announced. I perked up. "Twenty-two-year-old Sora Takenouchi was last seen at her Odaiba home May fifteenth. After not hearing from her for two months, her mother and friends called police. Takenouchi is five foot six, with long red hair…" I listened to her describe Sora and felt myself slowly breaking down. Then they showed a picture of her, smiling and happy. "… Takenouchi suffers from bipolar disorder and requires constant medication. It is believed that she does not have her medication with her. If you see her, call Odaiba Police at 555-8945."
"That was quick," Matt commented.
I was silent. Gone… she was gone… I couldn't take it. For the next five days I hardly slept. At night I drove around town trying to find her. During the day I checked every hotel, every motel, bed and breakfast, any place she could be staying. It became an obsession. Every day it was get up, grab breakfast, look for Sora, and sleep. Somehow during the time I was looking for Sora I managed to eat, but not often. Finally Kari convinced me to leave it alone for a while.
"The more you look for her, the less chance you have of finding her," she told me. "Maybe if you stop looking for a while she'll show up."
I was so desperate I figured it'd actually work. Day six was spent catching up on sleep and eating. Day seven, her mother got a phone call from the police station. A hotel manager had called the police when Sora hadn't left her room after the maximum of three weeks or paid any of the money. He recognized her as the woman on the news when the report was re-aired the night before. Mrs. Takenouchi immediately called me, and I went straight to the hotel.
The entire place seemed crappy. The paint was peeling, the furniture looked like it was from decades ago (and probably was), and I could swear I saw a rat in the parking lot.
"Can you tell me what room Sora Takenouchi is in?" I asked the receptionist.
"You mean the wild one?" she said, snapping her gum. "Don't think you want to go up there."
"I'm her… she's my best friend," I said. "I need to see her."
The receptionist raised an eyebrow. "Two fifteen. She probably won't let you in." She slid a room key across the desk and wished me luck. I walked quickly to the elevator and clicked the button impatiently. The second floor hall was gloomy and in as bad repair as the lobby. I couldn't believe Sora would be here, but it was probably all she could afford.
I knocked on the door of 215. "Sora? Sora, it's Tai. Tai Kamiya. Can I come in?" Silence. I knocked again. "Sora?" Nothing. I stuck the key in the lock and opened the door before pausing for a moment. I guess I was afraid of what I'd see when I went inside, but I went in anyway. "Sora?"
The floor was littered with garbage and junk: clothes, fast food containers, papers, cushions, pillows, shoes. The television was on some infomercial, and there, curled up on the bed, was Sora. Her hair was now long and tangled, and she lay with her head on the wrong end of the bed with blankets that were lying around her in a disheveled pattern. It took all I had not to start crying. This was not the Sora I knew.
I walked around to the side of the bed she was lying on and crouched down in front of her. She was awake, staring off into space, but when I went over she looked me in the eyes. I didn't say anything. She didn't say anything. But those few moments where our gazes locked sounded so deafening that I couldn't take it anymore. I reached out my hand and brushed a lock of hair out of her eyes, an action to which she didn't respond. "Sora… say something."
"Fuck you."
At least she talked to me.
"Come on Sora. Let's go home." I put my hand on her shoulder and tried to pull her up.
"No. Fuck off." She pushed at me sleepily and rolled over.
"Sora, people are worried about you. I'm going to take you home," I told her.
"Fuck off!" she yelled. "I don't want you to take me anywhere!"
"Sora I-"
"Don't touch me you bastard! Get the fuck out!" She grabbed a pillow and threw it at me, narrowly missing my face.
I remember this Sora. The angry Sora, who hated the world and insisted on being left alone all the time. She didn't come out very often, but when she did I was scared. This wasn't the time to be scared though. Sora needed me, whether she wanted to admit it or not.
I took a deep breath and sat on the bed, her back to me. "Sora, listen to me," I said. "Please don't get upset. You can't stay here."
"Says who?" she muttered.
"Says me. Now, you can either get up, go downstairs with me and I'll take you home, or I'll take you down there," I told her firmly. "I recommend you pick the first option."
She didn't move. "I'm not going out like this."
"Then get cleaned up." Nothing. "Fine then. I'll do it for you." I was hoping that would shock her into getting up, but she obviously thought I was serious.
"Go ahead."
"So I will," I said in a tone just as sharp as her own. I got up and went to the bathroom to start a bath for her. I noticed my hands shaking as I turned the knobs and felt the water temperature. Was I scared? More nervous actually. It wasn't like Sora and I hadn't… done anything. We had done something. A lot of somethings actually, especially during our senior year. So why was I so tense? Maybe it was the distance. We'd been apart too long…
I dumped half a bottle of hotel bubble bath underneath the running water.
"All right Sora, bath time," I said, carrying her into the bathroom and sitting her on the floor. She flopped over like a rag doll, so I leaned her against me as I started to undress her. My fingers started shaking again. She wasn't helping.
"My, my, doesn't this seem familiar?" she said. "Are you doing this because you love me Tai?" She had a tone to her voice like she was trying to taunt me with the memories her words induced.
"I'm not proud of those things Sora," I told her, pulling the sweatshirt she wore over her head.
"Oh, but you should be, Tai," Sora said dramatically. "You know what everyone thought about it."
"They weren't supposed to know."
"And I fucked up for telling them. You think I fucked up don't you? My stupid disease fucked up everything for both of us," she said. "It's all my fault and you know it."
"Sora, it wasn't your fault. I don't blame you for anything," I told her. My fingers trembled almost violently as I unclasped her bra and slid the straps off her shoulders.
"You should."
I sighed as I picked her up and carefully placed her in the water, submerging her under the bubbles. She leaned back in the tub and looked at me with a vicious expression in her eyes. What was that? A glint of appreciation? Did she, somewhere in her heart, want me here? "I'm not going to blame you for something you had no control over," I said. I was kneeling at the side of the bathtub, arms crossed as I leaned on the edge. I looked nowhere but her eyes, even though she was staring off into space again.
As I said, I'm not proud of what I did. Rather, what we did. I'm not going to go into the details, but I'll say that it involved the two of us and a weekend in a very remote location with nothing but the clothes on our backs and my car. It was complete spontaneity combined with her as-yet undiagnosed disease that resulted in everyone being incredibly worried and both of us feeling very sneaky and maybe a little bit guilty. There was a scary period for a while after when we thought Sora might be pregnant, but she wasn't. In a fit of mania Sora ended up telling the entire school about it, ironically the day before her diagnosis.
Afterwards she got the medication and seemed to go back to the Sora we all knew. But after the prom, Sora confessed that she'd tried to commit suicide three times and had sunk into the clutches of anorexia and bulimia. She felt too restrained by her medication, the constant visits to the doctor and her mother's overprotective nature. Later she told me that the eating disorders were her way of having some control over her life. Sora was feeling like she didn't have any say in how she was living, and by suppressing what she ate she felt like she was finally gaining an anchor, so to speak. She spent a month in a rehab center and almost had to repeat the year, but we all helped her catch up so she could graduate.
I don't know why we didn't say goodbye after high school. I was leaving. I'd been accepted into a program that would take me all over the world for four years in place of a traditional college. It was incredibly difficult to get into, and I naturally jumped at the chance. Everyone was excited, although sad that I'd be leaving and I'd only be home twice a year. Sora seemed… indifferent. I distinctly remember the conversation we'd had.
"So you're leaving," she said.
"Yeah," I said.
"Have fun."
"Thanks." We stayed silent for a while. "I'll miss you."
"Of course." Sora was standing with her back to me now. Was she angry? Maybe a little. I walked up to her and put my hands on her shoulders. She flinched, like it was painful. Even though she'd been on the mend for a few months, Sora was still horribly thin and I could see the outlines of her shoulder blades through her shirt. "You have to."
"Why wouldn't I miss you? You're my best friend," I told her.
"It hasn't seemed like it lately," she snapped.
I stepped back in shock. This was how she felt? I realized it then that I had been neglecting our friendship somewhat that summer. I wasn't sure what exactly, but something had been keeping me from spending as much time with Sora as I would have liked. "I… I'm sorry Sora."
"Little late for that now," Sora muttered.
"Sora, I mean it." I moved in front of her, but she wouldn't look at me. I lifted her chin so her eyes met mine. "I have one week. It's yours. I shall spend as much time as possible with you and only you. Deal?"
Sora smiled a little bit. "Deal."
I slipped my arm around her waist. "Then let's start now."
Like I said, we spent that week together. It was the best week of my life, for the mere fact that I was spending it with Sora. I was leaving on the Saturday, and as that day grew closer, I felt worse and worse about leaving Sora behind like that. She had lost virtually all sense of ambition and wasn't going to college. She simply wasn't stable yet, and I really wanted to stay with her. But this, this was my chance, and she wanted me to go for it. I wanted to go for it. So I went for it. And I lost her.
I was going to Sydney first. Sora didn't come to the airport to see me off. I don't know where she was. I called her place, but nobody answered. I didn't want to get on the plane until she got there, but she never did. There was no spectacular movie send-off, just my family and some other friends. There was no amazing last kiss for me to have lingering on my lips for the entire flight, or one that would make me change my mind and decide to stay home. I e-mailed her on the plane, and when I got to Sydney. We hardly kept in touch over the years.
I can understand why she's mad at me now. Heck, I'll bet even if she wasn't bipolar she'd be mad at me.
"Get out," Sora muttered.
"What?"
"Get. Out."
"I can't do that Sora," I said.
"And why the fuck not?"
"For several reasons."
"Gimme two."
"One, because you need me."
"Yeah right."
"You do."
"I don't need anyone."
"If that was true I don't think you'd be here. You'd be doing something great, but instead you used your illness as an excuse and lost all your desires, all your dreams," I said. "You should see yourself now."
"What's the second reason?"
I thought for a while. I knew of many explanations, but I had to make this one good…
"Well?"
"Because I need you."
She snorted. "I'm the last person you need."
"Oh hell no," I retorted. "I made a mistake by losing you. I should've said a proper goodbye…" I hung my head. "I shouldn't have said goodbye at all."
"You could've forgotten about me. You should've gone on to bigger and better things. I was holding you back," Sora said.
"No. You never held me back. If anything you kept me grounded when I needed it most," I told her. "That's only one of the reasons why I need you."
A splash of water hit me in the face and Sora smirked. "Quit being so sappy."
I laughed a little. "Sorry."
"I think I'll be okay now."
I raised my eyebrow. "Sure?"
"Of course."
I got up slowly. "I'll order some food or something."
After she got out of the bathtub, dried off and got dressed, Sora sat on the bed… and refused to eat. She spurned her medicine, and when I tried to get her to take it or eat something, we ended up fighting again. This time she was more violent and started throwing stuff at me.
"You're not gonna make me!" she screamed, throwing a Kleenex box across the bed in my direction.
I ducked it. "Sora, you have to eat something!"
"No, I don't!" This time she threw the food at me, which I dodged. "I'm in control of my own life Taichi Kamiya, you're not going to interfere!"
"In control? That's what you said when you were anorexic, and look where it got you!" I shouted. "In the hospital! You almost died!"
Sora threw a pillow at me, which I was unable to avoid. It bounced off me harmlessly. "Don't remind me of that!" Sora yelled, throwing the towel that was around her hair at me.
"What am I supposed to do then? Let you die or something? I can't let that happen!" I exclaimed.
"I'd be better off like that!" she screeched, this time throwing the phone at me. She missed and it crashed to the ground. While Sora searched for something else to wield, I ran over to the other side of the bed and grabbed her from behind.
"Don't you dare talk like that, you hear?" I said loudly as she tried to wrestle herself free from my arms, screaming profanities at me. "Don't talk like that!" I sank to the floor with Sora as she started sobbing, finally relaxing a little. "Don't talk like that," I said again, quieter this time. "You would not be better off like that, understand? It's okay Sora. It's okay…"
The room was filled with her quiet sobs as she slumped over like a rag doll. I leaned against the bed and pulled her closer to me. Sora fell asleep like that, with her head against my chest and my arms around her.
At least she wasn't throwing stuff at me anymore.
The next morning I woke up groggy. Sora was still asleep. Sometime in the night we'd moved to the bed and she was curled up next to me, an arm draped across my stomach. The feeling was all too familiar to me, and I was getting nervous again. I felt like a twelve-year-old in his first game of Spin the Bottle instead of a twenty-seven-year-old trying to help his childhood friend.
"You're still here?" Sora murmured.
"Of course," I answered.
"Okay."
"Wanna have something to eat?" I asked gently.
"Not really."
"Just a little? You're going to get sick," I said.
"I'm already sick," she protested.
"So how about you start getting better? Come on," I told her. "That's what food and medicine is for. So you can get better."
"No Tai. Please, don't make me…" Sora pleaded. "Please, I don't want to… No, I don't want to… No…"
"Sora, just a little. Just a tiny, teeny bit and then we can go home," I said. "We can go home, and everything will be okay. Right Sora?"
"No no no no no…" she repeated over and over. "If I go home they're gonna put me in the hospital…"
"Not necessarily," I said, but she kept talking.
"…and then they're gonna have me committed…"
"I won't let that happen."
"…everyone's gonna know about it, my life will be over…"
"What makes you think that?"
"…nobody wants to be friends with a crazy person…"
"I want to be friends with you! It's not your fault!"
"…I have no one now…"
"Sora! Stop it!" I shouted. She got quiet abruptly as I sat up and took her hands. "You are not alone in this! You have me! Me, Sora. I've always been your friend, and I always will be. I want to help you Sora. If you'd only let me." Sora stared at me in silence. "If you'd just let me help you Sora… everything could be back to the way it was. The way it should be."
I could see her eyes brimming up with tears as I spoke. "Tai…" was the only word Sora said before flinging her arms around my neck and sobbing into my shoulder.
And so here we are now. She's lying beside me, still sobbing a little. The phone rings.
"Hello?" I say quietly.
"Tai? Is that you?" It's Matt.
"Yeah."
"Where are you? You've been gone all day, we're getting worried over here," Matt tells me.
"I found her," I reply. "She's not ready to leave just yet."
"Is she okay, is anything wrong, what?" he asks.
"She's being stubborn, like she always is." I lower my voice. "I'm bringing her home today, no matter what."
"Alright."
"Don't make anything big or whatever. Or food. She won't eat."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah. She'll most likely throw it at you," I say. Matt laughs a little.
"Okay. Get home soon, all right?"
"Yeah. Bye Matt."
"Bye."
I hang up the phone and see that Sora's been listening attentively the entire time. "Matt, huh?"
"Yeah."
"Everyone's looking for me?"
"We called the police and filed a report," I tell her. "You were on the news, Sora."
"Damn. I missed it."
I run my hand over her tangled hair and smile gently. "Will you please eat something?" I ask.
She frowns. "No."
I sigh in defeat and get up. She's not letting up. I hear her identical sigh as she turns on the TV and flips the channels. I start cleaning up the room, throwing garbage out, putting pillows back in their rightful place, and throwing Sora's few clothes into the little overnight bag she has with her. All day, once again, she refuses to eat, but I coax her into taking a little bit of her medication. She hates me for it, but luckily she's not violent. Instead, Sora stretches out on the bed and stares at the TV.
Today is the most boring day in the history of the world.
I find Sora's hairbrush and she lets me brush her hair. It's knotted and a huge mess, but she doesn't seem to react to anything. Eventually I get it all unsnarled and she looks rather pretty, and there's a trace of a smile on her lips.
"Thank you," she says.
"No problem," I reply, fiddling with the brush in my hands. A few strands of Sora's red hair are entwined in the bristles. She's still seemingly engrossed in the TV, and we watch it together for a while. There's a movie on but I have no clue if she's paying attention or not, she's just staring.
"Sora?"
"Hm?"
"Can we go home yet?" I ask.
"No."
I breathe out slowly, exasperated, and lean back against the pillows. "Sor-"
"The movie's not over yet." Sora looks up at me and smiles gratefully before nuzzling her face in my neck and settling down to watch the end of the movie. My right arm instinctively finds its way around Sora's shoulders and the hand on my left grasps her hand. The feeling of happiness that washes over me is short lived as the credits start to come across the screen, and Sora gets up.
"Are you ready?" I inquire.
She picks up her bag and gazes at the door. "Will you help me?"
I nod silently.
"I have another question."
"Okay."
"Why'd you come back?"
"I came back… to help you," I answer. I offer my hand to Sora, who readily accepts it.
"Let's go home," Sora says, smiling, and I agree wholeheartedly.
The door to room 215 closes behind us loudly, ending the ordeal and a turbulent chapter of Sora's life… of our life. I don't think I'm going to leave anytime soon. I'm going to stick around for the rest of the summer, maybe even longer. I don't want to lose her again. She's ready to accept my help now, and I'm more than ready to give it. I came back to help her, and that's what I intend to do.
~*~**~*~
Jenna D.'s Notes: I watch way too much ER. This is the reason for this story coming into being. You know, the episode where Abby and John drove out to get Abby's mom from that motel in the middle of nowhere… I love that character, Maggie. Sally Field rocks! Anyway, after watching that, and then feeling really lazy and nutso at the same time while watching TV in a dark room, I started writing this… Well… I don't have anything else to say, except… R&R!