Hi I'm Katie hill and I wrote this when I was off school sick so I was a little delusional. I own none of these characters and they belong to their inventors. Send hate mail to devil_went_down@yahoo.co.uk
In the mess hall Harry and Tom are having an arm wrestling match. Seven and Neelix are watching.
Harry: I'm winning I'm winning
Tom: must…beat…Harry
(Tom kicks Harry under the table and wins)
Tom: I am the champion
Harry: no fair you kicked me
Tom: that's what they all say
Seven: as interesting as that was what will we do now I'm bored
(For the past six weeks voyager has been circling a planet where Janeway is trying to sort out every one's problems herself)
Neelix: yeah there is nothing to do and all the repairs are done.
Tom: to the holo-suites?
Harry: (rubbing his now sore leg) so we can watch more films why can't we ever do something fun there like Disneyland?
Seven: or a cheap funfair with lots of rides that are highly dangerous due to low maintenance
Neelix: that doesn't sound very safe
Seven: bock boc boc boc boc bock boc boc boc boc
Neelix: I'm not chicken
(Harry and Tom join in the chicken bocking)
Neelix: stop it fine I'll do it
Harry: to the holo-suites
On the bridge Chakotay is asleep in the chair, B'lanna is brushing her hair, Tuvok is practising playing the guitar and lots of nameless ensigns are wandering around looking bored.
B'lanna: hey short ugly ensign! Get me a latte from the replicators and make it snappy.
Tuvok: you shouldn't boss them around like that
B'lanna: why not?
Tuvok: you are not yelling loud enough and insult them more when you describe them like so: hey fat blue baldy guy go get me a spoon from the mess hall and then break it in two using your feet then crawl down to engineering through the jeffreys tubes then sing alluetta for the engineering staff. Start now!
(Blue guy goes off running)
B'lanna: nicely down
Chakotay: no don't eat the cheese or the head mouse man will eat you
Tuvok: I see you had the "evil mice are taking over" dream again commander.
Chakotay: I want my mommy
B'lanna: I care so much. How long more before we can leave?
Tuvok: when the captain has sorted out the unfair justice system and why chocolate has gone up in price on idiotanana 13
B'lanna: I'm going to find out where everyone is
Chakotay and Tuvok: me too
B'lanna: get the doctor up here to watch the bridge and we'll go have fun.
Tom: That was fun
Neelix:………
Seven: Neelix got sick gross
Harry: Ha Ha
Tom: next the skyrider
Seven and Harry: oooohhhhh aaaaaaaahhhhhh.
On the bridge.
Doctor: finally I'm in charge of the ship I will seek out new worlds and new civilisations and I'll be their god I will conquer!
B'lanna: how about next time you reveal your evil plan you wait until we leave
Tuvok: it would be logical. rock scissors paper to see who stays with the doctor.
B'lanna and Chakotay: rock scissors paper one two three!
B'lanna: I win see ya
Chakotay and the doctor are now left alone on the bridge.
Chakotay: so how long have you been trying to conquer?
Doctor: a few years it's surprisingly hard you lot always come in at the wrong moment
Chakotay: sorry bout that. so any gossip
Doctor: ensign no name has crabs
No name: I thought that was confidential
Chakotay: bad about the crabs
No name: I hate all of you people I just wanted to blow things up and now I'm stuck in the delta quadrant with a crowd of idiots.
Doctor: (in cutsey-wutsey baby voice) who hasn't been taking his Valium? Why don't I just give you a little shot?
No name: chill man
In the holodecks.
Seven: Neelix got sick again.
Harry: Neelix got sick over all of me it ucky
Tom: Ha Ha
B'lanna: what's happening
Seven: we are at a funfair Neelix is vomiting constantly
B'lanna: too much information thank you
Seven: you are welcome
Bridge again.
Doctor: there is a hail coming through
Chakotay: answer it man (the doctor has been giving out medicinal marijuana and everyone on the bridge is stoned)
Jim: hello buddies I am earthworm Jim and this is my sidekick peter puppy and the hideously ugly princess may we come aboard?
Chakotay: I dunno do you have any chocolate?
Jim: yes and lots of it
Chakotay: beam them to the bridge doctor
Peter: thank you kind man with tattoo
Chakotay: almighty overlord that's my name
Doctor: and I am the supreme leader obey me
Jim: alrighty then bob the killer goldfish is planning on blowing up the universe with the help of evil the cat
Chakotay; what do we care puny mortals we are not in the universe
No name: we kind of are though
Chakotay: isn't this a different universe to the one they are talking about
No name: nope
Chakotay: well then how can we help?
Jim: we have found that some one on your ship has a special destiny
Doctor: and? So what
Jim: a destiny to stop the universe being destroyed jeez you people are stupid
Doctor: who is it ?
Jim: I don't know I thought you would
Chakotay: (now hitting one the princess) hey baby you're not so ugly after all
Jim: that is my girl
Chakotay: chill man just relax ok she is your girl unless you are dead that is grabs metal stick and starts hitting Jim
Doctor: security to the bridge
Tuvok: ok ok break it up
B'lanna: leave them it might get entertaining
(Jim makes peter puppy angry and you know what that means)
Peter: AAARRRRGGGGHGHGHGHGHGAHGHAGAHGAHAGGGG
Chakotay: Tuvok hit Harry really really hard
Harry turns into a mouse.
Seven: that was smart commander do you require help to beat up these men?
Chakotay: sic 'em seven
(A brawl breaks out Tuvok, tom, the princess, B'lanna, the doctor, Harry the mouse and Neelix are watching eating popcorn)
B'lanna: who's a cute little mousey who's the cuteset little mouse? I think I'll call you Fivel
Tuvok: B'lanna the mouse has a name it's Harry
B'lanna: fivel
Tuvok: Harry
B'lanna: FIVEL
Tuvok: logic says the mouse's name is HARRY KIM
B'lanna: I'm gonna kick your ass Tuvok
Tuvok: bring it on I fight for logic
(B'lanna and Tuvok start to fight)
Tom: go B'lanna kick some ass
Neelix: here little mousey come here little mousy I'm gonna make a curry out of you!
(Neelix grabs harry/fivel and runs for the mess hall no one notices)
Doctor: so you are going to fall in love with who ever wins the match not much difference
Princess: I just like gratuitous violence
Doctor: how would you like a tour of the ship?
Princess: ok this was getting a little boring
(Doctor and Princess leave tom is left there cheering on b'lanna who now has Tuvok in a headlock giving him noogies)
B'lanna: what is the mouse's name?
Tuvok: Harry
B'lanna: WHAT IS THE MOUSE'S NAME?
Tuvok: HARRY
B'lanna: WHAT IS THE MOUSE'S NAME?
Tuvok: HARRY! I AM CORRECT
Chakotay: ok ok she is your girl just get the puppy off of me
Jim: who is the king?
Chakotay: you are the king
Seven: (Still fighting mutant puppy) resistance is futile I will kick your ass to the alpha quadrant and back
Peter: ARRGDDHGHRHEGH
(Jim tickles Peter who changes back into a cuyte little puppy)
Chakotay: where is the princess?
Tom: she left with the doctor come on honey kill some Vulcan butt
Chakotay: why are they fighting?
Tom: over what the mouse's name is Harry or fivel?
B'lanna: the mouse's name is fivel I won
Tuvok: where is the mouse?
Tom; Neelix is making a curry out of it
Tuvok: why didn't you stop him?
Tom: I dunno I was cheering you on and stopping Neelix looked like it would require effort
B'lanna: to the mess hall and if Neelix has hurt Fivel I will hurt you badly
Tom: it's a win win situation
B'lanna: fine no sex for a month
Tom; we have to stop Neelix
Neelix: mousey now you stay still so I can chop your head off
Fivel: Neelix I can still talk I'm just in a mouse's body don't kill me
Neelix: what's that mousey you want to be eaten? I can take care of that.
Tom: Neelix don't hurt the mouse or I'll kill you
Neelix:(with mouse behind his back) mousey what mouse I was just making a veggie curry for dinner
Tuvok: yonk I have harr…fivel
B'lanna: now you can live in a nice cage in my quarters and I'll feed you and play with you and love you
Fivel: maybe this mouse thing isn't so bad
In the briefing room.
Chakotay: so to get back to the actual story line we have to stop a cat and a goldfish from destroying the universe. How hard can it be?
Jim: ok one of your crew mates is the chosen one who has the power to stop this. We just don't know who. But we can find out because the chosen one has a tattoo on his or her back of a star so everyone take off your tops.
Tuvok: wouldn't it be easier just to check the medicals logs?
Jim: oh yea topless women
Chakotay: ditto
Four hours later.
Jim: so no one has the tattoo what will we do? The fate of the universe rests on this.
Chakotay; have as much sex as possible in the time left
Jim: I like that idea now where is the princess?
Peter: maybe we just got the wrong ship or maybe you should
have checked the men or maybe
Chakotay: the captain we have to beam her back she must be the chosen one!
(Beams Janeway back)
Janeway: and that's why I am the most intelligent being alive…
Chakotay: captain take off your top
Janeway: I will if you will oh hunk of mine
Chakotay: no I have to check if you are the chosen one
Janeway: ok what has been going on here while I've been gone has the doctor been giving out pot again? Last time Tom tried to eat Neelix.
Jim: alrighty then-
Janeway: you're an earthworm how can you talk?
Jim: do you want me to sing the song it explains everything
Janeway: ok
Jim: although he just an earthworm he's the only one with a super suit to make him really super strong…
(To make a long story short Janeway has the tattoo and voyager sails off to find Bob and evil)
Neelix: I will cook the mouse oh yes i will cook it
(Neelix is stalking B'lanna)
B'lanna: and when we get home I'm gonna give you a bath and then I'll cook you dinner.
Fivel: I love this when I was Harry no girls ever gave me a bath or cooked for me.
(Neelix jumps out of the shadows and hits B'lanna with a giant frying pan)
Neelix: come on little mousey you will be dinner tonight. Mahahah
Fivel: noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!
On the bridge.
Janeway: so where do you think the cat and the fish will be hiding
Jim: where else but at
Chakotay: cool creepy voice so how do we get there?
Jim: take a left at the next red dwarf then a right to the next star system
Janeway: you heard the worm tom
Tom: we found out where it was earlier and are now there.
Janeway: okey-dokey then opening the hailing thingamajigs
Tuvok: open
Evil the cat: aah Jim I see you finally arrived but you are too late I will destroy the universe.
Jim: where is bob the killer goldfish
Evil: I killed him he got to mouthy and I'm higher up on the food chain so you know
Jim: I will stop you because now I have the chosen one
Evil: chosen one? You did get the new script rewrites didn't you? There is no chosen one that was written out
Jim: oh peter you're my sidekick why didn't you tell me?
Peter: I did I even wrote out the new script using spaghetti-o's but you still didn't get the message did you?
Jim: I thought it was dinner. So what does the new script say?
Peter: we save the universe but have to blow up voyager to do so.
Jim: I liked these people. How do they die?
Peter: I go insane and on a killing spree then to save the rest of them you take me off the ship and blow it up by accident.
Janeway: so if we killed peter puppy we wouldn't die
Jim: I suppose so
Janeway: Chakotay why don't you show peter the airlock
Chakotay: ok
(Chakotay and Peter enter turbo lift bridge crew can hear what they are saying)
Peter: Chakotay why do you have that big stick,… why are you hitting me… it's not a good idea to make me mad then I turn ugly..stop hitting it's annoying… what are you going top do with that big knife… stop trying to hit me… I changing AAARRRRGGGGHHGHAGAHGA
Chakotay:(the tubolift returns to the bridge) Jim I'm sorry to have to tell you that peter was in an accident. A fatal accident
Jim: why why he was so young it's not fair WHY!
Janeway: life isn't fair so how does this effect voyager exploding?
Jim:(checking script) still happens.
Janeway: I'm sorry Jim
Tuvok: (lifts phazer) Good-bye Mr. Jim.
Janeway: we should be safe if Starfleet asks we never met Jim and Peter.
Tom: what abut the princess and the universe isn't the cat still going to blow it up?
All: shut up Tom
Neelix: are you ready top die mouse boy?
(B'lanna comes in and sees fivel tied up attacks Neelix)
B'lanna: die ratman you won't hurt my mouse
Neelix: help me help
B'lanna: never steal any thing off of me.
Neelix:………
B'lanna: Neelix you dead mon?
Neelix:……….
B'lanna: later
Janeway: B'lanna report to the bridge and bring Harry
B'lanna: his name is fivel how many times do I have to tell you people?
Janeway: just get up here now.
In the briefing room.
Janeway: and that is how Harry –sorry- fivel will save the day
B'lanna: but isn't this a little dangerous for my little baby fivel?
Janeway: nope I guarantee it
Chakotay:-whispering- you have your fingers crossed right
Janeway: of course this is a suicide mission.
Tuvok: the matter of princess what'shername the doctor has fallen in love with her and is refusing to let us kill her
Janeway: let her live she might be useful and she'll get the doctor to stop bugging us
Chakotay: now lets see if our plan works.
(The plan is that fivel will beam into the evil cat's lair the cat will of course chase fivel. Fivel will run out an airlock and the cat will follow. There cat dead universe saved.)
on the bridge. The crew put a camera on fivel' s head to see the action as it happened now they are watching and cheering on fivel.
Tom: run fivel run
Tuvok: he's coming up to the airlock
Chakotay: the cat is out of the airlock
Janeway: but so is fivel
B'lanna: you said he would be ok I'll avenge his death. Death to all of you.
Chakotay: that sounds bad
Tuvok: what can she do?
No Name: B'lanna has stolen a shuttle she's firing at us
Janeway: doesn't matter we have shields
No Name: no we don't she took them off line
Janeway: oh no we dead
Voyager explodes in a humongous flash of light but no noise cause no sound in a vacuum. And there lies the end of the star ship voyager.
Jerry Springer: what did we learn from this parody? That the author is insane and just got lazy at the end? That you can't change a scripts ending? Or just that karma happens. If you kill you will be killed. Or that I'm an idiot and my final thoughts are just a way to make my show seem more caring. Goodnight everyone.